What Do You Say When There Are No Words :'(

Pixie5295 · October 2013

I just found out today a friend lost a baby two days ago. The thing is it was a really late loss. She was 32 weeks and today was supposed to be her baby shower. She had a little girl.
I am not close to her really. We talked when we had a m/c around the same time and DH is good friends with her boyfriend. DH went over and talked to them and came back and told me. I was in the car when he told me. I started bawling. I mean hysterically. It didn't really make sense I had such an intence reaction. I saw her sitting in her car and of course she was crying. I couldn't stop though. The last thing I needed during my early losses were to see someone else cry and I dont think my reaction would help. She was so close. What could I possibly say or even do for something like this. I know the truth and there are no words to say. My heart breaks for them and I have no idea how to approach this. I could relate to the early loss she had and while I believe every woman feels pain with the loss of her child, this would be much more heartbreaking

That+One+Girl · October 2013

First let me say i am so sorry to hear that. Sadly there is no right thing to say or do. I would let her know you feel for her and care about her. Let her know you are there if she needs it. Some people want to talk others may want something else.

aevan · October 2013

I'm with you - I have a coworker of the hubby whom I bonded with over a previous loss who just lost her son at 24 weeks. We sent them flowers, but I really didn't know what else to say

AmyfromMI · October 2013

IMO the worst thing you could is not say anything. Two people very close to me didn't even acknowledge my MC last year and that hurt worse than talking about it.

Even if you just simply say "I'm so sorry", it's better than nothing. As hard as it is for her right now, she needs to know she has support from those close to her.

CandaceMarie321 · October 2013

Send a card, send another around her due date, and mark your calendar to send one in a year. Let her know that you are there for her when she needs you and then be there.

JennyLynne · October 2013

I got a lot of cards with my loss--they meant so much to me. Some people wrote, and some let the card speak for them. Some of those who were able even did gift cards, which helped more than they probably realized (pizza, starbucks, groceries). I had a month off of work with partial income, and there were too many days when the last thing I could think about was feeding myself. So having that really helped for hubby & stepdaughter. She's about to go through a horrible journey. Thoughts are with her. @AmyfromMI is right--silence is worse than saying nothing at all.

meli1025 · October 2013

BBnut said:

CandaceMarie321 said:

Send a card, send another around her due date, and mark your calendar to send one in a year. Let her know that you are there for her when she needs you and then be there.

I wouldn't send one on her due date in a year. I would call, invite her to do something and if appropriate let her know you remember but I would feel it out and not send something through the mail. Some people like to remember, some people would rather try to forget anniversaries like that.

Sending a card on her loss anniversary one year later is a nice thing. Believe me, absolutely no one wants to forget the anniversary of their late loss, nor could they possibly forget even if they tried. I appreciated the recognition of my daughter one year later. @Pixie5295, I'm so sorry for your friend's loss, my heart breaks for her. Definitely send a card and let her know you are thinking of her and are so sorry. And please, include the baby's name if you know it. I think it is very thoughtful of you to seek advice in what to do for her.

ABColeslaw · October 2013

Send a card, maybe a loss necklace...if you could find out if she had her baby cremated. It is a necklace for the Ashes. Lots of people will probably send flowers, I might be inclined to do something different, like send over a meal. After a loss like that, you forget to eat. As far as what to say, I didn't like it when people tried to find something meaningful thing to say. Don't force it. "I'm sorry for your loss" goes a long way.

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. I would love to believe in my heart that all of the babies too beautiful for this earth are somewhere playing together and happy.

MCH77 · October 2013

A girl from work had a late loss and we sent a basket of goodies and cards. Goodies included junk food, warm socks, book/movies, a pillow that could be headed up, wine (this might not go well for some people), trashy mags. It was a great distraction for her and let her know we were thinking of her.

ajsweeton · October 2013

After my loss I received a lot of cards. It always made me feel good to know that someone was thinking of us and our babies. Honestly the best thing that anyone did for us was to bring us food. Our church set up a meal delivery for 2 weeks and it was wonderful. I wouldn't have been able to cook and I probably wouldn't have eaten at all if it hadn't been for those meals. If you do take something, I'd suggest also taking some sort of sweet comfort type food. Those first few days I lived on cookies and such. Not very healthy, but when you're hurting like that broccoli is not what you want. Just be easy with her and let her know you're thinking about her. It's wonderful of you to be so considerate and look for advice.

JennyLynne · October 2013

MCH77 said:

A girl from work had a late loss and we sent a basket of goodies and cards. Goodies included junk food, warm socks, book/movies, a pillow that could be headed up, wine (this might not go well for some people), trashy mags. It was a great distraction for her and let her know we were thinking of her.

That is awesome--I was so disappointed in my work with my loss. After a month off work, the only thing I got was a "Welcome back" card when I returned (the last thing I wanted was to be be back) and avoidance. And we were all very close too. Those are all great ideas.

asparagus95 · October 2013

I think an "I'm so sorry for your loss" and a big hug goes a long way. Also offer help if she has other children, run errands for her, etc.

Themetastic · October 2013

That is so tragic =(

buggywhips · October 2013

I agree with the sentiments above. This is such a traumatic time for her, she'll need all the support she can get. Even if you end up just sitting with her and crying. The worst thing you can do is nothing. ((Hugs)) to you, and I'll keep her and her BF in my prayers. Such a tragic thing

leh143 · October 2013

I lost my daughter at 37 weeks. Yes, the worst thing to do is avoidance. They are probably in total shock at the moment. I would text her or send a card acknowledging their loss. It's a very sad and awkward for everyone. Just let them know you are thinking of them and their daughter. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, but we received so many cards, flowers, texts, etc. it was very comforting and overwhelming knowing so many people are thinking of you. I'm so sorry for their loss

AmandaFaith · October 2013

CandaceMarie321 said:
Send a card, send another around her due date, and mark your calendar to send one in a year. Let her know that you are there for her when she needs you and then be there.

This would be my advice as well. As someone who had a stillborn son at 19 weeks, no matter how heartfelt the "I'm sorry's" and "Can I do anything to help's" are, they are still so emotionally draining to a grieving individual. It's nice to know that people care, but it's easier to appreciate such if you are able to cry your eyes out in private after their thoughtful gestures. I don't know how many times I broke down crying in a restaurant, at work, or in the grocery store after losing our son--all because someone simply felt like they "had" to say something. I appreciated their kind words, but felt so awkward whenever it would catch me off guard and send me into a sobfest. Cards are definitely the best route.

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