Relationship with Husband

TashnBabii · October 2013

Hi ladies! I just wanted to see if anyone else has been through this before. I am a FTM and I had my son on October 3 at 12:58 am. Ever since I had my son, I feel like my husband and I grew apart. Before baby's arrival, I have been close to my husband, as I considered him my best friend. Now that the baby's born, I feel like we are strangers. He sleeps in a separate room (because he wakes up for work at 4 am), and I feel like I'm the one who takes care of our son. Granted, I am BFing, but Pump a lot and feed baby through a bottle. That being said, there's little reason why he can't help me out once in a while. I'm usually the one who wakes up (stays awake) at night with the baby while hubby sleeps. I understand I don't work right now and he does, but com'on! I feel like he barely even holds his son. I'm on the verge of tears, and I haven't told him about how to feel yet, but I am planning on telling him eventually. Has anyone else been through this? I don't feel like we have a bad or unhealthy relationship. In fact, he is extremely gentleman-like, but lately I've been very sad about this.

thedash · October 2013

Sounds like normal newborn adjustment for both of you, but yes he should be helping you with LO. It takes a while to reconnect after having a baby. He may not know how to help you or if you want him to. It can seem to husbands that we have our own little groove with LO and they don't want to interfere.

Don't get upset with him. Some of that is probably hormones. But try to calmly ask him for help with specific things like bottle feedings or maybe night wakings on the weekends. Tell him you want to get back to being a team and working together to care for LO!

Traash · October 2013

This can be so very normal with a new baby. It does get better. You are both adjusting to something very life changing.

It does suck-I agree-my son was born Oct 6 th and my husband and I are in a similar situation.

Try to make time for each other in the evenings when baby is settled. Even if it's just to watch tv and eat some junk food together in bed.

The best advice overall that I can give you is to take some deep breaths and realize that this is normal for many relationships. It WILL pass.

Good luck and congratulations on the new baby.

erbear · October 2013

I got up with mine all night because 1) I was breastfeeding and there was nothing he could do and 2) he was working and I wasn't. It seemed fair.

Your relationship is going to change for a while. Keep working at it! Having a newbie is hard and takes some adjustment,

EmR22 · October 2013

I say try and talk to him about it. My DH does not like newborns and with our first he felt clueless on how to take care of her. So I took care of her 95% of the time but then he would fold laundry, do dishes and make dinners so he helped in his own way. It was hard for him to admit he didn't like the newborn stage. Make no mistake he loved his daughter he just couldn't read her cues and that frustrated him. My kids are FF and although I am a stay at home mom we work it so he goes to bed as early as he wants and takes the first feeding of the night--unless it's within an hour of when he has to get up for work. I think you need to let DH know how you are feeling. He may just not know how or where to jump in to help. Hang in there. Change is hard but you will come out the other side.

Weljadraak · October 2013

You do work!! I guarantee if your H stayed with baby for just ONE day (maybe even less) he would see how hard it is. "Stay at home" only sounds easy but it's soo much multitasking and spreading thin on top of running on zombie level (I don't know about you, but I haven' gotten a full sleep cycle (deep sleep!!) in almost 3 weeks). Persevere, girl.

TashnBabii · October 2013

Weljadraak said:

You do work!! I guarantee if your H stayed with baby for just ONE day (maybe even less) he would see how hard it is. "Stay at home" only sounds easy but it's soo much multitasking and spreading thin on top of running on zombie level (I don't know about you, but I haven' gotten a full sleep cycle (deep sleep!!) in almost 3 weeks). Persevere, girl.

