Hearing about friends' BFPs.... vent

rlyttle · October 2013

You ladies know that I've had 2 early MCs this year and now we are TTA. Well it seems like everyone is getting pregnant around me now. My really close girl friend is pregnant with her 3rd. She will have 3 under 4. I do NOT want to be in her situation, but it still stings to hear all the pregnancy stuff. Then the other night DH told me that his best friend's wife is expecting their first. I want to be happy for everyone, but it just gives me that weird feeling inside that I hate. I'm not even 100% sure I want another baby, but it just seems unfair with all the pregnancies around me. Anyone feel the same way? Does it ever go away?

BeanQueen83 · October 2013

I feel a little bitter toward my friend that's having a baby. She got pregnant on her first try and I ended up with a miscarriage. I'm still excited for her but there is a note of something else I guess. I don't have any children and am really excited to have one. We haven't been trying long but having a miscarriage on the first go really threw me. I think, for me at least, I'm more upset about the feeling that my body is inadequate while everyone else's seem to be working perfectly fine. No word on if it goes away yet since it's all still pretty fresh. But whenever I find myself feeling bitter I try to remember that a lot of people have miscarriages and don't talk about. So maybe one of the pregnant ladies I would feel bitter towards had been trying for years and finally had success. I can't help but feel happy for her. I hope that makes sense?

Honey127 · October 2013

I'm right there with you today.... I only have one best girlfriend and she just told me last night she is KTFU. I was super happy and excited for her but the minute she walked out the door I cried all night. Even today I am sick to my stomach. I don't have any advice for if it gets easier because I have never dealt with it before, but I hope it does because I really need this feeling to stop.... Sorry if this isn't very helpful, but at least you know your not alone.

mak7788 · October 2013

I just want to say I'm very sorry for your losses earlier this year.

I think, especially since you've had two m/c earlier this year, your feelings are very normal.

lisamarie84 · October 2013

BeanQueen83 said:

We haven't been trying long but having a miscarriage on the first go really threw me. I think, for me at least, I'm more upset about the feeling that my body is inadequate while everyone else's seem to be working perfectly fine.

This is exactly how I feel.

The only friend I know that's currently pregnant has fertility issues and it took her 2 years to conceive. So I can't be bitter, I'm actually really happy for her.

rlyttle · October 2013

BeanQueen83 said:
I'm more upset about the feeling that my body is inadequate while everyone else's seem to be working perfectly fine.

This is exactly it. Like I said, I don't even know 100% if we will actually TTC again. BUT, its the control side of it all and feeling that the choice may be taken away from me. I'm so thankful I have DS and I know I'm blessed with a world of love. I never want to think he isn't enough. I just hate that feeling I get when I see pregnant women and hear about all the pregnancy stuff. Somedays I'm totally fine, but others it just hits me & I want to just throw the "life's not fair" fit. I wanted to punch a lady at work the other day that complains about her pregnancy DAILY. Her feet hurt, she's tired, her pants are too tight. PUNCH!!! haha I can't stand when people take their pregnancies for granted!!

lebradford · October 2013

One of the best things that I've heard people say about this on here is to remember that there aren't a fixed amount of babies in the world, so a friend's pregnancy has no effect on your own ability to get pregnant. I know this doesn't fix everything, but I think it's a good reminder.

rlyttle · October 2013

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my friends. I talk the pregnancy talk & share how things were for me. I ask them how they are feeling and all that good stuff. They know about my MCs and ask me how I'm feeling also. I'm happy for them, but I just can't shake that stabbing feeling in my stomach when I hear about a new pregnancy and see pregnant ladies. I try to think about the sleepless nights, the finances, all the crying, all the time I would lose with DS & DH with a new baby. I keep thinking about all the great things we can do and have as a small family of 3 if we never have another. I'm already so blessed and I know that. I'm happy for them, I really am. It's just a fight inside of me that I currently don't know how to win.

maybebride · October 2013

I am so sorry for your losses. I have not been through that, so I can only imagine how harder a loss makes hearing about others. But, I did try for 2.5 years before we got pregnant with DS and the best I could do was try to separate them from me. I allowed myself moments of anger and sadness then tried to remember I loved that family or friend who was having a baby and thought about how happy they were. I also tried to remember how thrilled they would be for me when/if I ever had my own.

There is no easy answer, you just have to choose to not allow it to bring you down.

rlyttle · October 2013

MeatandBandP said:

rlyttle said:

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy for my friends. I talk the pregnancy talk & share how things were for me. I ask them how they are feeling and all that good stuff. They know about my MCs and ask me how I'm feeling also. I'm happy for them, but I just can't shake that stabbing feeling in my stomach when I hear about a new pregnancy and see pregnant ladies. I try to think about the sleepless nights, the finances, all the crying, all the time I would lose with DS & DH with a new baby. I keep thinking about all the great things we can do and have as a small family of 3 if we never have another. I'm already so blessed and I know that. I'm happy for them, I really am. It's just a fight inside of me that I currently don't know how to win.

