Birth after an adoption.

Elreid · October 2013

First, I just want to say that I know that some of the people have had problems having babies, so I do not mean to disrespect any of you when I discuss this. I have lost a child during early pregnancy and I know the feelings that you all have. I was adopted myself and I have also placed a baby for adoption. That is the reason I am posting here.

My problem stems from when I placed my baby for adoption a few years ago. I am now pregnant again and due in a few weeks. Up until now I have been excited and perfectly comfortable with the whole situation. I know I am in a much better place now and I have an amazing SO who supports me in anything I do. Now I have been having a lot of anxiety over the hospital days and the birth. When I placed my daughter, they took her out of the room right away, they barely let me see her by myself and it was an overall very disappointing experience. Now that I am having a baby and I will be coming home with him, I should be excited and happy, but I can't be because I'm so afraid that something will happen at the hospital. I'm nervous that he won't be able to be in the room with me, I don't want them taking him right after the birth and I would really like to be the first to hold my son.

Any advice from other women/birth moms who may have had issues with a birth after an adoption? I'm really nervous and anxious and I know that these are irrational fears...I just need to learn how to get over them.

Also, I have been seeing my dr and therapist. They are both watching me closely and will watch for ppd after my son is born.

maryoosa · October 2013

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Exciting!

I haven't placed a child -but I'm totally an advocate of you getting what you want in the hospital. I think it's fairly customary nowadays for babies to room in with mothers and for babies to be placed directly onto mama's chest after they are born. Our son's mom had him before he was even cleaned up- they placed him right on her and let them hang out like that for at least 20-30 minutes before they even cleaned him up. So- please don't be afraid to tell them that you want that- that you want the baby on you ASAP. This should even be possible if you are having a C-section. You can also typically request that all of the "procedures" they do with babies happen in the room while you are present. If you have had a healthy pregnancy- all of this should be possible. I think it's great that you are seeing your dr and a therapist.

I'd also suggest if you can afford it- that you hire a doula. She can make sure that your wishes are respected in the delivery room - and if you can't afford one- see if there is someone who offers probono care---in my city there is something called the doula-project and they do really affordable care for women who don't have the means to pay their full price.

Good luck! And try not to let your anxiety get the best of you (I say this as someone with an anxiety disorder)!

Rachel Sonnier · October 2013

I am not a birth mom, but I am a PAP with a bio child. This may or may not give you some peace of mind, but if you call, or look on the website of the hospital where you will be delivering, it usually states their nursery, and rooming in policies. I think the PP is right that it is becoming common practice in most hospitals that they give the baby directly to mom after delivery. You can also write a birth plan that states that you would like the baby to stay in your room, that you would like to be the first one to hold the baby, etc.

I chose the hospital where I delivered my son specifically, because they we big advocates of having a birth plan, having newborns do skin to skin and rooming in with mom, instead of being in the nursery. Maybe checking to see what the policies are at your hospital will ease some of your fears and make you feel more in control of the birth and the hospital stay. This may not be much help, but good luck with everything and congratulations!! :-D

Elreid · October 2013

JaxxM said:
I am totally having all those same fears! This is my first after placement as well. From what i have learned in the Bmom support groups i am in - all those concerns/worries are what a lot of us B-moms go through. I have always been happy with my decision but i think my pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me lately. I too see a therapist right now and am worried about PPD.. If you ever need someone to talk, vent or voice your concerns im always here

i am having a lot of nightmares about walking out of the hospital empty handed or something happening to my LO as well...

Just letting you know you're not alone!

this!!! I have had so many nightmares about someone taking him, him getting switched and also SIDS. I hate having all of these nightmares and they seem so real! I would love suggestions for books and anything else that you have felt is helpful!! Feel free to message me anytime

and congrats on your pregnancy!!! It's so exciting

Thanks for all of the input! I have a ton of little things that are important to me and my SO when we have him. So our birth plan is pretty detailed, but we made it short (one page or less) so the nurses would read it.

Ginny0211 · October 2013

I'm so sorry to read that you had the experience you did last time at the hospital. They should not of treated you that way. Unfortunately they just don't know any better. And they probably thought it was best. Most of the hospital staff I dealt with were great but some said hurtful things because they were just clueless when it came to adoption and the feelings of a birth mother.

My birthson was born over a decade ago and when I was pregnant with my daughter I too had some emotions to work through due to my previous hospital experience. My last pregnancy and hospital stay did bring back memories and some of them were painful but overall I was very excited that after over ten years of waiting, I was going to be a Mom. When I was in the hospital with my birthson I kept on telling myself "he's their baby". "It's not my turn, but I will be a mommy one day." And finally that day came. It was hard to believe that I was going to get to leave with her, but once I got settled into the hospital and the nurses kept on referring to us as mom and dad

Those thoughts of this is too good to be true went away and I just enjoyed ( ha minus the pain of labor) the experience. I hope you can do the same. It is such an exciting time when you become a mom!

Most hospitals now, as long as the baby isn't in distress, let you keep your baby with you the whole time except for maybe one or two quick test. And as others have said, you can be the first to hold your baby just tell the nurses your wishes. You can hold your baby before the cord is cut and all the cleaning up and weighing is done. Unless of course the baby is in distress or born with meconium. Make sure to tell the Dr. and nurses your wishes but do prepare yourself for the plan having to change for the safety of the baby. My plan was to hold my daughter right after birth but she was born with meconium so she had to have some extra care and tests firsts. It really didn't take that long and I was able to look at her the whole time since they did everything right in the room. She was then placed in my arms and she was able to sleep in the room with us. Your Dr. Should be familiar with a lot of the hospital's policy in regards to all this so I would ask at your Dr. next visit and/or get in touch with the hospital.

And you mentioned having fears of SIDs. I was a paranoid new mom when my daughter was sleeping. The only way I got a good night sleep ( ha well, the best sleep you can with a NB) was with the Angel Care monitor that alarms if the baby stops breathing. It is pricey unfortunately but it gave me much needed peace of mind. I hope you can get that too.

Sorry for writing a novel.

And Congratulations!

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2013

You've been on my mind a lot lately! PP's said everything that I was going to, except that your SO can go with your baby for the few tests/procedures they can't do in the room. I am distrusting of hospitals and some staff (no offense to anyone!) so my birth plan states that she is to NEVER be alone, even if I am unable and it is the AP's with her. IDK if that makes you feel any better, but a friend with a difficult conception/pregnancy stipulated this in her birth plan and they respected it. You are going to be such a great mom! Can't wait to hear that your little guy was born!

Elreid · October 2013

@jaxxm I have not taken a tour of my hospital because it is the same one were I had my daughter. I have not been to a meeting or support group because I live in a town of 3,000 people and the closest place that they have one is about 1 1/2 hours away...I so wish they had them around here!

@ginny0211 I recently got a breathing monitor and I know it's going to be a god send already! I'm so glad that your overall experience went well with your birthson. I know how hurtful people can be when they talk to us about adoptions. It's so easy to think that we are "just" the birthmom and that we somehow don't matter as much as the AP's. Unfortunately that's what society has done and made people think about adoption.

@carolinagirl2014 I freaking love you! So glad we have been in contact about everything! You are going to be an amazing birthmom and my thoughts are always with you!!!

plus12012 · October 2013

I haven't given birth but, I have had the opportunity to be there both for family members and my daughters B-Mom. Make sure that you are very open and clear with the staff that is working with you on what you want. The hospital and nurses do not own your baby so, you should get to make the call as long as there are no medical complications. Be sure you're SO or whoever else will be in the delivery room with you also understands what you want and that they will speak up for you.

In the delivery room with B-Mom the Dr./Nurses wanted to hand the baby to me first but knowing that wasn't what B-Mom wanted I was able to tell them to please let her hold the baby 1st. I just think it's important that you have a voice and use it to make sure everyone is on the same team.

Congratulations! I am sure everything will go well and can't wait to hear about your LO.

mindaa · October 2013

It is good that you are aware of your fears and are making the effort to deal with them now - from the suggestions it seems like there are plenty of opportunities to do so. That's a great sign that you will have a positive experience.

So don't be hard on yourself for having normal feelings. Even into my adult years, my mom has reflected on her anxiety about having me "rushed away" when I was delivered (she had placed a baby about 10 years prior). That was way back in the 70's... thankfully as a mom today you have more of voice in your delivery!

Want a personalized experience?

Birth after an adoption.

Re: Birth after an adoption.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards