Feel like an inadequate mom

honeydew01 · October 2013

This is I guess a long pitty party for myself. I guess I want to know if anyone else feels the same way...if there is anything I can do to change things..are these feelings normal or am I going kookoo?

So I read all these blogs/facebook posts with moms out and about doing things with their babies all day long and it makes me feel that I am just a loser stay at home mom. For example I see moms going shopping, lunch out, visiting people, doing things all day long with their babies (babies look happy in the pictures) and I wonder how I could do the same when my baby is expired after 2 hours of being awake at almost 8 months old.

She can hold it together for close to 2 hours. It take 15 minutes to feed her and a few minutes to get her dressed to get out of the house so that leaves me with 1.5 hour. It takes half an hour to get to anywhere from our house so that means as soon as I get to my destination I have half an hour before I have to get back home. We've had occasions where I couldn't get back to put her down in her crib for a nap and she lost it. Each time she screamed and screamed and it took an hour or more to get her calmed down. She doesn't nurse anywhere but in her room with the lights dimmed and doesn't sleep anywhere but her crib. So we spend most of the time at home or go for walks around the house or run quick "half an hour" errands but we've never really gone out to meet anyone for lunch or really do anything that'd take a long time.

I want to her to experience the world and make memories and I'd like to enjoy doing things with her while she's little but we're clearly not exceeding at it. I feel like maybe it's my fault for not letting her get used to sleeping anywhere when she was younger and now she only associates her crib to sleeping. I don't know, I feel like I have an 8 months old with a newborn schedule and all we do here is get up from and be put down for naps.

I tried to connect with people in my area to socialize and get out of the house but it turned out to be an unpleasant experience where I felt even less confident in my mothering skills after meeting the other moms. I met two moms, they both marveled about how their LOs STTN and neither had any eating issues. Their LO "loved solids and nursing." I listened to these 2 moms talk and talk about their babies and thought to myself "do I have a broken baby? She has STTN maybe 5 times her whole life. I can write a book about our breastfeeding issues to date...we still struggle with naps... she doesn't like solids.." I felt pretty crappy after my attempt to socialize with other moms I obviously could not relate to.

DD is going through major stranger anxiety as well so even when we socialize with family it turns into a lecture about how "the poor kid doesn't get to see anyone that's why she cries when she sees us.."

I don't know where I am going with all these rambling. I just feel like I am an inadequate mom or something. If people with multiple kids can do it then why can't I be out and about with my LO having a good time...I feel like a total outlier in the mom world (the ones I've interacted with in person anyway).

It's ok to tell me that i am crazy or maybe depressed or both.

MoreThanABride · October 2013

Sounds like your baby is a little high maintenance and it is making you depressed. I think you are doing the best you can, no need to worry. Maybe try having people come visit you to take advantage of awake happy time and maybe give yourself a little more time to socialize after she is in bed.
My dd is 8 months tomorrow. She had slept through the night less than 10 times. She hates being fed from a spoon. I have never gotten more than 3 bites into her. She is better with mushy finger foods, have you tried that? I have given her roasted squash and sweet potato, and steamed carrots to feed herself and it has made meals so much better.

LisaLisa1980 · October 2013

I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm a SAHM and I don't really go anywhere either.
Does your DD not sleep in the stroller/car while you're out?

honeydew01 · October 2013

MoreThanABride said:

Sounds like your baby is a little high maintenance and it is making you depressed. I think you are doing the best you can, no need to worry. Maybe try having people come visit you to take advantage of awake happy time and maybe give yourself a little more time to socialize after she is in bed. My dd is 8 months tomorrow. She had slept through the night less than 10 times. She hates being fed from a spoon. I have never gotten more than 3 bites into her. She is better with mushy finger foods, have you tried that? I have given her roasted squash and sweet potato, and steamed carrots to feed herself and it has made meals so much better.

Yes, we moved on to finger food pretty quickly when she wasn't having it with the purees. She plays with it still, doesn't really eat much. She's still learning I guess.

I tell my DH that DD is high maintanance but he doesn't think so. He thinks he's like any other baby...

honeydew01 · October 2013

LisaLisa1980 said:

I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm a SAHM and I don't really go anywhere either. Does your DD not sleep in the stroller/car while you're out?

