Frustrated about lack of support from spouse and mom (kind of long)

MonsterNessa · October 2013

Hi! I am probably (hopefully) posting this a bit prematurely, but I needed to get this out there somewhere and unfortunately there is nobody I know IRL who I can go to on this one.

My spouse and I recently found out we are pregnant, and it was planned so the timing etc, is good for us. The problem I am having is that I am only now finding out that my spouse and I have completely different preferences when it comes to childbirth. I have known for years I prefer a natural birth, I have researched it, watched documentaries, etc and am comfortable with that choice. The thought of the epi, while a great choice for many women, completely freaks me out (trapped in the bed, less control). I got a referral from a friend to a reputable CNM with more than 20 years of experience and have my intake appointment scheduled with her in a couple weeks.

My husband, however, is completely uncomfortable with this. While he does not outright refuse any of my preferences, he has made it clear that his preference would be that we use an OB for everything (he feels a CNM is inferior to an OB, even for a completely normal vaginal delivery) and that, if there is even the slightest chance I may change my mind about the pain meds, the only medication he is comfortable with is the epi. If there is any hint of any sort of complication he wants to just agree to a c-section. He was previously a medical major in college, and of course when his courses covered childbirth he was given way more education about birth complications than about the ratio of births that go completely normally. I understand that he is using what he has learned in school in an attempt to protect me and look after the health of me and our future child. It's way better than having an unsupportive spouse! So I am hoping that after a few a few appointments he will calm down, but in the meantime it's a stressful situation for me.

It is also worth mentioning that there is a history of large babies and birth complications in his family (his brother was born not breathing, and according to my husband if the OB and staff hadn't been in the room with all of their equipment he likely would have died), but on both sides of my family we have no history of birth complications at all as far back as anyone can remember.

My husband is in other ways completely supportive. He has given up alcohol and is cutting down on caffeine with me. Other people in different relationships probably would find the amount that it is bothering me is silly, but we've never disagreed on anything this important before.

Also, my mom, who is someone I can normally rely on to back me up on important things, plays along with my natural birth plans, but on several occasions she has turned around and basically said that there is no way my pain threshold is that high, and I should just plan on the epidural.

aylafsu88 · October 2013

My H was not on board with a natural birth in the beginning. When I pressed him on the issue his reasoning was more for fear of what could happen to me. He was worried about complications and the pain that I would experience during L&D. The thing that changed his mind was a serious talk with me and going to a birth class. I told him that I understood his concern and his worries about my health and the health of the baby. I also told him that I would not refuse any medical intervention if it was necessary for our child. However, I wanted to birth naturally. We came to a compromise on the situation. I birthed in a hospital with a natural birth friendly OB instead of the birth center with a MW. Maybe you could come to a similar agreement with your H. There are natural birth friendly OBs out there, you just have to find them! My H also found the birthing class very helpful. We did the Bradley class and he learned a lot about childbirth and what to expect. Having this information really helped calm him down. In your situation it may help your H realize that birth is natural and many of the things he has learned about are the extreme cases.

I had a wonderful birth in the hospital with an OB. I have no interventions of any type, no pain medications, no Heplock, and delivered in the position I wanted. The OB was wonderful and very respectful of my wishes. This expereince completely changed my H's mind and we plan to have a home birth when we have #2!

jess9802 · October 2013

CNMs are generally very good at what they do, and they understand their limits and scope of practice. A hospital delivery with a CNM is a very, very safe choice and one that many OBs would support. At your first appointment with the CNM you and your husband should ask her what prenatal screening she does, when she would be required to transfer your care to an OB, and what situations warrant intervention by an OB in the hospital. CNMs have excellent patient outcomes and your CNM should talk about those as well.

I don't think your husband's worries about your safety or the baby's should at all be discounted or ignored. I had chronic hypertension during my pregnancy and toward the end I was working longer hours to take care of things before maternity leave. My husband got really worried about it and wanted me to go on leave early. Cue huge fight. He came with me to a doctor's appointment and I asked my doctor about my husband's concerns. My OB looked at my husband and said, "I understand your concern - you want healthy mom, healthy baby. But there's no evidence to suggest that a desk job poses a risk to mom's health or a baby's health." Knowing that his concerns were understood and respected was important to my husband and my OB knew how to communicate with him in the right way. My point: try not to be too hard on your husband, who has probably never felt more scared or out of control in his life and wants to make sure you and baby are safe.

