Let's talk godparents.

JBDamonM · October 2013

UGH.

Curious to hear others feedback on how they selected them.

DH and I have been putting off LO's baptism for several reasons, and one of them (although neither of us would admit this out loud) is because we're at a deadlock on godparent selection.

Backstory - he has three sisters and a brother, I have two sisters. Plenty of siblings to go around

His arguments: He wants godparents to be a married couple and he wants his sister and brother in law. He has pointed out how his sister has never been asked with the plethora of kids in his family.

My arguments: I have no one that I am close enough to that I would want to be LOs godfather. I propose one of my sisters for godmother and he can pick the godfather (makes no difference to me who he picks either). Additionally, assuming there is a LO number 2 in the future, I would consider letting him have his sister rather than asking my second sister.

Other points to consider: While his sister (who he wants to ask) has been very helpful since LO arrived, she didn't speak to us for almost all of 2012 for various CADDY reasons. This meant when we announced our pregnancy, she wouldn't participate whenever we invited family over etc. I am pretty sure the word Congratulations never came out of her mouth. Even though she's been very helpful, it most definitely goes two ways and we have a very good system in place of swapping child care. It's not one sided. Additionally isn't that what family is for?

My sister hasnt done as much but I think it would mean the world to her. She is far from perfect, but truthfully; I go to church, DH only does when I drag him. I even pray the rosary when things are really bad. I have a hard time not putting the person I feel is the best fit into this spot, even though I don't think godparents do that much.

However, I do feel as though DH sacrifices a lot more than I do when dealing with our families.

So, I'd love to hear some thoughts. How did you guys pick your godparents? Also, now that I have laid out all of the facts any thoughts on how you would handle it?

I hate godparent selection. On one hand I think it's overated, on the other hand I've been repeatedly offended when DH hasn't been asked for his nieces and nephews and feel bad making someone else feel that way.

THoughts?

Cwhitaker27 · October 2013

I'm assuming you are catholic. With that being said, are all your potential godparents confirmed? I've heard different things from people elsewhere but in our parish the godparents had to be confirmed which narrowed the playing field. Especially considering neither DH or I were confirmed. We chose DH's younger brother and DH's close cousin for our son's godparents. We all went through confirmation class together.
Fortunately or unfortunately none of my family is catholic so they weren't even an option.

The things we really asked ourselves was how important is their faith to them ( the godparents in question).
If something were to happen to you or your husband would you be comfortable with said godparents being able to teach/lead your child's faith?
I know so much of picking godparents is "political" but try to think of who would look out for the spiritual well being of your child the best.

Sorry, i'm pretty sure I didn't answer your question but I hope this helps!

ccam · October 2013

Why does he want them to be married?

It's always been tradition in my family, that each person chooses one godparent (well, really you choose together but one person is family member or friend of the mother and the other of the father). So for DS, since DH only has one sibling, we asked his sister to be the godmother and asked my only brother to be the godfather (I also have 2 sisters). It kind of worked out well, it will be more difficult if we have #2. Each godparent had to provide a letter from their church saying that they are members, which we knew they both could do.

JBDamonM · October 2013

Yes, everyone is catholic, so no issues or rule outs there.

@ccam - that's exactly my thought. It's much more fair in my eyes to have one person pick each. if that means the godmothers would be both of my sisters than so be it. Not my fault I have no brothers

imoverit · October 2013

Im with the married thing only because after im gone i dont want the godparents fighting over LO. Not to say a married couple wont get divorced or anything. We chose my SIL and BIL. My SIL is an awesome mom and I know my lo will be well taken care of. I dont care so much for my BILs parenting style but my SIL out weighs that

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick · October 2013

DS only has a Godmother. I just choose a friend of mine. It wasn't really a concern to DH because he knows that if something ever happens to us, we have acutal guardians named in our wills.

Cwhitaker27 · October 2013

Mr. & Mrs. Woodtick said:
DS only has a Godmother. I just choose a friend of mine. It wasn't really a concern to DH because he knows that if something ever happens to us, we have acutal guardians named in our wills.

