WWBFD: Halloween (Long)

IfMamaAintHappy · October 2013

Hi everyone- long time lurker, occasional poster. I have a What Would Blended Family Do question because you ladies have advised me well in the past and I take alot from these boards. This is long due to the backstory. So...for the last 2 years Halloween has fallen on BM's night (I actually think 2 years ago it fell on DH's night but he let her have them). BM usually has people over that evening (her parents, her BF, her BF's family -but not his kids- and some neighborhood friends with kids) to eat dinner and then go trick-or-treating together as a group. As much as I hate saying this, BM has been gracious enough to invite DH and myself (even before we were married) and DH's parents. However, things were also a tad more amiable the last couple of years. And by amiable I mean no one really speaks to us and we sit in a corner by ourselves until it's time to go trick-or-treating. When we head out, we end up trailing behind the group and the kids bounce back and forth between their parents. Both years we have left there complaining about how awkward and painful it was. FF to this year: the relationship between MH & BM has completely broken down through the Modification of CO process. I won't get into all the details of that except to say BM foolishly expended all of DH's patience for her antics, she has cost us literally thousands and thousands of dollars in atty fees (we still owe thousands of dollars as we speak), and her whole focus at mediation was keeping me away from the kids (right of first refusal, who can and can't take kids to doctor, etc.)(all of which was a joke since she is conveniently unavailable to take them to the dr 9 times out of 10). Long story short, all transfers are at school now, none of the parents acknowledge each other hardly at sporting events, and the final Order still hasn't been entered due to her typical delays. Halloween: we have SKs that night. MH wants to see if BM still plans to host a get together that night (SK's have indicated she might) and if so, thinks we should bring SK's over to her house to trick-or-treat (repeat of the last 2 years basically). His arguments are that the kids have fun with their friends there, it's a good neighborhood for trick-or-treating (and ours is not - I was the one who pointed this out), and it's worth it to him to suck up for those couple of awkward hours. I, on the otherhand, don't feel it's right to go into her home given the circumstances of late. I am not up to faking it on a night I shouldn't have to. I suggested we take the kids to their cousin's neighborhood and focus on DH's family instead. I think he is being overly nostalgic. They will have a great time as long as they are in costume and getting candy. Also important to note that SD7 is having a terrible transition time coming to our house that started late Aug. She is really attached to her mom lately and has suddenly decided that I am horrible (@Wendilea's posts resonate here...I've done too much for her and essentially made BM look bad and she is starting to resent it). She does not do well when all 3 of us (DH, BM and I ) are going to be together in the same place. She acts out towards both DH and me, but it's really directed at me. We are at a crossroads about what to do. I am not against DH just taking the kids and me staying home to pass out candy. I am at a point where I really can't take anymore stress or drama from this situation, and I'm not interested in plopping myself right into the middle of a bad situtation. I feel guilty for suggesting the kids not go to their mom's, but I don't think it's unreasonable for us to do our own thing on Halloween since it is our night. If you read all of this, treat yourself to some candy corn! WWBFD? Suck it up and go? Let DH take kids on his own? Go to my in-laws? EDIT: MOBILE BUMPING ON IPAD. Sorry for wall of text.

+just+j+ · October 2013

DH and you should stay home if it's her weekend. If DH wants to do something with the kids, surely there is something else going on around your that they can go to for Halloween on another night close to the holiday.

If it's DH's weekend per the CO...well guess what. BM does not have the kids for trick or treating and SHE can arrange an alternative Halloween event on her time with the kids.

Lavender P · October 2013

I definitely would not go to BM's because you said even when things were amiable, it was still awkward. Plus, how is your DH just going to invite himself to BM's without being asked? As strained as things are, she most likely doesn't even want you there. Finally,, and most importantly, I wouldn't want your SD to feel even more stressed then she already is. Kids feel tension and any benefit of trick-or-treating together is actually being negated by the parents not getting along. I would tell your DH your reasons for why you won't go to BMs and he has to support your right not to go. Tell him you are willing to stay home or go to DH's family's neighborhood. If he still wants to go to BMs that is on him, but you need to do what is right for your sanity. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, but you can make the decision for yourself as ro what is best for you.

IfMamaAintHappy · October 2013

Thanks Lavender. And JustJ this is the direction we have had to move due to the drama around the Modification. MH has had to accept that being divorced means you do things separately and you follow the CO. I am not sure why he is stumbling over Halloween, especially since it is our night to have them! SMH.

twister22 · October 2013

What do your SKs want to do? How old are they? When's the last time they trick or treated somewhere other than BM's neighborhood?

Without the answers to those questions I would say this - Halloween is not a "big deal" holiday. Kids dress up and kids get candy. And there are lots of places to do that - zoos, theme parks, churches, etc. It likely wouldn't be a big deal if the SKs didn't go to BM's, and you went to the IL's neighborhood. BM can always take the kids TOTing somewhere else the weekend before if it's a big deal to her.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

See I will argue to suck it up for the kids. Be the bigger person and try to extend the olive branch. She was gracious enough to include you the last two years even if you were uncomfortable.

On a side note and I obviously do not know if she ever stated she did not want you alone with kids kids but sometimes right of first refusal is to keep someone from the kids and other times it is just because she feels if Dad is not with them then they should be with their Mom. Assuming it is the second I cannot say I could argue with that even though I know the argument against it.

Nineoceans · October 2013

This is your life too. I personally would not want to waste years of my life dreading Halloween. Your family can also begin creating their own traditions too.

SimpleJane · October 2013

This is what the kids have always done. Their mother and father are both comfortable enough with it to suck it up for one night so the kids can enjoy themselves with their friends. I think that if you are uncomfortable with it then you should stay home. I think that if mom, dad, and kids all want to do this same thing that they have been doing for years even after the divorce, and you being uncomfortable is the only thing stopping it, then you need to suck it up and be uncomfortable for a few hours or stay home and let the four of them do it.

Ilumine · October 2013

I am usually a "suck it up" kinda person...sorta.

HOWEVER, if you are in the middle of or fresh out of a Court Order modification, I honestly believe that you should stick to said court order to create a precedent for future incidents.

Whether the holiday is "weak" or strong, one parent can say "well BD brought the kids to my house on halloween even though it was his time, so why can't he do it for Thanksgiving?"

Sort of like how YOU should have used her inviting YOU specifically to HER HOUSE for Halloween. If YOU are so bad, then why was she including you in her plans?

Littlejen22 · October 2013

SimpleJane said:
This is what the kids have always done. Their mother and father are both comfortable enough with it to suck it up for one night so the kids can enjoy themselves with their friends. I think that if you are uncomfortable with it then you should stay home. I think that if mom, dad, and kids all want to do this same thing that they have been doing for years even after the divorce, and you being uncomfortable is the only thing stopping it, then you need to suck it up and be uncomfortable for a few hours or stay home and let the four of them do it.

I guess my thinking was that Halloween is not a holiday, it is a day to dress up, maybe decorate, and trick or treat which is way more fun with friends.

+just+j+ · October 2013

I understand how your husband feels. He wants to co- parent for the kids sake and he probably feels a little guilt for breaking a tradition. There may even be a little bit of wariness that the animosity from the modification will just continue.

If he feels like he is totally sacrificing and will resent it, he should not do it. If he genuinely wants to do this and it is not painful, then he can go with the kids. You have a choice tho. Its okay if neither one of you want to go and start your own thing. You have every right to do so.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

Ilumine said:

I am usually a "suck it up" kinda person...sorta.

HOWEVER, if you are in the middle of or fresh out of a Court Order modification, I honestly believe that you should stick to said court order to create a precedent for future incidents.

Whether the holiday is "weak" or strong, one parent can say "well BD brought the kids to my house on halloween even though it was his time, so why can't he do it for Thanksgiving?"

Sort of like how YOU should have used her inviting YOU specifically to HER HOUSE for Halloween. If YOU are so bad, then why was she including you in her plans?

I agree with all of this.

If things have fallen apart due to a CO modification, then it's time to distance yourselves. Create new traditions and new experiences with the kids. What's going to happen if/when you and DH have a child? Are you going to force your new LO to spend Halloween with BM? As @Ilumine said, this is going to set the precedent for upcoming years. Depending on the age of the kids involved this could be going on for the next several years. Maybe things with BM will get better when you are all further out from the modification process, but right now if things are sticky I think it's best to keep things separate and stick to the CO.

Wahoo · October 2013

Our family has always had the same halloween tradition - trick - or - treating on an awesome street in our town where all the kids go.

Last year, because of Hurricane Sandy, the street was closed down due to fallen trees, the governor of NJ postponing Halloween, and electrical wires in need of repair.

We ended up trick-or-treating in a different town, with one of dd's friends and her mom.

And you know what? It was still fun! The kids were happy because they got to go door to door in their costumes, and they got candy. We have made many changes over the years for Halloween due to different schools, seeing my parents (we stopped once the kids were old enough to trick or treat and seeing grandma took too much time away from that), different friends....now DD wants to only TorT with her friend (without mom being too close).

This is one thing that kids can adapt to. Don't think you need to have the same "tradition" every year, when that tradition is not working for you. IMO, that sounds more like prison!

IfMamaAintHappy · October 2013

Thanks everyone for all the insight and suggestions. Sorry I am just getting back to this. Got hit with a very unpleasant stomach bug!

To answer some of the questions and to shed some light, SK's are 7 & 9. BM's house is the only neighborhood they have ever trick-or-treated in. I get MH's reluctance to take this away from them. That's why I genuinely stated I would stay home and let him go (and not hold it against him in some passive-aggressive play). I am also in agreement with some pp's that change is sometimes good and that kids will be fine getting candy anywhere.

Illumine and Jo have articulated my biggest concerns with going over there (yes, assuming BM & DH discuss ahead of time and the invitation is extended, which I expect it will be): we are in the middle of a very unpleasant Modification. Even though big issues were worked out in mediation, BM still won't agree to a final order and keeps lodging insults through her lawyer. This unfortunately has been 2 years + in the making and I personally believe that DH has enabled her to keep this drama up all this time by putting on a civil, fake front for appearances sake (not just with the kids, but for others in our community such as these Halloween gatherings- I believe she uses those situations to "show" people how gracious and wonderful she is, but in reality she is petty and has routinely kept the kids from their Dad anytime she is mad). DH has done a very good job since this summer in holding the line and is truly fed up with her nonsense.

(Side note: the ROFR was most definitely aimed just at me. DH had to explain to BM, and the mediator did as well, that a ROFR would apply to her as well. It just didn't work one way as a mechanism to keep the kids from staying with me in the event DH has to go out of town unexpectedly for work, which happens on occasion. She still fought for it and we agreed to a 48 hour provision, meaning if the parent is not going to be in actual possession for more than 48 hours, then the other parent has to be contacted and given the option. This is totally fair IMO and in reality will likely never apply anyways).

I think DH going over there with SKs does set a dangerous precedent for other special occasions and holidays. The reason we had to Modify in the first place is because BM and DH never followed the CO in place and it led to a huge mess. It is now time to follow the CO we spent thousands of dollars and a lot of heartache to get. If we don't follow it, it sends her the message that she is invited to not follow it in the future as she pleases, which is the problem we had before.

I also pointed out to DH that SD is only 7 and she will likely want to keep trick-or-treating for several more years. We are currently TTC and asked what are we going to do when we have more kids...all go over to BM's because the SK's have never been anywhere else? I don't think so! His response was he can't make a decision for this year based on unknowns in the future (a cop out IMO).

The other factor to note is that based on the calendar, I believe BM will have SKs the next two Halloweens. I haven't had a chance to point this out to DH yet, but I will and I suspect that will sway him to still take them over there for fear she will cut him out in the future if he cuts her out this year. And I get that.

I will say that I am in a much better place about these things than I was 6 months ago. I recognize that Halloween has been very unpleasant and stressful for me the last couple of years (not just physically going over there, but SD's tension leading up to it and last year's drama of SK's refusing to let us buy their costumes because "their mom" was doing it, which of course she did not and it fell in our lap at the very last minute as is par for the course). Therefore, I am not interested in repeating it. I love Halloween and handing out candy, so that is my plan regardless of what DH decides to do. I would love for the 4 of us to do our own thing, and be able to have our picture taken together in costume, without it being some tense, awkward moment at BM's house. But I know in reality that won't likely happen, and I'm ok with that.

I'll update on DH's decision when he makes it. I told him my gut instinct was that something else would blow up with BM in the meantime that would make his decision all the easier.

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