No unfortunately she doesn't. She's either content or hysterical in the car/stroller. There is like 2 minutes in between the two emotions.

maritimeme · October 2013

I have the same type of baby but she has never slept through the night and takes 30 min naps!

We also live 30 mins from most things. I do get out to our local library and do quick errands too.

We have major distracted nursing issues and so she will not eat if we are not home. And will fall asleep in the car but wakes once we stop. So I've decided we just spend time in our neighbourhood mostly. It's definitely been an adjustment but it is best for her. I know it is temporary.

You could always start trying to stretch her wake times 15 mins every 3 days to get her used to being awake longer.

=Lee=B · October 2013

Have you tried baby wearing? My daughter is 7.5 months and is just starting to tolerate the stroller and car seat but she loves being worn and naps on my easily. She just started going longer than 2hrs between naps but we have been out and about with since the start since she just passes out on my chest. There are many really good carriers out there...you can usually borrow or try them out from local baby wearing groups and stores.

My daughter has never, even remotely closely slept through the night. There was an ever so brief period (few nights) where she woke every 4 hrs. what bliss! Now she's back to her ever 2 hr wake ups.

I would start by timing things so the minute she wakes up you go out. A walk, a drive to the mall anything...you can be back home in 2hrs. It will get you out of the house and will be the start of hopefully more, longer outings! Try the library?

Oh, and my daughter at home flips a switch and is exhausted at the 2hr mark. When out and about she can go much longer if we don't manage to get her down for a nap. Today she went 4hrs and was happy as could be. The second we got back to the car she freaked and was toast...but at this age they are so aware of what's around them and want to see everything that they can last longer. So, there is a chance she will surprise you!

PhieryBFly · October 2013

Keep in mind that those picture you see of everybody's happy babies are them at their best. Nobody wants to post a picture of their kid red-eyed and bawling and themselves frazzled. You're seeing them at their best and comparing that to you at your worst which isn't fair to you or your LO.

jwebb0512 · October 2013

You're not crazy. It's normal to want to get out of the house. We get out everyday, unless I'm feeling really lazy. I go to the Y and workout most days, so DS goes to child watch. We run errands, go to story time @ the library, or just walk outside. I agree with the PP who mentioned baby wearing. DS is boycotting the stroller, so if there isn't a shopping cart, I have to wear him. I recently bought an Ergo and LOVE it! DS slept for an hour and a half in it while I walked around the mall the other day. For me, it's easiest to get everything together the night before. I pack everything, except bottles, so that when DS wakes up, is changed and fed, we're out the door.

The feeling inadequate when it comes to mothering is normal also, IMO. I read these posts and wonder what I'm doing wrong because DS doesn't do the things other 9 month olds are doing. You just do the best you can. As long as your daughter knows she's loved, safe, and cared for, she'll be just fine.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Start small and your daughter might surprise you.

katfaz · October 2013

Every mother paints the perfect picture of their life with their baby. Truth of the matter is, no baby is perfectly happy all the time, every baby has their moments. Most mothers brag about how wonderful things are, but don't tell you about the problems they experience. If mothers were more honest, it would help other mothers from feeling "inadequate." I understand how you feel, and I can't tell you not to feel that way but think about how you are doing the best for your LO and things will turn out just fine! Good job, mama!

honeydew01 · October 2013

thank you guys for all your responses.

I try to wear her but I can't do it for more than half an hour or so, because my knees and back hurt really bad now that she's bigger. I have a Mei tai, a moby and a baby bjorn (that I've used a couple of times only). I wore her all the time when she smaller but I can't do it for long period of time now although I really do try.

URMySunshine77 · October 2013

I agree with @katfaz. Every mother feels inadequate in some way.

