Need advice re: the IL's (again) - LONG

MickeyM04 · October 2013

OK so you may recall I posted about how my IL's suck balls. No involvement with DS whatsoever. They don't even FaceTime even though we all have iPhones. Well this weekend, FIL decided "he had enough." He had the nerve to confront DH and tell him off for "not letting him and MIL be part of DS's life."

So, they live about 4 hours away via car. They think we need to come visit more, because they don't want to travel when DH's grandma is in a nursing home. I thought that was why you put someone in a nursing home, so they would have 24/7 care, but I guess that's just me. Also, they don't think they should have to call us or FaceTime us (which they NEVER do - DH always has to initiate 100% of the time). They think DH and I need to take time out of our 55 hour work weeks (including the commute in there) and call them so they can talk to DS. Why don't they just pick up the phone, you ask? Because they "don't know DS's schedule." Then DH got a similar lecture from his witch of a sister, who says FaceTime is a waste of time because DS can't talk, and she's broke (because she's too busy buying Prada) so we should all fly out to NYC a couple times a year so she can have a chance to be the cool aunt, and oh, by the way, we can't stay with her because she lives in a studio, but there are "probably" some hotels nearby that are "only" $200ish per night.

Here are my thoughts:

1. You would F'ing know DS's schedule if you had ANY involvement in his life. He's a toddler. He naps once a day from about 1-4. What else is there to know? He doesn't have soccer practice at 5:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

2. If you don't know when to call, HOW ABOUT YOU ASK WHEN IS A GOOD TIME TO CALL AND WE WILL TELL YOU.

3. OR HOW ABOUT YOU JUST FREAKING PICK UP THE PHONE?! If he's napping, we'll tell you and we'll call you back. If we are out, we won't answer and we'll see the missed call and call you back. Why do you need the reassurance that it's a good time before you call? Just call! People call at bad times all the time. That's when you say, "Hey it's not a great time, can I call you back in 20 minutes." It's not like these calls cost anything, it's freaking cell phones.

4. If you want to see DS and you are irresponsible with your money, how come we have to spend $700+ on airfare, and who the heck knows how much on a hotel room/food/rental car for the weekend, just because it is your opinion that FaceTime is a waste of time. And I've got news for you, he's not going to do anything different in person than what he would do on FaceTime. It's not like you get the boring FaceTime version where he doesn't really talk yet versus the cool in person version where he does a stand up act. If it's a waste of your time to pick up the phone and talk to him, it's certainly a waste of my time, and my $3K, to come visit you for the weekend.

The worst part of all of this is DH totally bought it all, hook, line, and sinker. Even though for 18 months he's complained about his family's complete lack of involvement/interest (even when he talks to his parents over the phone, they just ask maybe one quick question about how DS is doing, and then ask the next question, like "How's work?"), after his dad basically told him it's DH's fault that they have no involvement in our son's life, he totally bent over and apologized and accepted all the blame and said he'll make sure to call at least once a week, and we'll come visit at least every few months and blah blah blah.

So the question is...what do I do? I always have made my horrendous IL's DH's problem. They're your family, you deal with it. But I feel like when now it's starting to border on we're going to have to go visit this often, and we have to take time out of our busy schedules to call them, and we need to do this, and we need to do that, now it affects me too. I tried talking to DH about it and he keeps saying, "They're my family. I can't just write them off." I'm not asking him to write them off though. I'm asking him to tell them that it's THEIR responsibility to foster a relationship with DS, not DH's. Why the heck should we have to schlep a toddler on a 4 hour car ride every couple of months when they do NOTHING all weekend and can easily come here and it's not as traumatic for them to be somewhere else overnight as for DS? You know what I mean?

I obviously can't make DH tell his parents to buzz off, or to change their behavior or whatever. That's just not how he is with his parents. But what do I do to protect my own sanity and DS's well-being?

Thanks for reading...I can't figure out PIP's but if I could, there would be a great big chocolate something inserted right here for you.

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Amen sister. I think that is the ongoing, underlying theme. I told him yesterday that I'm really irritated that he is agreeing to rearrange our lives to accommodate his idiot parents, and that we are NOT going to be visiting every few months, and that we will call IF and when we have time, etc. And he said, "I feel like either way, I lose. If I live up to what my parents want, you are going to be pissed off. And if I live up to what you want, then my parents are going to be pissed off." And I had a huge face palm moment where I was like, and that's a CHOICE to you? Whether to piss off them or me? I'm sorry but your WIFE and your SON always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, trump your parents.

I am sorry but I don't think it's a choice. And yes, I sympathize with the fact that there is no situation where everyone is happy, but such is life. Not everyone is always going to be happy.

orangegoggles · October 2013

I agree with RachaelA in that you should go to counseling as this seems like an ongoing issue for you guys and it doesn't seem like either of you is able to reach the other. It is frustrating that your DH can't understand your POV.

However, to play devils advocate, your in laws might be able to tell that you don't like them or feel uncomfortable around you. Which is why they don't reach out to you and wait for you to do the reaching out. My SIL wasn't too fond of my family and wasn't warm or fuzzy, in fact she could be downright rude. Sadly, this led us to walk on eggshells around her and we didn't reach out to see the kids as often as we wanted to unless we knew it was ok with her. I am not saying you are my SIL or what we did was right, just giving you another perspective.

