Maintaining friendships with non-parent friends

smg2302 · October 2013

So a little bit of background might inform my question. I don't have very many close friends. I have a bad habit of opening mouth and inserting foot, which rubs many people the wrong way. I have one close friend in my area, the other few I have moved away after college, so they have been mostly long distance friendships. After I had DD, I met a new friend at the baby time at our local library. We've become really close due to similar circumstances, and she lives down the street from me. Our babies "play" and it makes getting together pretty easy.

The other friend I have in the area does not have any kids. She sent me a message this morning saying "just because I don't have kids doesn't mean we can't be friends. I see you hanging out with N all the time just BC she has a baby." I don't even know how to react to this.

Yes, I hang out with N when I have free time, which is almost never. Our families come into town often to see DD, so 3/4 weekends a month I am busy. Weeknights are out because I work and like to have alone time at the end of the day. The one weekend a month that I don't have plans usually becomes filled pretty quickly.

The other problem I have, is that the non-kid friend has a bazillion other friends, with whom she hangs out and doesn't invite me. I feel upset that she's holding me, to what feels like, an impossible standard. I am not choosing one friend over the other, at least not intentionally.

How should I handle this? I'm upset, but I'm not sure if it's warranted. Maybe I am alienating the non-parent friend? How are you maintaining old friendships?

MOMama987 · October 2013

Point is...don't do it b/c you feel forced to. If you truly want to catch up with this friend and maintain the friendship, you will.

This. I'd be annoyed by your friend's comments; it doesn't sound like she's been good about initiating plans with you, either. We are definitely starting to grow apart from many of our childless friends... not intentionally, but we're finding that we have less in common with them now, and it's not like we can up and go out to a bar at 8:00 pm with them anymore. FWIW, I also have very few close girlfriends, so I'm probably not the best person to take advice from.

ETA - I realize my post really had no point. I'd say if you want to maintain a friendship with this girl, go for it... maybe invite her out for coffee or lunch or something with LO. But if it becomes work or a hassle, why bother? I dunno... I feel like if you're forcing it, there's probably a reason you feel that way.

smg2302 · October 2013

That's just it. I do feel forced. I was trying to just let the friendship fade organically. I don't want to hurt her and tell her the reasons I no longer want to hang out, but she is dragging it out. And, she is making me feel like a bad person for prioritizing my family and not going out mid week.

MOMama987 · October 2013

Meh. You could always invite her out for coffee or something, but bring LO, and make sure to talk about baby poop A LOT. That tends to scare the childless folks away fast ;-)

smg2302 · October 2013

I thought that would do it too, and she's still holding on. We even got into an argument about how having kids changes friendships. She was ADAMANT that our friendship was exactly the same. When I pointed out how it had changed, she said she felt attacked and to please not say those things to her anymore. I told her that I would not, and could not ever stop being honest with her and that if it bothered her, she would have to deal with that. Then she apologized. I guess this thread should be re-named how to break up with friends.

MOMama987 · October 2013

Yeah, that would get old fast. I don't have time for that kind of ish... that's probably why I don't have a lot of girlfriends.

FmrAFBrat · October 2013

Really friendships either change or fade with over time. I thought that the girls I hung out with in college and I would be in touch forever, but really after they married and had kids things just fizzled out. I still occasionally chat with them but really we don't have anything in common any more. Their kids are in Middle School or at least 3rd grade and my kids are babies.

I am trying to find some more mom friends, it just seems I have little time at the end of the day to do anything more than the kids, clean, and get ready for the next day. Plus I have family members who want to see the babies on the weekend so my time to be a friend is really limited.

jayro10 · October 2013

Once I got married, most of my friendships changed. My closest group of girlfriends from college are all unmarried and childless and I haven't talked to or seen them in years, other than occasional Facebook comments. You will meet and become close friends with people who have similar priorities and lifestyles. Five years ago it may have been people who could go out to dinner at 8pm on a Tuesday and stay out till midnight; now it will become people who you can go out to lunch with in between LO nap times and who won't be offended if you have to cut the date short due to a poopsplosion or fuss monster.

Shoegal36 · October 2013

I'm having a hard time maintaining a friendship with my best friend right now too. We have a lot of friends who have kids, but my best friend doesn't and is single. No matter how many times I try to explain that I can't leave LO because she won't take a bottle right now she just keeps asking me to go to bars. Anytime I ask her to go for coffee, out for breakfast, come visit at my place...she's busy. It sucks, but there's not much I can do.

Lolalipsy · October 2013

It sounds like she just wants to see you. Good friends are hard to come by so I would try my best to see her. Even if it's just stopping by one evening for a coffee. It's hard I know.

I can't do many of the things I used to but I have managed to go for a meal with my friend and have her at mine. I try to do things when Eliza is asleep because there's nothing worse than trying to hold a conversation when the other person is distracted.

I'm sure you'll find a happy medium.

Edit. Phone thought I was finished.

smg2302 · October 2013

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat. I was beginning to think I wasn't managing my time well. Quite frankly, these days, I don't want to do anything that requires wearing a bra or pants. So going out is definitely not on the list of things I want to do.

drhibbard · October 2013

I'm not criticizing but you said you are trying to let the friendship fade organically. She's reaching out to say "i'm still your friend even though you have a baby and I don't." I think she thinks you're better friends than you do if she's reaching out like this... I'd just be honest with her. Sounds like she was being honest with you.

Shoegal36 · October 2013

2010Bride2be said:

scormier123 said:

I'm having a hard time maintaining a friendship with my best friend right now too. We have a lot of friends who have kids, but my best friend doesn't and is single. No matter how many times I try to explain that I can't leave LO because she won't take a bottle right now she just keeps asking me to go to bars. Anytime I ask her to go for coffee, out for breakfast, come visit at my place...she's busy. It sucks, but there's not much I can do.

This just made me think of something else. We have to be able to see it both ways as well. Just because our friends may seem like their 'not available'....well it's for reasons just as important/valid as ours. Yes, we now have babies and it seems like a great idea to get together for coffee, at our homes, etc. But honestly....think back to when you were single with no children. I know I didn't want to sit up in someone's home and watch them care for their kid or go for coffee while my friend juggled her latte and her baby.

Very true! Good point.

Going for breakfast was always kind of our "thing" though. We went pretty much every Sat morning. I've told her I can leave LO with H long enough to do that but it just hasn't worked out.

smg2302 · October 2013

We were great friends, but the past year has been rough on our friendship, beginning with when I found out I was pregnant. Originally she wasn't supportive of my choice to start a family, and then later admitted she was projecting her own insecurities on me. She only wants to do things on her terms: bars, concerts, etc. and I am unable to do those things. Every time I explain to her, it starts a fight, for which I always end up apologizing. I would love to have our old friendship back, but I don't want this tip-toeing friendship it seems to have become where neither of us says what we're really thinking. Lately, she probably is trying harder than I am. I guess I just wonder, at this point, if we're constantly annoyed with each other, is it worth it?

Schell2013 · October 2013

I sometimes find myself in these situations too. I do lunch or a coffee with those ones about once a month. I don't have time for more there just isn't enough of me to go around sometimes.

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