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FIL childcare issues

trudibelltrudibell member
in Babies: 3 - 6 Months
First, I'm really grateful that we have grandparents locally who are willing to watch my son during the day so we don't have to pay for childcare.

Once a week we leave our LO with my FIL.  The night after leaving him during the day with FIL is unbearable.  FIL is unwilling to listen to our instructions.  First, he staunchly believes "you never wake a sleeping baby."  Well, our policy is to feed LO every 3 hours during the day and on demand at night.  This also means that he will leave LO in the carseat for hours and not feed him or change his diaper, this week LO soaked through his clothes and the carseat itself and in 6 hours FIL only changed his diaper once.  We've tried texting him when LO needs to be fed, we've tried using the "PEDIATRICIAN SAYS THEY KNOW BEST" avenue, and I don't know what to do at this point, but I'm on the brink of paying for a sitter and just not letting FIL babysit anymore period.  FIL makes a really big deal about what a huge favor he's doing for us (even though, he's unemployed, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful) but it's really not when my normally happy, issue-free baby boy comes home and fusses and screams for hours afterwards.

What would you do?  We're a little strapped for $ but I'm starting to think it might be worth it.
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Re: FIL childcare issues

  • iHeartVaniHeartVan member

    First of all, you are the mom...he should really respect your wishes. I am just a little confused on what exactly you are doing here.

    I understand you want to feed every 3 hours. Do you feed your baby without him even showing signs of hunger? Does your baby happily feed every 3 hours? We feed every 3 hours during the day as well, but my baby is definitely hungry every 3. I probably wouldn't let him go past 4 during the day.

    Is baby asleep in the car seat when you drop him off? If so...I wouldn't wake him either. I would think it would be okay to not change a diaper for a couple hours while baby is sleeping.

    Now, if he leaves baby in car seat while awake and fails to feed baby when hungry or change when baby is uncomfortable...now that would be neglect/abuse.

    6 hours and only changing once and soaking through clothes is a little crazy. I would not tolerate that. Maybe he doesn't understand how to properly take care of babies??

    The real kicker is, him acting like it is putting him out babysitting for you. I wouldn't tolerate that one bit. I would find someone else or pay for a sitter. FIL sounds like a dope, imo.

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  • iHeartVaniHeartVan member
    Honestly, I would wonder what else he is doing. It sounds like he cannot be trusted. Sorry if I seem harsh, but you asked for opinions :)
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  • mamato3girlsmamato3girls member
    I would be concerned about baby sleeping in the carseat, they should only be in the carseat when they are in the car. It shouldn't be used as a place for them to nap.,
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  • trudibelltrudibell member

    iHeartVan said:

    First of all, you are the mom...he should really respect your wishes. I am just a little confused on what exactly you are doing here.

    I understand you want to feed every 3 hours. Do you feed your baby without him even showing signs of hunger? Does your baby happily feed every 3 hours? We feed every 3 hours during the day as well, but my baby is definitely hungry every 3. I probably wouldn't let him go past 4 during the day.

    Is baby asleep in the car seat when you drop him off? If so...I wouldn't wake him either. I would think it would be okay to not change a diaper for a couple hours while baby is sleeping.

    Now, if he leaves baby in car seat while awake and fails to feed baby when hungry or change when baby is uncomfortable...now that would be neglect/abuse.

    6 hours and only changing once and soaking through clothes is a little crazy. I would not tolerate that. Maybe he doesn't understand how to properly take care of babies??

    The real kicker is, him acting like it is putting him out babysitting for you. I wouldn't tolerate that one bit. I would find someone else or pay for a sitter. FIL sounds like a dope, imo.

    We're EFF after trying to EBF and having issues, and then supplementing, and then more issues.  The pediatrician said he needs to eat every three hours during the day to help him sleep through the night - he's 4 months.  I mean we can double-check that with her at our next appointment, but Monday he only fed LO once and by 6pm LO was screaming.
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  • iHeartVaniHeartVan member
    trudibell said:

    iHeartVan said:

    First of all, you are the mom...he should really respect your wishes. I am just a little confused on what exactly you are doing here.

