Please come in if you have a nanny

MickeyM04 · October 2013

So DH and I have been arguing about this over the past couple of days and I don't have any friends with nannies who I can ask. Our nanny is F/T and brings her almost 4 year old son with her every day. We pay her bi-weekly. Also, within the past couple of months (and I probably should have done it sooner), I started giving her $20 a week in case she wants to take DS out to lunch, to a play area, whatever. (There are a ton of places in our area that are big play areas for kids with bounce houses, play structures, etc., and children under 2 aren't free because they're targeted at toddler age kids.) So all this stuff costs money and I kind of figure that our nanny shouldn't have to pay for DS's lunch at Panera, or DS's play time at the bounce house place. Don't get me wrong, she did for awhile (before I saw the light and was like hmmm...we should be giving her money for this) and she never complained or asked for money or anything. I would just see on his daily sheet that they had Panera for lunch and I'd think, crap, I should give her money.

DH thinks we pay her almost $1900 a month already (we live in the Chicago area in case you just fell out of your chair), and why can't she use that money. I tell him it's her salary for her job, and she shouldn't be expected to spend that money on our child. He then says, we have food at the house, toys, etc. and there's plenty of stuff she can do for free, so if she elects to go out to lunch or someplace that costs money, she should have to pay for it. I told him that is unreasonable because he can't even be in the house for DS for one day without needing to go out and do errands or something, so how nuts would it be to expect her to either stay home or find free things to do all year just because she technically *can* do it for free.

What do you think? Is DH right or am I?

thedash · October 2013

She should not be paying for your child's lunch and activities out of her own money. But I do think it's fine to set a budget or some limits so that you have control over how much is spent on those things. And you could pick a few free activities and ask her to take him and report back on whether he had fun.

I think most people have their nanny pre approve activities and outings also. I would be stunned to find out our sitter took DS to an event or out to lunch without running it by me first. Mostly for scheduling purposes, not because I don't trust her.

litzo27 · October 2013

I would have a discussion with your nanny about what types of activities/places are available around your house and suitable for your child. And how often you want her to take him. I would imagine there are plenty of free playgrounds, parks and libraries, etc. You have to pay to play on a "play structure"??? Strange. I guess the bouncy house is ok once every couple of weeks. How much does it cost to get in? I would not be ok with her taking my kid to lunch at Panera unless I have discussed it first - I provide healthy meals at home. Again, if you think this is for the benefit of your LO somehow then, by all means, discuss an allowance. But if this is because she "needs to get out of the house" then it's on her. Honestly, I would guess that it's more about the 4 year old - he is probably going stir-crazy being with a baby inside the house all day long and she needs to come up with entertainment for him. In that case it's her responsibility to budget her money in a way that entertains her own child while caring for yours.

JJ_13 · October 2013

You are right, but it should be more formalized - i.e. she has a $50 budget for the week for outside of the house activities and that money is only to be used on your son's costs, not hers.

Just my $.02.

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Oh yes, just to clarify, the money is only used for our DS. And she knows we give her $20 a week, so anything above and beyond that is on her. Especially when most places, DS is free, and we also have a membership to the zoo and a children's museum so there are lots of free activities she can do, I agree. That's why it's such a small amount...the play place they usually go to is $8 per child, and I figure that covers one visit a week and then the $12 should cover two lunches.

I'm sure probably largely the reason they go out at all is because the 4 year old wants to go somewhere/gets stir crazy, and that's fine. We signed on to have a nanny who brought her child, so I don't think we ever expected that they'd be able to sit at home all day 5 days a week, 50 weeks year, so I am fine with paying so that DS can partake in the same activities.

I do find it interesting that the majority seem to require pre-approval for activities/outings. Can I ask why? It never really occurred to me. Probably because we have one child and he isn't involved in any activities (like no you can't take DS to place X after lunch because he has music class at that time on Wednesdays...). I feel like that would be such a headache for me to deal with, since they go places almost every day (the park, lunch, the library, the play place, grocery shopping, etc.) and I'd be constantly picking up the phone and clearing things with her. I'm just curious as to everyone else's logic...maybe I am missing something and should get on board with the idea?

Iblamethebeer · October 2013

Agree with other posters -- she should not have to pay, but you should also control the budget.

Some parents set the budget at zero and require prior approval anytime the nanny leaves the house with the kids. It sounds like that's the approach your husband is taking.

I am more like you. I think it's better for everyone for kids to get out of the house sometimes and I have always trusted our nannies to make the judgment calls on when the best days/times/activities were. So I like the approach of providing the nanny with some weekly/monthly cash and just asking her to let you know how she spent it. We have also used special debit-style cards that you pre-load with money and then can manage online. That's easier than carrying cash around and you can see the charges.

Virgo17 · October 2013

I think it's fair to pay for your own kid's activities and I think $20 per week sounds pretty generous. Getting out of the house is important for everyone's sanity. At $1900 a month, I feel like that extra $80 for activities is a drop in the bucket.