This exactly! It depends on what the purpose of a godparent is to you.

JBDamonM · October 2013

Cwhitaker27 said:

DS only has a Godmother. I just choose a friend of mine. It wasn't really a concern to DH because he knows that if something ever happens to us, we have acutal guardians named in our wills.
This exactly! It depends on what the purpose of a godparent is to you.

This will be our situation too. If I wasn't catholic LO would not even have godparents, if that makes sense.

pantsarella · October 2013

Cwhitaker27 said:

DS only has a Godmother. I just choose a friend of mine. It wasn't really a concern to DH because he knows that if something ever happens to us, we have acutal guardians named in our wills.
This exactly! It depends on what the purpose of a godparent is to you.

Yep, sit down and talk about what role specifically you want your child's godparents to have. Then talk about who would step up to do those things. We don't have godparents (we're not religious), but we have guardians and that's how we decided them.

JBDamonM · October 2013

@pantsarella - I just got your siggy and I love it. HAHAHAH

itsmevkb · October 2013

I'm Catholic, my husband is not and not even really religious but we are raising our children in the Catholic faith. So, imagine my surprise when I found out he asked one of his friends to be our first's godfather without even consulting with me first! What? You're not even aware of what the scarament of baptism is all about and you went ahead and picked the godfather?????? But, in the grand scheme of things, this was something small (it's going to be me raising my children as Catholics, not really their godparents.) I let him have it and figured if this was a way to help him feel more involved then good.

In your situation, I would let your husband pick who he wants and call dibs on picking the next set should you have another child. I know, easier said than done.

JBDamonM · October 2013

itsmevkb said:

I'm Catholic, my husband is not and not even really religious but we are raising our children in the Catholic faith. So, imagine my surprise when I found out he asked one of his friends to be our first's godfather without even consulting with me first! What? You're not even aware of what the scarament of baptism is all about and you went ahead and picked the godfather?????? But, in the grand scheme of things, this was something small (it's going to be me raising my children as Catholics, not really their godparents.) I let him have it and figured if this was a way to help him feel more involved then good.

In your situation, I would let your husband pick who he wants and call dibs on picking the next set should you have another child. I know, easier said than done.

Yeah, I just don't think I can do that. NOt when his sister didn't even congratulate us when we were pregnant, there are some remaining hard feeling there. And not when my husband really isn't religious.

I really think the fair way to do it is for each of us to pick one. I think I just need to convince him of that.

And I apologize, I asked for advice but then sort of shot you down.. Nothing personal, guess the answer has just become more clear for me after reading these responses.

Dragonfly1226 · October 2013

Actually, you only really need one godparent. DS has a godmother and no godfather. We felt strongly that we wanted our friend C to be DS's godmother. She wasn't married so we just asked her. There wasn't anyone we felt like we wanted to ask to be godfather so we didn't. She is an excellent godmother to DS and a great friend to us.

We have one set of godparents for K&A. They are also close friends.

I have one brother who is atheist. DH has three brothers but none go to a Roman Catholic church regularly (we do) and they live far away from us so we don't get to see them often.

If it was me, I would definitely choose godparents who are actually practicing Catholics if possible. I wouldn't choose a couple who wasn't very religious just because they were married. I also would have huge reservations about asking a SIL who stopped talking to you over childish junk. If that was to happen again, it would be DS who was hurt by it the most. Also, the fact that she wasn't around to celebrate your pregnancy or even congratulate you says a lot about her character. She doesn't sound like a good candidate for a godparent IMHO.

LKHoffa · October 2013

I sympathize with you! I know how this can be tough! On one hand, it seems like something you should just cave on, but on the other hand, it's clearly something very important to you.

I don't really have great advice, but if it's something you feel really strongly about, tell your husband that and promise him an IOU for something in the future. (Be prepared though!) If it still seems important to him, maybe just flip a coin?

Just remember, none of this is legal! I agree with picking someone that would help your child grow in faith. There will come a time when you will want to pick a legal guardian for your kids, and that may be a different conversation.

