Opposite Side of Multi-Family Vacation

PSU_Texan · October 2013

Have you ever been the one who didn't want to go on a multi-family vacation?

My MIL has this grand idea of going to Disney World with us, our 2 girls, and our 2 nieces. Note I didn't say my SIL and BIL. They can't/don't want to pay for flights, hotel stay, tickets, etc. So MIL has offered to pay for our nieces and we'd have to pay for the 4 of us.

I don't want to go for multiple reasons. I think it's unfair that we have to pay for everything ourselves, even though we can definitely afford it. I also don't want to have to be a parent to 4 kids under the age of 10. My ILs are in ok health but they definitely tire out and couldn't go all day long at WDW. Any time we're all together, even if my SIL is there, I end up being the only one parenting (helping the kids get food, clean up, behave, etc). I also feel like our ideas of how this trip should go from the level of hotel to daily activities are different. And finally, we really wanted to go to WDW the first time with just our little family of 4.

My husband is in agreement with all these things. He tried to go the route of "hey guys, do you know how expensive this is going to be" because they are notoriously cheap. Unfortunately, I think he's going to have to be very blunt, as in "we're not doing this". I know this is really going to hurt my MIL's feelings.

Would you say no way, no how? Or would you take the first few days with just our family and then let them tag along for the last few days and just suck up the rest?

aglenn · October 2013

We are in a similar situation with my mom wanting to coordinate a Disney trip with us and my brother, SIL, and niece. It started with Disney World (they are all East Coast) and I said that was too far for us with two little ones. Then she suggested Disneyland, but I really feel like DS is just too little and we would do nothing but chase him randomly around and trek back and forth to the hotel for naptime, so not much fun in exchange for a lot of effort and expense. She is now suggesting a Disney cruise, which might be more manageable for us, so I may have to compromise. Part of it for us, though, is that we are on the opposite coast so getting together with the family like that is rare. Annoying as it is most of the time, I also feel like it's important to try to work something out. How about suggesting something other than Disney that would be cheaper and less hassle?

*sparky* · October 2013

I wouldn't go. A DW trip is expensive and you want it to be something you will enjoy. It doesn't sound to me like you would enjoy this trip.

kristennd · October 2013

We declined a group vacation even though our in-laws would have paid. It just didn't sound fun. And they were mellow about it. So declining something that you'd pay for (although they're really under no obligation to pay) should be even easier.

jf198400 · October 2013

Personally I would not want to be responsible for kids other than my own on a trip as expensive and stressful as Disney. I would decline.
We have done Disney with DH's family before any of us had kids and I imagine we may go again someday but only if it works for our family. Both DH's brother and sister have already gone to Disney with their kids, we are planing to wait til they're older.

emberlee3 · October 2013

If you were planning to do WDW sometime this year, then I would say try to work out a compromise (just your family for part of the time, then meet up with them). Otherwise, skip it.

Mustardseed2007 · October 2013

I agree with @emberlee3. Also, if you aren't in agreement about level of accommodations or dining then I would book the stuff you want to do and then meet up with them occasionally. You don't have to spend every day or every part of every day with them.

KKCARLS · October 2013

We went on a multi-family trip last summer to vegas without kids - my three siblings and parents. The fact that we all had different budgets make it tough and I think by the end my parents regretted it. They like to go all out on trips and the rest of us are either cheap in general or broke and just getting there was all they could afford. At the beginning all my mom kept saying was how great it would be to do a family trip every year. Haven't heard the sentiment repeated since we got back over a year ago

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I would not go if my nieces and nephews were going but not their parents. I would end up having to do all the parenting and probably pick up a lot of the expense of the other kids. Talk with your SIL and BIL and see if they would be willing to go to a different vacation. Maybe they think the multi family vacation is a terrible idea so saying they can't afford it is their way to get out of it and if you tell your in-laws that you want to go on a vacation that everyone can afford you can probably skirt the whole issue because the SIL and BIL will always use their excuse and you'll use yours.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

I'd just say no. You KNOW how this is going to go. Just say no. You can't control her feelings.

mommymegan831 · October 2013

I think you're looking at this the wrong way. Your inlaws are choosing not to go, so your MIL has offered to take their kids. Obviously you wouldn't, but you could always do the same thing and if your ILs offer to pay for your kids just tell them that's too much for them to handle. I also don't think you should assume you're going to be in charge of any kids other than your own. One of my SILs often corrects my kids' behaviors before I get to it, or it may be something I didn't think needed to be addressed, and honestly it bothers me and I wish she'd keep her mouth shut. It's also not your husband's role to tell your parents how much this will cost. They're adults, they can research the price and determine what is and isn't in their budget. Finally, they're inviting you, why would you let them tag along?

