Shower Drama Already - Advice Needed Updated: Spoke to Mom

MMason12 · October 2013

I hate that only being 9 weeks pregnant I am already experiencing some shower drama. I love the advice you ladies always have so I thought I would see what advice you guys could offer me about my situation. Hopefully I can explain this as simple and quick as possible, but no promising!

When I announced one of my SIL's asked if she could work with my Mom on hosting a shower for me. That same week one of my best friends spoke to SIL and my Mom asking if she could please co-host the shower with them as well. In fact because more than one of them wanted to host a shower for me they agreed that my Mom would not be a host so she could enjoy the day with me since this is going to be her first grandchild. The following week my sister sends out an email to my Mom and I stating that she is going to be hosting my shower alone with my Mom.

I responded to her thanking her for the offer to host my shower and I informed her that my SIL and best friend had already offered to all co-host a shower together. I told her I has already accepted their offer to host a shower for me and I hoped that they could all work together. In the same email I told me sister the same thing I have told the other ladies -- my only request that I have in relationship to my shower is 1) guests are not asked to bring a book instead of card; 2) there is no diaper raffle (I am not a charity); 3) guests are not told how to wrap (or not wrap) their gifts; and 4) please do not have guests prefill out their address on an envelope for thank you cards. Other than that I could careless what they do.

My sister basically responds with an email that said, "Fuck you!". She continued on to say that because she is going to be the Aunt and is my sister that she again will be hosting my shower with my Mom and that any of the things that I have requested for the shower are all unreasonable.

Now, I live in Michigan with my Mom, SIL and best friend. My sister lives 10 hours away in D.C. When she offered to host my bridal shower last year my Mom ended up having to do all the work because my sister is not here to do anything. My sister and I are not really that close and we really do not have that great of a relationship. She usually only wants to be involved in something when it involves her being in the spot light. My DH has three sisters so our baby will have four aunts not just her! My SIL is 100% pissed that my sister thinks she is going to be the only aunt our baby has and that she is insistent that she be the only one to host my shower when SIL had already offered.

I was so taken back by my sister's response that I haven't said anything back to her yet. I really have no idea what to say. Part of me wants to say either she agrees to co-host the shower with my SIL and my best friend or she can just not be involved. (Let's not even get into how appalled that I am that my sister would think it's okay to tell the guest what to bring and how to bring it!) Other than that, I really have no idea what to do. Any thoughts from you ladies as to what you would do?

**UPDATE: So I spoke to my Mom while DH and I were out eating dinner with her last night. She told me that she 100% is firm that my SIL and BF will get to help host the shower and that my sister had just better play nice in the sandbox with everyone or my Mom was going to be the one telling her that she isn't welcome to be involved. It was nice to talk to her about it and the fact that she stands where I stand on the issue is great!

I do agree with you ladies that I am not even going to acknowledge the "only aunt" issue. Everyone but her knows that!

At this point **hopefully** my involvement in the shower is over, which is exactly how I want it.

MMason12 · October 2013

RedheadBaker said:

Yikes. Can she host a shower for your side of the family, and SIL/BF host for your H's side of the family?

The only people on DH side of the family who will attend my shower is his Mom and his one sister (the same SIL who would like to host). The rest of his family lives out of state and has already told us they would rather come to see the baby after it's born than for the shower. I cannot blame them there! I really don't think it would be right to let my sister host a shower for my side (30 people) and pawn my SIL/BF with a shower that is going to be 5 people at most -- specially with how my sister is acting.

And again it really goes back to the fact that my sister lives 10 hours away. She cannot actually do anything for the shower other than make phone calls, mail invites, etc. My Mom would end up doing everything herself anyways with my sister getting all the credit.

KatFCo · October 2013

Can you let your mom handle her? Maybe she can explain that they already have local help, appreciate the offer, etc.

It's not like she can force her way in.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

Well, you need to definitely "remind" your sister that she is NOT the only aunt. This child is just as much your DHs as it is yours and HIS FAMILY is just as vested in it as she is.

Where is your mom on this? Can she just work w/ your SIL and friend and put together the shower and throw your sister a bone or two to do to appease her? And this would actually NOT include the invitations because if your sister likes to take all the credit, that's exactly what she'll use the invitations to do.

But really - as she's 10 hours away, she actually has NO power in all of this.

MMason12 · October 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Well, you need to definitely "remind" your sister that she is NOT the only aunt. This child is just as much your DHs as it is yours and HIS FAMILY is just as vested in it as she is.

Where is your mom on this? Can she just work w/ your SIL and friend and put together the shower and throw your sister a bone or two to do to appease her? And this would actually NOT include the invitations because if your sister likes to take all the credit, that's exactly what she'll use the invitations to do.

But really - as she's 10 hours away, she actually has NO power in all of this.

DH and I are having dinner with my Mom tonight. I planned to bring this up to her then and she where she is standing on this all.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

I'll be curious to see an update tomorrow.

I just suggest that you tell your mom that it's important to you that SIL and friend be involved - or even do what they originally wanted to do - have your mom just be an honored guest! This shower is about YOU, your DH, and your unborn child. it's NOT about your sister. You don't want your mom to be in the middle, but you do need her support. If you have that, you'll be able to more effectively deal w/ your sister.

Good luck.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

To add - I don't know what the overall dynamics are like w/ you and your mom vs your mom and your sister, but you can also say that you want to include sister in this as much as possible. BUT the fact that she views herself as "the" aunt - that's an issue and you simply don't want anyone (yourself, your SIL, your friend and even your mom) to be steamrolled by your sister.

neverblushed · October 2013

Tell your sister to contact your SIL and your friend, who have already agreed to hostess, and work it out with them. They will either agree to bring your sister in as a co-hostess, or your sister will refuse to work with them and just be a regular guest.

Other than that, do not get involved in this drama.

Do not let this whole thing about "she thinks she's the only aunt" worry you or play a role in this at all. She can think she's the "only" aunt all she wants. Big deal. Don't dignify that by even deigning to notice it.

cinderin · October 2013

If my sister sent me a "F- You" email, that would be it, no hosting, no co-hosting, she would be lucky to get invited. Who does that?!

kmkaull2 · October 2013

Wow, nice. You've been given good advice. In addition, I would tell them that you'll discuss this all with them after the holidays. Maybe some time will cool everyone's jets?

SparkySharky · October 2013

I would prevent all the drama that is destined to come with your sister planning a shower and decline her generous offer altogether. I would also not offer to let her help with the other one. She's likely to alienate her co-hosts which would be counterproductive to not letting her throw a shower in the first place. But it's the fact that she would refuse to honor the 4 requests you made that is reason enough for me to say, "no, thank you." I wouldn't even need to any of the other reasons. The guests are your friends and family - even though you aren't hosting, it's reasonable that you want to make sure they are treated considerately and not taken advantage of.

As for talking to your mom about it, I'd be a little wary of that, also. She's appears to be stuck in a dynamic where your sister runs roughshod over her. I'd let her know that you were going to decline your sister's offer and not offer to let her help your SIL, and then tell your mom that she is going to be a co-guest of honor (as she originally indicated was her preference) unless she would now prefer otherwise.

If your mom still tries to get you to go along with your sister, then I would compromise by inviting only those members and friends of your family to a small shower that your sister could host - preferably where your sister lives if you have any family at all out there. That keeps the onus on her to do everything and you also have the pleasure of planning a leisurely trip out there with your mom.

twister22 · October 2013

neverblushed said:

Do not let this whole thing about "she thinks she's the only aunt" worry you or play a role in this at all. She can think she's the "only" aunt all she wants. Big deal. Don't dignify that by even deigning to notice it.

You're sister is being BSC with the "only" aunt nonsense. Don't even acknowledge it. SILs are aunts too, and everyone else knows that. Who cares what your sister wants to tell herself.

cinderin said:

If my sister sent me a "F- You" email, that would be it, no hosting, no co-hosting, she would be lucky to get invited. Who does that?!

And this. Don't "reward" your sister by allowing her to play a hosting part in any shower. Decline her offers to host, and let your mom know that you don't want her hosting a shower in case she tries to steamroll your mom. Your sister's behavior is unacceptable, and by allowing her to do what she wants is telling her that her unacceptable behavior is okay.

Empireceo · October 2013

Yeah...if my sister was that rude to me I'd just decline to have her involved altogether. If its this bad now, it will only get worse as the shower approaches. Good luck!

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