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challenges a blended family has placed on your marriage?

proudworkingmom82proudworkingmom82 member
in Blended Families
I have a daughter who will be 5 in less than 2 weeks.  I am getting married in 5.5 months.  This marriage will be my fiancee's first marriage, he also doesn't have any kids yet.  My daughter adores him and he adores her.   She is super smart but she doesn't listen very well at all.  I know that starting a marriage with a child from a previous marriage and a man who has never had a child is going to be hard. We are trying to mentally prepare ourselves for what we will be up against. My daughters dad only takes her 4 days a month and I fear that some day his new wife and him will have children and he will drop our daughter all together.  Anyway What are some of your biggest challenges?  Any advice on marriage in a blended family would be greatly appreciated.  Maybe you ladies can tell me something I haven't already thought of.  TIA.  
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Re: challenges a blended family has placed on your marriage?

  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Patience. And take things one day at a time. Simple advice but there really is not much more to it.
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  • KendraL86KendraL86 member
    It is difficult to be in a blended family. My biggest piece of advice is to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to what his role is, what you expect from him with regard to your daughter, what he expects from you, how you will be parenting, communicating with your ex, etc. Make sure your husband knows he has authority in the home. Make sure your daughter knows it, too. Enforce his new role (if you both want him to take on a stronger role). No one wants to be a glorified babysitter!!
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    KendraL86 said:

    It is difficult to be in a blended family. My biggest piece of advice is to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to what his role is, what you expect from him with regard to your daughter, what he expects from you, how you will be parenting, communicating with your ex, etc. Make sure your husband knows he has authority in the home. Make sure your daughter knows it, too. Enforce his new role (if you both want him to take on a stronger role). No one wants to be a glorified babysitter!!

    This. But also don't put too much unasked for responsibility on your H's shoulders. Let their relationship develop naturally. Don't force it, but don't impede it by clinging to your previous role as primary/sole caretaker. It's going to be just as much of an adjustment for all parties involved.

    And don't think that your FI not having children is necessarily a set back. Yes, he is going to need to learn how to be a parental figure, but there are a few obstacles you may not have to deal with because your child is the only one entering the marriage right now.

    I hope your FI and DD have had time to build a healthy relationship between them before now. And as already mentioned, communication is key. Of course, it's a staple in any marriage and family, but I think it needs to be even more of a priority in a blended family.

    Good luck and congratulations!
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    Like other posters, being on the same page is so important. Included in that should be finances-BF can get expensive if there are ever lawyers involved. But even day to day, there will be times when the adults have to forego their wants bc the child needs something. Oh you want a new car? Too bad Suzy needs braces. Is he ok with that?
    BD might not go away. Is he ok with him being around and you communicating with him?
    You need to make sure you are on the same page as far as roles and responsibilities go, especially as your daughter gets older. Do you accept him as a dicsipliniarian to your daughter? What are acceptable forms of discipline? Will he play equal roles in her life as well as any future mutual children you have? In the end communication and expectations are two of the biggest things. Make sure these things are discussed and revisited frequently. Good luck!
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  • joshsmandyjoshsmandy member
    Communication is huge. You two need to be able to communicate freely without anyone getting "their toes stepped on" in the upcoming years there will conversations that will put you both in the defensive but you both need to remember to stay neutral do you can work through it. Congrats on your upcoming wedding :)
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    Do you want the list in Alphabetical Order, Order of importance for implementation or Order of Importance to keeping your marriage together?  

    1) BE ON THE SAME PAGE IN REGARDS TO HOUSEHOLD EXPECTATIONS, RULES, CHORES, AND THEIR SUBSEQUENT CONSEQUENCES AND PUNISHMENTS IF THEY ARE NOT MET.

    Because even WITH those, your son and FI will butt heads and it is very very important for your son, your husband as any old adult and your marriage for everyone to know what is up. 

    I highly recommend you and FI putting everything in writing the expectation and chore and then its subsequent consequence and punishment.  

    2) Have a written list of expectations for both of YOU as this child's parent.  WHETHER YOUR SON LOOKS AT FI AS A FATHER OR NOT, FI IS STILL HIS PARENT. A PARENT IS A CARETAKER OF AN OFFSPRING OF YOUR SPECIES (bio or not).  A STEPPARENT, EVEN ONE THAT JUST LIVES IN THE HOUSE WILL HAVE SOME INFLUENCE IN SAID CHILD'S LIFE JUST BY HOW HE/SHE BREATHES.  

