My Saga

Kaki8 · October 2013

I have been reading your stories for more than a week. It has given me some comfort to read the stories of others and to know that I am not alone. I thought I would share my story or ongoing saga as I call it.

I got my first BFP on my birthday, making it the BEST birthday I have ever had. In short, I had low progesterone at 6 weeks and my ultrasound showed a low heart rate. By 8 weeks I noticed some spotting and my ultrasound showed no heartbeat. Given my options, I decided to “wait” and allow things to happen naturally. After 2 weeks of anticipation and no results, I decided to take the medication. The physical and emotional pain of it was awful. During my follow up ultra sound my doctor noticed some “material” left in my uterus, but was hopeful that it would work itself out.

At my follow up yesterday, it was noted that my hormone level was not decreasing as the doctor anticipated and there is still material left in my uterus. I had more labs drawn, but have to wait until Monday to find out the results, which will determine my next course of treatment.

I am trying to remain positive, but at this point I’m tired, mentally, physically and emotionally. I want my routine back. I want to press onward, not forgetting, but at least continuing forward. Instead, I am planning more phone calls, doctor’s appointments, another ultrasound and potential D & C. I'm hopeful for good news on Monday...

libby+nate · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. FX you get the news you are hoping for Monday. After my D&C it helped me a lot in my emotional healing to be able to move forward. Best wishes for you!

shocked77 · October 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was reluctant to get the D&c. I tend to take a let nature take its course approach. But I let my Ob talk me into it. I am glad I went this way. I feel like its clearly over and each day I can move on a little more. Hoping you start to feel a little return to normal next week

Kaki8 · October 2013

Thank you for your good wishes. Part of me wishes I had the D and C. Since I can't change anything that has occurred over the last 6 weeks, I am just trying to focus on the positives and I have used my normal workaholic behavior to keep me busy. This weekend it has become increasingly more difficult as I was hopeful it would be "over" at my follow up appointment on Friday. I'm hoping that running for the first time in 2 weeks tomorrow will help to clear my mind and get me through to Monday. I feel like I am trapped on an emotional roller-coaster.

Frenchteachermama · October 2013

Your story is very similar to mine. Drugs on 8/14 and eventually a D&C on 9/24. I didn't want to have the surgery either, but just like you I wanted to stop the "not knowing" and "is it all gone feelings"...I'm still suffering since I haven't gotten my first AF yet but I am also trying to focus on other things and remain positive. It's so hard. I like to run too and that has really helped me. FX that your body took care of it this week and you can begin to heal and move on from here. It's such a hard thing to go through and you are not alone.

alm288 · October 2013

I'm sorry for your loss and that you are on this board. It is certainly a rough time. I had a d&c - wasn't really optional for me - but am glad I had it. I don't have to spend weeks waiting for my body to heal on its own. I am recovering quickly physically and that is helping me to move on mentally and heal. I wish you a good visit on Monday and all the best! Don't be afraid to ask questions or look for support here. There are some pretty awesome woman around here. *hugs*

Kristalina · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are able to get what you need this week so you can start healing.

Kaki8 · October 2013

@Frenchteachermama - thank you. I'm sorry to hear that you are also struggling. I am finding it hard to think of much other than what is going on, especially now that it is impacting my health. The unknown is leaving me very anxious and unsettled. I was able to run today (slow, but at least I was outside running), but I continue to have discomfort in my low abdominal region, especially post activity. The doctor seemed concerned about this as it has been 2 weeks since I took the medication, but encouraged me to try to return to my "normal" activities. It seems to be getting better day by day, but not as quickly as I would like. I'm not sure if this is related to everything else going on. FX for you!

Kaki8 · October 2013

@alm288 and @Kristalina - thank you for your support.

megrae12 · October 2013

I am so sorry for your loss! I hope you get positive results at the doc today. My T & P's are with you. ((Hugs))

Frenchteachermama · October 2013

@Kaki8, did you have an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok? We moved the month before I found out I was expecting and my new doctor is nice but he's VERY laid back which wasn't working for me. I pushed him to give me another ultrasound and that when he saw the remaining tissue. And my beta levels had leveled out at 100. I was kind of annoyed that I had to ask to have one, I guess my feeling about it was right. I know doctors know what they are doing I just don't think it hurts to ask if you are worried something isn't right...we're women, we know everything

So, it's been 10 weeks since I took the meds and 5 weeks since my d&c...I can tell you that it has gotten a TINY bit easier. I am still OBSESSING over when I am going to get my period so we can start trying again, but I can go a few hours without thinking about it when before I felt like I couldn't go 5 minutes. It's so easy to fall into the "my life sucks" trap and to start noticing every little thing that other people have that I don't have. I'm really trying to focus on eating right, exercising, being a great teacher at my new job...and the most important, going for ladies night with girlfriends who are not pregnant and who can drink wine with me

Kaki8 · October 2013

@Frenchteachermama, Tomorrow will be my 3rd ultrasound since I took the medication. My last 2 were done at my doctor's office and were not read by a radiologist. Due to my symptoms, I am being sent for an official one tomorrow. The good news is my hormone level appears to be dropping. I am hopeful for good news and preparing myself for the not so good. I am very anxious about being in the "happy" waiting room again at the ultrasound place. I already have gathered some work to complete while I am there tomorrow in hopes to distract me.

I'm glad to hear it gets easier. Today was a particularly difficult day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

@megrae12 - thank you!

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