JJ_13 · October 2013

I'm also not into pre-approving places, although I think it's worth having a conversation if there are places you do not want her taking LO to.

MickeyM04 · October 2013

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. @Iblamethebeer can you tell me more about those debit cards you can track online? Not that I think she's going all crazy with the $20 or anything like that, but it would be great to not have to deal with cash considering we NEVER carry any on us.

Thanks again!!

*sparky* · October 2013

Virgo17 said:

I think it's fair to pay for your own kid's activities and I think $20 per week sounds pretty generous. Getting out of the house is important for everyone's sanity. At $1900 a month, I feel like that extra $80 for activities is a drop in the bucket.

ITA w/this. Also, when we had a nanny (DS is in school now), she did not have to pre-approve activities with us, but generally if she was taking him somewhere new or planning something different she would let us know ahead of time.

SoMoNY · October 2013

We always leave an extra $20-$40 out for them to go to bouncy house place, out to lunch, etc.

I'd never expect my nanny to pay for my son's lunch or activities.

GMH1183 · October 2013

I don't necessarily require pre-approval but I do require my nanny shoot me a text if they leave the neighborhood. Something simple like "headed to museum." I like to know where my kids are just in case of emergency. This has nothing to do with my level of trust with the nanny.

As for the money, you should definitely be paying for those outings. You could have her pay upfront and then submit a receipt to you for reimbursement. I leave an envelope of cash in the drawer and have the nanny write on it when she takes out money and for what.

NicoleWI · October 2013

I am into pre-approving! I want to know where they are. What if something happened and I had no idea where they were?

I agree with you that you should pay for activities, not her, but I also don't think a weekly allowance amount is needed. $20 is pretty much. I think you could do more of a pay-as-you-go, i.e., you guys went to the zoo? How much was it? I like the cash drawer idea above with a record of how it's used.

TheBorg7of9 · October 2013

It should not come out of her salary. That is the amount that you guys agreed to pay her to work, and it shouldn't be reduced by costs for your baby.

However, you should come up with clear guidelines for how much you will give her to spend on activities and food. I am thinking of doing the same thing, but haven't come up with a good amount in my head yet.

thedash · October 2013

GMH1183 said:
I don't necessarily require pre-approval but I do require my nanny shoot me a text if they leave the neighborhood. Something simple like "headed to museum." I like to know where my kids are just in case of emergency. This has nothing to do with my level of trust with the nanny.

As for the money, you should definitely be paying for those outings. You could have her pay upfront and then submit a receipt to you for reimbursement. I leave an envelope of cash in the drawer and have the nanny write on it when she takes out money and for what.

This is what I meant by pre approval. If I leave work early and come home to take DS for a haircut at 3 pm I expect him to be there unless our sitter gave me a heads up that they would be at the park, McDonalds, play date, whatever. I just want to know where they are generally when they go out.

MickeyM04 · October 2013

I do like the envelope of cash idea, but the problem is, our nanny still insists I do not have to pay her for DS's extracurriculars/lunches/things like that and says she is happy to do it and the cost is minimal. I appreciate the sentiment but it does not make me comfortable to have her paying for things for my child. So I feel like if I just leave the cash in an envelope it will just stay there, whereas now I give her the cash and she takes it and it gets used. I do like that debit card idea but I'm not sure how to do it.

PSU_Texan · October 2013

The way to handle the debit card is to open a checking account that is not linked to your other accounts at your bank. Then you keep the debit card at the house and she uses it when she needs it. By not being linked, there could be overdraft fees if you are not watching (since you wouldn't have automatic coverage from your savings account). But you would be able to easily transfer money into the account from your other accounts and watch where the money is being spent. I require my nanny to keep a checkbook of all transactions. Mine uses it for activities, grocery shopping, errand running, etc. Never have I felt that she has violated the trust.

As to activities, in addition to the free ones, I would look into getting a family membership to zoo/children's museums. Usually, you can get a membership that has 3 named adults and any kids. This way your family could use it too and it wouldn't feel like you were only paying for her.

mexicolombiana · October 2013

We're in the same boat. We pay our nanny about $1900 a month too and I've heard this is actually LOW for Chicago. Anyway she used to bring her 3 yr old granddaughter with her but now her granddaughter is in pre-k the whole day.

She doesn't go out that much with the girls but after she picks up DD from pre-k (1/2 day) they sometimes go to McDonald or something so I give her some money here and there for that.

I'm with you, you should give her a little extra if you know they're going out somewhere. And my husband agrees with your husband. He thinks it's already incorporated into her salary. He's just being a cheap bastard.

And about pre-approval, a quick text if they go somewhere is all I like. And if they go to the library after pre-school I don't need to know nor do I care. If they go to downtown to the Aquarium all day I DO need to know. Anyway they never drive downtown for nap reasons and school conflicts so there's no need for pre-approving activities in our house.

