Family Approval

hullabalou · October 2013

My DH and I are certain we are ready to TTC. I am in school still, but I am okay with taking a break and DH makes enough money for me to SAH as long as we decide I should.

We have not told anyone except my sisters, mom and his grandma that we are trying, but I am assuming my dad found out somehow as he has been very vocal about the fact that he thinks I should graduate before TTC. He works with DH so I know he is more sick of it than I am, but it stings a little because I feel that he won't be as excited as he could be about his first grandchild when we do get pregant. I know my opinion and DHs opinion are all that matter, but this has gotten under my skin some.
I have always had a good relationship with my dad, so I dont want to tell him to shove it...but I kinda do.

Has your family been supportive? If not, how have you dealt with snarky comments about TTC?

Emerald27 · October 2013

Hmm...first thought that came to mind is, is your father paying for college, or has he made any financial contribution/investment in your degree?

Remember that he loves you and it's because he loves you and wants what is best for you that he is vocal about thinking you should wait. I'm sure he knows that it could harm your relationship, but he is taking the risk because he cares for you and your future.

So be gentle on your dad, and consider all the aspects of his perspective.

dogperson11 · October 2013

I've told my 2 best friends (we have been best friends for 10 years and 1 of them has been struggling with infertility for 4 years) but that's it. I don't want my family to know we're trying because I don't want questions about it (are you pregnant yet? Have you tried xyz? Are you sure this is the right time?). You could always just talk with your dad next time he brings it up. You don't have to defend yourself to him, but you could let him know that you're both excited and would love his support.

hullabalou · October 2013

No, none of his money has gone into my degree. I know he means well, but we have thought this decision out and it is not something we are going to reconsider unless something drastic changes. I would only have one year left after baby, and that is IF we concieved right away. We both want to start trying now for various reasons,but they are all well thought out.

sister13 · October 2013

mrskbuck said:

My DH and I are certain we are ready to TTC. I am in school still, but I am okay with taking a break and DH makes enough money for me to SAH as long as we decide I should. We have not told anyone except my sisters, mom and his grandma that we are trying, but I am assuming my dad found out somehow as he has been very vocal about the fact that he thinks I should graduate before TTC. He works with DH so I know he is more sick of it than I am, but it stings a little because I feel that he won't be as excited as he could be about his first grandchild when we do get pregant. I know my opinion and DHs opinion are all that matter, but this has gotten under my skin some. I have always had a good relationship with my dad, so I dont want to tell him to shove it...but I kinda do. Has your family been supportive? If not, how have you dealt with snarky comments about TTC?

Oh, only them? I can't imagine how anyone else found out!

How much more school do you have until your degree? Do you have any student loans to pay off? Are you working towards a career or field?

hullabalou · October 2013

I actually told only my sisters, haha. He told my mom and his grandma. It is also possible that my dad is assuming things because he knows we want a large family. I have no student loans, I am an education major so I am actually leaning more toward taking time off school with a baby than finishing candidacy, getting a job and then taking maternity leave.

Emerald27 · October 2013

mrskbuck said:
No, none of his money has gone into my degree. I know he means well, but we have thought this decision out and it is not something we are going to reconsider unless something drastic changes. I would only have one year left after baby, and that is IF we concieved right away. We both want to start trying now for various reasons,but they are all well thought out.

I conceived DS during grad school with one year left. I took a LOA and have never turned back. I don't want to go back either, because DS has changed my life (in very good and fulfilling ways). The point is, if you want your degree and want the time spent in/ money spent on school not to be wasted, strongly consider finishing your last year before or while TTC. Start TTC such that baby would be due in June, a month after graduation...that's just the $0.02 from a very happy SAHM with a BA and 18 credit hours toward an MA.

hullabalou · October 2013

GhostMonkey said:

mrskbuck said:

No, none of his money has gone into my degree. I know he means well, but we have thought this decision out and it is not something we are going to reconsider unless something drastic changes. I would only have one year left after baby, and that is IF we concieved right away. We both want to start trying now for various reasons,but they are all well thought out.

If you have a baby you will not be done in a year if you have enough credits left that you need to be full time to be done in that time. Bank on it taking you 2 years to finish that year's worth of classes.