Good luck!

phishgirl29 · October 2013

We had this argument for a long time but we also decided to change our form of Catholicism while we were pregnant from Roman Catholic to Methodist. We ended up having both my sister and DH's sister as his godmothers (no godfather). His legal guardians are a married couple that are our close friends. DH just couldn't get past the fact that his sister (who NEVER goes to church) wouldn't be a good godparent due to his interpretation of the role. He was more concerned about hurting he feelings.

Mrs.AmyDylan · October 2013

Initially for us this started out as a much more serious discussion as DH seemed to think godparent and guardian were the same thing. After determining that we actually need three people, or groups of people (guardian, godparent, financial guardian), it got a bit easier.

After determining guardianship (my brother), then financial guardianship (DHs cousin), we sought council from my pastor who DH likes and respects (though DH is not religious). He elected my godparents' son and his wife (my moms cousin, whom DH and I are close to). My pastor suggested that godparents be mature in their faith, willing to pray daily for your child. And in the event of your death, take an active role in their spiritual education. The godparents need not be a couple, but should be interested in a mentor ship type of relationship with your child. That way they can have an open godly channel for love and council.

Good luck! Our choice surprised a lot of people, but we felt it was a good decision, rather than a popularity contest.

JBDamonM · October 2013

Ducky719 said:

DH and I are both Catholic...and while I do understand the Catholic churches stance on godparents, DH and I decided to have different guardians for LO than who her godparents are. Why? Not bc we don't trust who we chose, but bc they aren't married. I like to think of it more like the separation of church and state if that makes sense. May not be the right answer to a lot of folks, but it's what works the best for us. GL on what you choose!

I actually whole heartedly agree with this. I don't want to get flamed for saying it but I don't agree with the Catholic stance on godparents. Like many things about the Catholic church I think it's behind the times.

DH and I have never talked about using the same godparents as guardians, so that's not the reason he wants LO's godparents to be married. Just a quirky thing that he wants.

JBDamonM · October 2013

@Mrs.AmyDylan - that's excellent feedback from your pastor.

Unfortuantely in my case it's not too helpful as no one in the running matches that description.

I still love that advice though - that (in my opinion) is the true understanding of what a godparent should encompass.

mcgeeva · October 2013

I hateeeeeee the whole godparent thing. We baptised ds at 6 months because we had a hard time picking. Two we are catholic and you have to have at least one of the godparents be catholic which we don't know many. So we ended up going with a girlfriend of mine who has been super involved and my husband's friend. With that being said I don't know what we will do with the next. I don't want to use my brother because he isn't involved at all. Two the question is are these people really going to be around to direct my son etc?? Most likely no. I could say friends come and go but family can be just as bad. So I'm sorry I actually have zero answer here. There are so few people I trust, that are catholic and who have really cared about DS. Tough tough situation picking

mcgeeva · October 2013

Ducky719 said:

DH and I are both Catholic...and while I do understand the Catholic churches stance on godparents, DH and I decided to have different guardians for LO than who her godparents are. Why? Not bc we don't trust who we chose, but bc they aren't married. I like to think of it more like the separation of church and state if that makes sense. May not be the right answer to a lot of folks, but it's what works the best for us. GL on what you choose!

I agree with this completly. But sad part is I don't think I would pick anyone besides my parents for my son. I don't know anyone else who would be willing and or want to take DS who I would trust to take care of him and love him. That sounds so terrible

JBDamonM · October 2013

mcgeeva said:

I hateeeeeee the whole godparent thing. We baptised ds at 6 months because we had a hard time picking. Two we are catholic and you have to have at least one of the godparents be catholic which we don't know many. So we ended up going with a girlfriend of mine who has been super involved and my husband's friend. With that being said I don't know what we will do with the next. I don't want to use my brother because he isn't involved at all. Two the question is are these people really going to be around to direct my son etc?? Most likely no. I could say friends come and go but family can be just as bad. So I'm sorry I actually have zero answer here. There are so few people I trust, that are catholic and who have really cared about DS. Tough tough situation picking

Right?? I feel like I'm ONLY doing this to appease the Catholic Church.

