MIL wants to use crib from 1985!

wearebirds · October 2013

Ok, my IL's still have my husbands crib. Awh how sweet...yadda yadda...gag me with a spoon.

My MIL is our "daycare" for a few hours a day during the week. She offered to come to our house, but I almost would rather have the baby at her house because then I wouldn't have te problem of her going through all of my stuff and "cleaning" while I'm not there. Also, I wouldn't have to try getting her to leave my house when I'm ready to relax with my baby.

Here's the issue. She wants to use my husbands old crib. From 1985. I am not at all comfortable with my child being in a crib that is older than I am that is beyond not recommended anymore.

How can I get her to understand that I do not want my baby in the crib because its not safe?! (She also argued with me that the baby needed blankets in the crib....freaking shoot me)

I feel like I need to make a list for her. Lol

Shobb414 · October 2013

Offer to supply her with a play pen, then she won't have to have the crib up just in case she has guests when baby isn't there... Or try to think of another reason she won't want a giant crib up all the time

Shobb414 · October 2013

Play pen/ pack and play/play yard etc. Everyone has a diff name for them

orriskitten · October 2013

I'd say send her the updated info and recommendations. If you can't trust her to follow them, can you trust her to care for your child?

FWIW, when visiting my ILs in Iceland, we used the crib that was used for both DH and his little sister (so from 1979). However, FIL recently re-did it, painted it and fastened the drop-side of the crib so it was stationary and safe. Things that are old can be well maintained.

ETA: words

ceh789 · October 2013

So here's the scoop with family providing child care, usually for free. You can ask, you can explain why you want what you want, but you get what you pay for.

If being able to set rules and have your child care provider comply with current safety recommendations is important to you - find someone licensed and pay them.

I don't mean to be short - but that's the bottom line. My sister has been fighting this fight with our mother for 3 years now. I'm likely going to be staying home FT to care for our baby partly because we don't want to leave her with my mom (we could afford professional day care, but paying for it makes the math on my working much less attractive and the pros of staying home much moreso).

Anyway - it is frustrating, but that's the bottom line. A few thoughts - provide her with data on why you want what you want - offer to pay for a new crib or PNP. Good luck in your process!

linzerd · October 2013

Buy a pack and play for her house and tell her they aren't safe anymore (most likely has a drop side, yes?) I'm sure this has been answered since I didn't read any other responses.

wearebirds · October 2013

ceh789 said:
So here's the scoop with family providing child care, usually for free. You can ask, you can explain why you want what you want, but you get what you pay for.

If being able to set rules and have your child care provider comply with current safety recommendations is important to you - find someone licensed and pay them.

I don't mean to be short - but that's the bottom line. My sister has been fighting this fight with our mother for 3 years now. I'm likely going to be staying home FT to care for our baby partly because we don't want to leave her with my mom (we could afford professional day care, but paying for it makes the math on my working much less attractive and the pros of staying home much moreso).

Anyway - it is frustrating, but that's the bottom line. A few thoughts - provide her with data on why you want what you want - offer to pay for a new crib or PNP. Good luck in your process!

We actually would be paying her. Since its only for a few hours a day it'll be way less than what wed pay for daycare. Most daycares around here don't allow part time.

sopranoali · October 2013

You could "accidentally break" the crib with a power saw.

ceh789 · October 2013

wearebirds said: We actually would be paying her. Since its only for a few hours a day it'll be way less than what wed pay for daycare. Most daycares around here don't allow part time.

Free and below market/what you can't get on the paid market is kinda the same thing in terms of dictating how she cares for your child

Just sayin'!

ETA Why are quotes so broken? Grr!

wearebirds · October 2013

A friend is actually giving me a crib that we aren't going to use here...so I'm hoping she will take it to use there. If not ill be supplying her with a PNP or other arrangement.

dancer7889 · October 2013

Is the crib is decent shape? Not that I'd want to use one that old, but if it can be "fixed" to not have a drop side, is sturdy, etc. could it perhaps work?

Not an ideal solution, but if she adamant, it's better than nothing.

And please find info about babies and blankets/comforters for her. Overheating, breathing problems, SIDS I think are enough of a reason to not convince her. If not , I'd pay extra for daycare.

bunniekrissy · October 2013

We considered using my old crib that my parents still had (with some renovations) ....... until we pulled it out of storage and took a look. It looked very worn out and unstable. Maybe that's all she needs to do to be convinced.