I have one semester of FT classes and I am spreading that over a year.

hullabalou · October 2013

Thanks for all of the good advice. His opinion is not affecting our TTC at all. I was just curious as to how anyone else has dealt with a similar situation. (:

divinemsbee · October 2013

No family was out-and-out told we were TTC before our first m/c, but it was understood. My mom was not thrilled about it, and I got where she was coming from, but she and I have our issues. She's mellowed a bit since the m/c, although she still does, from time to time, try to gently nudge me to put off TTC and I gently tell her to fuck off about it. A lot of her issues stem from some way back stuff with us (my weight, her wanting me to have a different life/pursue a different path that I'm not going to), so it's stuff I've been dealing with for a while.

I'm 29, H and I both hold degrees, have little debt, are building a nice nest egg, have good insurance, and are all around in a good place to start having kids. I get kind of jealous of people whose families are super excited and supportive of them having kids, but I also get that the 'when are you going to get pregnant?" questions probably get pretty old. I'd also imagine telling that many people would get very stressful.

I'm agreeing with GM that classes will probably take much longer than you think once you have a kid, I've seen people go through it, it's doable, but a lot more work than just taking classes as a childless person. Aside from your degree, it seems like you're really close with your family. I don't know how close you live to them, but could your dad be worried that you might count on family for childcare and he isn't ready/willing to do that yet? Or maybe even if he didn't pay for it, he's worried about you abandoning your degree and sliding into SAHM sideways and not be able to support yourself (this has been a big one for both my mom and dad)? Or worried that when you try to get back into the job/school market that it's going to be hard on you?

Tribany1 · October 2013

I was there once...where I was saying "okay, just wait until I graduate", then it way "okay, wait until you get a job", then "okay, wait until you get better insurance." It sucked waiting, but it was worth not having huge things to worry having to pay for our hypothetical child.

With that being said, if I were to listen to my family, we would not be ttc until we were 40+ years old. Sometimes you gotta do what you need to do. In the end, it won't affect the love for your child. They will be concerned, but more than that, they will be super excited.

Just make sure that your decision is based on logic and not emotion. Get through the fact that you really "want" a baby, and make sure you are where you want to be in your life when you have a baby. Make sure you have enough money. Make sure you will be able to do what you want to do with your child.

I'm not saying "No, your shouldn't have a kid". I'm saying that you know your situation better than anyone, and you need to logically judge whether it is time to ttc or not.

hullabalou · October 2013

@Divinemsbee I live within ten miles of most of my family. However, they know I would never depend on them for child care so that is not part of it. I think he is worried about me being a SAHM, but I am not. If that is how it works out, so be it. I would not be unhappy. If I ended up not returning, I would not feel inadequate or have regrets.

hullabalou · October 2013

@Tribany1 we own a home in a great area, and my husband has a wonderful and steady job. I work full time now, but all of my money goes to savings or splurges. We could be very comfortable on only his income. We have covered all of our bases completely andare definitely as prepared as we could be at this point. I think a large part of it is that my dad is scared of me not becoming a wildly successful professional woman, lol. But that is definitely his dream and not mine.

rjeller32 · October 2013

mrskbuck said:

@Divinemsbee I live within ten miles of most of my family. However, they know I would never depend on them for child care so that is not part of it. I think he is worried about me being a SAHM, but I am not. If that is how it works out, so be it. I would not be unhappy. If I ended up not returning, I would not feel inadequate or have regrets.

That's hard to say if you haven't been through it. I thought I would be totally fine leaving college for DH's job and being a SAHM. A year later, I am regretting the decision to move and quit college, because I would probably be a lot further towards my goal.

I also found SAHMhood to be REALLY dull, (it's for some, not for everyone), so I got back into the work field, and getting ready to start my next semester of college, which I now have to retake all of my courses except for generals because they won't transfer.

I understand the excitement, but you can't assume you'll react in a positive way when the time is actually there. I thought it'd be cakes and rainbow. It was not that at all.

hullabalou · October 2013

@Rjeller32 it is possible that I may not enjoy SAH. But I dont expect it to be cakes and rainbows, regardless.

I know it has its difficulties, but everything does. This is my plan for now and if it changes, it changes.

rjeller32 · October 2013

mrskbuck said:

@Rjeller32 it is possible that I may not enjoy SAH. But I dont expect it to be cakes and rainbows, regardless. I know it has its difficulties, but everything does. This is my plan for now and if it changes, it changes.

