Confused on having children

Ashley16LT · October 2013

Hello, I'm new to posting so play nice.

Let me tell you a little about myself first. I am the youngest of 6. All of my brothers and sisters are a lot older than me. My oldest brother had his first child when he was 18, so I became an aunt at the age of 4! I have 11 nieces and nephews. So I grew up with lots of kids around me. And I've always enjoyed them! I've always pictured myself being a mom. After my husband and I got married about a year and half ago, I had a bad case of baby fever. It drove my husband nuts to hear me go on and on about babies. We both agreed that we wanted children. But certain things had to come first before we could try. Things like a house, better paying jobs, buying family cars...etc.

Well now, I'm feeling completely different. I recently left my job of 4 years as a preschool teacher. And after leaving such a stressful job and coming out on the other side, I am questioning if I want kids after all?! Being a preschool teacher was never my calling but I did it because its what I know. In those 4 years of working in childcare, I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly...and the REALLY UGLY. It was hard. And I knew it would be. That strong desire to have my own child is now gone. Like a light switch just went off. I've never felt this way before. Not only were the kids a challenge, but the parents were just as much trouble. I saw that these parents acted like just because they have a child, they were automatically entitled to anything they please. I don't want to be THAT kind of parent. I don't want to be the parent that barks or demands or expects special treatment. Or belittle someone who isn't a parent by saying "You just don't know true love until you have your own." My family has always told me "Its different with your own kid." But what does that mean? Does it mean I will become more tolerant of the fit throwing and screaming just because its MY child doing it? Idk. I'm just left now feeling so confused. I have told my husband all of my feelings. And now HE is the one with baby fever. He makes little comments here and there that he is ready for a child, and when I tell him I'm not he just rolls his eyes at me. I guess working in childcare has kind of scared me. And I tend to over think things. I'm just scared of not being able to handle my own kids. And I'm scared of being THAT parent that constantly has to throw a fit (like their children) to get their way. Has anyone else felt this way? Gone from one extreme to another? Hopefully with time, I will get that desire back to be a mom. If I'm missing the idea of a baby already, maybe there is hope?

ks3pink · October 2013

Having a kid of your own is very different from dealing with other people's kids. I personally don't care for other people's children but I love my three and spending time with them like nothing else in the world. I know thatau be hard to understand but it's true.

You and your husband need to be in agreement before ttc so sit down and have a talk about it. List the pros and cons. It sounds like you are fairly young and if so there is no need to rush, do some adult activities and enjoy this time together, then start your family. No need to rush.

jnnfrrose6 · October 2013

As annoying as it can be to hear, it is different with your own kids. Also, it probably will make you more tolerant of other people's kids when they have a melt down. At some point, we've all had "that kid" who is overtired and screaming and we know this isn't how the "normally" are, so you do become slightly more sympathetic when you see someone else going through it.

You've had some great insight being able to work in childcare. You have seen how other families choose to do things. You know how you don't want to be, and can be more aware of it when you are in that point. And no, it isn't true that just because you've had a child you are "entitled" to anything. That's got something more to do with the parents, and not actually having the kids.

Ultimately, you need to know you are ready for kids and have the conversation with your husband. You admitted yourself that you found the job to be "high-stress," so you probably need some time to decompress and come down from that experience.

bugandbibs · October 2013

If you don't want to be THAT parent, don't be. I would guess a lot of those people behaved poorly before they had kids.

gogadgetgo · October 2013

I love my kids. I like other kids. There are some kids I wouldn't want to be a parent to. Take your time and ttc when you're ready. Or feel more ready than you do now.

kcisthebombdotcom · October 2013

I've always been the person that never really liked kids. As a young adult I thought to myself I never wanted kids. Then one day someone flipped a switch and I was ready. I still don't really like other people's kids but adore my own. I have much more patience when my kid loses their shit (most of the time) than I would anyone else's kid. I think your reluctance means you're just not ready. That doesn't mean the feeling you have now will be the same as in another year or two.

