Lurker opening up a little

VedaFlash · October 2013

I'm mostly a lurker but I wanted to get some things out and this is the place to do it. Background we have 4 kids, one mine, two his, and one ours. The two SS's are growing up and becoming more aware on their own of BM. She often drops off the face of the earth, with no contact whatsoever for months at a time. This started happening more and more when she had another baby and it was taken from her due to drugs. Anyways we don't bash her to them, this is all them figuring things out on their own. I met them almost 8 years ago and they have spent probably less than a year total with their mom since. She will go thru spurts of calling and texting for a bit, then nothing. They have a home cell phone to keep in contact with her since she lives out of state. Well the oldest just had a birthday, and a big milestone birthday. Nothing. No calls or texts. They know not to expect any gifts or cards from her, although she says she will send things. It's funny that earlier in the week she sent FB friend requests to both me and DH, which we both denied. But can't bother to call her oldest son to wish him a happy birthday. (Both SS's know nothing about FB since they don't have it.) I could rant and rant. I won't. I have decided to just remember that there is nothing we can do to change her. We can't make her reach out to her kids. It's her loss. Even just a couple years ago we did reach out to her. Because it's heartbreaking to watch these boys miss their mom!! We let her stay with us in our home since she is legally not allowed to have any of children stay with her. (Which is a good thing because she would neglect them...) Boys would cry and cry about missing her.

Anyways... the other day was oldest SS bday so we celebrated and at the end of the night he comes to me and hugs me, calls me Mama, (which he never really did, other than a few times over the years) and says to me, "Your my mama now. You've raised me for 8 years and I've probably only been with my biological mom 3 years or less." I almost cried and said, "I don't know why that is, but..." He cuts me off and says, "What kind of mother doesn't even call her kid to wish him a happy birthday?" Then his brother came into the room and asked him about something else. Oh, I had to leave the room I just felt so bad for him. The thing is, this really isn't anything new, but since he was her favorite, I think it's the first time that happened to him. I know for a fact it's happened to his brother several times.

Pamelacake, when I read things you post, I think I could talk to you for hours about our crazy BMs and all the similarities. But really it's just so sad to see the kids have to go thru this. If you're going to be a really shitty parent, just don't be present at all. It'd probably be better than this in and out crap.

Anyways, thanks to all of you on this board because I don't know how I would handle life otherwise! You all help me more than you realize!

VedaFlash · October 2013

ps sorry for the wall o text and if you made it thru all my ramblings, thanks. I would give you all cookies if I could.

Pamelacake · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your SS's and your situation. I am all the time telling myself almost exactly what you said.. if you just want to be a part time parent, once every 3 months is our BM's average, Step the eff back and let me do it. When BM does come I am very pleasant with her and I see that the girls do have fun. One more than the other but oldest SD still tries to be included somewhat.

I haven't been going through this near as long as you have (and I would be pulling my hair out) but can your S/O have any changes made in the C/O?

I have to take 7yo SD to see a dr recommended by her therapist this morning. DH and I will refuse to have her put on any meds but they have been wanting to see her for a while. SD has already been diagnosed with mild ADHD but they want to evaluate her again now that they know a bit more of what she is going through.

About what your SS said to you, I know those things should be happy moments but I also know it's tough when the other is brought up. When SD's do this to me it's heartbreaking. I'm not sure how BM's don't understand they are the one's missing out.

You can PM me if you want. I post a lot of crazy stuff on here and it makes me look and feel crazy too at times. I have no one else to talk to about these things. No one I know is in a situation like mine.

VedaFlash · October 2013

Over the years we have talked about the legalities of it all and it's a mess. There is nothing since they were divorced years ago, and the divorce decree is way outdated. According to that, my DH was to have the boys for 5 years and then BM was to have them for 5 years, with summer and holiday visitation with the other. Well she has never been stable enough to spend that long with them. I think the longest period of time with them was four months. When she got pregnant again and got this one taken, the DHS in her state called DH to say the boys are NOT allowed to stay with her until further notice. So far no notice. That kid has since been adopted by his paternal grandparents, thank goodness. But she still would tell the boys that they were staying with her in the summer. When it didn't happen it was all the judge's fault.

Right before I met them, they were with her for a couple months while DH tried to find a place to live, job, etc. because he moved out of state. He picked them up and moved here. Since then, the longest they've been with her is probably 3 months and it was borderline neglect. When they came back, we documented their bruises all over, the stories they told us of her and her bf fighting and throwing things, how the older one would watch the younger one, etc. Two more summers and both times were cut short due to them not being taken care of, so we had to make emergency trips out of state to pick them up. I remember the last time we only had one shoe between the two of them, which was crappy trying to take restroom trips. We each had to carry a boy in and out of gas stations. I remember reading about the BM in your case and one shoe for both girls...

I understand the crazy feeling. I don't talk to anyone except DH about it because I come across as crazy!

twister22 · October 2013

@VedaFlash I'm sorry your SS's are going through this. What rights does BM legally have? When is the last time she saw or spoke with the children? Is SP adoption an option for you?

SimpleJane · October 2013

@ VedaFlash I'm so sorry your SS have to deal with all that. I'm sure it's rough on all of you.

Slightly off topic, but 5 years on, 5 years off is a really weird CO set up and seems like it would be distressing for the kids. I cant believe a judge ordered that. I'm glad it didn't end up working that way and the boys have stayed with their dad. DHS fails in so many cases, its good to see they are stepping up and protecting your SS.

