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Banging my head against a wall.

+just+j++just+j+ member
in Blended Families

VENT ALERT!

I have been practicing not engaging XH and for the most part I did pretty good.   I failed a little today tho, but held back soooo much.

I had a conference with DD's daycare.  Things have improved since I aired my complaints and I had a conference with them today with three of them, which included the facility manager, regarding DD's development.  It went well. DD is doing really good but there are a couple of concerns.

She's a little behind in her speech and she is not acknowledging or recognizing her bad behavior and the "punishment" as punishment. She excelled in some places, needed work in a few, and for the most part, was right on target or average for her age group.  I thought it was a really a good constructive discussion and I think for the most part they assessed her correctly. So per the CO, I contacted XH and filled him in. As usual...it's everyone else's fault. 

I told him for the most part she's doing really good, she's where she needs to be, and here are the things we and they need to work on.   He blamed her doctors, me, daycare providers, other  kids....everyone.  DD of course was really, really smart and a good kid.  Yeah. He's one of THOSE parents who will defend his child and make excuses for her before he acknowledges that maybe she was in the wrong, or isn't perfect. This should not surprise me, afterall, he defended his kids repeatedly to me when the cold hard facts were staring him in the face.

As usual when I tried to reason with him and remind him of incidences and remind him that DD is not a perfect kid, he turned on me and tried to go down the path of why we are divorced, how I make him out to be a bad dad, etc.  He got defensive and tried telling me what a wonderful dad he is. He also dug into me and said that I need to read to her more (I do almost every night) and play and do more with DD. WTF?  He tried this last weekend too. He took her to see the dinosaur show in town and asked me what I did with DD on my weekends, like....don't you do anything with her, and are you a cool mom and do fun things with her like I do? 

I started to get into an argument with him and stopped myself. It's so damn frustrating.  What the hell??

All I wanted to do was share the report and ask him to help me work on these areas with her and that I am considering taking her to get her hearing tested.

Oh - and he tried telling me he has NO problems with DD at all when she's with him. Well of course not!! You let her have and do anything she wants!  And then I reminded him of a few things he told me about and he had to admit to those things, but of course...that was it.  He basically accused me of not being able to handle DD.

Fuck you

Fuck you

Fuck you.

Always an excuse for everything and once again...somehow this conversation turned into a discussion about XH.

It was all I could do not to go off on him but I kept either retreating from taking his bait, or I changed the subject back to DD and finally, I just told him I had to go and hung up. Next time, I'll just email him.

"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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Re: Banging my head against a wall.

  • SueBearSueBear member
    Either email him or inform him that you had a conference with the school / teacher and if he wants to discuss your DD with the staff they have finished their evaluations and he is free to speak with them.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Email him the results. Always email over a call when possible. I'm sorry he's such a jerk, J. That's awesome that you were able to stop midway through and not continue engaging him.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I know he does not check email, whatever, that is HIS issue and not yours.  Text him or email him and tell him he has to find a way to figure it out since he cannot play nice.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    This would drive me crazy. He definitely lives in his own fantasy world.
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  • danac2010danac2010 member
    We have the same issue of "well she isn't like that at my house" thing with BM.  BM gives her whatever she wants and doesn't say no ever so of course she doesn't throw fits or tantrums (and SD is 8) at BM's house.  BM also doesn't do homework with her because SD doesn't want to do it. 

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  I agree with Jen that you need to email him and just let him figure out how to get the email.  That isn't your problem!
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    edited October 2013
    I want so badly to be able to co parent with him in a simple conversation. And i can at times until something like this. And then it gets twisted into it being everybody elses fault. I was just informing him and asking for help to get her up to speed on a couple of things.

    I told him how there are 2 girls in the room moving to yhe 4 year old with DD soon. I told him that they have their own little bond and clique and havent quite let DD into their little circle yet. I followed that up with the providers are working on that but DD is handling it well, she doesn't let it phase her and she keeps trying to be friends. I wanted him to take away that DD is confident and very friendly but he told me that maybe i should look into it. As in I should talk to the parents about their mean child. I couldnt believe it. These kids arent bullies. They just havent accepted the new kid
    yet.

    This is why i am not inviting him to any thing like this in the future. And i will email results. Knowing him he wont mind me handling it anyway. Maybe I will spare some future teachers his big Texas bravado and jackassery.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    BM is the same way with SS in that she can't ever imagine anything being his fault. Every year the teacher tells us that SS talks too much in class, is unorganized and needs to make school work a priority. BM has blamed the kids sitting next to him a being the issue and says that she will go into school to clean out his desk. (Instead of him doing it)

    She refuses to understand that if all the teachers tell you the same thing, it is probably your kid that is the problem. It hasn't done SS any favors and is coming back to bite her in the ass. He blames his mom for not doing his homework (well she didn't tell me I have to do it...) and he is completely disrespectful towards her because he knows he won't get in trouble.

    Also, behaviorally your DD is probably better behaved for your XH. It is not because he is a better parent, but because she is more comfortable and safe with you. You are the one that will see her at her ugliest behavior and will still love her and take care of her. Kids know this. My DS spends far more time with me and is much better behaved with DH then when he is with me, and he is only 1.

    P.s. No matter how badly you want to co-parent, you can't do it alone. If he is difficult and doesn't want to, no matter how hard you try, it won't work.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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