I feel like it's time to think about switching to religions. THis reaction to the Catholic Church is sadly nothing new for me, but I digress!

mcgeeva · October 2013

Trust me I get it. We switched churches when we got married 5 years ago because I always dreamed of being married on a beach and was told how ignorant I was and they refused to marry us. Mind you we went with my cousin as a wintess to get married in a catholic church before we did the marriage on the beach with family and friends. For someone who grew up doing sunday breakfast at church every sunday I was completely disgusted. I really can't stand the catholic church anymore but yet I still want my babies baptised. I just wish they were more flexable and it didn't have to be another catholic. But I do know there are flexabile catholic churches out there I just haven't found it.

JBDamonM · October 2013

mcgeeva said:

Trust me I get it. We switched churches when we got married 5 years ago because I always dreamed of being married on a beach and was told how ignorant I was and they refused to marry us. Mind you we went with my cousin as a wintess to get married in a catholic church before we did the marriage on the beach with family and friends. For someone who grew up doing sunday breakfast at church every sunday I was completely disgusted. I really can't stand the catholic church anymore but yet I still want my babies baptised. I just wish they were more flexable and it didn't have to be another catholic. But I do know there are flexabile catholic churches out there I just haven't found it.

Yup, I went through something very similiar when I mistakingly asked the church if the priest could come to a venue to marry us!

Totally with you on this one!

itsmevkb · October 2013

The Catholic Church I attend doesn't ever speak of having godparents become your child's guardians, it is about helping to raise your child in the Catholic faith. From that perspective it makes some sense to have at least one godparent be an actual Catholic. But, I get where it can be hard to find a Catholic you are close enough with. For me the sister I'm closest to isn't a confirmed, practicing Catholic and my other sister who is I barely see but she's the godmother to two of my children. I guess I fall back on that I know I will be the one mainly instilling my faith in my children. Growing up my godparents lives in a different state so they never played a big role in my life.

I get the frustration with the Catholic Church but I guess through the years I've made my peace with it. I've come to actually admire their adherence to tradition and beliefs and the way they don't just change their teachings to "fit with the times." That's not to say that I follow every rule, I did IVF afterall, but I find ways to make those things work with my personal faith. I think it's always good to look into other faiths to see if something is a better fit, but for me, I've always returned home to Catholicism. There's just something comforting to me in mass, the eucharist, Mary and all the other traditions that I miss when I attend other churches. But, seek and you shall find ladies. Not to sound preachy, but so many kids today are growing up with no faith whatsoever so finding a faith you can believe in I think it important and gives your kids a great foundation.

JJ_13 · October 2013

JBDamonM said:

Ducky719 said:

DH and I are both Catholic...and while I do understand the Catholic churches stance on godparents, DH and I decided to have different guardians for LO than who her godparents are. Why? Not bc we don't trust who we chose, but bc they aren't married. I like to think of it more like the separation of church and state if that makes sense. May not be the right answer to a lot of folks, but it's what works the best for us. GL on what you choose!

I actually whole heartedly agree with this. I don't want to get flamed for saying it but I don't agree with the Catholic stance on godparents. Like many things about the Catholic church I think it's behind the times.

DH and I have never talked about using the same godparents as guardians, so that's not the reason he wants LO's godparents to be married. Just a quirky thing that he wants.

Given your views (which I agree with), I would vote that you either each pick one, or that you choose other people together. THe comments about your DH's sister, etc are reason enough not to choose her. Honestly, we stayed away from family for godparents and went with some Catholic friends. For us - I realize this is kind of backa$$wards - it was more important to have friends whose approach to Catholicism is similar to ours - skepitcal of the church these days, consider leaving from time to time, but still value the theological underpinnings and my identity as a Catholic. If we ever decide to leave the Catholic church, I wouldn't want my child's godparents to be my (very devout) brother and his wife...

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