BabyVDM · October 2013

Just say no.

course if she is going to care for the babyat her house shewill something for the baby to sleep in.

wearebirds · October 2013

I just had a "conversation" with DH....we're going to "look" at the crib just to say we did and tell tem no. We will supply them with an alternative. They can save that crib for their own daughters kids if they want....she's a nurse too so I highly doubt she'll go for it either.

He knows I'm serious when I say I'll pull LO from her care if she does something I think is dangerous after I specifically ask her not to. I've seen too many babies get hurt and/or worse. Just because my husband survived that crib...and I survived one that I slept in doesn't mean it's perfectly safe. Other babies did not....which is why recommendations change over the years.

I'm definitely going to search for some articles and stuff to give her....just so she sees that I'm not pulling this information out of my ass.

ring_pop · October 2013

I know this wasn't at all your question, but I have to say that I agree with @ceh789 that you really might want to consider different child care arrangements. The rest of your post says a lot about your MIL and her respect for boundaries.

Hdhtk4 · October 2013

My mom is watching my LO for free and is using my crib from 1987. It really doesn't bother me because we will of course make sure it is sturdy and the drop side is secure, and it's (somehow) still in really good condition. I have a very laid back personality though so maybe that is why it doesn't bother me. Also my mom was a director of a daycare center for years so I completely trust her.

But if you're not comfortable with it, for sure let your MIL know. She should respect your wishes or lose the privilege if watching her grand baby every week.

clo1982 · October 2013

My mo watches dd and she had been using my old crib that my dad and grandfather made. It's freakin gorgeous and far better quality than what can be bought in the store. I measured the slats to ensure they weren't too wide, which they weren't then had them slightly alter the side. Theirs was semi drop side where you pulled two plugs and a small section (about 6 inches) folded down toward the outside). Easy fix as my dad just changed the plugs to screws so it was solid. Anyway point being, take a look at the crib and don't just discount it right off the bat. Honestly too, as others have said you aren't going to be able to control every aspect of child care no matter who or where it is...so pick your battles and ultimately know you trust your provider and that they have your child's best interests at heart.

mamamia866 · October 2013

As stated by PP, I don't think I could trust her if she's making such a big stink about it. If she is not receptive of the info you give her about new reccomendations, I would start looking at other arrangements.

peachy0709 · October 2013

Cmmo14 said:

My MIL wanted to use HER crib with LO, from the 50s. I had to put my foot down and say that she either did what I say or LO wouldn't be going to her house unattended. Stand your ground, this is your LO and a Pack n Play is not that expensive

My MIL too!!!! I was confused why she even still had it around.

KariB509 · October 2013

Nooooo. It's probably a drop side crib! What about buying her a "grandma book?" I think they make books about modern child care intended for grandparents. My hospital also offers a grandparent class that teaches modern child care techniques. I don't think it needs to be offensive either. Just tell her that a lot of recommendations have changed since 1985.

sebullows · October 2013

I know it isn't easy, but I think being honest with her and laying down the law is really important. I am the most non confrontational person ever and have had difficulty doing it myself, but it's for the safety of your baby. I'm sorry you have to go through that

my MIL is very similar and it can be very hard at times.

Mrs.N.H. · October 2013

If it's not a drop side crib and it's sturdy I really don't see the problem. I love vintage furniture that has been restored...a new mattress some cleaning and a fresh coat of paint may be all it needs. This is coming from the person that used a 1980s changing table and restored it. That thing was gorgeous! I passed it down and I'm regretting it now.

Also, there is a class for Grandparents to "update" them in child care. Things like sleeping in their tummy, blankets, car seat safety, SIDS risks are all covered. I think some of them may even include baby CPR. It may be worth to take a look at the classes in your area and sign up your MIL for one of those.

And last but not least make sure you are 100% comfortable with your MIL taking care of the baby and also be sure you are comfortable telling her not to do X or Y because you don't like it, want it, make you nervous or whatever reason. You are the mom and you make the final decisions when it comes to child care. Good Luck!

ETA: Here are some guidelines to verify if the crib is safe for use and could be restored. If it doesn't meet that criteria that's an easy battle to win.

- The mattress should be firm and tight-fitting.

- There should be no missing or broken hardware or slats.

- Slats should be no more than 23/8" apart (about the width of a soda can).

- Corner posts should not be higher than 1/16"

- There should be no design cutouts in the headboard or footboard.

