Halloween

cole2144 · October 2013

Some of you may know that we have a very vague CO. It says holidays are to be shared but not how. We did not get our CO until Dec and we won the argument to have Halloween included. This year is our year for Halloween. BM had SD for Halloween last year and we did not get to see her at all. DH has asked BM multiple times about what schedule we are going to use this year. He gave her three options and asked if BM did not like any of those what she would suggest. BM is refusing to answer, although she has admitted that it is our year. SD has off from school on Halloween and the day after. So now what can DH do? He asked BM if she would prefer him to go through her lawyer with his suggestions and she said no but won`t answer him about it. So what do we do now? Email her lawyer anyway with DH`s suggestions and let the lawyer deal with her? DH also offered that BM and her fiance could come by before we go out to take pictures. We generally take the kids out with their cousins so we would like to be able to make plans.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Why is he asking? If its in the CO thst you get Halloween every other year and its your year, tell her that because she refuses to respond you are assuming she does not have a preference and you will pick up at 123 time on abc day and state a return time as well.

cole2144 · October 2013

He was trying to have a discussion with BM. He tried to talk to her on the phone but she hung up. DH is trying to work with her but obviously that is not working. I`ll tell him your suggestion. Thanks.

SimpleJane · October 2013

Yeah, I second J's idea. That will at least get a conversation going.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Yeah...I tried too so i understand his trying.

And now you know how she operates. You cant negotiate with crazy.

I would tighten up the CO when you can.

Put it writing. Don't call her. And reference the CO if it has helpful verbage.

cole2144 · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

Yeah...I tried too so i understand his trying. And now you know how she operates. You cant negotiate with crazy. I would tighten up the CO when you can. Put it writing. Don't call her. And reference the CO if it has helpful verbage.

Yeah we are definitely trying to go back to court to get specifics. Once we have that, we will stick to it.

twister22 · October 2013

Cole, first off your DD is SO stinkin' adorable!

Second, what are the three options did DH give BM? And you guys do the 2/2/3 schedule, right? And then I'm assuming BM has Wednesday and Thursday since Halloween is an issue? And whose weekend will it be? Just trying to get a full picture.

cole2144 · October 2013

twister22 said:

Cole, first off your DD is SO stinkin' adorable!

Second, what are the three options did DH give BM? And you guys do the 2/2/3 schedule, right? And then I'm assuming BM has Wednesday and Thursday since Halloween is an issue? And whose weekend will it be? Just trying to get a full picture.

Thank you!

Yes we have a 2/2/3. DH offered to pick SD up before BM went to work, or pick her up at 2:30 when she would normally done school and keep her over night since the next day is our day and she is off school and finally he could pick her u at either of those times and she could pick her up after trick or treating.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

Cole, first off your DD is SO stinkin' adorable!

Second, what are the three options did DH give BM? And you guys do the 2/2/3 schedule, right? And then I'm assuming BM has Wednesday and Thursday since Halloween is an issue? And whose weekend will it be? Just trying to get a full picture.

Thank you!

Yes we have a 2/2/3. DH offered to pick SD up before BM went to work, or pick her up at 2:30 when she would normally done school and keep her over night since the next day is our day and she is off school and finally he could pick her u at either of those times and she could pick her up after trick or treating.

Honestly keeping her overnight makes the most sense since it's your weekend anyway and SD is off from school. At this point, I would have DH email her that he will be keeping SD overnight since the next day is his day and SD has off school, and would she like for him to pick SD up first thing in the morning or when school would have let out? FFS why can't she be mature and respond to things?

cole2144 · October 2013

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

Cole, first off your DD is SO stinkin' adorable!

Second, what are the three options did DH give BM? And you guys do the 2/2/3 schedule, right? And then I'm assuming BM has Wednesday and Thursday since Halloween is an issue? And whose weekend will it be? Just trying to get a full picture.

Thank you!

Yes we have a 2/2/3. DH offered to pick SD up before BM went to work, or pick her up at 2:30 when she would normally done school and keep her over night since the next day is our day and she is off school and finally he could pick her u at either of those times and she could pick her up after trick or treating.