VedaFlash · October 2013

I checked the home cell phone, which is pretty much their phone to use for communication with her and if they go somewhere without us, they take it with. The last attempt on either side was a month and a half ago. There are some calls either to or from that only lasted a few seconds so I imagine those are someone leaving messages. So I think the last time they actually talked to her might have been in August. They are both in double-digits as far as age, so they can call her when they want to. She can call when she wants to. Nobody is going to the work for her anymore.

I thought that was a strange set-up too, and when I asked DH about it, he said it'll never pan out like that. And it never did. We looked into me adopting them several times over the years. I think if she is completely absent from their lives for 6 months-one year then I could. I know she wouldn't just willingly let me adopt them. I would love to and would have no problem whatsoever with keeping them and/or supporting them if by some chance something happened to DH. I have always been a little hesitant, because she goes completely absent for months at a time but then always pops back up, eventually. And the boys always wanted her to be in their lives. It wasn't until these past couple of years they have been wising up to everything. When she's absent, we don't know if she is in jail, on drugs, in the hospital, dead... The time before last, she ended up on drugs, in jail, then the hospital because she overdosed. We really thought she got her wake-up call and gave her the benefit of the doubt... She was unconscious for 3 days, lost her job, went to jail, moved again to live with family. WE got her and her family back in contact together during that time because it was clear that she needed them! Her own mother and brother, who hadn't talked to her in YEARS! Well she overstayed their welcomes too.

Anyways, you know I just get going and it's hard to stop with the rambling.... I really do feel better coming here to let a little out here and there. Thanks so much!

Pamelacake · October 2013

LOL.. I don't really talk to DH about it unless it's something that I see effecting SD's. The ignorant voicemails with threats and name calling, I just document.. He wants to listen every once in a while for a laugh but that's about it.

BM likes to forward voicemails saying "I will just have to document that you refused to let me talk to the kids because you didn't answer" It's a good think I practically sit on the phone when it's her time to call. I wish I could just give them the phone and let them handle it.

I really hope you can get something changed.

I have 3 older SK's with DH and that C/O is BM takes one child for one wknd a month. That BM sees the kids on average 3 times a year. Their maternal grandmother gets them more though.. They also have a choice to go with or not to. Maybe even something like that would work for your situation? It sounds like it might be good to try for more though.

I don't know how it is where you are but the judges here do not like inconsistency when it comes to parenting.

I also agree that is a really strange C/O.. does that mean she can just pop up from nowhere and take them? I would definitely look into having that changed.

ETA: maternal not paternal.

VedaFlash · October 2013

I think they got divorced in 2003? So the CO is their divorce decree. But DH is primary so she could not just up and get them without his consent. I don't remember the specifics but DH has talked to our state's DHS regarding her state's DHS telling him she is not allowed to have them, even for a visit. He's talked about it since the beginning but pretty much DH never had it legally changed because he figured she just didn't care enough anyways. I have always pushed to have it all changed, just to cover our asses. He really wants to have me adopt them. It will most likely happen at some point, just don't know when. She didn't have CS going after her until last year and I guess all of her taxes went to CS since she texted us asking if we got all that $ and no we didn't get one cent of it. Medicaid got it, since the kids are on Medicaid. Maybe if we entice her with the fact of not having to pay CS anymore if I adopt...

Well it's going on two years... They haven't actually seen their mom since New years 2011-2012. She stayed with us for four days. That was the only way for them to see her since she can't have visitation with them. Before that, it was a long weekend in April 2011, where we met up at a halfway point. Before that was 2008, for a few weeks in the summer. That was our last emergency trip, with the one shoe for both boys.

ambrvan · October 2013

I remember a poster from a long time ago updating us on having reached out her SS's BM at her SS's request and the BM came to visit and stayed with them in their home. The BM brought along a child from her new marriage or relationship. And at that time, everything was looking like it would go well. You are not same poster, are you?

Either way, it's a good thing your SSs have you. They will hurt from their BM, and it hurts not to be able to fix it. It's one of those lose-lose situations and you are hoping for the lesser of two evils, really. Disappearing entirely would be better in a case where they are unhealthy influences and so on-off-again. That drives me crazy.

It really sucks that Children's Services are completely independent agencies from state to state.

Our BM was proven unfit in one state, her older two children have been taken away completely, but our state (where BM, us, and SD live) has not put much effort into investigation. In my opinion (that doesn't matter at all), since the children were all living together with BM at the time of incidences in question, it should be treated as one comprehensive case. But DCS has separated the older two children's case from SD's case because the children are now in the custody of their fathers (two separate homes) and so the testimony of the older two matters not at all in my SD's case. And she was too young at the time to remember the incidences they questioned her about, and depending on the incident being investigated, SD was question 6mo-1yr after the fact! Plenty of time for her to have forgotten or at least for her not to understand what they were talking about.

VedaFlash · October 2013

I remember mentioning on here our BM coming to stay with us when it happened, but she didn't bring her baby. He was taken from her at the hospital due to drugs in his system and she never got him back. Her boyfriend's parents have raised him and since adopted him. They were in the same state so she was able to go over and see the baby from time to time. She and her boyfriend were given opportunities to get him by the courts but they chose not to complete their programs for rehab and whatever. When we met up halfway in April 2011, it was her and her boyfriend, his dad, and the baby. Well he was 2 at that time, so I guess not a baby. It was the first time she and her bf had their son stay the night with them ever. The grampa/dad was in the next room, of course.

Since then she has broken up with this bf and gotten another one. They ended up moving to another state to stay with his family, then to another state to stay with her family, then gone to whereabouts unknown. The oldest SS called and talked to his "grandma" who raises his brother last night and she thinks BM might be in rehab but is not sure. And SS talked to his brother, who is 4 now and he was so excited that he wasn't being all shy and quiet on the phone.

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