"I have two mommies!"

+just+j+ · October 2013

Tonite DD told me getting ready for bed and doing our "God Bless" prayer that she had 2 mommies.

Um. What?

So I ask, "You have 2 mommies?" She says, "Yeah! One at this house, and one at daddy's house!"

Maybe I shouldn't have said it, but I told DD that "You know R is not your mommy right? That's daddy's girlfriend." She said, "Uh-huh"

I followed up quick that it's nice and I know that R is very good to her.

She turns to me, hugs me tight and says, "You're my best mommy ever!"

Which made me feel good, but I have to admit the 2 mommies comment stung. And where did she get that? Maybe she came to that conclusion herself because I know R babies and mothers her. It's making me wonder tho if XH or R is teaching her that. And of course, given the circumstances between XH and I, I can't ask him that nor can I control anything that goes on or is said in that house.

It's just another tough "first" pill to swallow. Especially when I know R won't be the last "mommy" figure she'll have in her life.

How did that go Wendilea?

I will shut my fucking mouth.

I will shut my fucking mouth

I will shut my fucking mouth.

ambrvan · October 2013

Oh, J, I hurt for you, honey.

At her age, she honestly might be coming up with that in her own. Kids that age don't differentiate between friend that is a girl, girlfriend, fiance, and wife. But the know who their mother is regardless of any other women in their lives. You know she will always know the difference.

+just+j+ · October 2013

I keep telling myself that.

I have so many fears. I know there are going to be times when she will stop telling me I'm the best mommy ever and this is nothing. Wait until her teen years when I'm the disciplinarian and XH is not backing me up. XH and his latest will be the best ever.

Jesus. My experience with XSD sometimes really scares me when it comes to DD.

+just+j+ · October 2013

I actually had to stop myself from wondering what he was telling DD. When we dated he told me about XSD's mom and that he needed a good example for his daughter. In that case it's true. She did need a good role model, but it was too late. Still, I started wondering what BS he was telling R.

It's becoming very clear to me that it's becoming a little bit of a competition for them and they are spoiling DD. Which drives me insane. I'm the one who says no and is the adult, and DD doesn't always get her way. And I have to deal with a much more fits and tantrums, and a stubborn child because they baby and spoil her. I do not look forward to the future if this continues.

It's why I'm awake at this hour. I'm torturing myself with stupid what ifs.

Time to turn on CNN and stop thinking.

Thanks for being up late with me ladies. It's helped.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Oh I already know he is going to go nuts. Last weekend he asked me if I had slept with anyone yet. I said "how is that any of your business?" He thought that was an automatic admission. I ended that conversation. This is why it's been so hard not to engage. I had been ignoring and shutting down a lot this past week. I expect to be handed a lot of grief. I almost look forward to the tables turning.

Nineoceans · October 2013

That had to hurt, I wouldn't have seen anything wrong with correcting her and saying "you have a mommy and a stepmom" even though the flavor of the month probably won't even last that long.

Sad for your dd that she will be attached to people who will be gone quickly. However, my Dh dated a girl very seriously for two years before he met me and if you asked my SS today he wouldn't remember her at all and she was around my SS a lot. As long as the bio parents are happy and ok, the kids will be too

SimpleJane · October 2013

I seriously dread the day. I know it will happen to me eventually as well. Sorry, J

Hopeforthebest · October 2013

I'm not a mom, just a stepmom and reading that even bothered me.

I think you handled it great and I encourage you to NOT bring it up to ex...he sounds like the type that would enjoy getting under your skin and then play it up even more.

My SD last summer was into playing baby dinosaur and would call her dad the daddy dinosaur and SS brother dinosaur so it was natural at our house to call me the mommy dinosaur. When she went back home after summer she got on phone with us one day and asked to speak to the mommy dinosaur and I almost died. BM hung up the phone and I genuinely felt bad.

Just try to always remember, if the gf is treating your daughter well and caring for her, that is the best case scenario. I know it is gonna suck if/when she leaves and a new flavor comes in. But for now, I'd continue doing what you are doing.

sweetwalks · October 2013

I am so sorry!

Because I've been the SM accused of teaching SK to call me mom, I'll give my .02

SK was young, learning to talk. I also have kids, who called me mom. SK was with us quite a bit, but NEVER called me mommy. If so, it was corrected immediately because I feel very strongly about that. However, apparently, during PO/DO SK would say "mommy & daddy" when we pulled up next to BM. This automatically led her to a barrage of nastiness, indicating if it didn't stop she would make sure SK called her BF "daddy". It was hurtful to DH because we knew we weren't encouraging it or teaching it.

So kudos, for not engaging in this with your EXH. SK knows who his mommy is, and is always excited to see her and hates to see her go at PO. On the same hand, he loves those of us living in our house and is sad to leave when that time comes. Your DD knows who you are, and will always know.

twister22 · October 2013

J, I'm so sorry. And I'm really proud of you for not engaging. I think you handled it well with DD. When BD was dating XGF/BM2 she told DS he had to call her "Mommy FN," and it KILLED me. It was quite the drama. I'm just so glad that's in the past, and this soon will be too. Just give it time and R will see through the BS.

Ilumine · October 2013

Do not engage.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

sweetwalks said:

I am so sorry!

Because I've been the SM accused of teaching SK to call me mom, I'll give my .02

SK was young, learning to talk. I also have kids, who called me mom. SK was with us quite a bit, but NEVER called me mommy. If so, it was corrected immediately because I feel very strongly about that. However, apparently, during PO/DO SK would say "mommy & daddy" when we pulled up next to BM. This automatically led her to a barrage of nastiness, indicating if it didn't stop she would make sure SK called her BF "daddy". It was hurtful to DH because we knew we weren't encouraging it or teaching it.

So kudos, for not engaging in this with your EXH. SK knows who his mommy is, and is always excited to see her and hates to see her go at PO. On the same hand, he loves those of us living in our house and is sad to leave when that time comes. Your DD knows who you are, and will always know.

K was almost 2 when DH and I started dating. The first Summer we were together, I stayed with DH for the 2 weeks my kids were with DC. DH maintained his normal visits with K during that time, and I had been in the picture for nearly 6 months already and had spent lots of time with K leading up to that. While I was staying there I helped make dinner, bathe K, tuck K in, etc. I took her with me when I had my nails done one day and we went shopping afterwards. Before the weekend was over she called me "mommy Jo" a few times, and it surprised me. She was 3 at the time, and when I reminded her that I'm not "Mommy Jo", I'm just "Jo", she told me that I take care of her and so I'm "Mommy Jo". Yes, that lead to a huge fight between DH and BM, and we in no way encouraged her to call me that. Kids at that age are just really "black and white". Here we are, 4 1/2 years later and K tells people at school she has 2 moms. Just like I'm sure if BM was married and the guy had been around as long as I've been here, K would tell people she has 2 dads.

I think there's 2 scenarios here: 1) XH is telling your DD that R is "mommy" when DD is with him. If he's doing that it's because he knows she's going to repeat it to you and it's going to hurt. Or 2) R takes good care of your DD when she's there and DD genuinely likes her. Given DD's age (she's 4, I believe?) she just sees woman who take care of her as being mothers. Not taking away from her feelings for you, just sorting out how different women can care for her (Gma's are moms, you're a mom, etc). Since DD voluntarily included R in her prayers, I'm inclined to think that scenario #2 is the likely culprit. Your XH is a douche, yes. But if they were forcing DD to call R "mom", I don't know that DD would voluntarily include R in prayers without any sort of prompting, KWIM?

I know that hearing "I have 2 mommies" stung. But you know that DD loves and adores you. And you know that of course one day you're not going to be "the bestest mommy" because DD will be an adolescent and think you're an evil person for telling her "no", just like all little girls do. I think you handled the situation very well, and I applaud you for not bashing R to DD. It's really important that DD feel like she's allowed to care about and like whoever your douchey XH has around.

Pamelacake · October 2013

I also commend you. I have been on both sides of that fence and it hurts bad, especially if the relationship is new and probably won't last.

I have known my SD's for pretty much their whole life as well as SS's. I also think it may have to do with age. When DH and I got together, SD's wanted to start calling me mom right away. They always called me mom when they were a lot younger too but I didn't think anything of it, they were just learning to talk and they only knew grandma at the time.

I tried to discourage it when I moved in and we had a pic of BM in their room. BM made SD's give her the picture out of their room in the beginning .. not sure why.

SS's are much older and started calling me mom after close to a year. They don't say it on a regular basis.

When 10yo DS was younger, he had to call me by my first name in front of certain people or he would get into trouble. That didn't last long but it was extremely hard for me not to say something but I knew DS was being abused so I went along with it until I had proof to get him completely out of the situation.

+just+j+ · October 2013

When we say God Bless's I run thru my family. I say "God Bless Poppa". And she says "Poppa". And I repeat with the next family member or friend. At the end I always let her pick people. Sometimes she will repeat. Sometimes its our dog from 2 years back. And sometimes its random friends she has made. Last night she interupted to insert R and I happily included her. At the end is when she made the 2 mommy remark.

I can never deny my daughter anyone to love or bless. I include XH in those prayers. I will not deny her R.

I do find it very surprising she has established R as mother figure so soon. They have not been dating that long. I do not think XH would tell her that unless he intended to marry R. And that is very possible. I believe the two mommy thought was put in her head. She gets very defensive about who her mommy and daddy are and if you try to tell her something different she firmly and loudly tell you NO! THAT is mommy!

I would bet after only 5 months he is talking marriage. Anyone want to put up a $100?

Lets add a 7th or 8th wife to the list. Yes. I said "or". I have reason to believe there is a wife or two that I didn't know about. Turns out XSD may not have been lying to me afterall.

Anyway, I would not care if they were except I don't believe it will last. I feel XH is using her and its just hard to sit back and watch. I also worry for my daughters sake obviously.

But....

I will keep my fucking mouth shut.
I will keep my fucking mouth shut.
I will keep my fucking mouth shut.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

I can never deny my daughter anyone to love or bless. I include XH in those prayers. I will not deny her R.

I do find it very surprising she has established R as mother figure so soon. They have not been dating that long.

I think the bold speaks volumes about your character and your desire to always make sure DD is put first. For that, I applaud you. It takes a very mature and secure person to say the bolded.

As for the shortness of time they've been together, it was only 6 months in when K called me "Mommy Jo". I think it just really depends on how much time the kids are spending with the SO and how the SO interacts with the kids. Either way, I'm glad that DD is coming home happy about spending time with R. Thank God R is nothing like Amazon...

+just+j+ · October 2013

OMG thanks for pointing that out. I didnt think of Amazon.

I just find it surprising because DD saw our in home care provider more than R and if DD is coming up with this on her own she would have considered her as well.

My gut is telling me something is up. It would just explain it. We will see if I am right.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Jobalchak - you spent a lot of time with yours. R has not compared to you or my provider.

Another thought.... XH could be like coopsbaby's ex.

I am not complaining. I have it better than most. If I can keep mouth shut.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

OMG thanks for pointing that out. I didnt think of Amazon. I just find it surprising because DD saw our in home care provider more than R and if DD is coming up with this on her own she would have considered her as well. My gut is telling me something is up. It would just explain it. We will see if I am right.

I think that's the hardest part: you feel in your gut that something is up but you cannot inquire of XH. Unfortunately any sort of communication with him becomes a fight (much like with BM in my situation). Even simple questions of "How was DD this weekend?" is perceived to be an interrogation. And that just sucks. Parents should be able to ask each other things without a frigging fight involved. And your XH is deliberately evasive to the point of causing you concern over DD since he can't answer simple questions.

ambrvan · October 2013

+just+j+ said:
When we say God Bless's I run thru my family. I say "God Bless Poppa". And she says "Poppa". And I repeat with the next family member or friend. At the end I always let her pick people. Sometimes she will repeat. Sometimes its our dog from 2 years back. And sometimes its random friends she has made. Last night she interupted to insert R and I happily included her. At the end is when she made the 2 mommy remark.

I can never deny my daughter anyone to love or bless. I include XH in those prayers. I will not deny her R.

I do find it very surprising she has established R as mother figure so soon. They have not been dating that long. I do not think XH would tell her that unless he intended to marry R. And that is very possible. I believe the two mommy thought was put in her head. She gets very defensive about who her mommy and daddy are and if you try to tell her something different she firmly and loudly tell you NO! THAT is mommy!

I would bet after only 5 months he is talking marriage. Anyone want to put up a $100?

Lets add a 7th or 8th wife to the list. Yes. I said "or". I have reason to believe there is a wife or two that I didn't know about. Turns out XSD may not have been lying to me afterall.

Anyway, I would not care if they were except I don't believe it will last. I feel XH is using her and its just hard to sit back and watch. I also worry for my daughters sake obviously.

But....

I will keep my fucking mouth shut.
I will keep my fucking mouth shut.
I will keep my fucking mouth shut.

I'm only laughing here and only going to say this because if I were in your situation I would be doing exactly the same thing: trying to figure out out! He doesn't make sense, J. He doesn't function like normal, well-rounded, contributing members of society. There will always be things he does that you just can't figure out. And there will be things he does simply to make you run in circles trying!

You acknowledge there is nothing you can do about it except to do what you have been doing on your end. So quit over thinking it. It's one think to just keep your mouth shut, but thinking about it and picking apart his little games is going to drive you nuts.

Easier said than done. I know. But keeping quiet is not the same as long it go, and you are not going to truly be happy and able to breathe easy until you do.

ream02 · October 2013

I was just reading through these older posts so that I can see the dynamics of the board before I intro and share my issues.. But I want you to know I went through this exact thing and it stung bad like with you. I did not say anything the first say 5 times DD said it back when she was 5, but after a while I finally told her that I'm glad she loves SM and that SM really loves her too, but that I am mommy. I said that SM is a wonderful SM and I'm glad that they are so close, but I will always be mommy. I felt kind of like a jerk for correcting her. But I also felt she was genuinely confused by the whole thing.

aim1218 · October 2013

Though I am on the other side of the fence here being the SM and all, but I have to say my step daughter's BM is AWESOME about accepting me as the 'other mother'. I don't know your situation or how long BD has been with girlfriend, but in my circumstance I've been with my (now) DH for 5 years. My SD started calling me her stepmother when she was about 3 or 4 (she is 6 now) after I had been around her for almost 2 years. She has switched from nickname to nickname and has finally settled on "Mom" (Though she insists on pronouncing it maahhhhmm even though we live in Florida lol). BM never corrected her or talked down about calling me Mom or her other mother. We both support my SD in telling her she is soooo luck to have 2 daddies and 2 mommies, one for each house, to care for her and love her.