Honestly keeping her overnight makes the most sense since it's your weekend anyway and SD is off from school. At this point, I would have DH email her that he will be keeping SD overnight since the next day is his day and SD has off school, and would she like for him to pick SD up first thing in the morning or when school would have let out? FFS why can't she be mature and respond to things?

My thoughts exactly!

CFjo2010 · October 2013

Since there is no school on Halloween and BM has to work, where would SD normally go? Would she be in daycare? Does DH have a stipulation in his CO about exchange times if there isn't school? Example: my DH's CO says that exchanges on Tues, Thurs and Fri happen at school. On days when there isn't school, pick up/drop off are at 5 pm. If there is some sort of stip regarding that, I would follow that as the exchange time for Halloween.

Here's my 2 cents... If SD is going to be in some sort of daycare while BM is at work, then SD should just come to your house when BM goes to work. Otherwise I think picking her up at the time school would normally let out is completely reasonable. I also agree with SD just spending the night since Friday is DH's day. Next year this arrangement will be to her benefit, and maybe pointing that out to her will help.

I'm really sorry that BM is still being so unreasonable and difficult about everything. I hope that eventually when the sting wears off, she's able to co-parent with DH for SD's sake.

cole2144 · October 2013

jobalchak said:

Since there is no school on Halloween and BM has to work, where would SD normally go? Would she be in daycare? Does DH have a stipulation in his CO about exchange times if there isn't school? Example: my DH's CO says that exchanges on Tues, Thurs and Fri happen at school. On days when there isn't school, pick up/drop off are at 5 pm. If there is some sort of stip regarding that, I would follow that as the exchange time for Halloween.

Here's my 2 cents... If SD is going to be in some sort of daycare while BM is at work, then SD should just come to your house when BM goes to work. Otherwise I think picking her up at the time school would normally let out is completely reasonable. I also agree with SD just spending the night since Friday is DH's day. Next year this arrangement will be to her benefit, and maybe pointing that out to her will help.

I'm really sorry that BM is still being so unreasonable and difficult about everything. I hope that eventually when the sting wears off, she's able to co-parent with DH for SD's sake.

There are no pickup times in the CO which is a big problem. We do not know where SD will be. Sometimes BM sends her overnight to her parents who are about 40 minutes from her house, other times her fiance takes off. The problem is BM is very secretive about where SD is when she is not with her even though the CO says they need to let each other know where SD is if she is not with the parent or their SO. DH would prefer SD just stay Halloween night so he does not have to drive back to get SD again in the morning for the weekend but if BM wants to get her back, she can come pick her up. I wish she could just be an adult.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

jobalchak said:

Since there is no school on Halloween and BM has to work, where would SD normally go? Would she be in daycare? Does DH have a stipulation in his CO about exchange times if there isn't school? Example: my DH's CO says that exchanges on Tues, Thurs and Fri happen at school. On days when there isn't school, pick up/drop off are at 5 pm. If there is some sort of stip regarding that, I would follow that as the exchange time for Halloween.

Here's my 2 cents... If SD is going to be in some sort of daycare while BM is at work, then SD should just come to your house when BM goes to work. Otherwise I think picking her up at the time school would normally let out is completely reasonable. I also agree with SD just spending the night since Friday is DH's day. Next year this arrangement will be to her benefit, and maybe pointing that out to her will help.

I'm really sorry that BM is still being so unreasonable and difficult about everything. I hope that eventually when the sting wears off, she's able to co-parent with DH for SD's sake.

There are no pickup times in the CO which is a big problem. We do not know where SD will be. Sometimes BM sends her overnight to her parents who are about 40 minutes from her house, other times her fiance takes off. The problem is BM is very secretive about where SD is when she is not with her even though the CO says they need to let each other know where SD is if she is not with the parent or their SO. DH would prefer SD just stay Halloween night so he does not have to drive back to get SD again in the morning for the weekend but if BM wants to get her back, she can come pick her up. I wish she could just be an adult.

