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Addressing family questions/concerns on transracial adoption

kva11ishokva11isho member
in Adoption
Alright.  I know this is a hot topic.  I'm not looking to get people stirred up, I'm simply looking for advice. 

My husband and I are currently matched with an EMom who is due in January with a baby girl.  We couldn't be happier!!  However, since we announced our match we have started getting questions and noticing comments from various family members in regards to race.  The EMom we are matched with is Caucasian and father is African American.  Obviously we have made the choices and decisions in our adoption process that are right for us, and we really don't want to encourage or even qualify the racial comments that seem to be coming out of thin air lately (maybe we're just extra sensitive to it now, who knows).  We haven't shared the fact that our daughter will be bi-racial, because we don't feel that it needs to be focused on. 

Lately I have been having second thoughts on this though, for some reason.  I feel that we need to bring it up, let them know that we will no longer tolerate racial comments or remarks and move on. 

Childwelfare.org says:

"As adoptive parents in an interracial or intercultural family, you should refuse to tolerate any kind of racially or ethnically biased remark made in your presence. This includes remarks about your child's race or ethnic group, other races and ethnic groups, or any other characteristic such as gender, religion, age and physical or other disability. Make it clear that it is not okay to make fun of people who are different, and it is not okay to assume that all people of one group behave the same way.4 Teach your children how to handle these remarks, by saying, for instance, "I find your remark offensive. Please don't say that type of thing again," or "Surely you don't mean to be critical, you just don't have experience with . . ." or "You couldn't be deliberately saying such an inappropriate comment in front of a child. You must mean something else."

Try to combat the remarks while giving the person a chance to back off or change what has been said. This way you will teach your child to stand up to bias without starting a fight -- which could put your child at risk. In addition, by being gracious and giving others a chance to overcome their bias/ignorance, you can help to change their beliefs and attitudes over time. Positive exchanges about race will always be more helpful than negative ones."

This is definitely how we plan to respond should the need arise after she is born, but how to respond before she's here has got me stumped. 

Can anyone offer any advice or experiences similar to this?

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Re: Addressing family questions/concerns on transracial adoption

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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    I am a big believer in telling people things early and often, so they can get used to ideas that make them uncomfortable before the time of truth comes.  I do this with anyone I care about, about all sorts of things.

    When it came to my boys, anyone who couldn't understand and/or respect something about my children's nature was either removed from our lives entirely or has had extremely limited access to my family.  For us, this has been far less about race and more about their special needs, but I feel the impact of negative statements is the same in either case.
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  • CarolinaGirl2014CarolinaGirl2014 member
    I and the aparents are in a very similar situation. They didn't want to deal with any posible negativity later and give some family members time to adjust and educate themselves prior to birth, so they sat down and let them know in a loving but firm way that this was the situation. Everyone took it better than expected, and they learn to change at least their verbiage that way. I think family will be much more careful about what they say knowing that a biracial baby will be joining the family.
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

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  • taparhamtaparham member
    You should definately tell your family.  Be upfront with them about you will not tolerate when your child comes home. Let them know that if they can't deal with your child because they are of another race then this is good-bye.  Let them know that you are not going to allow your child to feel different.  Good luck!!
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  • plus12012plus12012 member
    I'm bi-racial and my parents (adoptive) are white. Things were definitely a lot different back when I was adopted than they are now. But as a child growing up in my family I never noticed any difference or different treatment from my extended family members. I know my parents answered alot of questions about it before bringing me home and they told me they were very open and honest with anyone who brought up differences because of race. They looked at it as an educational opportunity for those that have not had the honor of knowing how great it is to connect different backgrounds together (my Mom's words). My husband and I have also adopted a bi-racial child and I have found myself explaining ways that we embrace he whole cultural background, why we do and how we will continue to do this as she grows up. The tendency seems to be that people actually appreciate knowing what we share with them. We are just careful with our wording so it doesn't sound like we are attacking them. If you ever have any questions or concerns or want a personal view of what it's like to grow up in a family that is a different race from you, feel free to message me. I will share with you all I can.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

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  • mtenderemtendere member
    edited October 2013
    Deleted.

    Sorry. I somehow posted my response in the wrong thread!
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
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  • meghan2042meghan2042 member
    We just recently adopted a bi-racial little girl.  She is 5 months old and wonderful. We went ahead and told all of our family and friends her race up front so if there were any questions or comments, they could state them ahead of time. Everyone has been wonderful! Once your baby is here, those things won't matter so much to you. If any one ever brings up her race (and some people don't have a filter), I have no problem answering it. I am proud of my daughter and her heritage. It's apart of what makes her perfect. Let me know if you have any other questions, I am willing to answer. :)
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  • Karen1024Karen1024 member
    We made our initial announcement without specifications on her ethnicity on Facebook but then I realized people are going to be curious and it's stupid not to answer or let people in on this basic information! Its about as important as weight and length right?!  Details and differences are to be celebrated! 
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  • Karen1024Karen1024 member
    Oh, and you might be surprised!  It's been wonderful to see some of my family members growth because of our transracial adoption. My mother especially was memorably racist when I was growing up but now she is just sooooo happy to have a grandchild and her insight into how we are all just people no matter what race is a joy to see.
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