    So being on the same page to the best of your ability is important.  

    3) Discuss finances and have a full budget created before you marry.  INCLUDE what you are going to use SS's child support for.  

    Money is the #1 stressor in marriages period.  When you tack on stepchildren you tack on extra resentments.  It can become an issue if you are demanding your FI financially support your SS but do not allow him any say in how SS is raised in your house.  Conversely, your FI cannot make unilateral demands of you and your son just because he is providing money. 

    4) Discuss your expectations of family.  Be open to FAIR, but not equal.  DEMAND respectful treatment but not immediate love.   

    Ex, I demand that my parents remember that SD and SS (until they turned 18) were children and to keep their feelings in mind when they did anything with my DD.  I did not demand equal treatment because really, they cannot love a child that they have only men 10 times in 7 years all the while seeing DD triple that (especially when many of those lack of meetings were based on SD and SS's own choices).  

    But they do remember to provide gifts at the appropriate gift giving holidays and said gifts were not cheap dollar store crap while DD got FAO Schwartz.  There is a fine line.  

    CONVERSLY, make sure that your DH will have your back IF your Inlaws treat your son like a 2nd or 3rd class citizen.  My DH has taken on my inlaws for me and I have taken on my mother for SS.  

    4) Have a Holiday Schedule set before you marry.  Seriously, I have spent enough time on inlaw/family boards to know that this can kill an intact marriage.  Add having to work around your stepchild just sucks.  

    Go into your marriage with the knowledge that unless your MIL is a truly manipulative bitch (or your own mother for that matter) wanting to have your children around for the holidays is a normal, societal desire.  As is your husband or yourself wanting to spend time with your families, even IF your mothers are klaftas.  

    So have something settled before the marriage.  

    5) Please please please have as consistent of a schedule as possible.  

    6) Be the better person when it comes to your Ex.  Allow him to have his time to parent.  Do not get pissy if he chooses to not bring your son to his Tball game on the one full day he gets every two weeks.  Do not sweat the small differences in parenting.  

    This will make your marriage better because your son will be happier. 

    7) DO NOT KVETCH to your FI unless you actually do something about it.  Seriously, I now have to walk out of the house when my DH starts going off on BM's lack of financial support for SS.  He has only held her accountable ONCE in the last 6 years, even though he had pleanty of legal opportunities.  This is now HIS fault and I refuse to listen to it.  

    8) Allow for your child to express his feelings as long as it is done in a respectful manner.  Have family meetings where you demonstrate that. When children feel trapped they will lash out in other ways.  Giving your child the ability to get his thoughts and feelings out and not dismiss them out of hand will help him learn to work with you and FI 

    I am sure I have more. 

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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    I think you have to be a "go with the flow", willing to roll with the punches person to be in a blended family or things will not end well.

    I agree with patience, understanding, communication, respect for each others time and input.

    There is the potential for a ton of resentment on the step parent's side so as the birth parent my suggestion to you is to be patient, understanding and inclusive.

    My only advice for future step parents is to temper your expectations. Having had a biological child now, I realize step parenting is really like all the struggle, financial burden and frustration of having a child with much fewer rewards.

    I love my SS like he is mine but he does not love me like I am his mom and I cannot really connect or raise him as if I were. It is frustrating. You put so much time and sacrifice for an extremely small amount of positive feedback and even then it is usually over shadowed by the bio parent.

    If I thought of things in black and white I would be miserable all day everyday over the money I've spent, the time, stress, irritation. We spent our new home down payment on lawyers.
    I could be very bitter.

    Instead I think of things like; my son is my world and my SS is a piece of my world. One piece of my big life filled with my dream job, a great husband and great friends and family.

    Would I choose this again in my next life? No. I also will not allow any of my friends to date men with kids.