Really? I think that's a very bizarre and nosey thing to have in a CO. It would be absolutely ridiculous if I had to text BD anytime DS went to see my parents, or on a play date, or whatever. I can understand ROFR if it's going to be an extended period of time, but not the having to know who the child is with at all times is kind of nonsense for "normal" parents. (By normal I mean parents who don't have a past of leaving the child with sketchy people, needed supervised visitation, etc.)

cole2144 · October 2013

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

jobalchak said:

Since there is no school on Halloween and BM has to work, where would SD normally go? Would she be in daycare? Does DH have a stipulation in his CO about exchange times if there isn't school? Example: my DH's CO says that exchanges on Tues, Thurs and Fri happen at school. On days when there isn't school, pick up/drop off are at 5 pm. If there is some sort of stip regarding that, I would follow that as the exchange time for Halloween.

Here's my 2 cents... If SD is going to be in some sort of daycare while BM is at work, then SD should just come to your house when BM goes to work. Otherwise I think picking her up at the time school would normally let out is completely reasonable. I also agree with SD just spending the night since Friday is DH's day. Next year this arrangement will be to her benefit, and maybe pointing that out to her will help.

I'm really sorry that BM is still being so unreasonable and difficult about everything. I hope that eventually when the sting wears off, she's able to co-parent with DH for SD's sake.

There are no pickup times in the CO which is a big problem. We do not know where SD will be. Sometimes BM sends her overnight to her parents who are about 40 minutes from her house, other times her fiance takes off. The problem is BM is very secretive about where SD is when she is not with her even though the CO says they need to let each other know where SD is if she is not with the parent or their SO. DH would prefer SD just stay Halloween night so he does not have to drive back to get SD again in the morning for the weekend but if BM wants to get her back, she can come pick her up. I wish she could just be an adult.

Really? I think that's a very bizarre and nosey thing to have in a CO. It would be absolutely ridiculous if I had to text BD anytime DS went to see my parents, or on a play date, or whatever. I can understand ROFR if it's going to be an extended period of time, but not the having to know who the child is with at all times is kind of nonsense for "normal" parents. (By normal I mean parents who don't have a past of leaving the child with sketchy people, needed supervised visitation, etc.)

I think it`s crazy, so does DH which is why he does not push it when he knows SD has been somewhere without BM. He does however give BM a heads up even if SD is just with his parents.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

jobalchak said:

Since there is no school on Halloween and BM has to work, where would SD normally go? Would she be in daycare? Does DH have a stipulation in his CO about exchange times if there isn't school? Example: my DH's CO says that exchanges on Tues, Thurs and Fri happen at school. On days when there isn't school, pick up/drop off are at 5 pm. If there is some sort of stip regarding that, I would follow that as the exchange time for Halloween.

Here's my 2 cents... If SD is going to be in some sort of daycare while BM is at work, then SD should just come to your house when BM goes to work. Otherwise I think picking her up at the time school would normally let out is completely reasonable. I also agree with SD just spending the night since Friday is DH's day. Next year this arrangement will be to her benefit, and maybe pointing that out to her will help.

I'm really sorry that BM is still being so unreasonable and difficult about everything. I hope that eventually when the sting wears off, she's able to co-parent with DH for SD's sake.

There are no pickup times in the CO which is a big problem. We do not know where SD will be. Sometimes BM sends her overnight to her parents who are about 40 minutes from her house, other times her fiance takes off. The problem is BM is very secretive about where SD is when she is not with her even though the CO says they need to let each other know where SD is if she is not with the parent or their SO. DH would prefer SD just stay Halloween night so he does not have to drive back to get SD again in the morning for the weekend but if BM wants to get her back, she can come pick her up. I wish she could just be an adult.

Really? I think that's a very bizarre and nosey thing to have in a CO. It would be absolutely ridiculous if I had to text BD anytime DS went to see my parents, or on a play date, or whatever. I can understand ROFR if it's going to be an extended period of time, but not the having to know who the child is with at all times is kind of nonsense for "normal" parents. (By normal I mean parents who don't have a past of leaving the child with sketchy people, needed supervised visitation, etc.)

I think it`s crazy, so does DH which is why he does not push it when he knows SD has been somewhere without BM. He does however give BM a heads up even if SD is just with his parents.

