GTKY : Marriage advice

Barefoot84 · October 2013

Our couple therapist just called to postpone our first session, which was supposed to be tonight, to November. To help us make it till then, what's the best mariage advice you've ever received?

Mine, that I didn't take and should have: Marry an orphan.

aylafsu88 · October 2013

We did pre-marriage counseling at my H's church. It was only three session of 30 minutes each but we got some great advice.
The best thing was to ask your partner "how can I help you" especially when they are stressed out, angry, or worried about something. Even if the spouse says nothing it opens the door to communicate and lets them know that you are on their side.
The other thing was to try to stay away from the word you in an argument. Instead of saying "you always..." say "I feel...". The word you puts people on the defensive.

tiredmomsclub · October 2013

5 Love languages book we went through it together has made all the

The most important thing I learned was that I need to intentionally love him everyday. It doesn't come natural for me to love him in the way he feels loved.

nesenotes · October 2013

Best I got was always be nice to his mother because no matter what that is his mother. When you get married you marry the family, so treat them like yours.

From me: try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Men are completely different creatures and their brains work differently. Which is often infuriating. But I have to constantly remind myself he isnt doing xyz to be mean or annoying, im just taking it that way.

hokiemama06 · October 2013

Always look at your role in the situation and see how you can fix it. It's super easy to place all the blame on one person, and even if you're only a tiny contribution, apologizing for your part goes a long way to making the whole situation better.

lilahbean13 · October 2013

Hunter's childhood pastor/preacher/Godly man took us to lunch right after we got married. We asked him what was the secret to him and his wife marriage and he said that they agreed that divorce was never to be spoken of and never an option so every argument they got in, they knew it would be resolved and be ok because the threat of the other person leaving was gone so in the end it doesn't matter what they were mad about because no one was going anywhere. They would just argue and get over it and that was it

lkamenko · October 2013

Sometimes you have to admit you are wrong and say you are sorry.

Talk to your partner - don't hold the grudge.

Barefoot84 · October 2013

nesenotes said:

Best I got was always be nice to his mother because no matter what that is his mother. When you get married you marry the family, so treat them like yours.

Damn. Screwed that one up...

BubbaJug · October 2013

Our pre marriage course: you can't bring up anything after 24 hours has passed. You talk about it then and you solve it. You move on and you don't hash out and rehash old problems over and over. It'll stop you from moving forward like nothing else.

One of you will always love the other more. That's how marriages survive. As long as one of you loves the other more then you can keep going.

For better or worse, you have someone who (ideally) knows you better than anyone else. And going through hard things with a best friend beats the crap out of going through them alone.

My H and I seem to be getting hit with blow after financial blow, like seriously, this shit just does not stop, and I swear The ONLY thing that has gotten us through lately is telling each other over and over that we will figure this out together. We are in this together and together we will put this behind us.

SallySunrise · October 2013

I agree very much with @hokiemama06. Marriage is a TWO person job. Aside from abuse and sort of/sometimes adultery, really no marriage problems can be fairly blamed entirely on one person. You're playing a part, and that's really important to remember.

Also, for the 100th time, the Five Languages of Love book. If you only buy one more book ever in your life, that needs to be it.

nesenotes · October 2013

Barefoot84 said:

nesenotes said:

Best I got was always be nice to his mother because no matter what that is his mother. When you get married you marry the family, so treat them like yours.

Damn. Screwed that one up...

I screw it up all the time too! Dont worry. She is one annoying person. But I know it makes mh's life a little easier to see that I try.

Pandril19 · October 2013

JennMM said:

The biggest thing I took away from our pre-martial counseling session was this "Sometimes, you just need to walk outside and kick a tree." .

This made me giggle. Hi-yah! <- Karate sound approximation.

lewispm · October 2013

I like your advice!! Haha!

In all seriousness though, my best marriage advice ever received has to be "It's better to be happy than to be right". I'm pretty stubborn, and so is MH, but sometimes it's not worth the argument just to be right. Wouldn't you rather just NOT have the argument in the first place rather than cause hurt feelings and stress over trying to battle to be "right"?

SallySunrise · October 2013

This wasn't advice I received, but something that made me a much better wife, I think...