    I understand you want to feed every 3 hours. Do you feed your baby without him even showing signs of hunger? Does your baby happily feed every 3 hours? We feed every 3 hours during the day as well, but my baby is definitely hungry every 3. I probably wouldn't let him go past 4 during the day.

    Is baby asleep in the car seat when you drop him off? If so...I wouldn't wake him either. I would think it would be okay to not change a diaper for a couple hours while baby is sleeping.

    Now, if he leaves baby in car seat while awake and fails to feed baby when hungry or change when baby is uncomfortable...now that would be neglect/abuse.

    6 hours and only changing once and soaking through clothes is a little crazy. I would not tolerate that. Maybe he doesn't understand how to properly take care of babies??

    The real kicker is, him acting like it is putting him out babysitting for you. I wouldn't tolerate that one bit. I would find someone else or pay for a sitter. FIL sounds like a dope, imo.

    We're EFF after trying to EBF and having issues, and then supplementing, and then more issues.  The pediatrician said he needs to eat every three hours during the day to help him sleep through the night - he's 4 months.  I mean we can double-check that with her at our next appointment, but Monday he only fed LO once and by 6pm LO was screaming.

    Okay, I understand if the pedi says so. Yeah, there seems to be real issues here with his care.

    I don't think keeping them in the car seat to continue to nap for a little while if they are asleep when you get there is a big deal, but of course everyone has different beliefs.

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  • trudibelltrudibell member
    MrsMuq said:
    If your free childcare isn't working out, you need to shell out money for acceptable childcare.

    Would you rather have free, substandard care, or spend a bit of money for the care your child deserves? It's a no-brainer to me.

    (FWIW, just because your FIL is unemployed does not mean he has to provide free childcare for you. Maybe he'd rather spend his time doing something else. I mean, he is watching (although not doing a good job) your LO for free, he's not obligated to. You're not paying him.)
    I know he's not obligated to care for LO, thanks.
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  • illba2011illba2011 member
    haaaaaaaa sounds like my FIL, that is too funny. Sorry dont mean to laugh but I'm glad Im not alone!
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  • trudibelltrudibell member
    elmoali said:
    I've got a lot of different thoughts on these issues.  The first is that I echo the person who said if your free care isn't working out you're going to have to pay for care.  Initially I thought it was idealistic of you to force a 3 hour eating schedule then I read that your pedi said it was to help him sleep at night, which got the side eye from me.  However, then you posted that your FIL only fed your baby once all day on Monday and my thoughts went in a different direction.  Either your FIL is lying to you that your baby was sleeping (which means ignoring a baby's hungry cries and totally unacceptable) or if your baby truly was sleeping almost ALL day and this is common, you need to talk to your pedi about that.  That's not normal or healthy.
    Why does a 3 hour schedule get a side-eye from you?  I'm not trying to be snarky or snotty I'm genuinely curious because feeding was such a huge problem area for us until we started doing this and we haven't had any issues.
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  • MagickalNarwhalMagickalNarwhal member
    The cost of free childcare is often the loss of flexibility you have to put up with. In this case it sounds like it just isn't working out. Either he's not listening to you or he's not competent to care for your LO. Either way, find someone else.
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  • ASmallWonderASmallWonder member
    edited October 2013
    trudibell said:
    elmoali said:
    I've got a lot of different thoughts on these issues.  The first is that I echo the person who said if your free care isn't working out you're going to have to pay for care.  Initially I thought it was idealistic of you to force a 3 hour eating schedule then I read that your pedi said it was to help him sleep at night, which got the side eye from me.  However, then you posted that your FIL only fed your baby once all day on Monday and my thoughts went in a different direction.  Either your FIL is lying to you that your baby was sleeping (which means ignoring a baby's hungry cries and totally unacceptable) or if your baby truly was sleeping almost ALL day and this is common, you need to talk to your pedi about that.  That's not normal or healthy.
    Why does a 3 hour schedule get a side-eye from you?  I'm not trying to be snarky or snotty I'm genuinely curious because feeding was such a huge problem area for us until we started doing this and we haven't had any issues.