Whew. I'm glad that you guys think it's crazy. So was it BM who wanted that put in the CO? If so, I would document whenever you have evidence that SD was elsewhere. If it happens enough times I would file for contempt of court, and then ask for that to be taken out of the CO.

cole2144 · October 2013

@twister-Yes, it was BM and maybe we can get that taken out when we go to get the court oder more detailed. I am not a fan of ROFR either. If DH was going to be out of town or away from home for a significant amount of time, he will and has given BM the option to keep SD, we dont need it in the CO.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

@twister-Yes, it was BM and maybe we can get that taken out when we go to get the court oder more detailed. I am not a fan of ROFR either. If DH was going to be out of town or away from home for a significant amount of time, he will and has given BM the option to keep SD, we dont need it in the CO.

But does BM give that same courtesy? I would put it in more for your guys' sake than for BM's. You could do it if it's going to be more than 24hrs or whatever you guys think is reasonable.

cole2144 · October 2013

Twister while you are right, BM does not show us that courtesy, how would we prove it?

twister22 · October 2013

Well how does DH know? Does he see something on FB? Does the person who has SD tell him? Does he catch BM in a lie?

cole2144 · October 2013

DH knows because SD tells him she stayed over at this person or that person's house. Once she wanted DH to pick up clothes at her house because SD was going to her parents house and "may or may not sleep over." That really pissed me off since DH had asked for a couple of those hours already and BM said no knowing she would not be with SD anyway.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

DH knows because SD tells him she stayed over at this person or that person's house. Once she wanted DH to pick up clothes at her house because SD was going to her parents house and "may or may not sleep over." That really pissed me off since DH had asked for a couple of those hours already and BM said no knowing she would not be with SD anyway.

I would just document every time SD tells you this. Ask your lawyer if documenting that SD tells you so is enough. I think the clause is ridiculous and likely to get thrown out if you file contempt after enough times and then just say "This is ridiculous. We always tell BM and she has never told us. We would like it thrown out."

+just+j+ · October 2013

I put in our CO that I get to approve XH's sitters. It would be tough to engorce but i was trying to cover my bases because he flat out makes poor choices in people.

twister22 · October 2013

@+just+j+ the same thing is in my CO, for the same reason. However, that would be a silly clause for Cole's CO since her DH has good judgment, and I'm guessing the only people who really even watch SD are maybe Cole's parents or her DH's parents.

cole2144 · October 2013

twister22 said:

@+just+j+ the same thing is in my CO, for the same reason. However, that would be a silly clause for Cole's CO since her DH has good judgment, and I'm guessing the only people who really even watch SD are maybe Cole's parents or her DH's parents.

You are right and maybe every once in a blue moon, DH`s 30 year old sister who has 6 children of her own so she knows what she is doing.

twister22 · October 2013

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

@+just+j+ the same thing is in my CO, for the same reason. However, that would be a silly clause for Cole's CO since her DH has good judgment, and I'm guessing the only people who really even watch SD are maybe Cole's parents or her DH's parents.

You are right and maybe every once in a blue moon, DH`s 30 year old sister who has 6 children of her own so she knows what she is doing.

Plusalso, it's DH kid, he has good judgement, he has joint legal, and he has 50% custody. He should be able to have whoever he wants watch his kid without having to give BM a heads up. She is really controlling, and it's crazy that she's hanging on to all these little things. I'm glad DH takes the high road, SD will notice this as she gets older.

cole2144 · October 2013

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

@+just+j+ the same thing is in my CO, for the same reason. However, that would be a silly clause for Cole's CO since her DH has good judgment, and I'm guessing the only people who really even watch SD are maybe Cole's parents or her DH's parents.

You are right and maybe every once in a blue moon, DH`s 30 year old sister who has 6 children of her own so she knows what she is doing.

Plusalso, it's DH kid, he has good judgement, he has joint legal, and he has 50% custody. He should be able to have whoever he wants watch his kid without having to give BM a heads up. She is really controlling, and it's crazy that she's hanging on to all these little things. I'm glad DH takes the high road, SD will notice this as she gets older.

I hope SD notices because BM is always trying to fill her head with nonsense. DH treats BM the same way he wants to be treated but she does not make it easy.

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