I'm drowning today

diamante1181 · October 2013

I woke up early to use the restroom (as per usual). I walk past this certain part of my house, where I have a huge sympathy bouquet, a lit candle, and their memory boxes. I have been ok the past few days walking past without wanting to die. But this morning, I am suffering racing thoughts. My twins, going back to work, calling the funeral home to arrange for the babies, calling HR to see how much leave I'm entitled to, apprehension over the holidays and racing thoughts over when and if we can conceive again. We went through so much for our babies. We went through IVF and all kinds of crazy emotions and hope. I don't know if I'm going to make it today. I can't stop crying. Unfortunately when I went back to bed, I couldn't stop sobbing. My husband turned over to hold my hand and rub my arm for a bit, mid-sleep. I don't want to torture him with my suffering, because I know he is definitely suffering also. The other day we opened the memory box together, because he had not seen the pictures nor the footprints. He literally broke down and began sobbing also. He hadn't looked at the items because he helped deliver the babies. He said the pics looked so different than when he saw them, but then again they were alive initially when they came into the world. I pray but I don't know what I'm praying for. For the babies to be safe wherever they are, for them to know how much we love them and are suffering their departure. Pray for hope for tomorrow, pray to get pregnant again, I guess everything. I'm am anxiously awaiting the day I can wake up without such heaviness in my heart. I want to be hopeful. I want to be a mother. I want our family to grow and our love to expand with the joy of a child. I am catatonic with misery today.

Noethola · October 2013

***Siggy warning***

I am so very sorry its such a hard day. Sending you T&Ps today!

CRUN2012 · October 2013

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a tough day....as much as it hurts try to remind yourself that 'this too shall pass'...every day isn't going to be this hard...but some will be.

At some point I'm hoping that I too learn that The good days outweigh the bad ones.

mingaling2 · October 2013

I'm sorry it is such a bad day. Lean on each other with your love.

diamante1181 · October 2013

Thanks everyone. I am trying really hard. I called HR this morning, and have contacted a funeral home to take care of my angels. I hope I can carry on today for them, because they deserve a proper memorial and not be in some general plot where I'll never 'see' them. I have developed a major separation anxiety in the last week and a half. I can't bear the thought of dh back to work tomorrow. And to say my faith is shaken is an understatement. I hope that even that can recover with time.

kz's_girlygirl · October 2013

I am so sorry! We went through lots of fertility treatments and IVF finally worked for us as well, only to end in PROM and the death of our son. I can definitely relate to that nervous sense of hope being crushed and replaced with a million questions that have no answers. I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to say I am thinking of you, your husband and your babies, and hoping that tomorrow is a better day