As for the pain medication, your husband is right that an epidural really is the safest, most effective pain medicine during labor, but it's your choice whether to have one or not. I wouldn't even talk about this kind of stuff with others; it's none of their business and it invites all sorts of comments, which often aren't helpful (and I say this as someone who chose an epidural).

MargaretC5 · October 2013

My husband felt the same way at the beginning of our pregnancy. We did go with an OB, because where I live midwifes are only available for home births and they are not associated with the local hospitals (I was not comfortable with this either, just in case something did go wrong). As PP suggested a NB friendly OB, may be a good option that both you can your husband can be comfortable with. My husband and I did not come to an agreement on a NB right away. We discussed this topic thought out the pregnancy, taking his concerns and my reasons for wanting a NB one at a time. It did take a while, but he did come around to support the NB plan. The birth class did help a lot.

tndalles · October 2013

aylafsu88 said:
We did the Bradley class and he learned a lot about childbirth and what to expect. Having this information really helped calm him down.

This exactly! My husband was terrified of what might happen to me until we started taking Bradley classes. He went from wanting me to have a hospital birth with an OB to agreeing to a birthcenter birth with a midwife after only 3 classes. He is so much more relaxed and open to my preferences. These classes have also really engaged him in my pregnancy especially practicing my excersises and relaxation techniques.

mb314 · October 2013

I second (or third) the suggestion of Bradley classes for you guys. DH's father is a doctor, and I think that DH was not comfortable with a MW and natural birth at first. That changed when he met the midwife and saw their practice and he realized that they had great training. Going through Bradley helped him understand my desire for a natural birth. I don't know how all Bradley instructors are, but I liked mine because she didn't say things like someone should NEVER have an epi. The class emphasized choices and informed consent.

I also asked DH to watch the Business of Being Born with me. He have never forgiven me for having to see Ricki Lake nude, but that's another story. The documentary helped him understand my desire to not have drugs during labor.

You have time. It took a while for DH to come around to natural birth, but he did, and he ended up being a great coach.

As for your mom, I would just ignore it. You'll get a lot of comments like that from people if you tell them that you want to have a natural birth. I got a ton from my family, and I chose to ignore them.

SarahinMD · October 2013

Great ideas above. In addition to classes, I'd suggest having DH at as many appts throughout as possible. My DH was admittedly already supportive, but it also really helped that he really knew how things were going and could ask questions. He learned to really trust the midwives (we used a practice with several) and felt comfortable that he'd also be able to ask questions and be an advocate for me during the birth. We talked about how that's a lot more likely with midwives than many OBs. We had two great hospital birth with midwives--one where we essentially did all the laboring at home and the second induced with cervidil due to being two weeks overdue. He was the best support and coach I could have imagined, and in both cases the midwives really just were there to coach the pushing phase and catch the babies. Our practice had supervising OBs, so the first time when my BP was high, they advised the midwife and all was cared for. The second, DD2 wasn't breathing right away and since we were at hospital, they called in NICU doc (which even and OB would've had to do, BTW) and she was breathing fine within like 2 (of the longest!) minutes. Hope he begins to be more open as time passes and you all talk more about it. Good luck!

mAnYaSha · October 2013

DH was supportive of me even though he was so not on board with my choices. I marked books I thought would help ease his mind, talk to him a lot, but .. I think I only made his anxiety worse. I am very glad we made plans to have homebirth. Labor went so fast, we would have never made it to hospital. At least this way we were prepared

If he have another, DH is on board with another home birth.

Everyone's situation is different, you have to consider yours in different aspects. With DS#1 we interviewed OB and both liked him because he seemed supportive of our wants. At the go time I learned the truth of things. With DS#2 I did not want to be bullied. Advised-yes, but not bullied.

You are in a tough spot, but you have to figure out what is the best solution for you. You have to be comfortable with your arrangement and keep an open mind. GL !

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