The Internal Battle Over One and Done — The Bump
One & Done: Only child

The Internal Battle Over One and Done

I have been stalking this board a bit while I have continued to battle myself over being one and done.

My daughter is 3 1/2 and I always thought I wanted two.  DH has been a little more on the fence about it: not wild about having another, but not upset if it happens either.  I knew that if I had another, I'd want at least three years between them.  I am 32 and DH is 40, so I think the older we get the more on the fence we are, but still not a dealbreaker.  I loved the infant and toddler stage, and there are things that I love about the preschool age, but some things I could do without.  I'm really not sure if I want another or not, and I'm not expecting this board to influence me one way or another, but just need to express this.

Everytime one of my friends gets pregnant, I feel that pang of envy.  I love being around babies and would love to have a baby, but at the same time I don't feel like someone is "missing" from my family.  I had a great pregnancy and delivery and wouldn't mind experiencing it again.  However, I also love that I get one-on-one time with my daughter and pooling all my resources toward her.  I think she is terrific and why mess with perfection?  I haven't talked to either of our families about this, but I'm surrounded by families with two or more kids.  I wouldn't have any comraderie if we are one-and-done, and it sounds like that will be hard, as I hear a lot of (typically false) comments about one-and-done.  The worst was "You aren't really a parent until you have more than one child."  WHAT???  My parents came from large families and have two kids.  DH comes from a blended family, but has one sister who won't have kids.  I'm not sure my sister will have kids either, but growing up I had tons of cousins and great, memorable holiday get togethers.  I'm a bit sad that my daughter won't have that, whether we have another or not.  I really value family, my husband values extended family, but didn't have a great experience with his immediate family.

I almost wish this decision could be made for me!  Whether that was secondary infertility or a happy accident, I think I'd be fine either way.  Does anyone else feel that way?  In fact, I felt I was ready to be pregnant with our first when I decided that either with a child or without, I'd live a happy life. 

University of Kansas alum Geoff Folker applies food coloring to his snow sculpture at his home on Park Street in Olathe, Kan., on Sunday, March 24, 2013.  A storm that dumped up to 15 inches of snow on parts of Colorado and Kansas is making its way east, with winter storm warnings and advisories issued for today and tomorrow as far east as Pennsylvania. (AP Photo/The Kansas City Star, John Sleezer)

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Re: The Internal Battle Over One and Done

  • Ago said:

    "You aren't really a parent until you have more than one child."

    What the...?! This is so beyond rude and offensive, I can't even deal. I feel like sometimes people say this kind of thing to make themselves feel better - like I think I'm working harder than you, so my experience is more meaningful. My daughter is only seven weeks old, but I'm One and Done for some of the reasons you mentioned above. I want to give her undivided attention, pool all of our resources to provide her the kind of childhood I had, and, of course, why mess with perfection :) My fiance is less convinced, but I really do feel like it's the best decision for us.
  • I think a lot of people are conflicted about this. I call it "wanting to want;" I don't actually want a second, but I wish I did because I like the idea of my child having a sibling. But I just know my limits, and my DH's limits, and I know it's just not a good time right now. I'm not sure it'll ever be the right time, but I can only make decisions based on how I feel today.
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  • Yeah, I've heard that comment before.  It's very rude.  I always want to reply "You're not a real parent until you have a real child." Duh.

    DS just randomly brought the subject up again about wanting a little brother (like I can guarantee that the second would be a boy).   I think he would be a great big brother and enjoy "bossing" his younger sibling around (because I know his personality ;-) but I would be a very unhappy mom.  Like pp posted mentioned, I know my limits.  You have to do what works for you.


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  • Hi there.  I guess the decision was made for me medicially but that being said if I "really" wanted a second I could pursue adoption.  That is why I say I was OAD not but choice at first and then it became a choice once we discussed adoption.  Hope that makes sense!  I hate the you are not a parent until you have two!  But I joke all the time with my friends about being a hobby parent, there is a comedy skit on the web about it and it is funny.  I also brag about how lovely it is to be a parent to an only child and all the leisure time I enjoy. Why not because they are often times being a martyr about how difficult they have it so I like to rub it in more instead of defending myself.
  • but mostly envy in that they have sorted out this internal struggle that I seem to constantly be battling. I just don't KNOW if I want another, and I can't make up my mind! I wish I could find inner peace.
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