Anyone donated or considered donating their eggs

KateLouise · October 2013

My Mum asked me if I'd consider donated eggs to my sister. I have no idea if it's something my sister would want or if it was just my Mum trying to find solutions.

So I've been thinking about it, and before I bring it up with my sister (IF I bring it up with my sister) I would want to be pretty set in my mind whether it's a good option for me.

So I guess my question is, what things do I need to consider?

I know the general recommendation is that you should have completed your own family, and I know that I need to think through all the possible emotional implications and make sure I'm ok with them. (DH is relaxed either way).

Medically I have Graves disease, so I'll be talking to my endocrinologist to see if he has an opinion.

Part of me worries that my sister might be offended if I even bring this up. So maybe I should wait and see if she asks? However, I doubt she ever would ask.

Anything else I should consider, ask think about?

I thought about asking on the infertility board to get that perspective, but I wouldn't want to intrude on that board.

Thoughts.

Thanks.

musicalmama5 · October 2013

I think it's a beautiful gift to be able to give someone, especially your sister!

That said, you obviously have a lot of thinking/talking to do with various people. First, talk to your mom. Why was she asking? Did your sister ask her to ask you or was it kind of random? Of course you need to talk to your sister, but I would wait until after hearing from your mom! And DH's opinion should weigh heavily as well since your decision will affect your and his family. He might seem relaxed about it now, but when faced with the reality of what it means have some misgivings. You want to make sure all that is out in the open.

Good luck and keep us updated!

cpmich · October 2013

It is a great gift. Keep in mind you will have to take daily fertility shots and go without canoodling until a month or two after the eggs are harvested. You will be super super fertile as a result of the drugs and odds are good that a pregnancy during that time would likely result in multiples. You would have a few untrasounds along the way and deal with the mood issues that come with lots of hormones. Most importantly, you would need to realize that any children resulting from the donation would be hers. You do not get any special right to offer unsolicited advice and you may have mixed feelings watching the kids grow. It is a very selfless act.

st.augbride · October 2013

As someone who has been through IF, I would not bring this up to her. Even if you are coming from a good place, I'm sure the thought of not being able to have a child of her own and knowing that the baby would be biologically yours is not a wonderful thought. If she brings it up to you, then that's another story, but the other way around wouldn't go over well. I think a more desirable option from her perspective (depending on the issue) would be to use her own egg but another carrier if needed. But again, it all depends on the cause of her IF.

KateLouise · October 2013

st.augbride said:

As someone who has been through IF, I would not bring this up to her. Even if you are coming from a good place, I'm sure the thought of not being able to have a child of her own and knowing that the baby would be biologically yours is not a wonderful thought. If she brings it up to you, then that's another story, but the other way around wouldn't go over well. I think a more desirable option from her perspective (depending on the issue) would be to use her own egg but another carrier if needed. But again, it all depends on the cause of her IF.

Yeah I did think it could be upsetting to even suggest it to her.

My understanding of the situation is that the doctors can't identify any issues with her eggs or his sperm, but they have been unable to create embryos for transferring that would be likely to implant (apologies if I got some of the terminology wrong). So I don't even know if donor eggs would, in fact, be useful for them.

I'm not sure surrogacy would be something I would be willing to offer. I know that sounds awfully selfish, but I'm not sure how easily I could carry a baby for 9mths and then hand it over at the end, regardless of how much I knew it wasn't my baby to begin with.

Thanks for your input. In all of this, my biggest concern is not wanting to cause my sister any hurt or insult.

kellyrn9956 · October 2013

In my own IF journey one thing I always refused to consider was anything within my family. No egg donation or sperm donation from family (sperm donation from an infertile mans brother is more common than you might think). No family gestational carrier. No in-family adoption. I did not want a constant reminder that my child was not biologically mine or my husbands and seeing the donor all the time would have been difficult for me. That being said, I would never have been offended at an offer. I would have actually been very moved. But I would have had to decline.

Mrs.AmyDylan · October 2013

We did IVF, but we're successful with our own eggs and sperm. Thus, our child is biologically ours. However, for many couples, the additional cost of paying a donor to cycle and the related medical expenses is cost prohibitive.

I think it is a wonderful gift! I suggest if you are willing to pursue this, get couples counceling to make sure there isn't anything you haven't thought of that might cause emotional issues.

Since your mom asked you, report back to her. Determine if she should talk to your sister or if you two should discuss directly. Good luck with your decision.

salsamcg · October 2013

I'm a complete lurker here, so feel free to ignore me.

I'm currently on the IF board and starting IVF. Before we found out what my issues were but knew we had problems, one of our really good friends made the comment "If you need, I'll carry your baby for you." While I understood that this was coming from a good place, I almost slapped her. I would definitely not bring it up, and would also encourage your mother to not mention this to her. I could only imagine my hurt/embarrassment/shock if my mom said to me "Well why don't you use [one of my sisters]s's eggs?" If it's something she decides to think of as an option, she'll bring it to you. Until then, just support her, listen to her, and don't take it personally if she doesn't want to speak with you about it.

lizardknitter · October 2013

We did IVF for this current pregnancy. While I love and adore my sister, and I think she is an amazing mom, I would not want a child of mine raised the way she has raised her son (things like spanking, time outs, CIO, and other parenting choices that differ from my own).

All that to say, that if you are able to totally remove yourself from the equation, as if this child was in no way connected to you other than via your sister, it's an amazing gift. I just know I could never do it. At least not for the rest of my life.

And I agree, I would wait to let her bring it up. However, you could give hints that you would be open to being asked.

JJ_13 · October 2013

We went through infertility as well. I would not bring it up. I think it would just reinforce the fact that YOU can reproduce and she can't. Maybe it's bad, but that's how I would have interpreted it if my sister had said something. Plus, I agree with the PP that when going through it, I had decided that there would be no within-family egg donation, surrogacy, adoption, etc. It's just too complicated. Do you know why your mother asked? Has your sister asked her?

It does sound like egg donation might help them - if they are unable to create embryos with her eggs (even if the reason is unknown). But, I'm not sure it should be YOUR eggs.

While it would be a very nice and selfless gift for you to do this for her, and it's a nice idea in theory, I would not bring it up. Support her in other ways and let her know that you're there for her. For us, finances were the hardest part of infertility, but I know that depends on personal situations.

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