Yeah, my whole point is that as great as it is to be excited, and look at all of the positive, you just have to be extremely realistic. Babies are fun, and the TTC journey can be long. Take what your family is saying as their love for you, and looking out for the you in the best aspect.

Also know that because you told them, they are going to butt in. It gets irritating, but now you know next time around it's just easier to keep it to yourself to avoid all the comments people make. They mean well, but it can be completely too personal.

hullabalou · October 2013

@Rjeller32 I have learned my lesson...my family is very close, but i am definitely not letting them know next time.

I discussed it with my sisters a month before I even had my IUD removed...they asked twice that month if I was pregnant yet. It is much more personal than I thought it would be, and I do not want to discuss it at all, even though usually I discuss anything with them. It surprised me.

divinemsbee · October 2013

Speaking to the SAHM thing, there are definitely things my mom said that have been worth listening to and questions that are worth sorting out. If you'll allow me to riff for a minute, maybe think about these (H and I have had lots of talks about these):

Your H can support you guys now at your current standard of living? What if his job becomes not so wonderful to him and he'd like to find a new one/go back to school? What if he loses his job? What if he doesn't receive raises to reflect COL changes? Have you started looking at how your budget would change with one child? More than one child? What if you can't breastfeed/CD/co-sleep/whatever else you are counting on to save money? Even without daycare, there will occasionally be times that you will need childcare, what then? Do you have life insurance? How much? Can you afford it? What if your H dies (God forbid)? Do you have enough insurance to support you until you can work? Enough to pay off any debt? How will you go back to work with no degree and kids to support? What if (again, God forbid) you get divorced? What are you willing to compromise on your standard of living? What if any of the above happens after you've had to move away from family for his job? Are you comfortable with moving for his work because he's the primary breadwinner?

I'm not saying you haven't asked yourself these questions, but it's good to do. It's easy to think these things won't happen, but they happen every day. H and I have had some long night of the soul talks about how things will work and what we need to put away even more for.

hullabalou · October 2013

@Divinemsbee I loved that response.,,mainly because we have had several talks about those same topics.

We are very big planners, lol. It is important to us that we do not have more stress than we should in this process-that is why I work now and put my checks into savings. We also take "baby money" from his (including enough to cover daycare, formula, and disposables if CD/BF/SAH don't work out) and put it into savings.

likeanoldtimemovie · October 2013

Just wanted to throw this in here...

Even if your dad's not wild about the idea now, I guarantee that if you get pregnant, he will be over-the-moon about his grandchild! He's just thinking about you and finishing your degree, I promise.

I'm a SAHM and writer, but my MIL wants me to finish school. She's worried that, God forbid, if something happens to my husband, what will happen to me? I don't take it as anything other than love and her looking out for all of us. Take your dad the same way! He loves you. He wants you to be okay.

likeanoldtimemovie · October 2013

babylawyer said:

We haven't talked to anyone about TTC. Our parents would be incredibly excited though, so its a different scenario - I just don't want the pressure of being asked about it if it isn't a straight-forward process for us. I would try to keep talk about it to a minimum. At the same time, my parents' advise is something I try to take very seriously and consider properly, since they are kind, smart and experienced people who genuinely have my best interests at heart. If they told me they thought I should wait, I would at least have a good hard think about their reasoning.

THIS. I regret telling my family. Now they ask me every.damn.day. if I'm pregnant and if my mom tells me one more time, "Oh, but I got pregnant with you guys IMMEDIATELY", I might scream. They have no idea what temping or charting is and if I were to mention OPKs, the first thing they would tell me is "RELAX. Just let it happen! That's what I did!"

Oy.

joshua+rebecca11 · October 2013

Go for it! You and your husband are the only ones who know when you're ready and that is no one else's decision to make. That being said, you said you have a good relarionship with your dad, maybe you could just take some time and explain to him how you're feeling. It might help! Good luck!

hullabalou · October 2013

I think my family assumed a lot when I stopped smoking, haha. I had tried a few times before and always said I would when I started TTGP. I just thought about this, so it is totally possible my dad is just assuming based on that.

I do love college, and i love the courses I take, but I feel like being a mother is higher on my list than graduating college is. My dad does not understand this at all, haha.

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