"Birth day" fears

Elreid · October 2013

So as I have mentioned before, I am adopted and I have placed a baby girl for adoption three years ago. Now that this is my turn to be mommy, I'm starting to really worry about how the first few hours and days will go in the hospital. When I had my first and placed her for adoption, they let the adoptive mother and everyone else hold her first, they took her out of the room right away and nothing went well, honestly. I had an easy delivery, but after that things went downhill so fast.
I KNOW deep down that my fears of them taking away my son and that bonding won't go well are so dumb, but I'm seriously thinking of writing a birth plan and being really specific. (Is that too far?) it would include things like who gets to hold LO first, who is allowed in the room, who gets to be around him during the first few days...I really am so scared that I will not be leaving the hospital with a baby. We have literally everything ready for when he comes home, but it still hasn't hit me yet that I'm going to be mommy this time.
My life has always been surrounded with people leaving and being taken from me that I can't imagine this being any different. (Even though it will be) I keep having dreams that he will pass from SIDS or other things like that.
Any advice from other moms?
Anyone else with irrational fears?

I have seen my dr and I am going to a therapist. I have been seeing the same drs since I placed my baby for adoption and they will be watching closely for ppd.

just wanted to see if these are things that other moms think about or if it's just me worrying too much.

dobrydney · October 2013

I'm a FTM but I think you're doing the right thing by getting the help you're already getting. I would definitely write a birth plan, or at least let your doctor and support people know what your wishes are. It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and when I'm anxious anything I can do to feel more in control is helpful, so I say why not?! Best of luck!

mom2curlygirls · October 2013

First off I am so sorry ((((HUGS)))). I had major issues when I had my first daughter. My Mom is a POS parent and was in and out of my life growing up. When she wanted me, she would take me. When she didn't, off I'd go to my Father. So I put an end to it in the seventh grade and said no more. I stayed with my Dad. When I got pregnant with my first I was terrified I would be the same type of Mom...lacking any maternal instincts, etc. I did not know how I would bond with my baby or if I would just feel numb. I can promise you, once you hold that baby and look into their face you will be attached for life. The fact that you are worried about it means you care enough to make every effort to be a wonderful Mom. And it's not just first time Moms. When I had my second I was worried about the same thing. I thought I may not be able to love another one. It's laughable now, but I completely understand what you are saying.

Elreid · October 2013

dobrydney said:
I'm a FTM but I think you're doing the right thing by getting the help you're already getting. I would definitely write a birth plan, or at least let your doctor and support people know what your wishes are. It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and when I'm anxious anything I can do to feel more in control is helpful, so I say why not?! Best of luck!

I have SO much anxiety over all of this. I am now a stay at home mom, so as I sit here cleaning and trying to waste time, it seems to be all I think about! Thanks for answering

dobrydney · October 2013

Elreid said:

I'm a FTM but I think you're doing the right thing by getting the help you're already getting. I would definitely write a birth plan, or at least let your doctor and support people know what your wishes are. It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and when I'm anxious anything I can do to feel more in control is helpful, so I say why not?! Best of luck!
I have SO much anxiety over all of this. I am now a stay at home mom, so as I sit here cleaning and trying to waste time, it seems to be all I think about! Thanks for answering

And...FWIW...I think a lot of us have anxiety about similar things, so I wouldn't beat yourself up thinking it's solely because of your situation. I'm super anxious about making sure DH and I have time with our LO before everyone and their brother "intrudes", worried about bonding with her, about how she will change our lives, about EVERYTHING...but I think it's normal :-) And as a PP stated, it shows you care that you're worried about it.

mmm50 · October 2013

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm glad your doctor and therapist know what is going on so that they can keep a close eye on you. I don't think a birth plan is taking it to far-- as long as you keep in mind that it might not be followed exactly. Writing it all out might help you to visualize the birth of your LO and how you would like for things to go. I hope that you find peace of mind regarding your upcoming birth and arrival of your little one.

barista411 · October 2013

((Hugs)) That sounds like a very difficult thing to go through.

I think a birth plan is a great option for you. Make sure DH is well informed of what your wishes are so he can advocate for you.

Also check with your hospital to see what their policies are. Ours only allows 3 people in the delivery room and they give the mom the passes so she can dictate who gets them. Mine also has a rooming in policy where you can choose to keep the baby with you at all times. They also have a security bracelet on the baby that will set of an alarm if the baby leaves the PP wing. If you haven't done a hospital tour I would highly recommend it. The nurses can answer any questions you may have that might eliminate how much has to go on the birth plan because it is already standard.

Elreid · October 2013

A detailed birth plan will, i think, be so helpful in all of this. I am not really sure of what all I actually want to happen. So many things will happen fast and I am sure that I will remember things as I go along in the birth process about what I want. I am going to sit down tonight and talk to C about what I want and, of course, what his wants/needs will be on the special day! We are so excited to be parents and we know that a lot of this will be better once I walk through my front door and we are all home together. It really helps that we live in such a small town and a lot of the nurses and drs will know us, so they will have at least a little bit of a background on the situation. We are so blessed and excited, and I know these are all irrational fears of mine. Tonight should be fun...going through all of the little things that I want/need for the big day. Poor C.

Thanks for being supportive ladies.Cant wait to "meet" all the adorable babies that will soon be here!

DebateThis · October 2013

Oh gosh, I just want to hug you. I think a very specific birth plan would be helpful, and talk through these fears with your OB and your husband in the coming weeks so you're all on the same page. If you aren't emotionally ok with relaying everything that happened last time to the nurses, make it clear to your H/the OB(s) that you want them to pass on the memo to the nurses as soon as you get to triage. They can put a note in your file so that everyone is aware and it'll be a big help.

I know it's SO not as huge a deal in the grand scheme of things but my midwives put a note in my file about my previous losses and IVF/several years of infertility and when I got to triage the nurse was incredibly compassionate about everything.

Good luck! You'll do great.

katie.725 · October 2013

I agree with the PP... Kudos to getting help and being on top of this. A birth plan will only help you! Be as detailed as possible and ready for any situation.

I'm sorry about your previous experience, that had to have been really hard, you gave a gift to someone who otherwise wouldn't have gotten that gift. My siblings are adopted so I know you made that family's dreams come true.

Now it is your turn for your dream. Plan it out, keep an open dialogue with your Doc and therapist as well as journaling what you'd like to see happen and your feelings...

We are always here for support too.

Best of Luck @Elreid!

ETA: I am also very scared about how the whole birth process will go.... You're not alone

mm&es · October 2013

I am so sorry for everything you went through with your last birth. It is wonderful that you are in counseling.

A detailed birth plan will definitely help. Even if things don't go exactly as planned, your basic wishes can be respected. If you can't be the first to hold the baby, make sure your parnter is. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page, as he may be in a better position than you to advocate for your wishes. Perhaps you could even hire a doula, and let her know exactly what your fears are.

Check with your hospital policies about rooming in. It seems like that would be the best option for you. If you room in, they won't take take the baby to the nursery to sleep. You can even request no bath (recent studies say this is better for the baby, anyways), and medical checks / weighing, etc., occur in your room. If the hospital isn't open to this, you can have your partner accompany the baby during the check-ups and bath.

Good luck. You will get through this!

annabobo · October 2013

Can't imagine what you're going through. Such a difficult situation. It sounds like writing it all out would be a great idea to ease your anxiety around the situation. Just get it out of your head and let your support team know what you need. Hugs to you.

babymama619 · October 2013

I might suggest that you have a very open and honest conversation with your doctor. Maybe even schedule a special appointment for the talk. Good luck.

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SharonB222 · October 2013

Definitely write a detailed birth plan - for yourself/DH ... and then decide what's appropriate for the birthing coach/nurse/doctor's to know - maybe all, maybe some. BTW - My DD was placed immediately on my chest but I was zoned out - I could appreciate she was here, but didn't have that magical bonding moment some folks talk of (and some don't). In fact, recovering from my previous traumas (recurrent early loss), I first consider myself a "mom" when she was 15 mos old. My BFF has been very encouraging and I am gaining more confidence and faith every day! All in good time!!!!

fiddlefern · October 2013

I agree with the advice the other ladies have given you about having a detailed birth plan for your own piece of mind. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Sending you tons of hugs.

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