About to try Ferber

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · October 2013

My husband and I are exhausted and are barely functioning with our 8 month old's habit of waking up anywhere from 5-10 times per night! She used to be a decent sleeper, but the past month or two have been really rough. We have been putting off sleep training because we moved, and wanted her to get adjusted, then she had an ear infection, so we waited for that to clear up.. but now she is healthy and we are out of excuses. I bought the Ferber book and have the chart, we are going to try the graduated extinction. I know that it is going to be heartbreaking to hear her cries, but I have heard from so many that it works and will be worth it in the end. Please wish us luck!

Appreciate any words of advice or comments from other parents who have tried this method.

Pitterpatter44 · October 2013

We have not tried it yet, but just wanted to tell you good luck and I hope it works for you!!

rdbanks · October 2013

We started and ended last week:) I thought I was ready, but evidently I wasn't. I had a hard time leaving my LO crying every time I left the room. Totally heart breaking!

I think I need a bit more time (and probably less sleep--DS gets up twice a night for10-15 mins--really not that bad). I hear that it can work wonders...but as a pp said, it is key to stay consistent...and make sure youre ready:)

Good luck!

cassied7 · October 2013

I agree with staying consistent. My LO was waking every hour for months. I say this with the risk of being scrutinized, but by the time we tried CIO, it was less stressful listening to him cry until extinction then to wake up 10 times a night. AND it works. You will still have good nights and bad nights, but my LO on a good night only wakes once. I will take that anyday over me and LO being sleep deprived. Good luck. You can do it!

BigPoppa22 · October 2013

Do it! I will echo your friends who had good experiences. We are on night 6 right now!

Our son slept in our room in a PnP, sleeping through the night all through month 3 and month 4. Around the last week of month 4, he went through a sleep regression and we allowed him to form bad habits. He ended up sleeping in our bed and screaming his head off if we tried to make him sleep in the PnP. So, he slept in our bed for 5-6 weeks. Not ideal, he slept better but my wife and I did not, as he tossed and turned all night and made noise, and took up valuable space. So we got the book, read it, and got started Saturday night. We decided to move him to the other room, into his crib, and without a pacifier. May as well do everything at once!

I will admit, the crying is heart breaking. I had to start the first night while my wife was away at work because she couldn't handle it! When I kissed my son goodnight I felt like I was saying goodbye forever or something lol.

First night - He cried for 36 minutes, I checked in at the proper intervals and gave him some words of encouragement and a few pats on the head and back. This was VERY tough. He was screaming, face and bed soaked with tears. I was pretty sure he was going to vomit, he did once before from crying too much, but thankfully did not. He hyperventilated for the last 15 minutes and when he fell asleep at that 36 minute mark he was still hyperventilating a bit in his sleep. He woke up at 2 am and it took 45 minutes to fall asleep. Took longer, obviously, he screamed just as hard but less tears and no hyperventilating. No pacifier for either crying session.

Second day - Nap time, not fun. Stayed awake, crying a little and playing a little for 30 min, so as the book suggested, I decided to skip the nap. 5 minutes later he is showing major sleep cues, so I try again. Cried for 30 minutes and I caved in - gave him the pacifier and he fell asleep in 20 seconds. Mind you, we also have to put LO on his belly to sleep, on his back he will just pump his arms and legs crying.

Second night - He cried for 13 minutes (no pacifier) and fell asleep. Woke up at 3 or 4 am, tried letting him cry for 25 minutes, gave up and gave him the pacifier. Fell asleep 2-3 minutes later.

3rd day - Would not nap, crying for a full hour with DW, finally gave in and napped.

3rd night - Took 19 minutes to fall asleep (no pacifier). Zero crying. Woke up twice during the night, flipper him on his tummy, gave the pacifier, he cried 5 minutes and went to sleep.

4th night and 5th night - cried a little bit, on and off, for 5-10 minutes (no pacifier) and went to sleep. Same deal overnight, woke up once, popped the paci in, went back to sleep.

4th and 5th day - cried some naps and not others, just a few minutes, and used pacifier for all.

6th night (tonight) - put him down for the night, he whimpered a minute or two, fell asleep.

So basically, I gave in and decided to use a pacifier, but not using it for the initial sleep I feel like he is not 100% relying on it and I can wean any time in the future when his sleep has totally stabilized. He is only 6.5 months, a pacifier is not the end of the world and during the day he only uses it 2-3 times for a few minutes.

So, that's our story. Very happy we moved him out of our room and allowed him to learn how to self soothe and fall asleep.

I would focus on the 15 points he makes later in the chapter, to keep in mind... mainly these 3: 1) You are not doing this for YOUR convenience, you are doing it for HER health. Inadequate sleep affects growth and learning. 2) Babies do not suffer any mental anguish, duress, or long lasting psychological damage or fear of abandonment from this method and all of the crying. They just don't. and finally 3) Remember your LO is just a baby and it is YOUR job to make responsible decisions for her, even if she doesn't like it. I believe that Ferber's example was a knife but a nicer one - if you gave your daughter ice cream every night and then decided that probably isn't too healthy and you decided to stop, of course she would scream her head off. She wouldn't like it. But you know you are doing the right thing.

Anyway sorry for writing a novel, hope this helps!

SarahandSam2007 · October 2013

It's so hard to be sleep deprived. It's torture. That being said there ARE alternatives to CIO. I personally think its valuable to explore ideas such as those this woman presents-and to have a firm idea of normal infant sleep (which she addresses in her blog but maybe not in this particular post). I personally believe that it is so dang hard to hear your baby CIO because its inherently wrong and disrespectful to a child as a human. I wouldn't let my gramma cry alone in a dark room. Why would I do that to my son who isn't capable of understanding what's happening? Our children might be "just babies" but they deserve our respect as fellow humans.
https://evolutionaryparenting.com/gentle-sleep-resources/

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · October 2013

Thank you all for the feedback and encouragement.

Right now she is completely dependent on the pacifier to fall asleep and stay asleep. When she wakes up at night , one of us has to run to her room and put the pacifier back in her mouth. She goes right back to sleep, but we know that we've created a terrible habit, and now we are slaves to the pacifier. We're going to go cold turkey on the pacifier at night. My question is, should we cut it out completely, including during daytime naps to stay consistent? Ugh, I am dreading this, but I am also just eager to get started and get it over with!

BigPoppa22 · October 2013

Might need to be cold turkey with the pacifier. I think the "sometimes" pacifier only work with my LO because he is not so dependent on it.

dkny155 · October 2013

I tried to do the CIO for one night and I couldn't take the crying. I just go the book no cry sleep solution. Going to try this. Hopefully it works! Good luck to you

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

Good luck! as far as the pacifier, you might need to go cold turkey. We gave our LO a "love" (never had to Ferber. its just one of those mini blankets with an animal head on it) after we left for a couple days and she started going through major separation anxiety with me (dad could put her down and she was fine but if mommy did, she flipped out). Now she gets excited when she sees her "sleepy time monkey" and rubs it on her face a little and kisses it. She associates it with sleep, and it's there if she wakes up and needs it. She also likes to suck her thumb and "grab" onto the soft part of the monkey, and that seems to be soothing when she needs it

princessbmw · October 2013

We were in the same situation as you. We used Ferber and saw immediate improvement. Stay strong and be consistent, otherwise the crying will have been in vain. The longest DS cried was 45 minutes. It helped I I busied myself so I wouldn't focus on him crying.
We did naps after we had gotten night time down.
Good luck...I know it's tough but it'll be worth it!

=Lee=B · October 2013

As much as babe is perfectly healthy now...she is also likely in the 8month wonder week which makes it hard for babies to sleep. The world has opened up in a whole new way at this stage and they are processing it. I would google Wonder Weeks.

Anyways, just thought I'd point out that there may be a very good reason for her wake ups. I also second that there are many other ways to get baby to sleep better than CIO if you are interested in a more baby friendly way!

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · October 2013

I'm a big fan of the Wonder Weeks, I actually have the app on my phone. I have wanted to be very careful not to try sleep training when there may be an underlying issue, however this sleep problem of constant night wakings has been going on for a couple of months, so I don't attribute it to a WW.

I appreciate that there are other methods than 'CIO', however nothing else that we've tried has worked, and we are at our wit's end. I would never just leave my baby alone to cry endlessly, but I believe that the graduated extinction approach sounds reasonable. It's going to be miserable for everyone involved, but we've made the decision to move forward because we believe that it will be better for everyone's health and well-being in the long-run.

avh0630 · October 2013

I tried it and it worked with my first son, however we did not take the pacifier away. Simply learning to fall asleep on his own really helped his overall sleep. The final thing that helped was him learning to put the paci in his own mouth which was right around 8 months. We actually lined the crib with pacis so he could always find one if he needed it. Good luck!

kellyrn9956 · October 2013

For some, it works. For us...what a disaster! You need to realize that the crying CAN go on for hours. It can include such things as vomiting, tearing off clothes, banging the head against the crib bars, etc. My son has a pretty easygoing personality. I knew it might be tough but thought it would work. Holy hell. An ending note. Past dark, you can't even take my son around his nursery. He panics. This is after only two days of Ferber. This is not everyone's experience, but it was ours. Ferber set us back, and it was a good three weeks before bedtime was not a total panic and struggle. We're back to bedsharing and I will never ferber again.

honeydew01 · October 2013

We did it at 5.5 months and it worked wonders for us. Previous to training, it took 4 hours to put her to sleep and all naps were taken on me...Like you our DD was waking up MANY times. Sometimes literally every 45 minutes. She was exhausted and cranky during the day and I was too. It was not easy. Before the day we started training, I had never let her cry. I did a lot of research, for months actually and if you asked me previously I'd have said that I'd never do this with my DD. In fact it's safe to say when I was pregnant and heard about CIO I automatically had this judgmental view in my head..how could parents do this...I never in a million years imagined that I'll be doing it as well. After weighing our options, it seemed like the best for all involved.

My DD has a very stubborn personality. She definitely likes things her way or not at all. I mean she decided at 8 weeks that she'll refuse bottles and never took them again. I was worried that the training wouldn't work for us. That she'd cry for HOURS and then hate me the next day or hate her room or sleeping. None of that turned out to be true. The longest she has ever cried was 40 minutes. The day after she actually greeted me with a smile! She has been so much happier and rested and so am I. I didn't stop MOTN feedings though. If it had been longer than 4 hours I fed her..I didn't expect her to sleep 10-12 hours. I just wanted her to learn to put herself to sleep. She associated sleeping with a boob in her mouth and rocking. So every time she woke up and she wasn't being rocked she'd freak out immediately. After the training we nurse, cuddle, hug and kiss and I put her down awake/drowsy and she goes to sleep.

We did try the No Cry Sleep solution book but it didn't work for us. I think the association between sleep and being rocked/boob in the mouth was so strong that it had to be broken all together...breaking the habit/association slowly did not work..

This is not to say that sleep training will fix all the sleep issues. There will be teething, colds, regressions and other developmental stages that will interrupt sleep throughout the first year or so, so I'd say have realistic expectations. DD still wakes up 2-3 times for MOTN feeds and when she is sick, I hold her if needed...we've had to do sleep training refreshers..

I read the Ferber book but also found these two blogs really helpful.
https://scienceofmom.com/best-of-the-blog/
https://troublesometots.com/

Just be consistent. And don't give up after the first night or two..then all that crying would have been for nothing. The first few nights are the worse. Do you have a supportive DH because I totally relied on me and don't know how I could have done it if he wasn't there. I have to tell you that our DD actually got it after the second night but then she regressed on day 5-8 (totally normal, read about it, it's called something regression, sorry I don't remember... don't give up when this happens and don't think that the training didn't work if this happens to you, just keep doing the same thing night after night). Once we got over this regression she was consistent and could put herself to sleep.

I hope this all makes sense. I'm typing from a mobile.
You can do this! Good luck!

CougFan · October 2013

www.troublesometots.com is a great resource...lots of info about pacifiers, naps and about both CIO (when to do it, when not to and how) and other methods.

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · October 2013

Hi everyone, here is our update:

We did end up going cold turkey on the pacifier. We still have it in her crib and have tried to show her how to put it in her own mouth, but she's not interested. We have not put the pacifier in at all. She seems to have transferred some associated comfort to her 'lamby', one of those mini-blankets with a lamb head.

Friday was Night 1, we put her down at her regular time (7:30) and she cried for 30 minutes. Then I had a glass of wine and prepared for a long night. She slept until 1:30AM, then cried for a solid hour straight. That was painful. We modified the check-in times to be a little more often than recommended because I just couldn't leave her alone for 10 minutes straight that first night. She passed back out at 2:30AM then slept until bottle time at 5:30, then went right back to sleep. She woke for the day around 7 and was not her usual happy morning self, I think that her feelings were hurt. We were extra lovey and fun with her the whole next day, feeling guilty.

Night 2 she went right down, no crying at all. She woke up four times that night, but only cried for 20 minutes the first time, and 10 minutes the following times.

Night 3 she went down after a few minutes of crying, then only woke up twice, longest period of crying was a little over 15 minutes. She must have gotten more rest than she was used to, because she woke up earlier than usual and was ready to play!

Last night was Night 4 and we resolved to wait a full 10 minutes before going in, and I'm so glad that we did, because one of the two times she woke up, we did not need to go to her, she cried for a few minutes and then feel back asleep without any consoling at all!

She is still waking up, but we seem to be making progress towards her putting herself back to sleep without intervention.

BigPoppa22 · October 2013

Great news!

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · October 2013

Success story!! She slept through the night on Days 5 & 6. For us that means she went to sleep with no fuss at 7:30PM, and slept solidly until 5:00AM, when she had her bottle, and then went right back to sleep until she woke for the day at 6:45AM. It's almost too good to be true, so we'll see if it sticks..

honeydew01 · October 2013

Yay! Glad it's worked and you got some sleep. As I mentioned in my previous reply to your post, there *may* be a regression coming up any day, this is usually their last attempt to see if the changes are to stay (what I've read) so if you hit that just power through it, you've been through the worst of it already.

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