Best friend -- Recent MC (LONG)

gracete · October 2013

Hi Ladies!

My best friend since the 8th grade lost her baby at 21 weeks just ONE WEEK before I found out I was pregnant!

I waited as long as I could to tell her my news because I really wanted to wait and let her heal as much as she could although I know this is a pain she will have forever.

At first, it was hard for her to see me and I totally understand why. I can only imagine (she had to delivery vaginally but her LO didn't make it). Howeverm she's really come around and has been supportive of me. She always calls and texts to ask how I'm doing but I can't help but feel GUILTY when I share my good news.

I try to keep it short and sweet and not indulge in details (like the baby is moving a lot or how I saw her little nose in the last sonogram). I'm really struggling because I don't want to hurt her. She is still very emotional about it and can't even say her baby's name without crying.

We had a girls night in this past Friday with my circle of friends and my LO was kicking. I quietly took my sister's hand (who had not felt the baby move) and placed it on my belly. My sister screamed "OMG I finally felt her" my friend got up and went to the bathroom. It was too much for her and she didn't want to talk to anyone about it she said "I'm so sorry I have to go, I'm really sorry" and she left.

I felt like shit. I hurt for my friend... I can't even imagine loosing my baby but the truth is my sister didn't do anything wrong. She's going to be an aunt for the first time and is so excited!

I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that my DH and I didn't have any problems TTC... I've never had a MC and this is my first pregnancy.

Any advice on how I should handle this situation with her? I've tried my best to be sensitive towards her feelings and her tragic loss... Is it best that I don't see her? What do I do when she asks and wants pregnancy updates? I told her I understand if she doesn't come to my shower I will not be upset with her at all, I understand.

No drama please... this is coming from the heart.

HeartOverMind · October 2013

I think you've been a good friend. That is something that your friend is going to have to deal with and struggle with for a long time, but you shouldn't have to stop being happy and stop gushing about being pregnant because your friend is at a group outing. I don't think you did anything wrong.

ETA: I would continue to give her updates, if she asks for them, and I wouldn't mention the situation at all. What can you say without making her feel bad and yourself feel bad? I would just drop it. Also, I wouldn't try to avoid her. She's your friend. You can still reach out and hang out. Just don't talk about baby stuff unless she asks you. I understand how that can be an extremely tough and awkward situation. Good luck!

juliasmama2010 · October 2013

I agree. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did your sister. It was a moment of passion for her and she was genuinely excited. I do think I would probably call her and make sure she's ok. She will eventually come around, but she's obviously still healing. Don't avoid her as that will probably make things worse. Just be honest and talk it out with her. Hope she comes around sooner rather than later.

MeganWorden · October 2013

Speaking from experience, I m/ced for the first time a month before my BIL and his girlfriend got pregnant. I did not handle the news well, at all. I was able to calm down about it after a while and start up a friendship with this girl. I would text her once a week or so to ask how my niece was doing and how her pregnancy was going but honestly I had to force myself to do it and it was torture. They do not know this but, they had her baby shower the weekend of my loss EDD. I broke down twice before the shower but was able to put on my happy face for the shower itself. Holding my niece for the first time was very painful for me but I love my niece. My love for the child has kinda out weighed the pain I was feeling. I had another m/c back in February of this year and it brought back all of the terrible feelings I had when I first found out about my niece. Honestly those feeling did not go away until week 15 or so of this pregnancy.

I highly suggest giving your friend some space. You have done nothing wrong and I am sure she is happy for you but it can be very difficult to see/be around pregnant women and infants for those of us who have m/ced. I would continue to answer her texts as you have been and just try not to take it personal when she needs to excused herself from the group. She may need to distance herself from your friendship for a bit, to protect her heart, but I bet it will blossom again when she gets her rainbow baby.

Dishylo · October 2013

I agree with PP's that nobody did anything wrong; you, your sister or your friend.

I've also never MC'd so I don't know what your friend is going through and my advice is not first hand. However, I would text or email her to make sure she's ok. I personally wouldn't call as she may feel put on the spot whereas a text or email is something she can read and respond to in her own time.

If and when she asks for updates, it's probably because she genuinely wants to be happy for you and is making as much of an effort as she possibly can. When asked, I would respond. Be there for her when she needs you but give her space when she needs it.

alinafed · October 2013

I had an MC and it was extremely hard to find out my BIL and SIL were expecting - I found out less than 2 weeks after I found out about my missed MC. I can tell you from the other side, you feel like a HORRIBLE person for feeling anything but happy to hear about someone else's pregnancy. My psychologist was very helpful in explaining its not that I don't want her to be happy, it's that it reminds me of my situation.

Even months later finding out another of DH's and my friends was pregnant got me so sad I had to stay home from work the next day and triggered more depression. In the end it was really sad because she had an MC right after I found out I was finally pregnant again. Now that I have been through it I can be more understanding, I sent them a card and I had a long talk with her about my experience with an MC, but it is still something I am mindful of. We are having them to dinner this Friday and I expect that it may be hard for her and if so that's ok, but she wants to continue the friendship so I of course will.

I can say the thing that hurt me the most was when my SIL didn't tell me about her pregnancy right away because of my very recent MC - on top of everything it made me feel like everyone thought I was some weirdo who wouldn't be happy for her. I'm sure if she had told me right away I would have been upset too. I think when someone is grieving a loss there is no right course of action. I did appreciate little things people did to reach out like send cards or private messages about things.