I do think its really odd that you guys haven't (?) or rarely (?) make the trip to visit them and perhaps they do too. This doesn't include SIL, that is just freaking immature and crazy to put that on you. I guess I'm wondering if it were your parents would you travel to see them more often? A lot of mothers complain their grown sons don't come around as much as their grown daughters. I hear this from many families, including my own mother. It is true in our family that visiting my parents isn't quite a priority for my brother like it is for my sisters, despite my sisters being farther away. My grandma would tell you that a "A daughter is a daughter all the days of her life, a son is a son until he finds himself a wife" LOL though I don't think that is true!

but anyways...I don't think there is much harm in letting DH take DS to visit them and you can decide not to go if you don't want to. However, before I went I would make them schedule a trip to visit DS. "We are planning on coming in November, when can I mark you down for visiting us?". "Its a long trip for DS, so I'd like to split the trips between us both".

I don't know how much of a role the grandma being in the nursing home plays into this because I haven't had anyone close to me in one. Not sure if I would feel like you do or if I would be worried about being 4 hours away in case something happened.

Best of luck, hope you guys can get on the same page!

martinimomma · October 2013

So sorry, Peanut. I have to go with Rachael on this one. I fear that your DH is making things worse rather than better and having a hard time seeing that your family of 3 (soon to be 4) takes priority over his parents. And his sister is bat sh*i crazy, but clearly you knew that already and I'd ignore her inappropriate azz. ((Hugs))

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Thanks for all the thoughts ladies.

We have actually traveled to be with his family just as much as with mine...my parents moved back here a couple months ago but before that, they were in OH for the first 16 months of DS's life, and DH's parents are in MI. We traveled to MI once, to OH once to visit my family, and to OH once for DH's family reunion, so technically I guess we've traveled to be with his family more than with mine, even though my parents only moved here within the last 8 weeks.

The reason we don't travel much with DS is two-fold. 1) He does not like being in the car for more than about half an hour at a time, and there's a lot of crying/fussing/yelling until we stop and get out of the car for a bit, so now the "easy" 4 hour drive becomes about a 5.5-6 hour drive that we can only do in 45-60 minute increments. 2) DS does not sleep when we go out of town. He HATES the PNP and refuses to nap in it, so he takes NO naps, yes an 18 month old with NO naps, for the entire weekend. Then, at bedtime, he doesn't want to sleep in it either, so we will try to cosleep but every time he treats the bed like a gymastics stadium and just plays for an hour, an hour and a half until we give up and put him back in the PNP until he cries himself to sleep after an hour. So then none of us get any sleep, DS is SUPER cranky the entire time we on the trip, and we are doing damage control for the entire weekend because he is just a total crankpot, and then no one is having a good time. Especially because his parents are hands off and are never like, "Oh, let me help," or "Why don't you guys go out and grab some coffee and I'll stay with DS for half an hour so you can get a break?" So of course they want us to come there...they don't have to deal with the BS and they don't have to leave the comfort of their own house.

I understand people travel with kids a lot, it's just that the few times we've done it, the three of us have had a rotten time, mostly because of sleep deprivation, and it ends up being kind of a wasted weekend...DS is crabby, DH and I are pissy, and then no one is really up for visiting and being social and doing activities together. I just don't understand why two grown adults in great physical health can't get in the car and visit a family with a toddler, but the family with the toddler who doesn't like being in the car, who doesn't sleep unless he's in his crib, etc. should pick disrupt their child's entire life for the weekend so DH's parents can have it easy.

martinimomma · October 2013

Peanut2929 said:
.
I just don't understand why two grown adults in great physical health can't get in the car and visit a family with a toddler, but the family with the toddler who doesn't like being in the car, who doesn't sleep unless he's in his crib, etc. should pick disrupt their child's entire life for the weekend so DH's parents can have it easy.

Word. All of this.

orangegoggles · October 2013

RachaelA said:

I think the OP has every right not to want to drive with a toddler 8 hours roundtrip (which does not include stops since let's face it with a toddler, you sometimes end up stopping a lot). I think its incredibly rude of faaaaaaaaaaamily to think that the family with the children should come to them. Even if it is just a couple times a year. OP could have a carseat hater or a kid that gets carsick, etc. She's also pregnant and I wouldn't want to be stuck in a car for that long while pregnant if it could be avoided.

And while I understand that its hard for her husband to realize his parents aren't his priority anymore, then his butt should be in counseling so he can learn how to cope with that. Not make his wife just deal with it because he doesn't want to stand up to mommy and daddy. The fact that he basically just rolled over during the conversation and gave in on everything his parents said (and took the blame) is absolutely ridiculous. He should never have sat on the phone and let his father attack him.

I don't think anyone is suggesting she should just deal with it...I was just offering some thoughts on the issue. I think if she knew what she wanted to do, she would have asked for support, not advice. There are always two sides of every story so we don't really know how her H feels about the issue. Maybe there is more to it, then just the black and white issue. Maybe there is a reason why he felt responsible....who knows. or maybe he just gave in to them and doesn't stand up to them.She also didn't mention in her first post that they do go visit his parents already, I wasn't sure if they ever went or not. After getting some more info, it doesn't seem like the drive will work for them until DS is a little older and out grows his hatred for the car drive. I guess if it was me I would just explain that to them and try to reach out in other ways (phone calls, pictures, etc.) Then at least she and her DH can say they tried and the ball is in the parents court.

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