How much of it is my job...

coopsbaby · October 2013

How responsible am I for "encouraging" a relationship with exH and my 16 year old dd? He never sees her or asks about her unless I push it. Background- we separated three years ago when I caught him cheating with a chick from high school that he reconnected with on facebook. We had been together 18 years (high school sweethearts). He and the girl and still together, he moved right in with her after leaving my house. ExH lives 30 minutes from us, but drives past our town on his way to work, and I've seen him in our town shopping and such since he lives in a very small town. The last time he saw dd was in August when she called and asked if he could buy her a pair of running shoes since she needed some for cross country and dh and I bought the rest of her gear and paid her fees. He picked her up, took her to buy shoes and brought her home. Before that he saw her briefly at our older dd's grad party in June, and before that was December when he took her to the mall and gave her $200 to spend. He never texts her, never calls her, never comes to her games or concerts unless I make a point of convincing him to go.

Anyway, at this point and at her age, how much of calling him and telling him what she has going on do I need to be doing? I don't have a problem with him being at things, and he and dh can be civil to eachother, but I feel like he should be able to get schedules and such by himself. I make sure he knows when she takes up a new sport or something, but do I have to spoonfeed him the schedule? Dd does NOT want him at anything ever, mostly because he's a real hugger, and dd has some sensory problems that make unasked for hugs very upsetting to her (exH knows this, but thinks dd needs to get over it.)

All schedules for school activies and the club soccer team are posted online, but he doesn't bother to check them. FWIW, he doesn't ever ask me about anything she's doing, and has never complained that I stopped calling him to give him schedules/updates etc. I just feel bad that dd has basically no relationship with him besides him buying her stuff, and I don't know if I should push it more. I used to be really good about sending him everything, but he always claimed to not check his email or see messages on facebook, and it just didn't seem worth my time to do it when he just doesn't care.

Oh, and as for our older kids he's no better, they are both away at college (ds21 and dd18) and he doesn't bother to ask to see them when they are in town. Their primary relationship is him "liking" their stuff on facebook. And dd is only a half an hour from his house, in the large city where he and his gf go out to supper all the time.

Thoughts? And thanks for reading, sorry it's so long!

ambrvan · October 2013

You have zero responsibility for that. You cannot force a relationship if he does not want it. But if he isn't, he should be paying child support.

You only need not impede it and need to support it should it begin to improve. If your DD wants to contact him, make sure she knows that is ok. Other than that, provide the live and support she needs on your part.

A co-worker of mine is going through the same thing. She divorced three years ago when he had a child or of wedlock when her kids were 13 and 15 and her X walked out of all of their lives.

CurlyQ284 · October 2013

I don't think its your responsibility at all.

How sad though. I don't understand guys who do this.

coopsbaby · October 2013

Thanks ambrvan. That was how I felt about it, but a few people recently told me I should be pushing for a relationship for them. I don't stop them from seeing him ever, he does not have scheduled visitation (he didn't want it, his schedule is just too difficult, gag), but it's in the court order that he can basically see her whenever he wants. He just never wants. It just makes my heart hurt for her that her dad doesn't give a crap.

Oh, and yes he pays child support. He's about 2grand behind right now, but he's working fulltime and I've been getting it plus back support for a few months now. And I go after him for every piddly medical/school/sports thing that he's responsible for 50% of. If he can't parent her, at least he can make sure she is physically taken care of.

coopsbaby · October 2013

CurlyQ284 said:

I don't think its your responsibility at all. How sad though. I don't understand guys who do this.

I don't either. He's the one missing out, they are awesome kids!

+just+j+ · October 2013

It's not your responsibility.

But it is your responsibility to monitor your daughter and make sure she is coping with her father's abandonment in a healthy way and give her the support she needs emotionally.

coopsbaby · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

It's not your responsibility.
But it is your responsibility to monitor your daughter and make sure she is coping with her father's abandonment in a healthy way and give her the support she needs emotionally.

Absolutely, both my girls have gotten therapy because of the divorce. Older dd has dealt with it much better than her sister though.

+just+j+ · October 2013

The only thing I think you should do is let him know that they've required therapy because of his actions. If you haven't already, and my guess is you have.

Really though, your girls are old enough to speak to him directly and tell him they want to see more of him.

coopsbaby · October 2013

+just+j+ said:

The only thing I think you should do is let him know that they've required therapy because of his actions. If you haven't already, and my guess is you have.
Really though, your girls are old enough to speak to him directly and tell him they want to see more of him.

Oh absolutely he knows. He even agreed to come to one of my older dd's therapy sessions, and then he "forgot."