- It should not have a drop-side

ProudMommy030614 · October 2013

I had a similar problem with my first so and my mil. She had a yard sale "deal" and this crib looked like it came straight from the trash! There was no way in hell I was using that death trap so I told her that as long as she had it professionally restored and brought up to safety recommendations it would be fine. Oh and I added that she had to pay for all of that too. Long story short the death trap was put to the curb and never mentioned again! Good luck

lopezalonso · October 2013

I think the best way to navigate this issue would be to tell her that you told your OB how cute you thought it was that your baby would be able to sleep in his/her dad's crib and he was adamant about not doing that because.... [fill in the blank]. Just blame it on the OB and risk of SIDS. I'm sure your MIL wouldn't want to risk SIDS, especially if the warning came from a medical professional.

ErinE683 · October 2013

mssm2012 said:

Suggest she take an infant care/safety class, offer to pay for it, and perhaps go with her so you can bring up questions and have the instructor explain to her. Ultimately, you'll have to decide if she will follow your rules; if not, consider finding another DCP. You may have to buy her a new crib, car seat, etc. to keep at her house.

I love this idea. Don't just suggest she take an infant care class-- ask if she wants to take one with you and DH. If she's like my MIL, she would think it is a major bonding activity, and then you get the benefit that you both hear all the same information, and you could refer back to the class later. You could even frame it as, "I'm really nervous about caring for baby. I think this class will help me feel better. Will you come, too?"

ewill2586 · October 2013

I plan on using my crib from 1986. That being said I have gone over the entire thing with my dad and it is perfectly safe. We will be buying a new mattress for baby and all new linens. My dad was so happy to be able to do something for baby already by inspecting the crib

kimberpoo · October 2013

mssm2012 's and the other ladies suggestion on the child care class and going with MIL/grandma. My DH's grandmother, who is in her early 70's but in great shape, will be watching our LO while I work for the first few years until my mother retires and takes over. Although his grandmother has raised 5 children of her own plus DH and all of his cousins while parents were at work with no issues (big fat greek family so lots of kids to raise!), it has been awhile since she had to watch a tiny baby. She is fantastic but I'm worried about using blankets and feedings once LO is off a bottle.

Going to a parenting safety class is a great idea! as a FTM I could use the knowledge, and I'd feel safer with her knowing everything as well. I know if I signed her up she probably wouldn't go, but if I was going and maybe MIL too, she would be on board and we could make a day out of it. great idea!

corbsmom · October 2013

Is it a drop side or just old? If it's a drop side, I'd buy the immobilization thing to make it safer. If it's just old, I wouldn't worry too much about it, especially since it's just for a few hours a day.

Show her the studies that show why drop side cribs and blankets in bed with small babies can be deadly. If she still protests, tell her it's your baby, so your rules.

pixie mama · October 2013

ring_pop said:

I know this wasn't at all your question, but I have to say that I agree with @ceh789 that you really might want to consider different child care arrangements. The rest of your post says a lot about your MIL and her respect for boundaries.

I agree completely with this. Unfortunately, we can't trust my MIL. She is always right, even when she's wrong. And she's shown on a couple of occasions that she's going to do things her way regardless of what we want. She is no longer allowed to keep DS while we go out - which is unfortunate, but our son's safety comes WAY before her feelings.

I don't know your relationship with your MIL. Hopefully she will listen to what recommendations have changed and will respect your wishes. Good luck.

amandajason7515 · October 2013

My dad saved my crib from 1983. I checked out all of the safety regulations, and surprisingly, it passes. It was only used for my sister and I, and all of the original parts. However, my father refuses to let us paint it. I guess it works out because my MIL gave us a bookcase and rocking chair that match (coincidentally), and SHE refuses to let us paint those either. I think that since we are given these things for free, if we want them, we have to follow their rules and opinions. I guess it is the same way with daycare. I had my heart set on white furniture, and we are using oak.

It is more important for me to keep the peace and replace the baby furniture in a few years with what I want then. It may be worth it for you to keep the peace for the long haul in that relationship.

Naniebeans · October 2013

Oh yeah, going through this over here too. My MIL wants to give us my DH's crib from 1982. I made the comment that it is probably a "death trap" (I had no filter that day, oops). I could tell she was all hurt monkey over it. She said it was very expensive... I told DH, I don't give an eff how much it cost, this is about the safety of our baby. I am willing to take a look and see if it "passes" the safety requirements, but if it doesn't, sorry, we are not using it. I am not going to jeopardize my baby's safety to spare anyone's feelings!

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