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March 2014 Moms
WoodShopGirl
member
Advice please - MH and I disagree on labor room visitors (Long)
WoodShopGirl
member
This weekend I brought up the subject with MH of who will be in the room during labor and delivery. I had mentioned to him that I wanted him and potentially my Mom, but I wasn't 100% sure about my Mom yet. He basically told me that if my Mom was in the room, I also HAD to let his Mom be there as it would be unfair otherwise. I disagree.
Now that I have thought about it, I think I am leaning towards having my Mom present more and more. Although we don't see eye to eye always, she is very good about dealing with physical stress (she actually trained me to run marathons) and even if she doesn't agree with all of my decisions I think she will be a good advocate. Although she is not a medical provider, she does work in administration for a large hospital and is usually very good about knowing what and who to ask to get a good patient experience.
On the other hand, for a laundry list of reasons there is NO WAY I want my MIL present. Without venting (too much) she and I just don't get along and with this pregnancy it has only been worse. She has no respect for boundaries - when I said for the 3rd time not to touch my belly she basically told me I had no say as I was just the vessel for her grandchild and what I wanted didn't matter. She also has made it very clear how much better boys are than girls, and how disappointed she will be if I have a girl. (Let's not even justify that thinking with a discussion.)
IMO, it is the mother's absolute choice on who is in the room and I was only discussing with MH to tell him my wishes. I could always just tell my OB what I want is final, but I feel like that is a bad way to go about this. I really want MH's support if I do decide to have my Mom present.
Any advice on how to reasonably talk with MH without bashing his mother? I want him to be supportive of my decision rather than fight him on this.
Now that I have thought about it, I think I am leaning towards having my Mom present more and more. Although we don't see eye to eye always, she is very good about dealing with physical stress (she actually trained me to run marathons) and even if she doesn't agree with all of my decisions I think she will be a good advocate. Although she is not a medical provider, she does work in administration for a large hospital and is usually very good about knowing what and who to ask to get a good patient experience.
On the other hand, for a laundry list of reasons there is NO WAY I want my MIL present. Without venting (too much) she and I just don't get along and with this pregnancy it has only been worse. She has no respect for boundaries - when I said for the 3rd time not to touch my belly she basically told me I had no say as I was just the vessel for her grandchild and what I wanted didn't matter. She also has made it very clear how much better boys are than girls, and how disappointed she will be if I have a girl. (Let's not even justify that thinking with a discussion.)
IMO, it is the mother's absolute choice on who is in the room and I was only discussing with MH to tell him my wishes. I could always just tell my OB what I want is final, but I feel like that is a bad way to go about this. I really want MH's support if I do decide to have my Mom present.
Any advice on how to reasonably talk with MH without bashing his mother? I want him to be supportive of my decision rather than fight him on this.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice please - MH and I disagree on labor room visitors (Long)
I completely agree with you. I love my MIL, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her to want her in a room where I'm mostly naked and am pushing a baby out. And I'm sure she understands that. Plus, even though I'm over 30, I still want my mom when I'm sick or in pain because she provides a level of comfort that nobody else can. I would hope your husband would understand both of those points, so maybe try explaining it to him again. It's not a fairness issue.
As a response to you possibly having your mom in the room and not his... hey, even when I get really bad sick (even at 28yrs old) I wish my mom was here to take care of me.. So, if you want your mom, then it is your right to have her.
BFP #1 10/02/06, EDD 5/1/07 Natural Miscarriage 1 week after BFP
BFP #2 3/28/07, EDD 11/19/07 Natural Miscarriage 2 weeks after BFP
BFP #3 1/16/11, 1st U/S - 1/28/11 HR 132bpm, Missed Miscarriage- 2/28/11, D&C 3/8/11
March 2011, diagnosed with MTHFR gene mutation
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold them on Your lap and tell them about me?
BFP #4 6/26/13, EDD 3/8/14, Delivered @ 40w6d
Bethany Elizabeth born on 3/14/14 @ 6:48am weighing almost 8lbs 1oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches.
It's all about what makes YOU comfortable. You need to have the people in the room that will help you relax and focus on what you need to do. If you're uncomfortable with her being there during the birth, then that should be enough for your husband.
Maybe if you can get it across that way, it will help him? He seems to be focused on the "getting to watch" part rather than the patient/medical/support labor part.
And at the end of the day, you are his wife, you are the mother, and you get to ask for the help you need and not be obligated to do what others want. (And I would not be hanging out with your MIL at all after she said something like that to me....and your H should be supportive of you in those situations).
It sucks you even have to explain things to him. I agree with the girls here......YOUR say on who is in the room with you, NOT dh's. You are the one who is going through a very physical, long, strenuous process with your lady bits out for the world to see....only you get a say on who gets to see and be present for that.
On another note, I've heard from a lot of my mom-friends that those first few minutes after baby is born is a very special bonding time for you, baby, and DH and it is not a time to be shared with others. Once the time passes, it is gone forever. the family has the rest of their lives to see baby...they can wait a few hours. I personally will have DH, and only DH, at the hospital with me. We will not even let the rest of the family come to the hospital to visit until I give the 'ok'. I want those special moments with DH and baby, and I want to be able to recover for a little while and maybe shower before family comes to visit. and no, DH has absolutely no say in this.....and he understands. (note that we are super close to our families and I love them dearly, and this is still what I want)
It is not so much that I think he will be incapable to support, it is more so that I know my Mom will be great should I need additional support. She is more forceful when it comes to stressful situations, whereas he is more go with the flow. I think I would like someone like her in the room to really throw their weight around should it be needed.
I still want my mom there with us, and the more he learns about labor/delivery I think he does too! My relationship with my mom has changed a little though, so if she starts stressing me out, I won't hesitate to ask her to wait outside with other family.
In my oppinion, it's your vagina the baby will be coming out of, it's your choice...
I would NEVER want my MIL in the labor room with us, not even to visit for a few minutes before the big show. She does not handle stress well and is very emotional, I just wouldn't be able to handle her while I'm trying to focus on contractions and pushing and everything! Not to mention, I don't want her to see that much of me... No. Just. No.
This. Tell him you want your mom in the room when he has his next colonoscopy.
If my MIL said this to me, my husband would rip her a new one. Sounds like he needs a lesson in support and respect of the mother of his child!
Sometimes you just need your mommy. But I don't think I would ever let my MIL see my giblets.