    You didn't say anything about feeding issues so obviously that would be an entirely different situation. You said it was your "policy" and that your pedi told you to do it to make your baby sleep at night.  I just don't think we should force babies to do what they aren't naturally inclined to do with feeding.  Think about it - if someone told you breakfast was at 7, lunch at 12 and dinner at 6, do you know you could eat that way every day just because someone said you had to?  I know lots of people who can't eat for hours after waking, like late lunches, early dinners, skip meals sometimes, and have extra hungry days.  I'm not saying trying to follow a schedule is bad but a rigid 3 hour policy isn't always going to work. 
    Formerly known as elmoali :)

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  • trudibelltrudibell member
    elmoali said:
    trudibell said:
    elmoali said:
    I've got a lot of different thoughts on these issues.  The first is that I echo the person who said if your free care isn't working out you're going to have to pay for care.  Initially I thought it was idealistic of you to force a 3 hour eating schedule then I read that your pedi said it was to help him sleep at night, which got the side eye from me.  However, then you posted that your FIL only fed your baby once all day on Monday and my thoughts went in a different direction.  Either your FIL is lying to you that your baby was sleeping (which means ignoring a baby's hungry cries and totally unacceptable) or if your baby truly was sleeping almost ALL day and this is common, you need to talk to your pedi about that.  That's not normal or healthy.
    Why does a 3 hour schedule get a side-eye from you?  I'm not trying to be snarky or snotty I'm genuinely curious because feeding was such a huge problem area for us until we started doing this and we haven't had any issues.

    You didn't say anything about feeding issues so obviously that would be an entirely different situation. You said it was your "policy" and that your pedi told you to do it to make your baby sleep at night.  I just don't think we should force babies to do what they aren't naturally inclined to do with feeding.  Think about it - if someone told you breakfast was at 7, lunch at 12 and dinner at 6, do you know you could eat that way every day just because someone said you had to?  I know lots of people who can't eat for hours after waking, like late lunches, early dinners, skip meals sometimes, and have extra hungry days.  I'm not saying trying to follow a schedule is bad but a rigid 3 hour policy isn't always going to work. 
    Well since we've adopted the "every three hours during the day" schedule feedings have gotten a lot easier.  Sure there's some wiggle room here and there if he starts getting fussy and nothing else will soothe him or calm him down.  We also let him eat however much he wants at each of these, so there's still a range in how much he consumes in a day.  To be completely honest, I pretty much always eat at the same times each day too, so maybe he's just wired like me.  If I don't munch on something every three hours or so I get hangry (hungry+angry) lol
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  • MrsArrowMrsArrow member
    botanicalbliss said:
    Um if anyone left my kid in his carseat for hours w/o feeding or changing him they would never watch him again.  End. Of. Story.
    This!!!
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  • steelerbaby29steelerbaby29 member
    Sounds like you need to find someone else to watch your LO. Do you have any friends that are SAHM? Or maybe a friend that could watch your son one or two days and then a daycare the rest of the week. I personally would eat top ramen every night if I had to just to be able to afford a daycare for my LO. At least you know that your son it being taking care of the right way.
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  • trudibelltrudibell member
    Sounds like you need to find someone else to watch your LO. Do you have any friends that are SAHM? Or maybe a friend that could watch your son one or two days and then a daycare the rest of the week. I personally would eat top ramen every night if I had to just to be able to afford a daycare for my LO. At least you know that your son it being taking care of the right way
    Luckily it's only one day a week for 6 hours.  And yeah we're going to look into other options and find a sitter.
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