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Sports/After-school activities

eltar08eltar08 member
in Blended Families
SS is 6 and in first grade. BM and his step-dad feel very strongly about putting him in activities constantly. DH and I believe that organized sports and other activities have their place but aren't the end all, be all of how to spend time with him. We have him EOWE. The CO doesn't say anything about sports and interestingly, BM has stated that she might have to have it updated to include something about sports. I am just looking to get a feel for what is considered reasonable for this topic. We have asked SS what he wants to participate and have always supported it, both financially and taking him to activities when they take place during our weekends, but by the same token, would also like to spend our time doing other things.
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Re: Sports/After-school activities

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    NineoceansNineoceans member
    Unless it is written into your CO you can spend your time how you please. Usually you need several big changes or the agreement of the other parent to change the CO so please don't feel like BM can just unilaterally steamroll over you on this.
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    Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    I agree with pp in order to change the co both will have to agree to the change. Bm needs to learn that she can't control what happens on your time.
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    IlumineIlumine member
    Honestly, unless his activity took less than 2 hours out of your weekend visitation, I would probably not support it.  

    And I would ensure that the CO did not force my hand.  

    There are more and more studies showing the importance of fathers in children's lives especially in divorce situations.  And the father needs to be more than a Disney Dad or Taxi Cab.  

    I am actually a firm believer in extra cirriculars.  They teach a variety of characteristics that children need, but there also needs to be down time and family time.  
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    Lavender PLavender P member
    We only have my SS EOWE as well and sometimes we just said we will not be taking SS to such and such activity. There have been weekends where on Friday night he has a sport that doesn't end until 8, we get home at 8:30 and by the time he showers and eats it is pretty much time for bed. Then the next morning he has another activity until 12-1 pm and half our weekend with him is gone.

    In our 4 days a month that we get him we have grandparents that want to see him, family activities, one on one time with DH, etc that we need to make time for. We will support his extra curricular but not at the determent of our family bonding.
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    SueBearSueBear member

    I don't think you should be obligated to take him to activities unless you agree to signing him up.  BM shouldn't sign DS without consulting with your H, then expect you to carve time out of your time with him.

    Many kids sign up for a ton of activities while they are in 1st and 2nd grade.  It's a great time to try everything out, and by third grade kids have narrowed their activities to what they like and are good at and the extra-curriculars are cut way back.

    A lot depends on your DS.  What does he like?  If his passion is sports, for example, I think even though you are not having a conversation with him, if you are at the ball field, cheering him on, that is developing a positive relationship with him.  Ditto with an activity like scouting where the parents are actively involved.  It would be different if your interaction is limited to dropping him off at a class and picking him up an hour later.  I would find it odd to insist a kid miss a soccer game that he really wants to play in because you think it's better to take him on a "family activity" like apple picking.

    At the same time, don't let BM bulldoze you into revolving your weekends around activities that she enrolls DS in.

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    fellesferiefellesferie member
    Your description is too vague for me to offer much advice. What you think takes up too much time might not be what I think takes up too much time. 

    DS (8) does one activity--martial arts--during the school year. But it can be pretty time consuming. The class itself is only 60 minutes, but once you factor in transportation, getting ready to go, etc, it's 2.5 hours. I'm sure someone who parents EOWE could make a case that 2.5 hours is too much. 

    Just try to find balance I guess. If you have EOWE, you could do the activities one weekend and not the next. I don't think many sports for 6-yos are competitive enough that missing 1 weekend a month will affect anything. 
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    JessH1474JessH1474 member
    I actually think amending the CO is a good idea, b/c extra curriculars are very common, especially as he gets older.  That will give your DH the chance to add in that all extra curriculars must be mutually agreed upon.  SS was involved in a lot of things when he was younger to get a feel for what he liked and it wasn't always easy considering we live 1.5 hours away and only have EOWE as well, but we made it work.  If BM wants to sign SS up for something that you guys can't commit to, just let her know that you won't be bringing him to/from on your weekends, but she is welcome to take him on hers.  I would just try to be as flexible as possible, makes things a lot easier in the long run :)
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