I asked BM one day how she was so comfortable with her daughter getting attached to me, the other mother figure. Her answer, "Why would I deny my child love? That's the most important thing you could give them in life"

Closing point, no I don't understand your hurt because I don't have a child of my own calling another person their other mommy. But I can say if the girlfriend and BD are committed, and girlfriend loves your DD as her own, let your baby think what she wants, if having 2 mommies that love her makes her happy, why try and correct that and take it away? She's young, and when she grows up she will know who her 'first mommy' is and why you hold the up-most importance :-]

aim1218 · October 2013

I totally just re-read your post and saw the major detail of 'they haven't been dating very long'. Can I insert foot in my mouth now? Sheesh I feel like a total dimwitted witch now! My ultimate apologies for my previous post

Twiggymommy · October 2013

Honestly she probably came up with it herself. And I'm saying that as someone who has been in both her shoes and yours!
My mom and dad were never "technically" together (I was the surprise baby in highschool) and my dad got married when I was 4. I would always tell anyone and everyone how I had TWO MOMMIES! lol but now that I'm a (step) mom and his bio mom sees him once every year and a half. (since I've been around when he was six months old she has only seen him twice. He's 3 now) it kinda hurts that she'll force him to call her mommy. Hewon't do it unless she bribes him but still

+just+j+ · October 2013

That's okay aim. I understand where it's coming from.

It's hard because I know she won't last. XH's marriages and relationships just do not last because he burns them out financially, emotionally, and mentally very quickly.

It will be fine. I'm getting over it. Not only is DD is young and does not fully understand the impact of this, but more importantly, I realized that XH would never like it if DD called another man daddy. I'd like to think he would respect that title for me too.

I won't deny my child the love of someone else - I just don't think it's necessary to call her "mom" as well.

coopsbaby · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

Jobalchak - you spent a lot of time with yours. R has not compared to you or my provider. Another thought.... XH could be like coopsbaby's ex. I am not complaining. I have it better than most. If I can keep mouth shut.

Hey, at least there's that, right?

I try to console myself with the fact that at least I don't have to worry about safety or parenting choices like some do, since it's all up to me!

But it's natural to want your child to have the best possible of everything, and you don't want someone to play mind games with them. I sincerely hope they aren't planting ideas in her head, and I think I'd likely try to gently correct it, but not push. It would be really hurtful to me for my child to call someone else mom. JMHO.

aim1218 · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

That's okay aim. I understand where it's coming from.
It's hard because I know she won't last. XH's marriages and relationships just do not last because he burns them out financially, emotionally, and mentally very quickly.
It will be fine. I'm getting over it. Not only is DD is young and does not fully understand the impact of this, but more importantly, I realized that XH would never like it if DD called another man daddy. I'd like to think he would respect that title for me too.
I won't deny my child the love of someone else - I just don't think it's necessary to call her "mom" as well.

DH wouldn't even allow me to actively be a part of his DD's life within the first year of us dating. If/when had me around it was for a short while on one day in the weekend. I believe I may have went with him to pick her up a few times, but even then it was just an hour drive, a quick dinner, then dropping me off at home. Around the time I moved in with DH was about the same time BM moved in with her now husband, and since we only saw her on the weekends, she did get a bit confused around age 3-4 as to who her real father was. She called her SD Papa while I was still being called by my first name. She called her BM Mommy and BD Daddy. I remember having conversations along the lines of her saying that 'Mommy told her she did -insert cute thing here- when she was a baby' and I'd respond telling her that Daddy told me that story and how cute/funny it was. She would get confused and say 'well papa saw it too' and i'd have to explain that papa wasn't around when she was a baby, and she would argue that he was, she even made a statement that 'papa came before daddy did'. It was kind of ignored/lightly corrected and she eventually grew out of it.

So with all that being said, I can't believe your XH is allowing your DD to be around this new girlfriend so suddenly. I would think he would be a little more protective of 'his time' if you get what I mean, rather than sharing it with someone that he isn't sure is going to stick around very long.

And to let you know that the confusion may set in for your little girl, but just keep in mind that it will pass and it's not permanent :-]

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