I'm sorry, I really don't think there is a right answer. I am happy for my friends too, but also get a stabbing feeling thinking about when it will be my turn. For me, I don't think that feeling will go away until I have a baby in my arms. If you feel the way you do, maybe you and your H should reconsider trying for a second?

We may TTC again at some point, but now is not the right time. I don't want to TTC just to cure that feeling. I want to know I'm 100% ready for another baby, not just have one because I'm sad. You know what I mean? I need to give myself time and not just jump into TTC. I don't know how a 3rd MC would be. I've had enough for now! Maybe someday I'll be ready again.

Bredins wife · October 2013

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and so sorry for your losses.

I am struggling with this as well. The same day my OB refereed us to an RE, my sister sent me a text picture of a positive test. She knew we were trying, and struggling, so it really really stung. They got pregnant very quickly. It was/is heartbreaking that we were heading down "Infertility Way" while she was turning down "let's plan everything for the next 9 months right now and talk about baby names, and pick out nursery furniture, and Oh! What kind of stroller do I need?!"

I cried multiple times the first week, and had a really hard time at her birthday party where she announced to close friends and family.

I can say that it has gotten better, and I have moved on to being happy for her, and excited about being a Aunt. It's been about a month since she told me. I really hope you start to feel better about this with some time.

I ended up having to tell my sister to pump the breaks on the baby talk for a while, and although she really didn't understand, she did respect it. Don't be afraid to tell your friend if you're feeling particularly sad and don't want to talk about baby right now.

nyg2042 · October 2013

It's been 6 months since my loss, and I still get that stabbing feeling. No advice really - I try to keep in mind everything the PP's have said...but it never completely goes away for me. Sorry that you are going through this...it sucks that anybody has to feel this way.

Luckbeababy · October 2013

BeanQueen83 said:
I'm more upset about the feeling that my body is inadequate while everyone else's seem to be working perfectly fine.

This is exactly it. Like I said, I don't even know 100% if we will actually TTC again. BUT, its the control side of it all and feeling that the choice may be taken away from me. I'm so thankful I have DS and I know I'm blessed with a world of love. I never want to think he isn't enough. I just hate that feeling I get when I see pregnant women and hear about all the pregnancy stuff. Somedays I'm totally fine, but others it just hits me & I want to just throw the "life's not fair" fit. I wanted to punch a lady at work the other day that complains about her pregnancy DAILY. Her feet hurt, she's tired, her pants are too tight. PUNCH!!! haha I can't stand when people take their pregnancies for granted!!

I am sorry you are having a hard day, but why is it if someone complains about being pregnant they are automatically taking their pregnancy for granted? I hated everything about being pregnant and did my fair share of complaining, but I certainly knew how lucky I was to be able to get pregnant and have kids and did not take it for granted. The assumption that those who have to wait longer to conceive are more grateful to be pregnant rubs me the wrong way. If someone is actively trying then it is safe to assume they want a baby, so whether it takes 1 month or 12 I am sure most don't take it for granted. Did you never complain about anything while pregnant?

MissMandyD · October 2013

I left a baby shower and my own birthday party and cried all the way home because my SIL is due in 3 weeks and it is all anyone can talk about. I am so sorry for your loses and I know exactly how you feel. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel however you need to feel.

bwo · October 2013

I know what you mean. We are friends with a couple who are a few years younger than us and in our same situation (husband ex-Navy, finishing up school). When we met them the girl (who has become a very good friend of mine) didn't even know if she ever wanted kids. Two months later, they had decided to go off BC, and bam. They just had their baby a couple weeks ago. Although I am soooo happy for them and am helping out as much as I can, it sucks to be in a situation where you were the one who always said you wanted kids, but decided to wait until you could give the child a better circumstance, husband who could participate more, etc. I feel guilty every single time this crosses my mind, but it's reality. I'm sure this feeling will go away eventually...

amberhoothoot · October 2013

The second you want a baby... all you see are pregnant ladies everywhere. I swear it.

I am so sorry for your loss. So many ladies here know how you feel and empathize. I wonder why my body might be broken when it worked just fine the first time. But I try to remind myself it's early, and miscarriages, unfortunately, are very common. It's harder than I ever thought. It's not just a pee stick with a positive, but this whole life you imagine, and then it's gone.

My best friend is pregnant and I love her so much. She tried for 5 years before invitro finally gave her a baby #1. This second pregnancy was a first cycle BFP and I am so happy that it happened for her without the medical intervention it took the first time. But as her pregnancy wears on and she learned it was a girl, and she has picked a name, and there are sonograms, and I'm picturing her 2 girls growing up together, I get so happy for her, and then get sad for myself... It's getting harder for me to keep my smile on. She understands this because she wore that same smile for the 5 years she struggled.

You never really know how someone got to that BFP. But we all keep smiling at each other when we can.

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