I don't believe in soul mates anymore, and I don't believe that "all you need is loooooooove" or any of that. I used to, and it caused a lot of problems for us, because whenever we had a problem I would think THAT was a problem! (The having of the problem, you see.) If everything wasn't sunshine and rainbows I flipped the F out and thought something was "wrong" with us... We didn't understand each other anymore... Does that mean we're not in love??... Are we not really "meant to be" like I thought??.... Ohh how can this be so HARD if looooove is all you neeeeed????.....

Yeah. Love ain't all you need. You need it, sure, but you also NEED to do the WORK. The love ain't gonna do the work for you. MH isn't The One perfect man sent just for me; he's about as "perfect" as I am. He's The One because I chose him to be the one. I chose to love him for the rest of my life, and it's up to me to keep choosing him every day. Some days are easier than others.

SallySunrise · October 2013

lewispm said:
I like your advice!! Haha!
In all seriousness though, my best marriage advice ever received has to be "It's better to be happy than to be right". I'm pretty stubborn, and so is MH, but sometimes it's not worth the argument just to be right. Wouldn't you rather just NOT have the argument in the first place rather than cause hurt feelings and stress over trying to battle to be "right"?

Yes, good one! It's like one I use with Ben: "It's more important to be kind than to be right."

Pandril19 · October 2013

SallySunrise said:

He's The One because I chose him to be the one. I chose to love him for the rest of my life, and it's up to me to keep choosing him every day. Some days are easier than others.

I _absolutely_ agree with this. I chose TheBoy to be with and to parent with - now I have to choose each thing that makes that work.

Barefoot84 · October 2013

SallySunrise said:

MH isn't The One perfect man sent just for me; he's about as "perfect" as I am. He's The One because I chose him to be the one. I chose to love him for the rest of my life, and it's up to me to keep choosing him every day. Some days are easier than others.

This is beautiful.

EandIMommy86 · October 2013

I've heard "don't take petty arguments personally even if they get heated." Also "although you are married, don't forget to still work on you as an individual because it is easy to get wrapped up in what the other person is always doing, saying or how they are behaving."

Tink522 · October 2013

I am a therapist and I do marital therapy regularly. Here are the 3 questions I ask every couple at the first session 1) Why do you want this marriage to work? 2) What do you still like about your partner 3) Why did you choose your partner in the first place. The other thing I stress to them is to look at how they talk to/treat/interact with your partner, would you treat the cashier at the grocery store/your child's teacher/the neighbor in the same manner? If not why would you give the best of yourself to them and the worst of yourself to your partner?

StokedWifey · October 2013

MH and I went through about 18 months of fighting for our relationship, and well, fighting with each other daily while we were dating. We knew we wanted to be together, but past hurts were preventing us from moving on.

When we A) built our relationship around God and not ourselves,

truly forgave each other and C) promised to not sit on anything that bothered us, big or small, our relationship improved. We've been married for 2.5 years and have had 2 tiny disagreements, one of which was over a silly toy kitchen.

Like @sallysunrise said, you have to choose your husband every day. You have to work to keep your relationship alive. We don't get a ton of time together each day, but when we do, we lay in bed and talk, or take a bath and just relax. We make sure to have kidless dates at least once a month.

I also loved the Love Languages book. It changed the way I speak to MH completely.

Barefoot84 · October 2013

Thanks you laides for all the wonderful advice. Since we already had a baby-sitter lined up last night for the cancelled therapy session, we went out for a nice meal, and we went to bed feeling more connected than we had in a while. We'll make time for more date nights from here on, and I'll be using all your advie.

Kdoy705 · October 2013

In our premarital counseling, we examined our temperament and what that meant for "dealing with each other" on daily basis. Temperament is normally defined as what is innate to your personality / the "unchangeable" aspects.

While I am the one that is constantly scheduling social outings for us, I am actually much more introverted than my H, specifically meaning that I relish and thrive when I spend time alone. Whenever he gets the chance he is out talking to the neighbors, texting his friends, wants to sit right by me on the couch, etc. That is how he recharges and what he craves is just being together. Me on the other hand, I NEED that time by myself everyday, or I become emotionally stressed and overwhelmed and end up literally yelling at him to "leave me alone".

Just understanding this stark difference between us helps put things in perspective. We really recharge in different ways, and we need to keep this in mind on a daily basis. We both break down if we don't get we need, so I try to keep this in the back of my mind. It's a two-way street here, and all about being respectful about what the other person needs.

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