I've done vacations with my ILs to the beach, I don't love it but I suck it up because it's just the beach. BIL and SIL have gone to DW a few times with MIL and FIL. We've started to talk about Disney, although we've decided to do a cruise for now instead. FIL said if we wanted they'd come along and I honestly told them I'd like to do a family vacation with the four of us for once. We do enough things with them that I don't feel bad at all taking sometime for ourselves.

Netty_3 · October 2013

I feel your pain my mom paid for everyone but us a few years ago and then helped everyone else but us again this year. However I'm pretty independent and wouldn't accept anyway. I was glad it allowed everyone to go. I was really nervous about my crazy family...but it was the best trip we've ever gone on and they were s big reason for it.

Netty_3 · October 2013

Plus...people will want to do their own thing too. We had a good mix of just us and extended family time.

st.augbride · October 2013

We have a family trip to Disney planned in Feb and can't wait! We love Disney and have been a million times, so we never feel stressed trying to hit things and just go at our own pace. Plus, that's the time of year to be there... That said, this is a trip we've been looking forward to and will be us, my mom for one day of it, and dh's parents the whole time. We are excited about this setup. However, MIL decided to tell dh's cousin (who has a 2 yr old) to come with us. We SO do not want to merge this trip with them. It would really take away from it for us. Dh has yet to tell his mom this but needs to... I refuse to spend that time and money trying to coordinate plans with another family. It's too stressful. So, I'm in the same boat as you trying to get dh to speak up!!! He completely agrees, but his mom takes these things the wrong way often.

financialdiva · October 2013

I would definitely say no.

mommymegan831 · October 2013

st.augbride said:

We have a family trip to Disney planned in Feb and can't wait! We love Disney and have been a million times, so we never feel stressed trying to hit things and just go at our own pace. Plus, that's the time of year to be there... That said, this is a trip we've been looking forward to and will be us, my mom for one day of it, and dh's parents the whole time. We are excited about this setup. However, MIL decided to tell dh's cousin (who has a 2 yr old) to come with us. We SO do not want to merge this trip with them. It would really take away from it for us. Dh has yet to tell his mom this but needs to... I refuse to spend that time and money trying to coordinate plans with another family. It's too stressful. So, I'm in the same boat as you trying to get dh to speak up!!! He completely agrees, but his mom takes these things the wrong way often.

I'm sorry but how do you really expect your MIL to tell your DH's cousin never mind please don't come. Now that they've been invited if they go you'll have to try to do a few things with them, maybe a character meal or something, but I wouldn't feel obligated to spend the whole time with them

st.augbride · October 2013

mommymegan831 said:

st.augbride said:

We have a family trip to Disney planned in Feb and can't wait! We love Disney and have been a million times, so we never feel stressed trying to hit things and just go at our own pace. Plus, that's the time of year to be there... That said, this is a trip we've been looking forward to and will be us, my mom for one day of it, and dh's parents the whole time. We are excited about this setup. However, MIL decided to tell dh's cousin (who has a 2 yr old) to come with us. We SO do not want to merge this trip with them. It would really take away from it for us. Dh has yet to tell his mom this but needs to... I refuse to spend that time and money trying to coordinate plans with another family. It's too stressful. So, I'm in the same boat as you trying to get dh to speak up!!! He completely agrees, but his mom takes these things the wrong way often.

I'm sorry but how do you really expect your MIL to tell your DH's cousin never mind please don't come. Now that they've been invited if they go you'll have to try to do a few things with them, maybe a character meal or something, but I wouldn't feel obligated to spend the whole time with them

Because apparently she did it in a "oh, you should come" kind of way that was more in passing rather than a formal invite. So we don't know if they took it seriously or not yet, but dh needs to tell MIL to nip it in the bud by NOT bringing it up to them again.