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Ditto J. It is not your responsibility but you need to do what is right for your kids. If it is bothering your DD I think you should try as much as possible but I don't know if there is anything more to do. Have you flat out told him his DD misses him and wants to spend time with him and ask why he never wants to? If it were me and I had any questions that I could help things I would do that and then just focus on helping DD cope.

coopsbaby · October 2013

Littlejen22 said:

Ditto J. It is not your responsibility but you need to do what is right for your kids. If it is bothering your DD I think you should try as much as possible but I don't know if there is anything more to do. Have you flat out told him his DD misses him and wants to spend time with him and ask why he never wants to? If it were me and I had any questions that I could help things I would do that and then just focus on helping DD cope.

Yep, I've been telling him for years, and her older siblings have told him. He's ust so BUsy, busy, busy he doesn't have time he says. Of course, anytime dd goes on facebook she can see that her dad is logged on there. She points these things out all the time, all the things she sees he does on facebook. Yesterday she asked if she could set it so he doesn't show up on her page because she doesn't want to see what he does without her. I told her she could. I wouldn't want to see it either if I were her!

twister22 · October 2013

I will echo PPs and also say that it is not your responsibility. You can't force him to be a good dad, and if he wanted to step up, he would have. I'm sorry for your DD's though

.

+just+j+ · October 2013

I feel so sorry for his kids. My heart breaks over this.

You're doing all the right things. Just keep being a good, supportive, loving mother. That's all you can do.

Wahoo · October 2013

I would worry less about what is "your job" and think about what works for DD. If it means a lot to her for her dad to be around, then I would make the phone calls, emails, etc. - whatever it takes. Because making my kid happy is part of my job - even if it makes an ex-spouse that I dislike look better than they are.

If it were me, I would try and find a solution that works for your DD given the less-than-ideal father that she has. If she doesn't like him coming to her meets, but if he comes to your town for dinner all the time, you/she can arrange for them to meet to eat. If he is not that great on the phone or in person, maybe they can chat via text. Or FB chat.

One thing that stands out - - you say he pays child support and 1/2 of extra-curricular costs. Why did she call him for her sneakers? If it was something he is supposed to pay for 1/2 of, even if he was behind, that is something you should discuss with him. If this was a $200 "extra," then I think she should update him periodically on her meets ("Our team came in 1st place" ("I had my personal best time today") (or whatever activity the money was used for), via text or FB if that is how he communicates with her. That is what I would expect my children to do if their grandparents or even a stranger paid for a $200 item for them (ie some of our sports teams have local businesses as sponsors). Even though he is her dad, if that is not included in his financial responsibilities, she needs to take the initiative and treat him with courtesy and not just like an ATM.

ambrvan · October 2013

I must have missed that part. I still stands by what I said earlier. However, considering the money part, I would not want my child asking the other parent for money if the other parent is not involved, whether child' s choice or parent's choice. I would want them to pay their COed CS and then as the parent I might ask them for help with other expenses. But I would not let the child ask. If BD chose to help, I would let child know and urge her to contact him in thanks.

Other than that, I still feel you have no obligation to keep him updated with schedules and such. He is a big boy and should be able to do that himself. I bet if it was something for himself, he could figure it out.

coopsbaby · October 2013

wendilea said:

Even though he is her dad, if that is not included in his financial responsibilities, she needs to take the initiative and treat him with courtesy and not just like an ATM.

Amen to this! The very few times the SK's have called DH they wanted money. Any other time he initiates phone calls, text messages, FB chats.

I didn't even think of it that way, and you're right. I do NOT want her to think of him as just an ATM, and I should be doing the money thing, not her. I guess I was thinking it was better for her to have some contact with her dad, and he responds to her and generally ignores calls and texts from me, but it's my job and not hers and I won't have her go between with money issues anymore. I do make her thank him anytime he pays for something, and be courteous and all of that.

This is why I came to you guys. It's good to get an outside perspective on things

About the shoes. How we divide our extracurriculars is instead of him giving me money for half, he purchases some things on his own. So for example, she's doing the high school musical this year, I just paid her participation fee and he will purchase the tshirt. He prefers not to give me money, but rather buy things for her outright and it seems to work for us. It is in our court order that he pays for half of all equipment and incurred costs for any extracurriculars, so he bought the sneakers- just some cheap running shoes, not competition spikes or anything- and I bought her stopwatch, water bottle, and workout gear (which was way more than the shoes, but that's fine.)

I'll start encouraging her to text him a picture from her meets and such now and then. They communicate almost solely by text since she gets really uncomfortable around him in person. I want to encourage her to have at least some kind of relationship with him, but I don't want to push for more than she is comfortable with either. I just want her to feel loved and valued by both of her parents, but I can't make that happen if her dad won't step up.

Thanks so much guys, I knew you'd be straight with me!

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