I agree. I haven't gotten deep sleep since baby's been born, which was 2 weeks ago.

jmo866 · October 2013

I agree with the other girls, it is so totally normal. However, that doesn't make it suck any less. It will pass though. If you want to talk to him about it, then do so, don't keep it in. He might not understand, because all the hormonal stuff isn't something they can always grasp, plus sleep deprivation -- your body and mind are taking a toll on you these days! It is often hard for men to bond the way we do in the newborn stage, but as your LO gets older it will get better. Now with our second, we are in a similar place, but he is the one to take care of DS #1 because I am doing the BFing thing and so DS #2 needs me a ton. I promise it will get better with time. I was so resentful and felt lonely, upset etc. with DS #1, exactly how you are feeling. Now my H is the best dad and is best buddies with our older son, and I know it will be the same once our little guy gets a bit older. Hang in there, you can do it!

Carnation77 · October 2013

We went through that. I moved back in our master bedroom along with DS, and I pump so DH can feed DS a bottle every night when he gets home. DH also gives him his baths. On weekends DH will change DS's diaper at 5:30 am then bring him back to me for a feeding. That way DH can bond with DS when DS isn't fussy. Try to find ways for them to spend quality time together.

rayandbrit · October 2013

I agree with all the PPs, you're still in "survival mode." There's no schedule, no rhyme or reason, your hormones are all over the place, you're sleep deprived, and your whole life is changing- that's a lot to take on alone! As a few others have said, the newborn stage doesn't come naturally to a lot of Men. My H is happy to help out when I ask, he just doesn't think of it on his own, which can be frustrating. I am horrible at asking for help, and am still working on it 3 kids later!

Just know it DOES get better. The craziness you're in right now is such a small window of time, each day & week that passes you will find a rhythm with all 3 of you. Make sure you keep pushing for your H's help, it's important that he shares the responsibility & "teaching" him now will help it to become more natural as your LO gets older.

Hang in there! Just like marriage before baby, it's constant negotiation & finding the balance that works best for your family. An outing alone can do wonders for everybody, whether it's a walk around the block, running to grab milk from the store, or just driving around aimlessly listening it music. Your leaving will give you a break & it will give your H time to learn how to take care of LO w/out feeling like you're watching, everyone wins!

sfeebs13 · October 2013

I felt like this a little bit too but we are all, even still, adjusting. We are all learning about each other and growing with one another. We are learning how to be 3 instead of two but not forgetting we started as 2 in the first place.
It's complicated but I think you should not be so hard on yourself. Especially since your LO was just born everyone needs time to adjust. I am a believer that things will sort themselves out as they should.

vrj0522 · October 2013

If I didn't know any better, I would think I was reading what I had written when LO was a newborn. It was soooo hard! And I felt alone at it. It's normal. It's going to take time for your hormones to adjust. Give yourself a break and give hubby a break. He might not know how to help you or baby. He is probably not aware of how much you need him right now or he might just be to afraid of it.

This is what really helped us: We assigned some tasks. There were things that he started doing consistently and other times I specifically asked him for his help. If you need help with something, tell him exactly what you need him to do. When you have your talk with him, set the expectation that you will be doing so, that way you don't feel like you are always asking for help and he might be getting annoyed, and he also understands where all these requests are coming from.

Our LO always slept inside his crib so we didn't have the room sharing issue but for your marriage's sake, I suggest getting hubby back in the room as soon as possible. Whether it's a week or a few months, but try to move baby to their own room as soon as you can so that your husband can be there with you. It's important to the relationship.

Also, be patient with him and with yourself. You are at the hardest time. It will get better I promise, but they way you treat each other during this very difficult time can make all the difference in whether you relationship becomes stronger or weaker.

I also suggest two more big things... one, get some "me" time asap. Whether by having him stay with LO for an hour or two while you just go out and do whatever you want, even if it's something as simple as going for a walk or going to the grocery store. The other is get some sleep. Have a family member, friend or babysitter you trust come to your house and watch the baby for 3 hours while you take a nap. You need to recover physically before you will start feeling better mentally. You've been through a lot and it's essential to your role as a mother and wife to recover. You will be tired for many months to come but you need to recover from the birth and it doesn't sound to me like you have.

I think I was borderline depressed and it was from how extremely tired I was. It really can push someone into depression. Let DH know this and see how he can support you so that you can get away for a little while and you can get more rest. GL!

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