Question (family stuff)

Crgardner957 · October 2013

So long story short my mom got pregnant with me at 18 years old with an abusive man, they had problems and she left him, and he didn't like that. Well fast forward to almost 2 years and he commits suicide at a park in front of me and my mom. I'm still pretty close to my bio dads mom.

My mom got married when I was 3 to the person I call daddy. Well, I didn't find anything out until I was 11 and honestly I wish I NEVER EVER found out that my daddy wasn't my bio dad. When I turned 17-18 or so my bio dads mom would constantly talk about him and it kind of bothered me but I would change the subject pretty quick because I didn't want to talk about him. I've never talked about him, and honestly don't care to. Well, since I've had kids my bio dads mom is again constantly bringing him up in front of my kids. My oldest is almost 3 and I know in a few years that my kids are going to start asking who Joey is since she's always talking about him and I don't want my kids knowing who he is at all. Of course when they get older they are going to know something is up having an extra great grandma and then we will tell them.

So if you read all of that how do I mention to my bio dads mom that I would appreciate it if she didn't mention him in front of my kids anymore.
She's very very controlling and really tries to control what we do and how we spend money, what we wear...etc., so I'm kinda scared to bring it up but I have to do it for myself and my kids.

Thanks

mavgirl_73 · October 2013

I have a question: Why does your grandmother question how you spend your money, control what you do, etc? Also you may not have to explain anything to your kids about an extra great grandmother. Although at some point you should tell them about your biological dad as those sorts of secrets don't stay hidden well. As far as what to say, be honest. You want to be the one to bring up your dad and would appreciate it if she would refrain from bringing him up in front of your children. But know that you can't make her, regardless of what he did or what kind of person he was he was still her child. You're a mom, think about it. You're their mom, set the boundaries.

tyedyeme12 · October 2013

That's kind of hard, because I'm sure she doesn't want to seem like he is forgotten. He is, after all, still her son, and she still loves him.

Since you said you're still very close with her, I think you need to have a very open conversation with her and explain that it still hurts to hear about him, and that you DO plan on talking to your children about him when they're older, but you don't think they're old enough just yet to understand and learn about death.

But really try to hear her out, too. You said he was abusive and committed suicide, and that is hard. However, again, I think she just wants to make sure he is remembered for the good things in his life.

Crgardner957 · October 2013

mavgirl_73 said:
I have a question: Why does your grandmother question how you spend your money, control what you do, etc? Also you may not have to explain anything to your kids about an extra great grandmother. Although at some point you should tell them about your biological dad as those sorts of secrets don't stay hidden well. As far as what to say, be honest. You want to be the one to bring up your dad and would appreciate it if she would refrain from bringing him up in front of your children. But know that you can't make her, regardless of what he did or what kind of person he was he was still her child. You're a mom, think about it. You're their mom, set the boundaries.

She's just always been like that. From what my mom was telling me she was like that even after my bio dad commited suicide and was already married to my dad. Shes a mortage lender(i think thats what its called) and she found out a few years ago that my parents bought a new house so she went online and pulled up their credit and their info to their house. My mom hasn't talked to her since I was 16, when I got my license and I was able to drive myself. I will tell the kids at some point, but not until they are older. I thought by me changing the subject or not commenting back to her talking about her son that she would get a hint that I don't want to talk about it. But obviously not.

lifesaverz · October 2013

Crgardner957 said:

I have a question: Why does your grandmother question how you spend your money, control what you do, etc? Also you may not have to explain anything to your kids about an extra great grandmother. Although at some point you should tell them about your biological dad as those sorts of secrets don't stay hidden well. As far as what to say, be honest. You want to be the one to bring up your dad and would appreciate it if she would refrain from bringing him up in front of your children. But know that you can't make her, regardless of what he did or what kind of person he was he was still her child. You're a mom, think about it. You're their mom, set the boundaries.
She's just always been like that. From what my mom was telling me she was like that even after my bio dad commited suicide and was already married to my dad. Shes a mortage lender(i think thats what its called) and she found out a few years ago that my parents bought a new house so she went online and pulled up their credit and their info to their house. My mom hasn't talked to her since I was 16, when I got my license and I was able to drive myself. I will tell the kids at some point, but not until they are older. I thought by me changing the subject or not commenting back to her talking about her son that she would get a hint that I don't want to talk about it. But obviously not.

yeah I wouldn't count on that working, it sounds like direct communication is needed here. What the other PPs said is great advice - just be honest, let her know you want to tell your kids about your bio dad on your own terms, & that you'd appreciate if she didn't mention him around them.

RanFan28 · October 2013

My personality is such that this would not be difficult for me but, it sounds like you will have to just be blunt. I understand her desire to keep the memory alive, but your memories of him are not fond ones. In this case, you're not just protecting them from death, you're protecting them from learning about suicide and abuse. Stand you ground and let her know where the line is or she will continue to walk all over it. Not that it matters too
much, but these are both topics that I will also have to tread with my kids, regarding different family members. I'm sorry you are dealing with it.

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