Have you ever tried an Ergo to baby wear? My friend just let me borrow hers, and it's now my favorite. (We've used the Bjorn and Moby in the past.) I love the Ergo because it is less taxing on my body, and there is a sun flap that I can put over DS's head to protect him from the sun or to let him sleep while we are out. If we are walking around after his window of awake time, he will fall asleep underneath that little hood and nap for a little while at least.

kgrobot · October 2013

DS has always been much happier out and about when I wear him in the Baby Bjorn, although we got a different stroller recently that he seems to like better. Agree with PP's--it might be time to start doing practice excursions with her to help her get used to getting out and doing something every day, also inviting people over to see you vs. you having to go to them is a good idea.
Hang in there!

flummadiddle85 · October 2013

The boba has stirrups for LO feet that's supposed to help when they are bigger. Also, woven, non stretchy wraps are supposed to be more supportive than the Moby. I just bought one off etsy, so I guess I'll see if it makes a difference.

erinmc1 · October 2013

My son is the exact opposite of your daughter. He loves to be out and about and around new people, lots of action. He's an angel in public, and people always ask if he's always soo good.

The flip side: at home, he gets bored really easily, and fusses constantly. So we go out. A lot. I shop. A lot. I'd much rather be home.

Every baby is different, and I think I just have an extrovert on my hands. I agree with the PP about having people come to you, if you can. That way, your LO can get some socialization, but still adhere to her routine until she gets a little more confident.

Do the other moms you were hanging with know the difficulties you've been having? If so, and they were still bragging how easy they have it, that's kinda cruel. But if you didn't mention your difficulties, they might have been downplaying the things they are struggling with themselves.

honeydew01 · October 2013

Thanks everyone. I wish I knew some of you in person. I read these forums and there are hundreds of sleep and eating related issues, it just seems like I've never met anyone in person with any issues. And you guys may be right that moms may be painting a perfect picture. That's too bad. I love my DD to death but I'm not going to sugar coat our struggles either.

I will try to get an Ergo to see if it'll be easier to wear her for longer stretches. Pretty sure that she won't sleep in it because she's too curious and busy to see everything to sleep and gets pissed if I cover her face. I'm 100lbs and barely 5 feet, she's 30 inches and 18 something pounds. I'm probably out of shape too that's why my back and knees hurt for days when I wear her for a long period. She feels pretty heavy after half an hour of wearing her and I feel the pain hours later when I lay down.

We don't have many friends and family around us. I have an aunt who can't seem to stay for longer than half an hour each time she visits so that DD's stranger anxiety would subside. She takes it personally and comments like "fine don't come to me. I don't like you either!" WTF she actually said that one day! MIL lives an hour and half away and comes to visit once or twice a month. So DD forgets her. Each time it takes about 2-3 hours for her to be reacquainted. This last time she said "i've never had to work so hard for my grandkids to like me..."

I'm going to try to stretch her awake time slowly, hopefully she'll adjust and is able to stay awake longer...

elizabethshare77 · October 2013

You are not an inadequate mom! You are just what your baby needs! Remember that most facebook/blog posts are about the shiny happy moments of life, not the challenging or every day humdrum. It's like looking at an airbrushed photo of a beautiful model in a magazine.

Try not to let others fill you with self doubt - you are doing a wonderful job and your baby loves you for it. If it makes you feel better, we've had a lot of the same issues too. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my house because of the nap schedule, but I try to remind myself that my DD will only be this young and "needy" for a short time. Some days we press our luck and get away with catching a short nap/car nap/stroller nap, whatever... some days it's a disaster! Rest assured that everything you're describing sounds perfectly normal and familiar, and that like every day with a baby, tomorrow will be different.

stephbethpeth · October 2013

I think that if you are worrying about whether you are adequate as a mom, youre probably doing your job. its the ones who don't worry that maybe should. It wont always be the way it is today

youre doing great

mpalmateer7 · November 2013

OP- you're NOT inadequate!! Like PP- you care enough to voice your issues- that right there means that you're more than adequate!
I'm a FTM and a SAHM- DS is almost 8 months. I felt almost EXACTLY like you in so many ways for the first half of his life. I finally feel like I have a handle on things, and we've "normaled out." High maintenance doesn't even begin to describe the first few months of my son's life... Had to be held every second, only slept on me (day and night), prescription needy skin, ate EVERY HOUR, only napped for a half hour at a time, extremely active, didn't like new people, started teething at 3 months, and oh yeah, is OVER the 100th percentile for his height (around 31" and 25lbs now)... Strung out or stressed are far too mild to describe me those first few months. Maybe maniacal and drained...?
You already know how much your DD has changed up until now- all these things too will change and pass. I wouldn't have believed this from anyone 4 months ago- and now I'm confidently telling you..! Focus on making you both happy.

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