Dealing with custody changes

carebear939 · October 2013

So we are in the middle of changing custody with SD (6yo) and things have gotten pretty ugly. BM moved 3 hours away and was just planning on taking SD with her until DH reminded her that the court order says SD will stay with the non-moving parent until the courts decide. Well, she didn't file paperwork with the court until Sept. 9th, and our court date isn't until Mar. 3rd. So we have had full custody since the beginning of the school year. BM gets one weekend off of work a month, so she has been driving in and picking up SD for that weekend. This weekend was her weekend to have her, but every time she drops her off SD makes life miserable for our family. We are "mean", we are "keeping her from her mom", her mom is the "only one that loves her". After a few days things get better although we still have some issues with attitude and being appreciative when we do things for her, like take her swimming and stuff. We understand this is confusing for her and we have tried to talk to her, leaving out most of the details. Is there any way to help her with this transition without letting her be disrespectful of our family?

sweetwalks · October 2013

Therapy. Definitely.

Ilumine · October 2013

Therapy with someone who specializes in divorce and maybe even some Parental Alienation.

I would highly suggest looking for someone who works with the court system, so s/he knows the ways of the court world.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

I agree with PPs about therapy. We had similar issues with K when DH started getting more time with her (we have her about 40% of the time) and she was coming over saying things like this. 6 year olds don't come up with this stuff on their own, they are repeating what they are being told. But also, she is probably trying to quiet that voice in her head that's telling her Mommy abandoned her. Because really, she kinda did. Definitely look into a therapist that is willing to testify if needed.

As for what you can do at home, just tell SD that you love her and that you know this is hard for her. Keep things as stable and consistent as you possibly can. At 6, her disrespectful behavior is necessarily deliberate, it's just her trying to sort out how she's feeling. When she's rude, reprimand the behavior and move on. Understand that the first day she comes back is going to be the hardest. I don't remember who said it here, but one of the Members said it takes something like 3 months for kids to adjust (this was on a different post). SD has only had a month or so to try and figure out what the heck is going on. More time, more love, and more understanding is all you can really do for her.

mom2one · October 2013

A 6 year old may very well understand and feel she is being kept from her mom. Quite literally, your DH IS keeping her from her mom. I will never understand why people think kids can't see what is RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM without someone "planting" the idea.

Banana44 · October 2013

What was the custody schedule like before BM moved?

sweetwalks · October 2013

@mom2one would BM moving 3 hours away not be "keeping" the girl from her father?! BM chose to move that far away, knowing what the CO said. OP's DH isn't keeping their daughter away from BM.

Wahoo · October 2013

The book Divorce Poison deals with parental alienation. You might use it as a reference.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

sweetwalks said:

@mom2one would BM moving 3 hours away not be "keeping" the girl from her father?! BM chose to move that far away, knowing what the CO said. OP's DH isn't keeping their daughter away from BM.

BM is keeping herself away from her DD, plain and simple. @mom2one if you truly believe that 6 year olds can see what's in front of them and don't need prompting, then OP's SD would be able to see that her mother moved away. No one is "keeping" the child from her mother.

carebear939 · October 2013

Unfortunately, the CO states that both parents have to agree to therapy and BM flatly refused when DH tried to talk to her about it. So until we get a new CO, no therapy. I think she needs it and we will try everything to make that work after the new court date. I realize this is hard for her and I feel for her. I am just sick of her upsetting everyone because she is upset. I will try the suggestions you all gave me.

Before she moved it was 50/50. We did 2 weeks and 2 weeks to accommodate BM's former work schedule.

Also DH is not keeping her from her mother, BM choose to move in with her BF and leave SD with us. DH bends over backward to have SD see her mother. Last week when BM had a day off in the middle of the week, she called that day and said she was coming into town, and DH happily let SD spend the night with her.

We are trying to shield her from what is going on, no 6 yo should have to know all the drama. Unfortunately I feel like we are the only ones.

Ilumine · October 2013

I have some options.

1) contact your lawyer about BM's refusal to allow SD get therapy. have him/her write a letter to BM's lawyer requesting therapy again. Then when you DO get to court you can so use this against her.

2) talk to the school guidance counselor. Give them heads up that the new custody situation is creating some havoc at home and that it may lead to some issues at school. you can even let it all hang out and tell them that BM is not allowing therapy to help SD deal with the issue; could they help her a bit?

3) do you go to church? Some extra time with the children's minister may help.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

Ilumine said:

I have some options.

1) contact your lawyer about BM's refusal to allow SD get therapy. have him/her write a letter to BM's lawyer requesting therapy again. Then when you DO get to court you can so use this against her.

2) talk to the school guidance counselor. Give them heads up that the new custody situation is creating some havoc at home and that it may lead to some issues at school. you can even let it all hang out and tell them that BM is not allowing therapy to help SD deal with the issue; could they help her a bit?

3) do you go to church? Some extra time with the children's minister may help.

^^All of this, especially #1

When DC and I first separated I wanted to put DS in therapy. DC wouldn't allow it. We went to Court and the Judge asked DC flat out, "Why don't you want your son in therapy? Are you afraid he'll say something you don't want Jo knowing?". The Judge ordered DS see a therapist and it helped tremendously.

joshsmandy · October 2013

Sometimes the school counselor a are willing to act as a therapist for kids with situations as well, it won't hurt to ask

twister22 · October 2013

Ilumine said:

I have some options.

1) contact your lawyer about BM's refusal to allow SD get therapy. have him/her write a letter to BM's lawyer requesting therapy again. Then when you DO get to court you can so use this against her.

2) talk to the school guidance counselor. Give them heads up that the new custody situation is creating some havoc at home and that it may lead to some issues at school. you can even let it all hang out and tell them that BM is not allowing therapy to help SD deal with the issue; could they help her a bit?

3) do you go to church? Some extra time with the children's minister may help.

Definitely do all of this, but especially #1, asap. Also a PP that school counselors can "act" as a therapist without breaking the CO since they're technically just a school counselor, not a therapist. My friend's DD(9) sees the school counselor 3x a week as my friend & her XH are in a very nasty divorce situation, and the XH won't agree to DD being in therapy (she too is working on getting that fixed.)

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