Baby envy

saramfaria · October 2013

So I have been ttc after a loss in may and every time I see a baby I get emotional and upset. All my friends got pregnant around the same time I did the first time so I just get upset and think about how I should be having a baby soon but I am not. Anyone else have this problem and any suggestions.

ashellypnut · October 2013

I agree with PP. A proper intro is greatly appreciated. I'm sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board. Please read the blog linked in the blue badge in my siggy. I still refer to it now, it's very informative and will help you navigate the etiquette of the board. Lurk, know your audience before posting. We are not Google but rather a supportive group of women who GIVE and GET support. Please take this piece of advice. Also, could you please change your avatar? There are women here in all stages of the loss process and as lovely as she is that pg belly is hurtful those others who are still fresh off of a loss. GL in your journey.

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

When my coworker (who had the same due date) told a student she had 4 months left I wanted to punch her in. The face.

When I saw a mom w a newborn in a stroller going into the same store as me- I purposely walked ahead and let the door shut instead of holding it open.

So not me but I'm so angry right now!

MrsWallick · October 2013

snegde said:

FitMamaInProgress said:
When my coworker (who had the same due date) told a student she had 4 months left I wanted to punch her in. The face.

When I saw a mom w a newborn in a stroller going into the same store as me- I purposely walked ahead and let the door shut instead of holding it open.

So not me but I'm so angry right now!
You might want to talk to someone. It's one thing to be angry it's another thing to misplace your anger and take it out on people who did nothing wrong.

This. I totally understand your anger and I don't think you should bottle up your feelings, but at the same time, acting towards a stranger in that way isn't fair to her.

ETA: OP, I did get emotional when a coworker came back from maternity leave and brought her baby. I had trouble seeing the baby around the office. But I still managed a smile when I was around her. The emotions come and go but have become less frequent as time passes. Also, thank you for introing. So sorry for your loss.

Poppy715 · October 2013

I don't have baby envy, no. I want the baby I had back. I loved that one. She was perfect. I don't care if other people have babies. I wish I still had the little girl that was supposed to be mine. That's what I want.

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

Um- thanks for the concern- I do talk to a therapist and was just being honest.

Weve all been through hell but- I Guess honesty isn't welcome here either? Awesome...

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

And I've been through a month of sobbing crying- grieving - now I'm angry- and it's okay...
Edit: spelling

Unknown · October 2013

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buggirl72 · October 2013

FitMamaInProgress said:
Um- thanks for the concern- I do talk to a therapist and was just being honest.

Weve all been through hell but- I Guess honesty isn't welcome here either? Awesome...

We have zero problem with honesty. You got an honest response from @snedge. Purposefully letting a door slam on a stranger because she had a child is not healthy. Just because you are in the anger stage does not mean you are permitted to act out in anger. Again, honest response.

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

I didn't let it slam in her face ! I just didn't hold it open and wait for her to get to the door and yes that's the most angry thing I've done and I've felt guilty about it. But I'm tired of crying and sobbing and feeling robbed of the joy to be a parent. I hate that I was 15 weeks . I hate that everyone at work already knew. I hate that I have a reminder everytime I look in the mirror because I gained weight. I hate that only maternity jeans are still fitting me right now and yeah... I'm envious of others with babies and for the past few days-angry.

Sigh. This clearly isn't the board I'm supposed to be on bc I'm still struggling more than it seems most of you may be-- back to miscarriage and loss I guess

Unknown · October 2013

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FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

Thanks- just felt attacked- unnecessarily I guess. Clearly super fragile right now.

Unknown · October 2013

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PinkCamino · October 2013

FitMamaInProgress said:

I didn't let it slam in her face ! I just didn't hold it open and wait for her to get to the door and yes that's the most angry thing I've done and I've felt guilty about it. But I'm tired of crying and sobbing and feeling robbed of the joy to be a parent. I hate that I was 15 weeks . I hate that everyone at work already knew. I hate that I have a reminder everytime I look in the mirror because I gained weight. I hate that only maternity jeans are still fitting me right now and yeah... I'm envious of others with babies and for the past few days-angry. Sigh. This clearly isn't the board I'm supposed to be on bc I'm still struggling more than it seems most of you may be-- back to miscarriage and loss I guess

How dare you assume that your struggling more than the rest of us.

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

How dare I? I said it seems- meaning it looks like so many are ready try again and moving on and clearly I'm not there. But at this point I'm just going to stop bc whatever I say is not right.

Take care all- GL on TTC

Unknown · October 2013

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PinkCamino · October 2013

FitMamaInProgress said:

How dare I? I said it seems- meaning it looks like so many are ready try again and moving on and clearly I'm not there. But at this point I'm just going to stop bc whatever I say is not right. Take care all- GL on TTC

Introducing @FitMamaInProgress, Queen of the Pain Olympics.

File-Olympic_Rings.svg.png

Now all joking aside - how dare you assume that we don't feel as much sorrow or pain as you do. Have a look at each of our siggies, you're 15 week loss is no more important or painful than any of our losses. We're not all actively TTC - we're all at different stages of our journey. We don't judge each others pain - instead we support each other which clearly you know nothing about.

The pain olympics are not tolerated here.

libby+nate · October 2013

I hope she knows she isn't struggling more than those of us who still utilize the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board when she goes back there :-?

LifeofCat · October 2013

Poppy715 said:
I don't have baby envy, no. I want the baby I had back. I loved that one. She was perfect. I don't care if other people have babies. I wish I still had the little girl that was supposed to be mine. That's what I want.

This. I miss Marianne every single moment and I want *her* squishy face, fingers and toes back. I think about her lying on my chest every single morning. Not anybody else's baby. Mine.

Big (((Hugs))) to you @Poppy715

Poppy715 · October 2013

LifeofCat said:

Poppy715 said:
I don't have baby envy, no. I want the baby I had back. I loved that one. She was perfect. I don't care if other people have babies. I wish I still had the little girl that was supposed to be mine. That's what I want.
This. I miss Marianne every single moment and I want *her* squishy face, fingers and toes back. I think about her lying on my chest every single morning. Not anybody else's baby. Mine.

Big (((Hugs))) to you @Poppy715

(((Hugs))) right back.

Unknown · October 2013

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libby+nate · October 2013

LifeofCat said:

Poppy715 said:
I don't have baby envy, no. I want the baby I had back. I loved that one. She was perfect. I don't care if other people have babies. I wish I still had the little girl that was supposed to be mine. That's what I want.
This. I miss Marianne every single moment and I want *her* squishy face, fingers and toes back. I think about her lying on my chest every single morning. Not anybody else's baby. Mine.

Big (((Hugs))) to you @Poppy715

So sorry for both of you. I cannot even imagine. You are such strong women! Huge (((hugs))) to you both.

saramfaria · October 2013

I do not want anyone else's baby I just wish I was still pregnant and experiencing everything that my friends are going through.

chusum · October 2013

When I first started TTC my neighbors and I all had a pregnancy pact, the pact was done on New Years 2009. Well during 2009 everyone got pregnant and my H and I finally got on the wagon at the tail end in September. I would have still been remotely close to everyone else if my first pregnancy had made it. No advice. And nothing magical I can say.

ETA: I didn't read all the comments in this thread before posting. Just answering the initial OP's question!

gscoville · October 2013

saramfaria said:

I do not want anyone else's baby I just wish I was still pregnant and experiencing everything that my friends are going through.

We all want that, but the point that everyone is making is that actively hating on those around you just because they have a baby or are pregnant is not healthy. If you're doing things to those people that you wouldn't do to others, like letting doors close on them and wishing you could punch them, then you are clearly in need of help, and if you're getting it then that's a good thing. Ultimately, when I have to deal with friends who have babies, I keep in mind the entire reason for me wanting children - I like babies/children, I love them as a matter of fact, and even if I can't seem to conceive one of my own I still like being around them. I'm only punishing myself by avoiding friends and their babies, do I want a relationship with these children or am I going to punish them, their mother and myself for their existence by hating them and/or avoiding them? When I think of things in this way, it really helps to put any jealousy I might have into perspective. Doesn't mean I still don't feel those pangs of hurt, but it's manageable and doesn't prevent me from staying involved in society as a whole and the lives of my friends specifically.

Unknown · October 2013

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Poppy715 · October 2013

chusum said:
When I first started TTC my neighbors and I all had a pregnancy pact, the pact was done on New Years 2009. Well during 2009 everyone got pregnant and my H and I finally got on the wagon at the tail end in September. I would have still been remotely close to everyone else if my first pregnancy had made it. No advice. And nothing magical I can say.

ETA: I didn't read all the comments in this thread before posting. Just answering the initial OP's question!

What? :-/ a pregnancy pact? Really? This seems like such a bad way to decide its time to TTC and have a baby. I can understand the thought of how fun it would be to have babies at the same time. But a pact? Seriously? Wasn't there a Lifetime movie about teenage girls doing this?

alleycat39 · October 2013

FitMamaInProgress said:

I didn't let it slam in her face ! I just didn't hold it open and wait for her to get to the door and yes that's the most angry thing I've done and I've felt guilty about it. But I'm tired of crying and sobbing and feeling robbed of the joy to be a parent. I hate that I was 15 weeks . I hate that everyone at work already knew. I hate that I have a reminder everytime I look in the mirror because I gained weight. I hate that only maternity jeans are still fitting me right now and yeah... I'm envious of others with babies and for the past few days-angry. Sigh. This clearly isn't the board I'm supposed to be on bc I'm still struggling more than it seems most of you may be-- back to miscarriage and loss I guess

Wow- rather hasty I must say. I'd be careful about saying that you are struggling more than others. Everyone has gone through their own unique experience and no one person's pain is measured against another's here.

FitMamaInProgress · October 2013

@alyson I already explained that I didn't mean it as it came off. Obviously we've all been through hell- it's horrible. I just meant I'm not handling it/my emotions/anger very well. That's ALL.

I did go back to the MC board and just came on here to read some posts and saw people were still commenting on here.

I explained my entire feelings on a post on the mc board but - I never set out.. In person or online to hurt anyone. I am a special education teacher and dedicate my entire life to helping others. I am just struggling.... Terribly... Right now.

I'm sorry to anyone who was offended or hurt by my comments. It came out completely wrong and after being followed by me sharing my angry moments this week- I just look like a bad person.

Back to the original question- no I don't envy others babies in the way that I want THEIR child--- I am jealous of those who get to experience a healthy pregnancy and I wish I were still pregnant. I wish I (we all) didn't ever have to know what this pain is like and wish I didn't feel nervous for it to just happen again. I want my baby back...

Unknown · October 2013

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gscoville · October 2013

meladoriestar said:

saramfaria said:

I do not want anyone else's baby I just wish I was still pregnant and experiencing everything that my friends are going through.

We all want that, but the point that everyone is making is that actively hating on those around you just because they have a baby or are pregnant is not healthy. If you're doing things to those people that you wouldn't do to others, like letting doors close on them and wishing you could punch them, then you are clearly in need of help, and if you're getting it then that's a good thing. Ultimately, when I have to deal with friends who have babies, I keep in mind the entire reason for me wanting children - I like babies/children, I love them as a matter of fact, and even if I can't seem to conceive one of my own I still like being around them. I'm only punishing myself by avoiding friends and their babies, do I want a relationship with these children or am I going to punish them, their mother and myself for their existence by hating them and/or avoiding them? When I think of things in this way, it really helps to put any jealousy I might have into perspective. Doesn't mean I still don't feel those pangs of hurt, but it's manageable and doesn't prevent me from staying involved in society as a whole and the lives of my friends specifically.
I don't think it was OP that had said that about closing the door in someone's face. It was someone else who has now returned to the mc board, so sadly I don't think she'll see your excellent advice. But I must say that your comment has actually given me another perspective that I hadn't thought about. I also struggle with seeing or speaking to my friends, but I like your way of seeing things. Thank you for sharing.

Oops, you're right, I read the whole thread when it first came up but got the names/comments mixed up! But I'm glad if anything in my rambling helped. ((hugs))

dawnstar898 · October 2013

The day I found out I had a MMC, I was sent home from work. Where did I go? I went to the hospital to visit my good friend who had just given birth the day before. I was like "oh my god, is this a good idea?" I was a little sad, but that little baby was such a joy that I couldn't help but feel so happy for my friend. She had a miscarriage this time last year, so the fact that here I was holding her little one gave me so much hope. Now on the other hand, I have a friend who just came out on facebook and is posting those weekly development updates. She's due April 19th and I was due the 25th, those are hard because it reminds me of where I should be. I am happy for her and sad for me, I try to keep those emotions separate from each other. I've always thought of myself as a very emotionally strong, balanced and stable person. This is definitely a big test for that! I just have to believe that my time will come and so will yours

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