No same-sex sibling...

mamaz27 · October 2013

DH and I have been talking about having a third child. We currently have a boy and a girl. DS will be 5 in December and DD was 2 in July. While some say "you are lucky to have one of each" (which of course I know how blessed we are!), I sort of feel bad that one of my kids won't have a sibling of the same sex. I grew up with 2 sisters. Growing up was rough, but we are all now so close! I guess I am trying to imagine the brother/sister relationship my kids will have as adults. I know this isn't a "big" enough reason alone to have a third child, but it is something that I think about often. Only time will tell what sort of relationship my kids will have (it is great right now!) but for some reason I can't stop thinking about the fact that neither one has a same-sex sibling. Any thoughts?

itsmevkb · October 2013

I too grew up with two sisters, no brothers, so I have zero concept of what a brother sister relationship is like first hand. I do, however, have some aunts and uncles who are very close and were close growing up so I don't think that just because they aren't of the same sex it excludes a close relationship. Having said that, it is my mom and her sisters who vacation together, and the brothers are not ever really included.

I sometimes wonder if a brother/sister relationship is easier in some ways as perhaps there is less direct competition. All siblings might compete for academic and/or sports success but perhaps things like popularity and looks are more intense with same-sex siblings?

Not to discourage you from having a third, but if you do are you then going to feel badly that you then have one set of same-sex siblings and your other child doesn't?

Nechie122 · October 2013

That's kind of a ridiculous reason to have a third child. There's absolutely no guarantee that just because two siblings are the same sex that they will have a close relationship.

Anecdata (I'm sure you'll get a lot of this): My DH is closer to his sister than I am to my sister. They're closer in age and I think his parents did a better job with fostering closeness.

I just can't see losing any sleep over this.

cecilyandgautam · October 2013

My parents had two of each, not on purpose, and I'm closer with my brothers than my sister. Having a third sounds great - congrats on your decision! Try to not sweat the sibling dynamics. It'll all work out in your family's own special way.

aglenn · October 2013

I agree it's more about personalities and interests than it is about sex. I know plenty of people with same-sex siblings who are very close, and plenty who are not. Ditto with opposite sex. I grew up with a brother and always wished I had a sister when I was younger, so I kind of get where you are coming from, but really it is less of an issue as an adult rather than more. I have gotten a lot closer to my brother as we got older because we have a lot in common and have that shared history that nobody else 100% gets.

Red_Dahlia · October 2013

It depends more on the kids and their ages than the sex. I have a brother and sister and I'm super not close with either of them. I know women with brothers same age distance as me and my brother who are very close. Just depends on the person I think. My sister is 7 years younger than me. We aren't close and never were growing up. So, if your third one was a boy, the age gap between DS1 and DS2 might be so much that they wouldn't be close no matter that they were the same sex.

mamaz27 · October 2013

Thanks everyone! Believe me, this would not be the only reason we would be having a third child! As others have mentioned, it is hard to not want what you had growing up since that is what we are familiar with. DH had 3 siblings - 2 sisters (twins) and a younger brother. He isn't super close with any of them so I guess in the end, it is all about personalities and upbringing.

DiveFrog · October 2013

Honestly, I think if I would have had a sister we would not be close. I seem to just be a woman who gets along better with men, and I knew it from a very young age. I told my parents to make sure they brought home a brother. Which luckily they did. We definitely have had out moments, fights, typical sibling stuff growing up, but bottom line he is my absolute best friend.

I was a tom-boy as a kid and played sports with the boys. I grew up and became an engineer who works with 90%+ guys. I have a 2-3 girlfriends scattered around the country, but I just don't fit in to the classic "group of girlfriends" or enjoy many of the typical activities women do together.

emberlee3 · October 2013

I have a sister and a brother. As children, my brother and I were BFFs. We are still very close. I am close with my sister, too, more so as we became teenagers and adults than as children. My DH only has a brother, and they are not close at all. I don't think gender affects sibling closeness very much. There are so many other factors--age, personality, family dynamic, interests, etc.

Virgo17 · October 2013

I think you are WAY over thinking this. Have the number of children that seems right for your family. Don't stress over gender, age gaps, etc. There are too many what-ifs involved. Focus on creating a loving home for all of your children and hopefully, they will treat each other with love and respect.

NicoleWI · October 2013

Clearly you can't decide based on that. But, I do get it. I love my brothers dearly but kind of wish I had a sister, too. I see some really close sister relationships where sisters go on trips together, go shopping, out to lunch, share clothes, help each other through dating stuff, etc. I was really glad that my DDs will be sisters, but at the same time, I do wish DS also could have a brother, b/c my brothers and DH and his brothers have special relationships, too. I just think it's different, not worse, just different with sisters, brothers, and sister-brother links. They are all cool, but it would be super neat for all of them to have all the relationships to explore.

That said, again, I do love my brothers and we have a great relationship and are really close. But my brothers together? They can just look at each other and start laughing and know exactly what each other are thinking, and they do stupid movie quotes together and things like that that I'm not part of. Could have worked out totally different if they were different personalities, though.

IrishTraveler · October 2013

I have a brother and a sister, and I'm not particularly close to either one. I wish I had that sisterly relationship other people seem to have with their sisters, but it's not gonna happen. I have twinges of jealousy about it, but it is what it is. And my brother, while awesome, is quite a bit older. That alone would make it difficult for us to be terribly close.

Reality is you can't have children and expect them to be close. You can hope they will be, but in the end, if the don't have enough in common, it won't happen.

skibunny59 · October 2013

In my family it is just me and my brother. We got along just fine growing up and we always played together. Honestly, he was all I had so we kind of HAD to get along. When we were super young I remember if I had friends over or if he had friends over we would all play together with our friends. Still I always wanted a sister. When we get pregnant again I would like to have another girl so DD can have a sister.

Now my brother and I still get along fine but we don't talk all that much. Maybe because he's a guy and guys just don't talk that much. I don't know. I know my mom talks on the phone with her sister everyday and my cousin does the same with her sister.

Maybride2 · October 2013

I think it takes a truly "special" couple to base their family size/number of kids they have on the sex of the kids. Good luck.

Greco1014 · October 2013

It all depends. My DH has a brother close in age to him; they were close growing up and they are super close now. But I (a girl) grew up with only a brother, and we are very close now, too. We weren't always that way, but it had to do more with our age difference (five years) than our genders. Now that we are both adults, we connect a lot more easily. And even though we are a boy and girl, we liked a lot of the same things growing up, and still enjoy those things today (on Friday, we got together to watch the newest Child's Play movie, for example). Personally, I think it's good for a kid to grow up with a sibling of the opposite sex, as it exposes that kid to more things and possibly makes them more well-rounded. My Dh and his brother only ever played sports and did "guy" things growing up, and they can both be a little close-minded nowadays. Meanwhile, I played Ninja Turtles with my brother and he played My Little Ponies with me, and I think we're both more well-rounded because of things like that.

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