DH vent....spending time with baby

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

I just need to get this off my chest..

So, when DD was a newborn, my husband was AWESOME stepping up to the plate. He essentially took the "first" shift of the night, and when I would go to bed (around 7-8) he would take over and do any feedings until midnight, at which case I would get up if she got up and he would get a good 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She dropped THAT particularly feeding around 4 weeks and my husband didn't have to do that anymore. So, I gave him the duty of "bath time", since I think it's important for him to spend time with her, AND he also was spending 1-2 hours on Saturdays just the two of them while I went to a gym class. He was also "on" while I cooked dinner, and entertained/played with her.

However, in the past 2 months, the amount of time he spends with her has dropped significantly. I thought it was just me, but I actually wrote down the time he was spending with her and I was shocked. He rarely spends more than 5 minutes with her in the morning before he leaves, and bath times are only every other day occurrences. I now make dinner earlier so we can go for a walk as a family, and I'm the one feeding her when we eat. My gym class on Saturday falls around her nap time, and I think he just leaves her in her crib while i'm gone-even if she's up! Now if he has to spend more than 10 minutes with her, he puts her in her pack-n-play or jumper, which she doenst really like right now because she's crawling and wants to play. He got irritated the other Saturday because she woke up late, which meant her nap was later and I couldn't put her down before I left-all he had to do was spend maybe 30 minutes playing with her.

I just wish he would spend TIME with her. She's 7 months old, a ball of happy happy energy and likes to crawl, stand and be mobile. She does smile at him when he comes home but if she's in any sort of mood she doesn't want him to hold her-she only wants mom. The only breaks I have are at 5 aM for the gym, and during nap time Saturday...if she's awake, she's with me. And I love her, and want to spend time with her....but I also want to trust if i leave her with him she's not going to end up crying and alone because he doesn't want to play with her.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest...

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

I will, and I agree about the resentment. I don't want to resent him, and i don't even mind doing most of it...I'm the same way, i'm in charge of everything except baths for the baby. I like spending time with her and doing everything! But i do get concerned when he's spending less than 2 hours a week even interacting with her......so I will talk to him and let him know my concerns. Thank you!

Devbo18 · October 2013

Vent away!! This SAHM job is really hard, a lot harder than I thought! I think it's only natural to resent our husbands at times, they get to just get in the car and go (even if it is to work, no diaper bag, no lugging of the car seat), they get to talk to other grown ups, eat lunch and pee without worrying about the baby getting into something. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my son, but some days it's just hard and we would appreciate a little more support from the daddies. A gentle convo usually fixes this with me and my hubby. And I go out once a month and let him do the whole bed routine, it helps him appreciate what I do a little. Hope this helps, kinda sounds like I just went on my own vent! Lol

=Lee=B · October 2013

Is he possibly uncomfortable with her growing skills. Maybe he feels like he can't keep her safe when she's crawling around. He would now need to pay very close attention to her where as when she was a newborn she just needed to be held and he could be distracted without worry.

I agree with the others about clearing up any tension and resentment now before it settled in and becomes a big problem.

Can you change your gym class so it falls at a different time of day? Can you take up another hobby or outing so he has to care for her more? Change dinner schedule so it is when he's home again. Try (with his consent) to make him have more one on one time. Here my husband comes and wakes our 7 month old and she sits and has breakfast with him then she sits in her bouncy chair in the bathroom with toys while he shaves and brushes teeth etc. He then brings her back to bed before he goes to work and she naps with me. This works for us as she is very happy when woken in the morning and easily goes back to sleep. It gives them 45min of time without me around...they get to bond. On really busy days or days when her naps are off this may be the only time they get alone together...other days they hang out more. Right now she had extra naps today and is wide awake so she is hanging out on his lap while he does some over time work in the home office.

There are many ways to get one on one time in if he (and you) get creative. I do all feeds, and nap and night routine and all diapers (now that she is on solids and he's scared of what comes out). It works for us.

ebp913 · October 2013

Honestly... a lot of men just don't know what to do with babies. My husband is wonderful and VERY involved in everything for our almost 2 year old but with DS he just doesn't know what to do. He fully admits that he just kinda sucks with babies. I think it's tough for some of them to see holding a baby and laying on the floor as fun or playtime. I would talk to him about it but also know that I doubt it will stay like this. As your LO gets older and more developed, I would bet your husband will come around.

That said, if you just need him to do more stuff then just say that. Or leave the house so he has to do it. Your LO may cry but he will learn to deal with it if you make him. Tell him he needs to do bathtime or meal time too if that's what you want.

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

Idani said:

I agree with above. Also it sounds like some of the things are changing because she also is. For example she naps when you are the gym, that he can't control. You also are making dinner so you can do a family walk. He no longer needs to watch her at that point so you can spend family time. IN the morning 5 minutes before he leaves, doesn't seem that crazy depending on when he leaves. I spend about the same as my husband is a SAHD right now and I am always running out the door to work. Also you said you think he lets her stay in the crib, have you actually asked him? It seems you are building up a lot of resentment and it's continuing to build up to the point you are literally counting the minutes he is with her. That is not good for you or your marriage. Have you asked your husband to help more? If you haven't he probably has no idea you are feeling this way.

yes. He said "well, she fusses in there for 20-30 minutes then falls asleep" but then she's awake 10-15 minutes after she "fell asleep" so I think she wakes up, cruises around, then wants out, and then just lays down after crying.

I know there are things he can't change but stuff like, last Saturday, she woke up later so her nap actually would have started after the gym class...but he got huffy when I said he'd have to put her down, so I ended up putting her down early(she was wide awake, but happy when i put her down). when i came back i asked if she cried after i left and he said yes...she wasn't ready to go down and wanted out.

but i do agree. i shouldn't be resentful or counting minutes and we did discuss it last night.I think what really really is starting to get to me is that when he IS with her, he tends to want to put her down or in the walker and thinks she's being fussy if she doesn't want to be in there long...she's not, she's never liked being in walkers or jumpers. she likes to crawl around, and we just need to be around her and paying attention so she doesn't hurt herself but he doesn't want to be bothered so he just puts her in something and says she needs to learn "to deal with it"

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

Nicb13 said:

ebp913 said:

Honestly... a lot of men just don't know what to do with babies. My husband is wonderful and VERY involved in everything for our almost 2 year old but with DS he just doesn't know what to do. He fully admits that he just kinda sucks with babies. I think it's tough for some of them to see holding a baby and laying on the floor as fun or playtime. I would talk to him about it but also know that I doubt it will stay like this. As your LO gets older and more developed, I would bet your husband will come around.

That said, if you just need him to do more stuff then just say that. Or leave the house so he has to do it. Your LO may cry but he will learn to deal with it if you make him. Tell him he needs to do bathtime or meal time too if that's what you want.

Totally agree. We are going to start TTC very soon but DH is dreading the baby stuff! He likes the age DS is at now because they can play and interact, not just lay there!
OP, sounds like you are going to talk to him and that's good. He might not even realize what he's doing (or not doing) so be calm and honest with him about how you are feeling

I did! I appreciate all the feedback and letting me vent. I shouldn't be counting minutes and I was getting resentful. I think, like I said, i was getting frustrated with the whole leaving her in her walker for the 10 minutes he was supposed to watch her..i know it's not fun for him, i get that but at the same time she's not a super fussy baby. She doesn't fuss just to fuss, but she has never liked being in jumpers, or swings, or walkers. She likes to be on the ground crawling, or interacting with us. So it may not be super fun but he does need to be watching her while she's crawling and redirecting her when she inevitably finds the most dangerous thing in the room.

But last night, when I was making dinner, she was in the walker (she's usually fine for like 15 minutes in there, playing around the kitchen while I cook or eating some puffs). she raised her arms to him to pick her up and he tried to give her something to play with. She started fussing, and looking for me to get her and he said "oh you just need to get used to it". So i said "honey, you really don't spend a lot of time with her. She doesn't fuss a lot but she doesn't like to be in the walker for a long time. can you please pick her up and either put her on the carpet and watch her or play with her?" and he said fine, and then asked when she was supposed to be able to "fuss it out". I said i wasn't sure the age at which you stop picking them up or let them fuss it out but I do know that 7 months is much too young so if she wants to be picked up and can't be redirected, we should probably get her.

He started to argue but then stopped and said ok. then played with her. After she went down I approached him about me leaving twice a week for like 15 minutes while she's awake to get used to me leaving, and about him interacting with her when he's supposed to be "watching" her while i'm doing something. he seemed fine with it, so hopefully we are fine...

Crequito · October 2013

Hmm, maybe he doesn't feel confident/comfortable for some reason? I thought DH was spending minimal time with DD for a while about 2 months ago. Then both of our mothers were on cruises the same week so we had no daycare. DH had time to burn at work so he spent the whole week with DD and at the end of the week he actually said he felt so much more comfortable and confident in his ability to handle any situation with her. Then the government was furloughed so he spent even more time with her.

You should definitely talk to DH about how you feel and what you're noticing, but try not to sound accusatory as that might put him on the defensive. And you could push for him to spend more time with her on the weekends so you can have a little more you-time. It'll be good for both of you. Good luck!

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

sadly, I think we regressed a little. Last night he was holding her and she was fussing for me and he kept saying snide comments like "Oh honey, you're fussing. you've been fussing for more than 30 seconds. not sure what mom wants me to do" and when we were on our walk she would fuss occasionally until she could see me and he said "oh, baby's fussing. oh, it's been more than 30 seconds. oh, i guess we should go back into the house".

It's frustrating that he took what I was saying and has turned it on me. I tried to express that it wasn't even the amount of time but rather the quality of time, as well as the fact that she fusses me for me because she needs to see me leave and come back. But he continued to just..argue with me. He wanted me to provide at age at which they can "fuss it out" and that he doesn't "want to give in to the demands of his child". Unless i can provide a source beyond the book I have that says babies this age fuss because they are trying to communicate a need (and with an ability to only wait 2-3 minutes, wants turn to needs fairly quickly) he just won't believe me. It's super frustrating too because I think I'm doing a pretty good job with our little girl...she's happy, loves to explore and really doesn't need to be held a lot...so if i'm saying that she needs attention, i feel like as her mom he should respect that.

Sorry, more venting. it was frustrating last night because he just has this idea that at 7 months if she wants to be out of her high chair or walker that he shouldn't have to respond right away (to him that means before 5 minutes of her fussing). I know he;s sticking to some sort of ideal but even when I tell him if he doesn't want her to learn that fussing is the way to get things then he needs to respond to her when sheS LAUGHING and happy, he counters with "well then she's happy in the walker so i don't need to get her out".

SO FRUSTRATING!

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

@pavlov, I WISH i could get my husband to spend 30-45 minutes a day talking or playing with her. he said that he tries to spend weekends with the family, which is great, but what it really means is we go where he wants to go, and I'm the one carrying her, feeding her, and entertaining her in public. And when I say something like "ok well let's head back for nap time" he says how we always go around the babies schedule. But when she doesn't get her naps in and is cranky, he either decides THAT'S the time he wants togo on his bike ride or run to the store, or thats when he wants to lounge. So.....yes.

I decided not to go to the gym this morning, and i'm going to go in the afternoon after he gets home. He's not particularly happy about it but since he's thwarted ALL my plans to get out for 15-20 minutes, then this is what I have to do to leave and come back. And I agree, i WISH i could just come home and "relax". But there isn't really relaxation time, and the more mobile she gets the more attentive and mobile I have to be with her. And nap times are for housework, bill paying, chores, etc. And 5 pm hits, and i don't get to just shut off. I'm still "on", and by the time she goes down i need to clean up after dinner, pick up, listen to my husband talk about his day, and go to bed at 8:30 pm so i can get up at 4:30 am for the one thing i have in my life that's still mine...

venty venty vent!

tig594 · October 2013

I have been going through the same thing with DD's dad. I've given up completely. We both work full time and apparently coming home, eating the dinner I've cooked, lifting weights and watching tv til bedtime are much more important that his daughter or giving mom a break. The resentment just keeps building.

VPGIRL06 · October 2013

I think he talked to his mom or someone, someone OTHER than me that explained the "time with the baby" thing. He made it a point to let me take a little bit of time on Saturday to go do something while she was awake, and has been coming home and playing with her while she's awake. He's also made its point to not just stare at the TV or his phone and interact with us, which i really appreciate

kgs0505 · October 2013

pavlovcat said:

I think the changes in the marital relationship are the most surprising and unpleasant aspect of having a child. I never, ever would've anticipated some of the conflicts we've encountered and I never had an ounce of resentment toward my husband until our daughter was born. And, from what some of you have said, he's not all that bad!

That was a huge surprise to us too. Our relationship suffered a lot once we added kids. We are finally doing a lot better. Unfortunately it had to come to extremes before we were able to reach out for the help we needed to fix it. It's still being worked on and will continue to be worked on for a long time, but at least things are improving.

OP - I'm glad things are starting to turn around!

mpalmateer7 · November 2013

PP- after I read these two, I felt like I had to chime in, and say "OMG! Me three!!" I am STILL flabbergasted at how much the dynamics of our relationship changed with DS. We barely so much as disagreed with each other in the years before LO, and while we luckily still have a great relationship- I'm not gonna lie... It's been put to the test. It's just so crazy how having a child redefines and tests every boundary. Best wishes to all those still figuring all that out.
OP- IMO, and this is just my opinion-- men need very, very clear instructions and expectations. On everything. Ever. Guys don't know what they're supposed to be doing, or why we're disappointed when they don't read out minds. By clearly communicating what I want DH to do, and what I expect the outcome to be- he can decide how to make that happen (or not). But at least he's in control of that process. All that being said, guys have every right to their own opinion as well, and are licensed to disagree. You and DH may disagree about certain methods of interacting with your child, but as long as you can communicate what you want (more QT and better interaction) and what your goals are (increasing your indepence and regaining "equality"), it's his move to figure out how to make that happen. But he understands all the parts of the process, and regains a sense of ownership while devising the solution. Again, all IMO.
Holy hell! I wrote a novel! Jeez!

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

haha this is true. I actually started owkring from home so he's had to step up..it's either house work or baby cuddles but he needs to do SOMETHING when he gets home. or he can do nothing and the house will be a mess because housework<attention for baby

themarquis0 · November 2013

Okay, I think I might understand the husbands' perspectives a little bit, since my wife is the primary caregiver to our 7 month old and I am not (I'm not a dude -- our kid has two moms

) I personally found it to get kind of hard when DD started being more mobile and more interactive. Yeah, there are lots of new fun ways to interact with her, but she's also constantly squirming, tries to get into/eat everything, wants to go, go, go. I don't have the rhythm my wife has with her, the special games and songs, the special knowledge of how to keep her happy and content. It's all just guesswork. It seems totally exhausting to me to be with her for more than about 5 minutes and I have to fight with myself to spend plenty of time with her.

But you know what? I do. I do spend lots of time with her. Because I'm her parent and it's my job. And I fight with myself constantly and worry that it's not enough and yeah, I know for sure I could do more, I could work harder to make the time in my work schedule to get home earlier. Or to take her out more on the weekends and give my wife a break. Or to wake up earlier on the weekends. Or to get up with her at night more. Or, or, or ... a million things I could do. And I feel guilty all the friggin' time because it's never enough. But at least I try.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like the OP's and other posters' husbands are trying. They're not really being parents. And maybe you are all okay with that, but I sure wouldn't be, and my wife wouldn't be. I'm trying not to be super judgey ... but give me a break! I suck at spending time with my kid but I sure as hell wouldn't act like that. There is no excuse for that. These dudes need to put their big boy panties on and be dads.

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

thank you for the perspective. It does help. I just don't know how involved my husbands dad is, plus his brother did ALL the work with the kids (he and his wife worked), and the mom is a little neglectful of their kids so he's super weird about it (which is kind of stupid since I not only am home with her all day, every day but i also work from home just so i can spend time with her) plus just think he thinks dads are more hands off.

oh well. he's been doing better about spending time with her, which I appreciate and i know he's making some sort of effort

themarquis0 · November 2013

I think I was definitely being super judgey and I'm feeling bad about it now. And I know for sure I'm missing a bit of perspective since I'm not a guy. For men, I think it can be expected and normal to be a bit neglectful or absent. Whereas for women, it is expected that we give up our whole lives for our kids (hence my guilt!)

I guess what it comes down to is what kind of dad does your DH want to be? What kind of relationship does he want with his kid? If he fastforwards five or ten or twenty years ... how does he imagine his relationship with his daughter? If he imagines being close to her and really being a loving, present, father, then he needs to start now, even if it means putting in more time doing stuff that sucks and that is hard. Maybe it is possible to have a conversation about this and get his mental wheels spinning ...

JPinkman · November 2013

Nicb13 said:

DH said "come get me when our kid is 3". Baby stuff is harder for them

Yikes - if your DH could spend a few days with my 3 year old - he would probably change his mind. My 8 month old is a dream compared to my 3 year old.

erinmc1 · November 2013

My hubby has been home for a grand total of 4 weeks since our son was born, and hasn't seen him since he left for deployment in May. But when he was home for a week when J was 6 weeks old, he just stared at me in shock, and asked "why is he crying? he's fed, changed, napped, what's wrong?"

He looked at me like I had two heads when I told him "sometimes babies just cry. a lot." For him, I know it was feeling helpless because he couldn't fix whatever was wrong, so he just sat there and let me comfort him because I had more experience. So for us, and the limited time he's spent with him, it was a lot more about confidence.

A lot of men just lack the nurturing instinct, and they're still stuck in that mindset that the man's the breadwinner and his work is done at 5pm. I know my hubby has a tendency to leave all the heavy lifting at home to me, and we've already agreed on marriage counseling when he gets home to help with those kinds of issues.

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

I agree that the mindset of "work is done at 5" definitely is at play. The other day i was slammed with work so i didn't get a chance to sweep like normal, and he swept a little after dinner and was complaining the entire time! And when I asked why he was giving me a commentary he said "I think i'm entitled to say something when I work all day then come home and help out"

Umm...sorry guy. I'm up at 4:30, home before the kid gets up, take care of her, work during her naps, clean, laundry, and get errands done, make dinner and still do 80% of the work with her when you get home and then work some more until I go to bed.

Oh men....One part is definitely (for my husband at least) a worry about raising a spoiled child. I think he doesn't understand that its OK she wants extra attention and it's OK that she doesn't want to be in her play pen..really all she wants is to be out and about with us, she doesn't even really want to be held. She'd crawl until her legs gave out if I let her....plus, sometimes she JUST WANTS MOMMY and i know it's frustrating for him but at the same time it's kind of the hole he dug himself into. This is what happens when mommy is the caretaker 95% of the time....plus some of it is developmental.

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