Question about adopting out of birth order

IdigDirt · October 2013

I know they say not to adopt out of birth order for many reasons but do you think it applies to children who are really young? DS is 2.5 and our age range for fostering is 1-4. I think if we said ages 1-2.5 we would be so much more limited in getting a child. Since he is so young and the child would be at most 1.5 years older than him, do you think it would still be a problem? I am really hoping we get a child his age or a little younger but with fostering you never know. I know this is probably not even really going to be a concern because it could take us years to find our forever child and by then he will be older but I just figured I would ask now in hopes our first happens to be the perfect fit and we get to adopt.

CaptainSerious · October 2013

Spooko said:

I think in your situation, it's one of those YMMV kind of things. I would base my decision on the actual child in question and the dynamic the two potential siblings have together. I would factor it in, but definitely not have a black and white rule about it at this point.

I believe decision about adopting and fostering out of birth order should always be made on a case-specific basis, like spooko suggested. Some children will present a risk while others will not, regardless of their age, but altering birth order can increase the chance of those risks. I would like to mention though, that the risks are the same even if strictly fostering a child with no intention of adoption, so the fact that you may foster older children before you find your forever child doesn't really change things here. The issues that can come from disregarding birth order are the same for fostering as for adopting.

mtendere · October 2013

Our daughter just turned 4. We have chosen to only accept foster children younger than she is. You obviously have to make the best decision for your family and there are definitely cases where a out-of-order placement can be extremely successful. We just aren't willing to risk it for a few reasons. I don't think my daughter would do well losing her status as oldest child. I don't want to put her in unnecessary risk - as a foster parent, you rarely know every issue a child has before accepting placement. A four year old is a lot different from a two year old - they can be bigger, more aggressive, act out sexually, etc.
Those are just our thoughts and worries and fears, though. It can work if you are prepared and feel like it's right for you. You know yourselves and your family best!

IdigDirt · October 2013

I know so little about kids older than DS since he is my reference point so it's hard for me to judge what an older kid would be like. I am hoping we get fosters close to his age or a bit under. I don't think right now he would understand that he is losing his status as oldest so I am less worried about that and more about older children acting out towards him. I figured a 4 year old would be pretty similar but I guess a lot changes between 2 and 4. I am just going to hope we get called for a child slightly younger and if not we will see on a case by case basis.

mtendere · October 2013

IdigDirt said:
I know so little about kids older than DS since he is my reference point so it's hard for me to judge what an older kid would be like. I am hoping we get fosters close to his age or a bit under. I don't think right now he would understand that he is losing his status as oldest so I am less worried about that and more about older children acting out towards him. I figured a 4 year old would be pretty similar but I guess a lot changes between 2 and 4. I am just going to hope we get called for a child slightly younger and if not we will see on a case by case basis.

That sounds like a smart way to do it. There really is a big difference, but most four year olds are pretty awesome and fun - they are little kids instead of babies/toddlers. It could be a great experience, as long as you go into it with your eyes open!

IdigDirt · October 2013

I am kind of hoping 4 year olds are different since we are in the terrible twos right now and it would be nice to skip that.

mtendere · October 2013

Well, they certainly come with their own set of challenges, but I understand what you're saying!

daniandbri · October 2013

When we were fostering we set our ages to what potentially opened us up to disrupting birth order. We did this with the idea that we ultimately had the final choice. While you don't always know everything upfront, I knew we would have the option to say yes or not before placement.

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