Iblamethebeer · October 2013

Peanut2929 said:

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. @Iblamethebeer can you tell me more about those debit cards you can track online? Not that I think she's going all crazy with the $20 or anything like that, but it would be great to not have to deal with cash considering we NEVER carry any on us.
Thanks again!!

We used to have a card that was set up for teenagers. It was awesome because I was the account controller and could automatically add cash to it, but the nanny was the authorized user for spending it. The bank discontinued that card, though.

For our new nanny, we plan on doing what a PP said -- opening an unlinked checking account and giving our nanny access. It will just be a little bit harder to add money to it so we'll have to track more carefully.

shannm · October 2013

You are right. How would your husband feel if he was expected to buy a coworkers lunch three times a week? And I bet he gets more than 1900/mo. Which is low in my area.

MrsKM82 · October 2013

When I nannied, I never took the kids out unless the parents planned it/suggested it for me (which was a couple of times a week). They always left plenty of cash to cover the cost of their kids and myself as well so I never had to pay anything out of pocket (including my meals out and gas money). I always appreciated the generosity and left the receipts in the cash envelope. With my sitter I always tried to do the same thing. If I asked her to take my son to the beach or for a walk, I would always leave some cash for her to get a coffee, frozen yogurt etc.

legalbeagle1 · October 2013

This is a good thread. I never thought about leaving extra money for our nanny in case she wants to buy a snack for L since we have food at home, but if they are out and he is hungry (or needs something else) and already ate the snack she packed for him I wouldn't want her to pay for it! Thanks!

We pay for one class a week for L. Our nanny otherwise takes him to free activities -- story time at the library, playgrounds, etc. As it gets colder I think we'll try and find a playspace to pay for where she can go. And once he is done with PT (he currently goes three times a week) we will add more classes for socialization.

mjcleve · October 2013

We don't have one anymore but when we did we always had our nanny obtain prior approval if she was going somewhere and then I paid her for it if we approved. $20 a week is actually a lot for one kid in my opinion. Does she give you money back if she doesn't use it?

honeybee111 · October 2013

We had a nanny for DD for 2.5 years, and currently have one for DS. Our nanny always gave us a heads up for any outings. We would give her money for any admissions/food.

nosoup4u · October 2013

What's with husbands thinking a nanny should take the cost of food. etc. our of her salary? That's totally a cheap bastard move, like someone else said.

We pay $2000/mo, and are in Chicago. I trust our nanny completely, and she doesnt need pre-approval to take DS2 somewhere, but she lets us know if she's planning on taking him somewhere they don't usually go.

I like the debit card idea!

LeahCK · October 2013

LOVE our Nanny. I don't question any of her decisions and would always pay her for any out of pocket expenses outside of her hourly/salary. Of course she packs his snacks and lunches.

tarynh75 · October 2013

I think I would have a hard time living on $450 a week (ie. what she is making), so $20 a week towards my employer's child's expenses would be meaningful. I think your husband is being ridiculous.

laurakaz13 · October 2013

You are right. Your DH is wrong. I would want my child to be able to go out and about and do activities and have fun with your nanny and her child. So paying $20/week extra for that would be so worthwhile to me.

Strunella · October 2013

Pretty much everything our nanny does with DS is free. Sometimes she'll mention that they went out for frozen yogurt, but I don't give her money for that. On the other hand, when I asked her to take DS out for lunch as we had prospective buyers coming to see the house, I left her money to buy lunch for herself and DS.

If your nanny is regularly taking your child out to activities that cost money and you're ok with that, then I agree that she should get some extra spending money. $20/week seems reasonable to me.

I do not have my nanny clear outings with me but it really hasn't been an issue. She doesn't leave our area other than to take him to scheduled classes, which I already know about. If it were something totally out of the ordinary, then I would definitely like to know about it, but play dates and trips to the library, park, etc. are all fine without notice.

RibbitGrl930 · October 2013

GMH1183 said:

I don't necessarily require pre-approval but I do require my nanny shoot me a text if they leave the neighborhood. Something simple like "headed to museum." I like to know where my kids are just in case of emergency. This has nothing to do with my level of trust with the nanny. As for the money, you should definitely be paying for those outings. You could have her pay upfront and then submit a receipt to you for reimbursement. I leave an envelope of cash in the drawer and have the nanny write on it when she takes out money and for what.

Precisely. When my friend baby-sat for us, I did ask that she notify us ahead of time if she wanted to take him someplace, usually just so I would know where they were. I wanted to avoid the panic of coming home early and finding nobody there, or calling home and getting no answer. I trusted her judgment in where she wanted to take him. The only places she took him to was one of her Dr.'s appointments (and she got the ok from me to let her mom watch DS in the waiting room while she was being seen by the doc) and a baby shower at her church. I only asked that she send a text when she was leaving, and another when she returned to the house.

As for the original question, I'm in favor of giving her that small budget for out of the house activities per week. If she wants to do anything that requires more than that, it can come out of her own pocket.

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