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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
TheLastGlamourai
member
Super Sad... And it's Sinking in...
TheLastGlamourai
member
Hi Ladies,
I hope you all are doing well or as well as to be expected. I had known I was pregnant for about three weeks. It was a beautiful light in the midst of a troubled time, so needless to say I was very excited and grew attached quickly. I have three children already, and this was a baby that was very much wanted and dreamed about. I was due to have my first OB appointment this Friday, but on Tuesday, I had the most tremendous pain that I have only felt when I was in labor. I immediately knew something was wrong. My doctor instructed me to come to her office as soon as possible. We looked on the ultrasound and saw no baby. My uterus was its normal size. I had a BFP on my HPT, so I knew I was pregnant. I was very tender in my abdomen and they found the baby in my left fallopian tube. They said the baby had grown and measured it's correct size (six weeks) and had a thriving heartbeat. It was the hardest thing I will ever go through to see my baby and know that it had no chance of survival.
My doctor immediately came in and without so much as an apology or ceremony said "It's gotta go". They offered the shot/pill to help me expel the baby on my own, but she doubted that would work bc the baby was doing so well. I told her I would rather do the surgery than to have the process linger. They were glad that I chose that option as they were very concerned that I would rupture and bleed out. Within an hour, I was at the hospital being prepped for surgery. I had my dad pick up my kids from school, my husband was on a business trip and my mother was working, so at that moment I was dealing with everything alone. Which was even harder. My mother came immediately after she got relief at work and made it in time to wait for me in recovery. The next day I consulted with the doctor to find out what had happened. She told me that she had to remove my left tube, but the right looked good and wouldn't affect my fertility.
I think I've been holding up pretty well, I've been recuperating at home alone. And today it finally hit me. I miss my baby. Once you have that feeling and you lose your baby, you feel so empty. Being a mother of three, seeing my baby on the screen and know in the few hours that she would die (yes I was 100% sure it was a she), is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Even though this baby was a surprise, it made me realize how wanted she was. The thought of trying again has me depressed and wary. I will be 35 next year, (my birthday is at the end of this month and anniversary is tomorrow), so I feel like everything is working against me...especially with having one tube. I also want to follow the Chinese gender calendar (it's been right every time) which takes some months out of contention for TTC. I have had three MCs before, but all before my children, but having one after you have kids is just a whole other animal...at least for me. On top of all these emotions and trying to cope, I miss my kids, no one I worked with knew I was pregnant, so I'm being inundated with calls and emails that I really just don't feel like dealing with. I realized today that I needed to reach out to those who have had similar experiences that I have and get some support. I hope to be as much comfort to you all as you have been for me in reading your stories.
My doctor immediately came in and without so much as an apology or ceremony said "It's gotta go". They offered the shot/pill to help me expel the baby on my own, but she doubted that would work bc the baby was doing so well. I told her I would rather do the surgery than to have the process linger. They were glad that I chose that option as they were very concerned that I would rupture and bleed out. Within an hour, I was at the hospital being prepped for surgery. I had my dad pick up my kids from school, my husband was on a business trip and my mother was working, so at that moment I was dealing with everything alone. Which was even harder. My mother came immediately after she got relief at work and made it in time to wait for me in recovery. The next day I consulted with the doctor to find out what had happened. She told me that she had to remove my left tube, but the right looked good and wouldn't affect my fertility.
I think I've been holding up pretty well, I've been recuperating at home alone. And today it finally hit me. I miss my baby. Once you have that feeling and you lose your baby, you feel so empty. Being a mother of three, seeing my baby on the screen and know in the few hours that she would die (yes I was 100% sure it was a she), is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Even though this baby was a surprise, it made me realize how wanted she was. The thought of trying again has me depressed and wary. I will be 35 next year, (my birthday is at the end of this month and anniversary is tomorrow), so I feel like everything is working against me...especially with having one tube. I also want to follow the Chinese gender calendar (it's been right every time) which takes some months out of contention for TTC. I have had three MCs before, but all before my children, but having one after you have kids is just a whole other animal...at least for me. On top of all these emotions and trying to cope, I miss my kids, no one I worked with knew I was pregnant, so I'm being inundated with calls and emails that I really just don't feel like dealing with. I realized today that I needed to reach out to those who have had similar experiences that I have and get some support. I hope to be as much comfort to you all as you have been for me in reading your stories.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Super Sad... And it's Sinking in...
DS born 04/25/2012