Baptism Guest List- Advice Needed (Long)

mmm50 · October 2013

Our priest just called to schedule this LO's baptism for December 1st (this ish is getting real quickly!). We're planning a 1:00 ceremony Sunday afternoon and a light reception type thing afterwards. The problem is the guest list.

Some background: my entire family is Catholic- both my mom and my dad's sides, but only a handful of the families go to Mass regularly/at all. My parents and siblings/grandparents/and one of my dad's sisters and her family. The rest of the family is kind of "Christmas and Easter Catholics" and one of the sisters and her kids haven't been to church since the youngest who is my age was in 2nd grade. (Not that it's my place to judge how much they go to church-- just an illustration that there are varying degrees of "religious-ness" --for lack of a better word-- some of them have faith beliefs but don't formally practice a religion- some of them don't practice any religion at all) DH converted to Catholicism after we got married, but his family has a similar range of "religious-ness" of various types of Christianity (his mom attends a UCC church, his sister a Methodist church, etc.) and some that don't practice a religion at all.

So I was going over the potential guest list with DH and we agreed on one that is about 24-25 people-- basically our parents and siblings, our grandparents, the priest, DH's godmother, and DH's aunt/uncle couple that we would have chosen as godparents if they were Catholic. We feel like that's the perfect size for our house for a light lunch type reception. I mentioned this to my mom over the weekend and she's insisting we need to invite my whole family-- basically everyone that typically comes to birthdays/etc. That would be a guest list of 54-55 people total-- way too many for our house to fit comfortably in the winter (We've had big parties in the summer when we can use our patios/sunroom- but in Ohio in December that's out of the question.).

I've tried to tell her that it's just too many people/baby will only be a couple weeks old/germs/house is too small/etc. I've also tried the "I'm not having a 1st birthday party with 70 people so I have to draw the line sometime/somewhere" argument-- but that didn't resolve the issue either. She's insisting we have to invite everyone and that we can use her house if ours is too small. I personally just think it's too much for an infant baptism-- and I really don't want to draw the line anywhere between those two groups since that would be sort of inviting people based on how "religious" they are-- so I'd like to keep it to the minimum family group. And I don't really want to have it at her house because LO will be more comfortable at our house and since I'll be supplying the majority of the food it's just easier to do it at our house-- and I don't want to have this argument again at his first birthday party when we only invite the 20 closest family members-- I'm trying to nip it in the bud before she perpetually uses the "our house is big enough" offer in perpetuity.

Am I being a beotch? Should I just suck it up and invite everyone and have it at her house? Any other ideas/words of wisdom?

fitmama418 · October 2013

Mmmm this is tough. First off, I don't think the "level of religiousness" point you made plays a part at all so...moving past that.

Personally, if my mother and father offered up their home in order to accommodate more people, I would graciously accept. Not sure what your EDD is but by then hopefully your LO will be a month old. If people are sick, I'd hope they'd be smart enough to utilize common sense and stay home. Finally, just because 50-some people are invited doesn't mean all will show.

fitmama418 · October 2013

Basically my rule of thumb is: if people make absurd demands of your events, and they are willing to take it on to have it done "their way," then sure! Spend your money and use your time/resources as you wish. B-)

mmm50 · October 2013

@nciesla I brought it up because I think my mom's argument when I told her about our small list was "oh you have to invite Aunt SoandSo she goes to church" and I'm not drawing those lines. It's either we invite the small list or everyone. I guess I didn't explain that enough.

Karadee1 · October 2013

We're only going to invite my immediate family and DH's immediate family. We're catholic, and our church doesn't do individual baptisms, they do one ceremony a month that includes no more than 4 baptisms. We all stand around the fountain in the back of the church, so there wouldn't be enough room for any more people. The ceremony lasts all of, I think 10 minutes? I think keeping it an intimate family event is way more reasonable.

mmm50 · October 2013

I think you're right @nciesla and @dollphnfreek10 . I think it was just rubbing me the wrong way that my mom was trying to take over. My mom is also the one insisting that I have to invite the "religious" ones in the family-- but to me it's either the minimum family members or the big family-- I'm not going to draw the line on whether or not someone is "religious." DH is pretty adamant about not having the big celebration- I think because things in his family are done on a much smaller scale. Or maybe because he doesn't want it to be a "my family" thing if my parents are hosting-- he doesn't see things that way, but sometimes I think his parents do.

I think DH and I will talk about the logistics to see if our house is possible- and if not we'll plan on my parents hosting and maybe taking care of some of the food that isn't as easy to transport and we'll bring the others.

Thanks for talking some sense into me!

mmm50 · October 2013

caradi said:

We're only going to invite my immediate family and DH's immediate family. We're catholic, and our church doesn't do individual baptisms, they do one ceremony a month that includes no more than 4 baptisms. We all stand around the fountain in the back of the church, so there wouldn't be enough room for any more people. The ceremony lasts all of, I think 10 minutes? I think keeping it an intimate family event is way more reasonable.

I think only the immediate family would come to the ceremony, probably about 20 people. I was talking more about the reception afterwards.

lafsalot · October 2013

I'd say it's your call... Where we live it is normal for people to have a ton of people for these kinds of events, but DH and I are not from here... His family followed him here and now live here but mine are stretched all over. My Godfather asked to be invited, other than that we are inviting family (mom, dad, sister, grandparents) the godparents and a few close friends.... Ours will still probably be with both sides 20-40 people with Lo's... Ours is not quite 2weeks after I am being induced... So I am leery of germs with too many people.

CarrieB. · October 2013

DH and I have been invited to baptisms and we don't go to church at all. I didn't know that was a requirement for an invite.

MsCrispy · October 2013

I would ignore the level of religiousness and be equal between both sides. So if you want to invite one aunt, then I would invite all aunts.

We will invite godparents, grandparents, parents, and siblings. That is all I want to host and all that I want involved.

If someone, like your MIL wanted to host the party afterwards and lived in town, then I would let her go for it. It is hard to host a party when you will be gone before it (we had the party right after the service), so if someone else wanted to do it, I would jump at the opportunity.

mmm50 · October 2013

CarrieB. said:

DH and I have been invited to baptisms and we don't go to church at all. I didn't know that was a requirement for an invite.

It absolutely isn't and that was my point. I wanted to keep it to the smallest family group possible, regardless of whether they go to church at all (most of them do, but that's because we were all raised Catholic and continue to practice it). When my mom was insisting we had to invite Aunt Blahblah because she goes to church I don't see that as a reason to invite someone. I see it as we either invite the smallest intimate family group-- just LO's aunts/uncles and grandparents, or we invite the whole family. I wasn't about to make the distinction between who goes to church/how often they go/etc.

mmm50 · October 2013

@LJGS1010 I can't imagine 250 people!

Thanks everyone for your advice! DH and I have some major discussing ahead of us!

IforShort · October 2013

IMO I think it is important to establish boundaries early on. I'd be respectful and thank mom for the offer to use her house but stand firm on the number you and DH are comfortable with. She may be unhappy at first but eventually she will learn that you and DH make the decisions for your family, not her.

Gracie1455 · October 2013

I also agree with the PP saying your kid, your call. I would recommend inviting the number of people that work best for you and DH. If your mom wants to be involved as a helper, she can still help clean and cook for a smaller group at your place, if that is what you choose.

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