I understand your friends' loss is now less recent but one thing to bear in mind is her previous EDD must be approaching. I dreaded that day for 6 months after my loss, I am very fortunate I was pregnant again with this LO when it came but even so it was a very hard time for me (I got diapers in the mail that were meant as a sample for the previous LO and it really upset me). Things may get easier for her after her EDD passes slightly.

Another thing to remember is her loss was so late I can't help but assume it is even harder for her (I guess I shouldn't make assumptions but from what I have learnt and others I have spoken with it does seem like the later the loss the harder it can be). Mine was still in the first trimester and that's how hard I took it, I cannot imagine a 2nd trimester loss where I still had to give birth.

I can tell your heart is in the right place. My only advice to you, aside from anything you care to take from what I've already written, is be patient with her. Don't question what you are doing wrong or what you did to upset her - sometimes there is no right answer when someone is going through something hard. Be mindful of her situation when you give her news or updates about the baby etc.

A bright note to end on: I will say I knew several people who had babies after my MC. After those babies were born things became easier, because I started thinking of them as their own people instead of the baby I was missing. I don't want my friend's baby, I wanted my baby, so once I met a little person who was someone else's I stopped associating them with my loss as much. I'm sure the same will happen for your friend - as your baby grows she will get to know it as its own person and it won't always make her think of her lost LO.

I think the fact that your friend has continued to reach out despite the fact that it's clearly hard for her is an admirable thing and you shouldn't push her away because it is hard for her. If that's the right choice she can make it herself. Just realize it is not you or anything you are doing (or your sister in this case) but her own issues she is working through. As sad or awkward as it might have been when she left the other night, think about how much worse it is for her and how I'm sure she WISHES she didn't feel this way.

Sorry for the speech. I hope this helps. You sound like a truly thoughtful and compassionate friend

housewifebecomesher · October 2013

All of what PPs said. My friend who just delivered twins found out about a month after my miscarriage that she was pregnant. I was so resentful, and you hate yourself for it, but it's something you really can't understand unless you have been through it. That being said, she can't truly understand how you feel about your current pregnancy either. No one did anything wrong, just give her space when she needs it and keep doing what you're doing. When your little lovebug comes into the world, it will be hard for her not to be a part of that and be happy for you, even though she will probably still feel a little jealous and hurt. That is something she just needs to work through, and until then, the best thing to do is just keep being the caring and genuine friend you have always been--caring enough to get advice on this!

twobluelines · October 2013

Let her set the pace for the information she wants about your baby. Don't be offended if she has to leave an event because it has gotten emotional but don't exclude her. She shouldn't feel isolated. I visited my SIL in the hospital as she gave birth to her little girl as I was still bleeding from my miscarriage. It hurt and I cried the whole way home. I am glad I went holding that tiny baby healed me as well as hurt me.

km_md · October 2013

I experienced a loss (much earlier than your friend, however) and from my experience, I'd say to give her a bit of space/time. I know that I had a super hard time with pregnancies after my loss and even now I don't respond to them quite the same way that I used to. I'm still excited and happy for people but I approach them with a bit more fear and anxiety in my mind. I don't think that you or your sister did anything wrong, I wouldn't fault people for the awful feelings that I was having, but it had to be really hard for her to hear that. Let her know that you are there for her and you are sorry that she is hurting, but don't press the issue and she will come around to you.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

One of my really good friends found out she was pregnant in the beginning of May. When I found out, I had called her ready to be super excited that we were going to be pregnant together but as I was telling her about my good news, she broke down and told me she had a MC. Not only that, but oddly enough, we had the same due date (mine was later changed by two weeks once it was confirmed via sonogram). She took it really hard and I know she tried to be happy for me but she was struggling with her own emotions. We took a step back and I have her space until she was ready to talk to me. It was a mutual understanding and I completely support her in her decision. Anything to ease her pain was something I was prepared to do. She finally started coming around and began texting/calling me once we found out the sex of the baby (at 20 weeks). Once I began having medical issues and was hospitalized, she has been my main support and caretaker. She is truly an amazing friend. I would just let your friend deal with her grief, each person has her own way of dealing with it and please don't take it personally. It's her own personal ordeal and I doubt you can be the person that she finds comfort in (because you are carrying a child). I'm confident she will come around and be the best aunt to your LO, just let her do it on her own time.

ashybear · October 2013

My boss had a 20-week miscarriage, and it has been hard knowing what to share and when to give her space. I agree with what PPs have said: You're both trying to be sensitive/supportive to one another, and that speaks highly of your friendship. You'll get through this.

gracete · October 2013

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. It's comforting to hear from others who have gone through similar situations. I appreciate your feedback... I'm going to continue to keep in touch with her as long as she continues to reach out (which luckily for me she has). I'm sorry for all of the ladies who have suffered a loss. Although it hasn't happened to me, my heart goes out to you.

OSUWifey09 · October 2013

You are a good friend, and none of you did anything wrong. Speaking from experience, it was hard for me to be around pregnant women and babies for a long time. I'm a year out from my loss and pregnant again, and I still sometimes feel overwhelmed by pregnant women and babies. I agree that giving her space is best for now. Don't shut her out, but be aware that things may get harder for her as you get further in your pregnancy.

peanutmuse · October 2013

Late to the game. That's a tough, tough situation. PPs gave some great advice, just wanted to throw in some support for you and reinforce that you did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad at all. You are absolutely right about that.

Want a personalized experience?

Best friend -- Recent MC (LONG)

Re: Best friend -- Recent MC (LONG)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards