I need suggestions! Baby on my brain!

Casper417 · October 2013

Hello everyone!

My husband and I recently got married in July, but we have been together for three years. I am 21 and he will be 26 in December. We both want kids, but I feel like I was born to be a mother. I can't wait to have a baby. I know what goes along with having a child. I was a big part in the raising of my little brother (who is now 8)

I recently asked my husband if we could start thinking about ttc and he just isn't ready yet. He wants to be in his 30's, but I don't know if I can wait that long. I would like to be in my early to mid 20's when we have our first child.

We both have full-times jobs and health insurance. We are about 85% out of debt. I am also going to a nearby college. (Mostly online)

Downside is that we live in my mother-in-laws house. She has a two story house and we live on the bottom floor, which has its own living room, kitchen, two bedrooms, and a bathroom.

I also have an IUD (which I know I will have to get taken out before we TTC) and I am on Effexor 150. (which I also want to get off before we TTC)

How to I get my point across to my husband that getting pregnant soon is very important to me?

Maybe this just isn't the right time for us. how do we know when it is the right time?

nannabee21 · October 2013

You have to be on the same page as your husband. Ttc is not something you want to be one sided. As hard as it is, if he isn't ready, it's not the right time. Let the subject rest for a few months and bring it up again. Talk to him and see what his reservations are. Trust me, if you're deceptive in your efforts, he may end up resenting you and your future child. You are still young with plenty of time. Talk with your DH and maybe set up a timetable that is good for both of you so you have a more concrete date to shoot for. Good luck to you!

JemmaWRX · October 2013

You need to respect his wishes. Table the conversation for now. You're 21! You have plenty of time!

And finish school, get your own place, etc.

Ducktale · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

You tell him the truth. That you want to get pregnant sooner. But if he isn't on board, then it's NOT the right time. Sit down with him and make a list of the things he wants to do/accomplish before having a child so that you have a better understanding of why he doesn't feel ready instead of just an arbitrary age.

I'd also cut off my arm before I'd even think about having a kid while sharing a house with my MIL.

This exactly. You're 21, in school, live with your MIL, married for only 4 months, and your husband isn't ready. I'd say its pretty clear now is not the right time. And if you and your husband aren't able to talk honestly about such a life change, then you're really not ready. Enjoy being married for a few years, work on saving money and find a better living situation, and then talk. It would probably help for him to give you specifics on what he wants accomplished prior to babies so you have a more specific goal to be working on. But you will also need to see where he's coming from and respect him too, not just expect him to cave because you feel you can't wait.

PB&J714 · October 2013

As PPs have said, talk with your husband and find out why he would like to wait. Does he want to save more money?, get your own home? (I can't imagine ever living with MIL), for you to be finished with school before TTC? Once you both put everything out on the table, you'll be able to create a more concrete timeline for your goals to achieve as a couple before TTC.

My husband and I recently set a timeline and it feels great to have a plan in place! Now I know what I need to accomplish in order for DH to be ready to start a family.

MMason12 · October 2013

I agree with PP -- You HAVE to be on the same page as your DH. As much as getting pregnant soon is very important to you -- Waiting could be very important to your DH. Why should your want trump your DH's want? You are married now and with marriage comes compromise.

You need to sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart discussion on ttc. You both need to lay out your "perfect plan" for ttc then you need to come up with a middle of the ground solution that will work for you both. Neither one of you should get everything they want otherwise all you are doing is bullying each other.

You really do not want to force your DH to have kids before he ready. Nothing good will come of that. I am sure you understand that having kids will forever alter your day-to-day life. It's not a decision you can just take back. If your DH is not ready for screaming babies at all hours of the night, diapers, the finances of raising a child -- to add that on top of being newly weds that could be a recipe for disaster.

If having children earlier is life was that important for you and if your DH doesn't give in to your every whim with children than your are in trouble. That is a conversation you should have had with your DH before getting married. Besides, you are only 21 years old -- you have plenty of time. Even if you wait 4-5 years when your DH will be in his 30's you are still only in your mid-20's. It's not like you are about to fall in the grave anytime soon.

obxlaurak · October 2013

Did you ask him why he's not ready? I'd start there.

But I agree with the other ladies - if he's not ready it's not the right time. You don't want to force him into something he's not ready for - that will only cause resentment and that can be very harmful on your relationship or his relationship with your future child.

SmileyJay · October 2013

Maybe you could talk to him and come up with a game plan of things he needs to feel "ready". That will give you something to focus your energy on.

I think it is only natural for a man to want to provide a home (not his parent's home) for his wife and child. It sounds like you have a lot of things that would be best sorted out before planning a pregnancy. Finishing college to have a stable career path, having your own place, and figuring out how you can afford a baby are very important first steps that will make things easier in the long run.

The worst thing you can do is pressure him into having a baby or try on your own without him knowing. Don't try to convince him, just have an open dialogue and try to understand each others point of view.

NicholeFett · October 2013

My husband and I were also married in July! We courted with the intention of marriage, so we had four years together where we discussed a lot of the major decisions we knew we would face post wedding day. When to start a family was decided upon before the wedding day. We own our home and vehicles outright, we own several stable investments, and own/operate two companies in addition to our "day time" careers... financially we are set and ready to go. Husband is 37 and I am 27, so we are both ready and anxious to start a family and finally make our parents grandparents. BUT, we still chose to give ourselves the first year of our marriage! It was important to us that we have this time and really allow ourselves to soak up the newlywed stage of our relationship. We are so excited to be "Mama" and "Daddy", but we also are so excited to finally be "Husband" and "Wife"! Since we were both married near the same time, I know you must still be in that newlywed phase... soak it up! Just enjoy being Mrs. and let your marriage bond you closer to your husband before you become parents. My theory in my own relationship is that if I express that I am genuinely respectful and open to his needs/wants, then he is more apt to recognize my needs/wants (and vice versa). Even when we do disagree on a topic, the open communication (and kindness when we disagree) keeps us on the same page. I know my situation is a bit different from yours, but I promise I do sympathize! I too thought I would be a "young" mother, but I did not start dating my husband until I was 23. Your husband is probably seeking independence from his family so he can support a family of his own. That's a good thing, and a good sign! Like other posters have stated, even if he sticks to wanting to wait until he's 30 or so, that will still put you in your mid 20s. The best thing you can do is acknowledge his feelings on the topic, and to remind yourself that he is just trying to make a decision that is the best for both the two of you and the baby you will have.

Want a personalized experience?

I need suggestions! Baby on my brain!

Re: I need suggestions! Baby on my brain!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards