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dmndsr4eva
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So this is what happened
dmndsr4eva
member
I was feeling weird/suspicious and asked him to see his phone. He told me no. Ok, so obviously he is hiding something. A week or so later he accidentally left his phone behind a few nights ago. I looked at his phone and he has been texting another woman. He thought he had deleted the texts but they were in another folder in his phone. The texts were flirtatious but nothing that indicated they are having sex. So I texted her and she told me that it was purely business related. I told her I saw the texts and they were not business related. She said she would never talk to him again but that nothing happened and they were just friendly. And she even had the nerve to tell me that I am lucky to have him. And it was clear from the texts that he had been consulting her about what to do with our relationship.
He told me that he was texting her because he feels like I don't want to be with him and he was seeking attention. Also he is a photographer and he told me he was trying to flirt with her to take her picture because she is or was a professional model and was in play boy.
He said he was sorry and said he wants to work on our relationship. He has a lot of issues as you all know about my feelings towards my ex. This was all a wake up call to me and hopefully we can move forward and I will make him feel more loved/desired.
I wanted to make sure that they were no longer friends on facebook yesterday. But since I couldn't tell I asked him last night and it appears that she has deleted and blocked him.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: So this is what happened
Yeah, I don't know. I hope we can work it out, but I know in the back of my mind the only reason it didn't get physical is becasue she didn't escalate it. I'm 99% sure that if she had offered he would have been physical with her.
Yeah, I don't know. I hope we can work it out, but I know in the back of my mind the only reason it didn't get physical is becasue she didn't escalate it. I'm 99% sure that if she had offered he would have been physical with her.
And knowing this you're still going to work on your relationship?? Seriously? Good luck.
Honestly i think you need to break it off with him and take the time you need to cope and put to rest your issues with your ex. By yourself. There is a reason why you are picking cheaters. Work on you. Learn to like yourself. Then date.
You have ready made a lot of improvements in the time you have been on this board. I think you're going in the right direction. But you need to take care of yourself to be and to be the mom your DS deserves and the wider that whoever you eventually decide to marry, if you ever even do, deserves. And by taking some time to work on you, you can be sure to have a clear mind to choose the person YOU deserve.
People make mistakes. People seek fulfillment outside their relationship because they are not satisfied within it. This is not solely on you or him. But take time to heal our you will never be able to give any relationship your all.
I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who hid flirty / sexy texts to another woman at this early stage in the relatoinship.
You need to move on. He is right that you were still hung up on your ex, and dysfunction seeks dysfunction. This is not a healthy relationship. You need counseling in order to be the best mom you can be to DS, and to move forward with your life and attract an emotionally healhty partner.
However, from what you have previously posted it seems like you still are very caught up in your X, and you say that your current FI has noticed as well. I think that if your relationship has this many things to work on so early in your relationship you really need to think about whether it is worth continuing. Relationships are hard and they are work, but it shouldn't be THIS much work. Even if you are partially to blame, it doesn't bode well for a relationship if when things get hard his first inclination is to look outside your relationship. If you are convinced he is the one man for you then I think you both should go to counseling to at least deal with some of your issues.
I can't believe you're taking on the blame. Yes, you have issues yet with your ex, and I get that he felt neglected, but it does NOT excuse him from his behavior.
I realize you have to do what you have to do and go thru what you have to go thru to feel at peace with your decision, but this is a deal breaker for me.
It wasn't always...I too forgave someone who flirted "innocently". And I also got screwed over and cheated on again. I refuse to be in a relationship with out that trust. Can you honestly say you will be able to let go of this? Because now you have what you're working thru from your XH, and now this. That's a lot to take on emotionally.
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I'm glad you feel you can move forward. I just want to say that It took me a very long time to trust and forgive and I was with XH for about 3 years before we decided to get married. I forgave him before we got married for numerous affairs b/c I thought I was doing the right thing for me by being so forgiving. I had underlying issues that I wasn't aware of at the time and I hated men and I hated sex. I felt that I loved my husband bc he stood by me no matter what. I continued therapy and one day while I was at home it just hit me, I was miserable with him and didn't even know it. I just didn't want to be alone, and wanted to feel loved. I left.. that same week.. I left without a word.. that was after 7 years together and I had realized that I was being too forgiving. I waited four years to get into another serious, committed relationship, because I knew for a fact I was ready, not because I needed to feel loved, I had learned to love myself.
someone else may have already mentioned this but you can't make someone else happy unless you are truly happy with yourself. It took me a lot of years to realize that. I really hope you guys can work things out but I hope you don't just trust the apology and think it couldn't possibly happen again.
I was told that a good way to make a life altering decision is to ask yourself "is this something my kids would be proud of me for, is it something that would effect my kids negatively or positively, is it something they would approve of, is it something I would want them to do" Things like that.
DH and I have a pretty good relationship and I trust that he would never cheat on me, do I know this to be a fact? No, but I know he has no reason to. TMI but we have had sex twice since my M/C and I'm 18 months pregnant now. I'm terrified but he is understanding. I know I'm not fulfilling his needs in that department right now but he knows how scared I am.
Like I said.. I hope things do work out for you but I also hope that you take it slowly b/c this just might be a knight in aluminum foil. =(
ETA: weeks, weeks not months. LOL
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate being able to get advice here. I agree that he will need to be very transparent regarding his facebook and texts. If he is unwilling to do that then we cannot continue a relationship. Also I agree that if anything like this happens again I will have to leave him.
I am already feeling very weary of the situation because when he finally left his exwife it was because he made a "friend" who finally for whatever reason convinced him to get a divorce. I think all he needed was that ego boost. So I am actually feeling like maybe he will leave me now that this woman stroked his ego. Maybe not. He says he still loves me and is attracted to me so we shall see how it plays out.