No love for the Dads...

neptunebljc · October 2013

My DH is very disappointed in how his family has reacted to our loss ( or lack of reaction). Did anyone else find that with their partners?

I know he is hurting, and he seems to think that no one cares how he feels. Not sure how I can support him in this. It makes me sad that people don't ask how he is, only how I am doing.

It sucks for the Dads out there who care and hurt for angel babies but get no support and love back.

Dixon813 · October 2013

I'm so sorry you and your DH are dealing with this. Grief is hard enough as it is, but not having the support you need and want makes it difficult.

I don't know your family, but I've learned I have to be honest and open with my family (and DH's) meaning I almost had to tell them how they can help and support me. It's not easy, but it was something I felt necessary. And if they truly cared about me, they would listen (if that makes sense)

Sorry I don't have more to offer...

TimesInfinity9 · October 2013

I'm sorry about your loss and that your husband feels like nobody cares that he's hurt by this too. Maybe the next time somebody asks how YOU are in front of him you could answer about both of you and they will get the point. Like saying "Well we are both just taking it day by day" or "Yesterday was a tough day but DH and I will get through it together". And you could also make a point of asking him how he is doing/feeling yourself so even if he isn't getting the support from his family he is getting it from you.

PerkyErky · October 2013

***siggy warning***

I am very sorry for your loss. My DH was often overlooked and it was so heartbreaking for me.

A helpful resource for your DH might be stillstandingmag.com, there is a section for fathers.

Edit: forgot to add my siggy warning, sorry

Noethola · October 2013

***siggy warning***

I was going to post exactly the same thing about the Father's section in stillstandingmag. Also, there is a father's section here: https://www.stillbirthday.com/2011/07/26/long-term-healingperspectives/

For some reason, everyone thinks of the loss as related to the mom. Its so hard to deal with, because the father is deeply affected to. Thinking of you and your DH.

Doublegreen · October 2013

From the ten years I've known them, my in-laws were always strange, seemingly nonchalant people. They only visited us once in the hospital and It took my mother to go to their house and talk to them into becoming more involved with our situation. They even gave us the money to get a headstone for our baby.

My husband appears to be used to their behavior and doesn't say anything, however, it seems like he's happier when he is with my family.

princezjk · October 2013

I agree with PPs that our DHs do tend to get overlook a little. I know people would call or text him to see how I was doing. Fortunately, he is very close to his family and they were supportive to him. I find that were are each others greatest support. Sometimes it can be as simple as holding each other. I hope that you and DH can find the support you need in each other. (((hugs)))

neptunebljc · October 2013

Thanks ladies. I think he feels like I'm his only real support. It just makes me sad because so many women complain their DH want nothing to do with the pregnancy or the baby, but then when you go through a loss no one really takes the time to see if they are ok.

Auki13 · October 2013

neptunebljc said:

Thanks ladies. I think he feels like I'm his only real support. It just makes me sad because so many women complain their DH want nothing to do with the pregnancy or the baby, but then when you go through a loss no one really takes the time to see if they are ok.

That is so true. I feel that most men tend to internalize their feelings and because of that they get overlooked. My husband's family was pretty unsupportive and it was so difficult for him to take. His uncle (who was his father figure) didn't bother to show up for the funeral, his brother (and best friend) wouldn't come over even though my DH would ask him all the time to come because he needed someone to talk to... His mom was ok, but never really there. We actually attended a session at Faith's Lodge and that was the most healing experience he had. I sort of had to drag him to it, but we still keep in touch with the other couples and he was able to talk to other dads that were similar shoes.

neptunebljc · October 2013

@Auki13 I have been trying to convince him to go with me to my grief counselling. I will have to keep on him then.

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