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Blended Families
+just+j+
member
Screw it. I engaged.
+just+j+
member
XH has been preaching and preaching how we need to get along for DD's sake. Like I'm the sole person creating issues. Yesterday morning I call at 9:30. No answer. I don't leave a message. XH calls back 30 minutes later:
XH: What's up?
Me: Can I talk to DD?
XH: (with a slight tone) She's not here.
Me: (confused but polite) Oooookay, Well call me when she is. Talk to you la....
XH: (with an attitude) Why are you being ugly?
Me: (forcing politeness but irritated) I'm not. Just calling to talk to DD. That's all.
XH: (still irritated) Well you could have talked to her last night but you were GONE. She's with R and R's daughter. Their shopping. I just got out of the shower and I'm going to town so I don't know when you'll talk to DD.
Me: (confused and a tad irritated) Excuse me??
XH: You didn't call last night. You were probably out running around with your sister!
Me: (forcing a politeness but very irritated) Well call me when she IS there. Thanks!
I hang up. And this was my mistake. I call him back. I'm pissed. I tell him that he is the one who keeps preaching how we should get along for DD's sake and here is attacking and accusing me. Practice what you preach. And off we go. He accuses of me of "running around" and then by the end of the conversation tells me I have no life. He accuses me of manipulating him and as it does everytime, he preaches about he doesn't care what I say, he's a good dad.
Classic narccisism and projection.
All because I caught him not spending time with his daughter on his weekend. He's pawned her off on someone else so he can go play pool and drink with his buddies.. Classic.
All I can do is make note of it and move on. I don't want to hear him cry about how he doesn't get to see his daughter much. Spend time with her on your weekend then.
I want to co-parent. I want to be nice. When I am - I get attacked. It's so f'd up. I'm tired of it.
I am not sure what to do tho on a few things. So this is my question. I talked to DD Friday at 4PM when he picked her up. I haven't talked to her since. Saturday night XH answered, but DD was tired and not in the mood to talk. Which is fine, but I don't like to go long without talking to her at least once day. XH knows this. I have not bothered to call her today. I'll pick her up at 6. Given how difficult XH is, and how I'm going to start just communicating thru text and email now as much as possible, should I also just stop calling on weekends she's with him? I want to talk to her, but I'm tired of the drama. I also don't want it used against me that I don't ever call - which I know he will do. Should I just give up on calling and spare the drama? Or keep calling and keep working on not engaging in stupid ass fights with him? Because I was guilty of that this weekend. I need to be able to control myself, and I'm not.
Thoughts?
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Screw it. I engaged.
I did respond like, "What?!? You just said...."
To him a life is having someone else in your life and a big social life. I choose not to date right now and heal, I don't go to bars, or get involved in drama. So yes. I have no life.
The argument that ensued was my fault because I should not have called him back. I admit that was stupid. It just irked me that he's constantly saying we need to get along and I felt immediately attacked when all I wanted to do was talk to DD. I didn't even react to her being with R except the "Oooookay" but I consciously said to myself it wasn't a big deal, don't make a big deal out of it.
She's 3. 4 in January. She sometimes XH she wants to talk to me, and he has.
I'm thinking I need to seriously cut back communication. I hate it, but I can go a weekend without calling. I'm sick of the same old crap. It's the same BS and it's infuriating. And pointless.
Would it help if you had an "appointed time" to call? For example, from 7:30 - 8:00 pm, right before bedtime? That way, you are not "catching," exH. If xH doesn't pick up, simply text xh to have DD phone you when she is available (even if it's the next day). Also, if you don't talk to dd in that time frame, it's on YOU. I do understand a parent not wanting to feel they should be available all weekend in case the other parent wants to talk to their DD / DS.
Obviously, the same appointed courtesy would be available to XH. He could pick a different time every day (ie if 7:30 did not work for him because he worked or usually went out at that time), but the idea would be the same.
Maybe we need to make it more formal, but I was doing that. I typically call at the same time. 9-10 in the morning or 6-7 in the evening. And once a day. If I didn't get a hold of them in the morning, he usually called or I would try again between 6-7. Ever since he's moved in with the girlfriend tho...that's not been the case. And we've fought every weekend he has her, since he's moved.
I used to call XH right before bed for DD to talk to him, but I stopped that. Now I just let him call and I try to be available. Most times he catches me. And if he misses us, I call right away when I notice the call but I do not go out of my way to make sure DD talks to him every day.
XH may be going thru something. Lately he's asked me if I've slept with anyone yet, he mentioned he's had dreams about me and a few other things that are reminiscent of missing me and/or our relationship. So maybe he's just testy because I show no interest and he's not entirely happy with the girlfriend. Maybe it's just his ego. And maybe some of it is just show or some other screwed up narcissistic head game, but it's getting tiring.
Oh, I remembered something else. He told me he would not be manipulated by me anymore. I laughed at him and said that to manipulate someone, you have to want or need something from that individual and I am not in that position whatsoever. More projection that I find laughable.
More reason for me to reduce our one on one contact. I tried. I can't say I didn't try.
I like it better this way because we not have to be available at any other time. We do not have to do things or allow a phone call to intrude on family time or a function we are doing. We can plan for it. And if the parent does not call, it's on them. The offer stands. Take it or leave it. If BM could call whenever, it would drive me nuts, honestly.
By the same token, if I only had a weekend with my child, it would REALLY grate on my nerves for the primary parent to be able to call anytime during such a limited span. I know your X doesn't think like the rest of us would about quality time with his DD. He seems to treat this more as a competition. The weekends he has with her are his "points," and I bet you having the freedom and likelihood of calling often during his time may seem like he is "losing" to him.
You know him better than anyone, though. So take that for what it is worth. Just a thought. But I think a specified time, our even more calling on his weekend at all, would benefit you both, and probably not be add detrimental to DD as it would be to you.
I agree you should stick to a specified time, better yet, if you have it spelled out in the CO. Try to limit a conversation with him to an exchange of two-three sentences/questions (that should be enough to see, if DD is available to talk or not) and beyond that say goodbye and hang up. If he starts about your social life or how you guys need to get along for DD's sake, end the conversation politely, but swiftly.
Don't let him bully you into having no contact with your DD, especially since you WANT contact with her when she's away. You can still have both - regular communication with DD and no drama at the same time. Don't let him make you choose.
I was just thinking that on the drive home Lavender. That maybe we set a time on Saturday. XH always calls right after pick up at daycare so I know he has her. And I appreciate that.
I just have to learn to shut my mouth. I never should have called him back.