Question from a soon to be mom(kinda long)

Twiggymommy · October 2013

Hi everyone!

I recently had to step away from the one job I've ever really lived having. I was a respite care aide for 2 high functioning autistic boys with a whole slew of other developmental issues ranking from ptsd to bipolar to add and anything and everything in between. I love those boys with all my heart but anyone who knows about autism knows they can be violent and there's really no stopping them when they are. I have had everything from books to knives to pieces of a sectional thrown at me. The younger of the 2 also has a thing for punching people in the stomach for no apparent reason which is why I had to step away during my Pregnancy. However the mother, who I also have become somewhat attached to, wants me to come back when I have the baby and even offered to let me bring the baby and have a little make shift nursery in the spare bedroom. I have seen the boys interact with infants and they are super gentle with them and no matter how far in to a meltdown they are they won't hurt a baby. My So is totally against me going back there at all and wants me to be a SAHM but I'm not sure I want to. Also just about any other job I'd be qualified for wouldn't pay much more then we'd be paying for daycare. So the options are me staying at home or going back to work for a job that would be putting me in danger but I love and gives me purpose. I have a lot of time to think about it but I'm so torn I'm not sure I'll be able to make this decision at all. Anyone else have a similar situation?

ss+el · October 2013

I agree - if you do go back, don't take the baby. They may be gentle around babies who are there for a short time, but what happens if this baby keeps coming back? I don't know much about autism (or how long you're around these boys each week), but kids in general can get jealous when their caretaker suddenly has other kids to take care of.

court115 · October 2013

This is just me but I know that I don't think I could handle an infant and two autistic boys. Take that with a grain of salt though because I don't think I could handle two autistic boys in the first place. I think there's a special place on heaven for people who work with special needs children and I'll never get there but back to the point....those boys are used to having your full attention and if you're getting paid to take care of them, that's where your full attention should be. If you do go back, I would get childcare for your infant.

ccam · October 2013

If this is a job you love, I would go back but find childcare for your LO.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

The first thing I need to know is if your SO is opposed to you working at all or if he's specifically opposed to you working with these boys and having your child present. If it's that he isn't comfortable having his baby around the kids, then your decision is already made. You don't go back. If he's just opposed to you working and you want to work, that's a conversation to have with him. Because he doesn't get to decide that for you. You need to discuss his reasoning for wanting you at home and yours for wanting to work and come to some sort of arrangement you're both comfortable with.

All of this. You need to know what he means by "not going back". just to THIS job or to work at all.

At a minimum, I agree that the environment isn't a good one for a baby. As someone said, the boys may be good w/ babies who are there briefly. But when the baby is there every day all day, something could change.

If that' syour DH issue, I am fully 100% behind him.

shakinros · October 2013

ccam said:
If this is a job you love, I would go back but find childcare for your LO.

I second this.

Twiggymommy · October 2013

he's an old-fashioned southern "good ol' boy" and doesn't want anyone else raising his kids, with my step son we worked opposite shifts most of the time and when it overlapped I would take him with me but SO wasn't terribly happy with that. However since I stepped away he has had to pick up a second job (I worked part time but made more an hour so it evened out. But losing my income hit us hard) I don't think he'd mind me going back to work as long as I'd be able to keep the babies (my step son just turned 3 last friday) with me.

laurakaz13 · October 2013

shakinros said:

If this is a job you love, I would go back but find childcare for your LO.
I second this.

All of this.

Twiggymommy · October 2013

That's where the problem lies, he doesn't want a "stranger raising his (our) kids"

rubber_chicken · October 2013

In my opinion, if your husband needs to work two jobs and insane hours for you to be able to stay home, then you're better off working. Children need to spend time with their fathers, too.

glaw · October 2013

LMFAO! He's a good ol' boy who doesn't want a stranger to "raise" his kids? How offensive! How about I judge him for getting divorced or having a kid out of wedlock (ie your step-son). How about I tell you how messed up he will be bc he has a step-mom. How does THAT make you feel? Think before you post. Everyone who is on this forum is a WORKING mom - meaning we have daycare or nanny and we ALL know we are still raising our own kids. Too bad you married someone so narrow minded and there is nothing "good ol' boy" about him especially if he's divorced or knocked someone up without being married so take your rose colored glasses off and see him for who he truly is-a backwards country bumpkin!

Twiggymommy · October 2013

I meant no offence to anyone. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I don't feel that daycare is a horrible thing, I was raised by a single mother and was in daycare myself. I was simply quoting my SO. Also I'm not wearing "rose colored glasses" when it comes to him, I accept his flaws just as he does mine . again I am sorry I offended anyone.

APendola · October 2013

I know it's been said by other posters, but if you go back to this job - I wouldn't bring the baby. a) caring for an infant and two autistic children is not something you can do on your own... b) if the boys have put you in danger to the point where you don't feel comfortable working with them while pregnant, then you shouldn't feel comfortable putting an infant in that situation.

Is there a potential option to work part time there or something so that you have more time with your kids?

mslmk11 · October 2013

I agree with PP's. Have the conversation with DH to clarify if he just doesn't want your LO at your job with you. If that's his only qualm, there shouldn't be a reason you can't work a job you feel fulfilled in. It was kind of the mom to offer the makeshift nursery, but if you're being paid to watch her children, you need to be separated (mentally and emotionally) from yours, because you will find, that when you are near your LO, you will not want to stop paying attention, which is sort of bad because she's not paying you to watch your baby. If you want to work, finding childcare is going to be the best option, and even if you're comfortable with bringing LO, but your DH isn't. Unity and his comfort is worth something, isn't it?

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