CowgirlK39 · October 2013

I was one of those "extremes" your talked about. I worked in a pet store in college. It was located in a mall so it literally was the dumping ground for every kids whose parent wanted to get stuff done without them. I spent most of my day making sure annoying, unattended children didn't let birds and hamsters out all over the mall. I vowed to never ever have kids in my life. My mom laughed and said "as soon as you get married you will change your mind."

And here I am, on a pregnancy site, a year after marriage, praying for a BFP. I found that over time, my feelings turned from "no friggin way" to "no friggin way will I raise my kid like that!" I too have seen the bitchy, entitled, horrible moms and I vowed to never be that way. Even to this day there are some things I see but now I wonder "is that typical" instead of thinking how I hate kids. I think you should chat with yor DH about how you will raise your kids, what's important and what's not.

fsumom · October 2013

I am not going to sugarcoat it and say that your own child throwing a fit won't drive you crazy at times because I sure know my DD has driven me crazy on more than a handful of times. And I'm also not the most patient person so sometimes I probably don't handle situations like I should but I do think I learn a little each and every day about being a better parent. Parenting is one of the most difficult things there is to do but it can also be the most rewarding. I will say that I said I would never do this or I would never do that before having kids! Just throw that out the window right now (to a certain extent) because you should never say never!

AlanaB2010 · October 2013

I love this thread, and it echoes a lot of what I've heard - I think *most* people aren't "kid people" in that universal sense that they really love children, all children, other people's children. I was on the fence about having kids of my own for ages, but when I started talking to other women, including many mums, this was the resounding chorus. We hear a lot about baby crazy women, and we hear a lot about women who don't want kids and are sick (justifiably so) of hearing "so when will you have kids?". But I think most people fall somewhere in the middle - right on the fence. I agree that you should wait until you can get some distance and some peace from the nightmare preschool experience and see how you feel.

tweetyknicks · October 2013

As others have said, take a few months off to recharge. Being burned out on something makes anything related to it seem repulsive.

jasrun80 · October 2013

I agree, having a child not only changes everything in your world as well as teaches you a new love. I personally don't care much for kids, but damn do I love mine &&& I love parenting my style. you sound like a sweet & reasonable person and if you do decide to have a child, I'm guessing you'll be very sensitive to their teachers etc. what a great lesson! but, I also feel less baby fever during the first trimester, so if you do get pregnant--know that that time will pass & soon you'll be excited to start living as your new family. I feel like I sound bad saying I don't like kids, but what I really mean is that I'm not a huge kid person but I love mine & being a mom is hard yet fulfilling. I only had baby fever for this third pregnancy. I guess for me it was hormonal or click ticking? I don't know but maybe that's affecting you?

fsumom · October 2013

GhostMonkey said:

NellyBluth said:

@Kimbus22, two year olds are notorious assholes? I laughed right out loud at that. Mine is 19 months and just entering her true asshole phase.

I thought that too. I would take his 18 month assholishness over his 2 1/2 assholishness any day. And my understanding is 3 is worse. 3 is 2 with intent.

3 was worse than 2 and 4 was worse than 3. In all honesty, I think I struggled with ages 4-6 the most. It's when DD was the most sassy and boy did she test her limits! She's now 7 and still has her moments.

flamingo& · November 2013

It will be different dealing with your own kids as opposed to someone elses, and not just because you have a special love for them (which you will), but you'll be able to teach them the way you see fit. When you work with other people's children you have to "proceed with caution" because you will always have THAT parent who thinks their kid is a freakin' angel when they are a terror.

And all that coming from someone who is also a non-parent

Ashley16LT · November 2013

Thank you guys for the awesome advice! I LOVE hearing all of your thoughts and perspectives. This is still something that weighs on my mind every single day. But DH and I are in no rush. We are 25 and 24 now, so we still have some time before the clock starts to really tick. Its just the question isn't when anymore, its if. I guess that makes me a fence sitter. And I hate it. I'm still in shock over myself feeling this way. How could such a strong desire turn off so quickly? Maybe I do just need some time to separate the thought of kids being "work". DH and I have had little talks here and there about it. His ending thought/ response is always "Don't worry, you will want them again. You will get the desire back someday." Clearly we need to keep communicating and discussing every detail until we are sure one way or the other. We would never ttc unless we were both 100% on bringing a child into this world.

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