2-Step · October 2013

We get this a lot with our ILs and they even offer to pay oftentimes, which makes it even harder to say no. However, we only have so much vacation time and it's not that we can't afford it, it's that we don't want to go. We've tried the "too much money" route, but they find ways to pay for it, so then we can't say no. I've found the best thing is just to be honest up front. We are still dealing with this on a regular basis from three sides of the family and it is stressful. We haven't had a vacation with just our family of four ever because things are planned a year in advance and we feel the need to make it fair and spend time with all of them, then there are weddings etc. This time I'm putting my foot down and just saying no thanks, we have other plans this year.

rubber_chicken · October 2013

I feel sad for your nieces. Is this their only real chance at a trip to Disney? I would suck it up for 2 or 3 days so they could go, but that's probably sufficient. I don't think it needs to be a whole week long thing.

PSU_Texan · October 2013

Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate the different ideas. I too feel sad for my nieces; but their parents are allowed to prioritize family trips as they wish. I don't think it's a "given" that kids have to go to WDW.

We do family trips to the IL's house; they live in a tourist destination and have a place at the beach. The other big issue is that if we cave and go on this trip, we'll piss off my mom who also wants to go with us to WDW. There is a ton of jealousy bt the grandmothers and constant comparison of time we spend with each. They both have beach places (I know first world problems). I just get tired of every vacation being spent trying to placate the families. KWIM?

EastCoastBride · October 2013

PSU_Texan said:

The other big issue is that if we cave and go on this trip, we'll piss off my mom who also wants to go with us to WDW. There is a ton of jealousy bt the grandmothers and constant comparison of time we spend with each. They both have beach places (I know first world problems). I just get tired of every vacation being spent trying to placate the families. KWIM?

But what happens if you don't go w/ your MIL but then later go and invite your mom? Will your MIL then be pissed?

Maybe you need to stop placating and just start taking vacations w/ just your little nuclear family. Stop spending it w/ people who are only going to guilt you over it.

SunAndRain · October 2013

I turned down an all expense paid trip to Hawaii because I knew I'd spend the entire week taking care of my demanding mother (who is perfectly capable to taking care of herself but is highly stressed, anxious and nervous).

I would absolutely turn down a trip to a destination that we didn't want to go to...in fact we did that just last month! It wasn't a toddler friendly location and I wasn't about to leave her behind for this particular opportunity.

I never though about being sad for my nieces who don't get to travel as much. They are very active, loved and happy. Clearly their parents don't place as high a priority on traveling (as evidenced by my current headache).

2-Step · October 2013

PSU_Texan said:

Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate the different ideas. I too feel sad for my nieces; but their parents are allowed to prioritize family trips as they wish. I don't think it's a "given" that kids have to go to WDW.

We do family trips to the IL's house; they live in a tourist destination and have a place at the beach. The other big issue is that if we cave and go on this trip, we'll piss off my mom who also wants to go with us to WDW. There is a ton of jealousy bt the grandmothers and constant comparison of time we spend with each. They both have beach places (I know first world problems). I just get tired of every vacation being spent trying to placate the families. KWIM?

I feel ya! We are in the same boat. The grandparents aren't outright jealous, but as soon as we do something with one the other is calling us to plan the next big thing six months later. My DH tends to just go with the flow, but it bothers me because half the fun for me is planning my own vacation, not just showing up to someone else's. I love them all and want everyone to be happy, but it's really hard because we have the only grandkids for three sets of grandparents!

I think the only answer is to let everyone know your plans to vacation alone this year, and that you'll switch off vacationing with the other parts of the family once per year or once every other year or whatever you feel comfortable with. That is what we are trying to do, but then there are weddings and other random trips that have popped up. MIL even made a big production of giving us a trip with her for christmas last year and bought the plane tickets without telling us! I feel like a horrible person for being the only one to say - oh no thanks, but at the same time I feel like it's a way of controlling us and making us feel that we can't say no.

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