    Again though it is just learning to roll with the punches and letting things go so I can live my happiest life and my SS can be a happy small piece of that.
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  • Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    The hardest part for me is when Dh disaplines dd. I feel the need to stick up for dd. He is not too hard on her or anything like that. She has honestly done something that needs disciplining. I'm just a softy :-/ he is wonderful about being dd's advocate in all situations.
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  • docco11docco11 member
    Nineoceans said:
    I think you have to be a "go with the flow", willing to roll with the punches person to be in a blended family or things will not end well. I agree with patience, understanding, communication, respect for each others time and input. There is the potential for a ton of resentment on the step parent's side so as the birth parent my suggestion to you is to be patient, understanding and inclusive. My only advice for future step parents is to temper your expectations. Having had a biological child now, I realize step parenting is really like all the struggle, financial burden and frustration of having a child with much fewer rewards. I love my SS like he is mine but he does not love me like I am his mom and I cannot really connect or raise him as if I were. It is frustrating. You put so much time and sacrifice for an extremely small amount of positive feedback and even then it is usually over shadowed by the bio parent. If I thought of things in black and white I would be miserable all day everyday over the money I've spent, the time, stress, irritation. We spent our new home down payment on lawyers. I could be very bitter. Instead I think of things like; my son is my world and my SS is a piece of my world. One piece of my big life filled with my dream job, a great husband and great friends and family. Would I choose this again in my next life? No. I also will not allow any of my friends to date men with kids. Again though it is just learning to roll with the punches and letting things go so I can live my happiest life and my SS can be a happy small piece of that.

    :-/ Huh??  I hope you mis-pharsed this. 
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  • twister22twister22 member
    docco11 said:
    Nineoceans said:
    I think you have to be a "go with the flow", willing to roll with the punches person to be in a blended family or things will not end well. I agree with patience, understanding, communication, respect for each others time and input. There is the potential for a ton of resentment on the step parent's side so as the birth parent my suggestion to you is to be patient, understanding and inclusive. My only advice for future step parents is to temper your expectations. Having had a biological child now, I realize step parenting is really like all the struggle, financial burden and frustration of having a child with much fewer rewards. I love my SS like he is mine but he does not love me like I am his mom and I cannot really connect or raise him as if I were. It is frustrating. You put so much time and sacrifice for an extremely small amount of positive feedback and even then it is usually over shadowed by the bio parent. If I thought of things in black and white I would be miserable all day everyday over the money I've spent, the time, stress, irritation. We spent our new home down payment on lawyers. I could be very bitter. Instead I think of things like; my son is my world and my SS is a piece of my world. One piece of my big life filled with my dream job, a great husband and great friends and family. Would I choose this again in my next life? No. I also will not allow any of my friends to date men with kids. Again though it is just learning to roll with the punches and letting things go so I can live my happiest life and my SS can be a happy small piece of that.

    :-/ Huh??  I hope you mis-pharsed this. 
    Doubt it. We all know how hard being in a BF can be, and I wouldn't wish the difficulties on my worst enemy, much less a friend. I caution my friends who want to start dating someone who has a kid/kids, and even more so if they are a good friend of mine. 
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    twister22 said:


    docco11 said:


    Nineoceans said:

    I think you have to be a "go with the flow", willing to roll with the punches person to be in a blended family or things will not end well.

    I agree with patience, understanding, communication, respect for each others time and input.

    There is the potential for a ton of resentment on the step parent's side so as the birth parent my suggestion to you is to be patient, understanding and inclusive.

    My only advice for future step parents is to temper your expectations. Having had a biological child now, I realize step parenting is really like all the struggle, financial burden and frustration of having a child with much fewer rewards.

    I love my SS like he is mine but he does not love me like I am his mom and I cannot really connect or raise him as if I were. It is frustrating. You put so much time and sacrifice for an extremely small amount of positive feedback and even then it is usually over shadowed by the bio parent.

    If I thought of things in black and white I would be miserable all day everyday over the money I've spent, the time, stress, irritation. We spent our new home down payment on lawyers.
    I could be very bitter.

    Instead I think of things like; my son is my world and my SS is a piece of my world. One piece of my big life filled with my dream job, a great husband and great friends and family.

    Would I choose this again in my next life? No. I also will not allow any of my friends to date men with kids.

    Again though it is just learning to roll with the punches and letting things go so I can live my happiest life and my SS can be a happy small piece of that.


    :-/ Huh??  I hope you mis-pharsed this. 

    Doubt it. We all know how hard being in a BF can be, and I wouldn't wish the difficulties on my worst enemy, much less a friend. I caution my friends who want to start dating someone who has a kid/kids, and even more so if they are a good friend of mine. 

    I do, as well. I look back and say, "What was I thinking?" And I want my friends to seriously think through their decision to get involved with a "pre-started family." My main concern, honestly though, is that they don't fully grasp the concept that a relationship that already comes with children is not about them; it should be about the kids. I don't want to see my friends get involved in a relationship and not see how crappy the parent they are dating might be or not be in it for the long haul and think it will not affect anyone but them and their SO if they decide to split.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    I haven't been through as much as most of you have, but I would still tell my friends not to date a man with kids. My own DH says he is a hypocrite because he would never date a woman with kids.

    I do feel luckier then many because my DH has always suported and understood most of my feelings relating to our BF situation. We don't have it perfect by any means, but I would never go back and not date/marry my DH. Sometimes (okay a lot of times) I wish we didn't have to deal with BM or even had a different one, but I love my life with DH. I think he is the most amazing man and I would never want him to be with someone less deserving of him simply because he made a mistake as a teenager (having unprotected sex).

    The only advice I have is that you as the BM have no idea how hard it is to be a SP so if your DH tells you something, really listen to him. Being a SP is even more of a thankless job then being a parent and the difficulty shouldn't be compounded by having a partner who won't try to understand.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • nevertunenevertune member
    My husband and I both came to our marriage with one son each. Thankfully the two became best friends and are attached at the hip. We even styled our wedding to include them and celebrate anniversaries with them since we were less a couple getting married and more two merging families. We don't see a lot of strife at home or with step-parenting for several reasons. (And believe me, I know to count my blessings.) We have very similar parenting styles and expectations from our kids. That would be a huge problem if your future husband disagreed with some major parts of how you parent. And if he keeps quiet about how you raise your daughter, but then you have another child and he treats it way different... that's something to be aware of and talk about now. If your ex is staying in the picture, you're gunna have quite a few years of communication with him for one reason or another. Is your future husband okay with that? I mean, I don't particularly enjoy talking to, seeing, and sometimes having to hang out with my ex, but it happens all the time. I am blessed that my ex and my husband's ex are very supportive of our step-parent roles with their kids. My life would be hell if his ex or my ex was trying to turn the kids against us. I don't know if your ex is that type or could become that type. Scheduling is not a deal-breaking nightmare, but it can really suck if someone has a baseball game or boy scout meeting or is home sick or who gets who for which holiday this year? Is your future husband willing to celebrate Thanksgiving on the day after every other year? If you have your own children together, how easily is your future husband going to accept splitting all of the family's resources (time, money, bedroom space, etc.) equally among the children? So, I guess I don't have challenges, so much as things to talk over with your future husband. I hope you like his answers and that it all works out for you!
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Lavender P said:
    I haven't been through as much as most of you have, but I would still tell my friends not to date a man with kids. My own DH says he is a hypocrite because he would never date a woman with kids. 
    I'm the same way. When I was a single mom a few friends tried to set me up with their "awesome friend" who was also a single dad. I said no thanks, because I was a mom, not a SM. I knew how hard and thankless being a SM can be. Those friends called me hypocrites, and while I understood where they were coming from, but didn't care if I was a hypocrite.

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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    twister22 said:
    Lavender P said:
    I haven't been through as much as most of you have, but I would still tell my friends not to date a man with kids. My own DH says he is a hypocrite because he would never date a woman with kids. 
    I'm the same way. When I was a single mom a few friends tried to set me up with their "awesome friend" who was also a single dad. I said no thanks, because I was a mom, not a SM. I knew how hard and thankless being a SM can be. Those friends called me hypocrites, and while I understood where they were coming from, but didn't care if I was a hypocrite.

    Me too. I always tell dh that he's a better person than me, because I could NOT deal with it if he had kids and I had to deal with them. He came into a relationship where I had three teens, and teenagers are fricking annoying! Sometimes I think stepparents are saints or something. Some days I only put up with my kids because I love them so much, if they weren't mine, not sure if I could do it!
       
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  • docco11docco11 member
    I would advise against itvas well but if my friend said they 'would allow me' to do something, I would no longer be their friend. It was the way it was worded that rubbed me.
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  • docco11docco11 member
    Wouldn't allow...not would.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    docco11 said:

    I would advise against itvas well but if my friend said they 'would allow me' to do something, I would no longer be their friend. It was the way it was worded that rubbed me.

    My friends are pretty much like my sisters so wouldn't allow is accurate lol. However all of my friends also remember that our Bm reported our dog to the city when my DS was 3 days old stating our dog had rabies so I had to lug the 100 lb dog and baby to the local health department (where people with active tuberculosis get treatment) to have the dog reviewed for rabies (she knew we had current tags) and then decided if he would be euthanized or not. He was not euthanized because he had a rabies vacc and shockingly didn't have rabies.

    So my earlier post aside that shizz is hard from just a parenting stand point still is true but when you add a vindictive sad person in the mix things turn impossible.
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