i am intimidated of my my mother in law

iup22 · October 2013

i am just going to come out and say it- i am intimidated by my mother in law.

Let me paint a picture for you.. The main issue is that my husband and I have different ideas about family. He thinks family should be one big godfather movie... with everyone always in each other's lives and at each other's houses. He actually said that we should go to his mother's house every night for dinner (his argument was: it would logically be easier for me because i wouldn't have to cook AND as a bonus we would be saving money... also his mom makes really delicious food so why isn't it a win win win?) I really believe that if we all lived in one big house he would be perfectly fine with us just having our own bedroom. He would be fine with his parents practically raising our children. I however, was raised in a different way. I am a person that needs and cherishes privacy and my own personal space. Yes, i love my family to death. yes, i want them to be a big part of my life. But i see my husband and i as one separate branch on the family tree and sees us... as all one big branch without so much emphasis on us as a couple.

I am terrified of the fact that when i have children, i think my husband will do nothing to prevent my mother in law from stomping into my life and suffocating everything until she is in CONTROL. This is a woman whose sole purpose in life was to raise her children. she never worked- she was a stay at home mom and that was what she lived for. now that her children are all grown up she feels she has no purpose. she is bidding her time until she can be a grandmother and find some meaning to her life again. I want to be understanding, I want to put myself in her shoes- but i just can't shake the idea that she will become an overpossive monster and elbow me out of the way to complete her sol purpose in life- "BEING THE GRANDMOTHER aka GOD"

When we first got married.... we would come home to 10+ voicemails on the answering machine with her weeping and begging us to tell her where we were. she would literally have an anxiety attack if she didn't hear from us every 10 hours. I.CANNOT.LIVE.THAT.WAY.

It's five years later and she has calmed down tremendously- we are actually getting along now and are always very nice and polite to one another. But again, i am dreading becoming pregnant because i know she will want to be the mother instead of the grandmother. and i will be alone in the fight against her. my kids will probably grow up thinking she is their mother and undermine me all the time. i don't know how to manipulate teh situation so that i get my own way. my husband is a genius at this and always manages to convince me i dont actually want what i want... i actually want what HE wants.

HELP! any kind advice will be greatly appreciated...

should i tell her all of this?? am i nuts to think this way? probably.

iup22 · October 2013

as pathetic as it sounds... it may look like i am overreacting from the outside but i think that in reality i am just trying to stop the past from repeating itself. When there is no stress or important stuff happening, MIL and I get along fine. It has been pretty smooth the past few (childless) years. But when it comes to something as important as her grandchild.. i dont think ill be able to stand up to her, especially if my husband doesnt back me up.

so you don't think im absolutely our of mind at this point.... on our wedding night my MIL was literally ranting during the reception that we need to go up to our suite and count all the money from the wedding because SHE made an investment and needs to know (mind you.. she never ever worked but OK) I told my husband no way.. and he waved me off and said he was tired of fighting with her (she acted like a savage animal throughout wedding plans.) i also went to my mom and she responded in the exact same way- she said she doesnt have the energy to stand up to satan aka my mil one more time and she is tired of fighting with her nonstop. On my wedding night me, my husband and both our parents sat in our suite and counted the damn money because if we didnt she would rain hell on all of us. WHAT MAKES ME THINK SHE WILL GIVE UP CONTROL OF HER PRECIOUS GRANDCHILDREN aka her reason for pretending to be useful.

to answer your question of why i didnt talk to my husband about this before the wedding... well we got married very young and frankly didnt really talk about anything other than the fact that we were in love.

PunkyBooster · October 2013

Did you not discuss or see any of this pre marriage?

JemmaWRX · October 2013

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

TikiTurtle · October 2013

JemmaWRX said:
You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

Seriously. He should back you up, not his mother. You need to have a serious conversation with him about all this before you even plan on getting pregnant. You two should be a team and have some guide lines set up well in advance of bringing a baby into this mess.

Ducktale · October 2013

TikiTurtle said:

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem.

Seriously. He should back you up, not his mother. You need to have a serious conversation with him about all this before you even plan on getting pregnant. You two should be a team and have some guide lines set up well in advance of bringing a baby into this mess.

This. My MIL tries to overly involved and intrusive, but DH stands up to her when needed. He needs to be on your team, not his mom's. Sounds like you two have a lot to work on.

TikiTurtle · October 2013

And I say all this as someone who married an absolute mamas boy. Luckily she and I have an amazing relationship, but my DH always puts me first. So it can be done, but you have to talk to him, not Internet strangers.

FemShep · October 2013

You have a husband problem and a self-esteem problem. Why are you going to other people to fight your battles? Wy can't you set reasonable boundaries, with consequences when the boundaries are disregarded? Why on earth would you go to your mom to tell your MIL to back off? You and your H need to have some serious discussions about what you both expect and can live with, and you need to be able to stand up for yourself. You can't expect your kids to be strong and empowered if they don't see that in their parents. And you may want to consider counseling-it sounds as though an independent third party's perspective might be helpful and you could learn some strategies for standing up for yourself as well.

rjeller32 · October 2013

You need to talk to your husband. DH is a huge mom lover, and we spent a lot of holidays at his family's and basically ignoring mine. As soon as I voiced my concern, it's changed.

Vent away, on a blog, but it's not going to get better unless you talk to your husband, and have more confidence in yourself. My toddler knows if my mom or MIL start getting too motherly, that I am the one that makes the final decision.

Probably should have resolved this pre-marriage though, like pp's have said.

SmileyJay · October 2013

This is something much better discussed before marriage. Your ideals of family are conflicting, but marriage is the center of family. Both of you have to compromise or neither of you will ever be happy. The issue really is not the mother in law, it is how your husband is choosing to deal with her and put your needs and feelings in the backseat. Once again, you should have figured this out before getting married but now it needs to be dealt with before having children. If she has chilled out now since you married, I am guessing you knew about her behavior before you got married.

I have a similar situation to yours but my husband is on my side. His older sisters have kids and rely very heavily on the rest of the family for support (childcare, money, etc.) while my husband and I live further away, only see his family maybe twice a month, and are in good shape financially. When we have kids I know it will be an ongoing headache because we simply don't need the help around and we live further away. Luckily, his family has chilled out over the last 5 years or so as grandparents have gotten older. If he doesn't call at least once a week we get really rude voice mails, but we are dealing with that.

For your situation, I think you can't have your cake and eat it too. If you have kids, do you intend to tap into the free childcare your mother in law would offer? Or spend the $1000 a month to hire help? Do you enjoy not buying groceries or having to clean your kitchen? Then don't blame her for inviting you over for dinner. Decide what boundaries you guys need to have and stick to them permanently. Include your husband in the discussion.

theamandapanda · October 2013

Your situation sounds a lot like what my Mom went through with her MIL. My Grandma totally would've counted that wedding money in the honeymoon suite! And it drove my Mom crazy when my Dad would give into his Mom's wishes. While I agree that your husband needs to back you up, I can understand why it's probably just easier to do what the crazy lady wants. I think my Mom finally learned to pick her battles. She decided to appreciate the amazing things like tons of free childcare and delicious dinners. Now my Mom looks back and laughs at the craziness and genuinely misses my Grandma. Try to appreciate the good things, laugh at the crazy things, and have faith that your future children will love their Grandma but still listen to you!

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