thoughts on planning a multi family vacation?

SunAndRain · October 2013

I suggested a multifamily vacation with DH's sister's family and DH's parents. Plus maybe one other family. They are super fun to hang out with and the cousins generation should get to know each other.

Here is the challenge. DH and I have traveled a TON and have a flexible budget. SIL's family barely have traveled at all, and I think always stay with family when they do, and are presumably on a tighter budget (I have a general idea of their income).

The plan is for DH and I to fly to their state and we would all rent a beach house. This would save SIL's family airfare for a family of 5 and a rental car as they would be able to drive. I figure that is easily $2000.

Now I approach vacation planning by prioritizing 1) location, 2) value. I don't see the point of going to a crappy location nor staying at uncomfortable accommodations. That, to me, isn't a vacation. I'm happy to go camping and sleep in a tent if I'm not going to be comfortable anyway (obviously we're not going to fly with all our camping gear so that option is out). When I sent SIL houses that were about $1000 per adult (kids free) it gave SIL sticker shock. Understandably so! I was disappointed but figured this was the cost of travel during high season.

The thing is that we are going on high season because of school which impacts SIL's kids and DH. My DH and I are already making that concession because we always go off season to miss the crowds. We're paying for two plane tickets and car rental too. So I FEEL like we are being flexible. I told her my only sticking point was that we have our own bedroom. DH and I can't sleep in the same room as DD - we don't sleep and DH is impossible for me to deal with when he doesn't sleep well. Already she is thinking about getting a 3 bedroom which is fine if it was just adults but there are four kids...this feels cramped to me.

I don't want to make money a bigger issue than it is. I want to work within her budget. We actually haven't gotten that far yet because we're still figuring out who can and cannot go. It seems SIL is focused on the lowest possible price, regardless. How can I approach this with SIL so she starts thinking in terms of value rather than the lowest possible cost?

I don't want to be the snobbish SIL who only accepts the best. It isn't like that. But I've traveled enough to know that sometime you get what you pay for and you would have been better off staying home. I'm not asking for a McMansion, and it's not like we're going to Hawaii. I'm just asking that we don't base our decision on lowest possible cost.

Any advice on how I make this a win-win?

jf198400 · October 2013

That is a tough situation. We do a multi-family vacation every summer with DH's family. His parents rent a 5 bedroom house and all 4 siblings come with their spouses and children. It is cramped. We slept in a room with our 2 kids and it was rough.

But it comes down to this- we either stay in the cramped house with everyone and the kids have a blast, and we make sacrifices, or DH and I could rent our own house, spend a lot of money, and miss out on some of the family togetherness.

Iblamethebeer · October 2013

The point of going to a crappy location or staying at uncomfortable accommodations is to spend time with family whose budget doesn't allow for anything else.

You have two choices: stay somewhere cheaper, or ask her what her budget is and pay the difference. FWIW, when we go away with family, we pay per bedroom, so families okay cramming in pay less than those of us who want a separate room for our kids.

*sparky* · October 2013

We do a multi-family vacation every year. It can be a hassle, but over a few years we have managed to pick the options that are everyone's must haves. We know everyone's budget. DH and I pick out a few houses and send them out to the group to pick their favorite. We pick up the majority of the cost and they pay the amounts they can afford. We do this because - we are the only ones with a kid, so we take up 2 bedrooms, and if we didn't we would end up way off the beach or in a house we really don't like.

So unfortunately, I think in this case you need to either pick up more of the cost, compromise on the house, or get separate places. If she is being a stickler about it I would guess it is because of budget constraints. If you want 2 bdrms and they are ok with one, would you be willing to pick up more of the cost? Maybe that would help. I know you are making a lot of cencessions already, but unfortunately if you really want this to work out it sounds like you may have to give a little more.

emberlee3 · October 2013

We do a lot of multi-family vacations with both friends and family. Here are various strategies we use depending on the situation:

- Divide the rental price by the number of bedrooms, then let each family pay for the number of bedrooms they need
- Do a long weekend instead of a whole week
- Stay at a state park, they often have nice cabins or cottages for rent that are much cheaper than private rental properties
- Plan/cook group meals, which significantly reduces the cost of food for the week and therefore allows us to spend more on housing
- Invite grandparents, who are usually willing to pick up a little extra on the housing tab since their travel costs are cheaper, plus they are motivated by wanting all their kids/grandkids together

EastCoastBride · October 2013

Iblamethebeer said:

You have two choices: stay somewhere cheaper, or ask her what her budget is and pay the difference. FWIW, when we go away with family, we pay per bedroom, so families okay cramming in pay less than those of us who want a separate room for our kids.

This. You can't force them to spend more than they feel they can afford. You're more well-traveled so you feel you have a better perspective on "value". But "value" doesn't mean much if the end expense is still MORE than what someone feels they can comfortably afford. Even if she sucked it up and paid more, she'd spend the entire week worrying about it and looking at other ways to save $$.

When it comes to $$, lowest common denominator wins. So- either change your expectations or pony up the difference.

And to be honest- perhaps a multi-family vacation won't work with this group.

SoMoNY · October 2013

multi-family vacation are hard, in the end everyone has to realize they won't get exactly what they want.

Maybe look at a range of price options so she can decide what really is/is not important to her. Like maybe she's ok further from water or having a house without a pool.

When we did a week stay at Ocean City, MD we looked at homes that would have cost $500 a couple up to $1.5k, in the end we picked one that was about $900 and met most of the groups wishes. But took 2-3 months to get to our decision, like I said it can be hard

skibunny59 · October 2013

jf198400 said:

That is a tough situation. We do a multi-family vacation every summer with DH's family. His parents rent a 5 bedroom house and all 4 siblings come with their spouses and children. It is cramped. We slept in a room with our 2 kids and it was rough. But it comes down to this- we either stay in the cramped house with everyone and the kids have a blast, and we make sacrifices, or DH and I could rent our own house, spend a lot of money, and miss out on some of the family togetherness.

All of this especially the bolded! Multi-family vacations are cramped. Period. I've been on so many multi-family vacations. As a kid I remember there were often 20 of us (my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc) sharing a vacation home for a week. There were often 4 or 5 kids sharing a room. I have so many fond memories.

We have always shared a room with DD when on vacation. When she's a little older (she's only 18 months now), she will likely share a room with siblings/cousins.

Only your SIL knows what she can and can't afford. I would rather get a less expensive place so that they are able to come.

skibunny59 · October 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Iblamethebeer said:

You have two choices: stay somewhere cheaper, or ask her what her budget is and pay the difference. FWIW, when we go away with family, we pay per bedroom, so families okay cramming in pay less than those of us who want a separate room for our kids.

This. You can't force them to spend more than they feel they can afford. You're more well-traveled so you feel you have a better perspective on "value". But "value" doesn't mean much if the end expense is still MORE than what someone feels they can comfortably afford. Even if she sucked it up and paid more, she'd spend the entire week worrying about it and looking at other ways to save $$.

When it comes to $$, lowest common denominator wins. So- either change your expectations or pony up the difference.

And to be honest- perhaps a multi-family vacation won't work with this group.

Also this.

Sunidaze · October 2013

$1000 per adult would be quite a stretch for many people. Quite honestly, in my opinion at least, you do come off as the snobbish SIL.

EastCoastBride · October 2013

Sunidaze said:

$1000 per adult would be quite a stretch for many people.

This actually brings up another thought - does the SIL REALLY want to do this trip? My ILs always want to vacation w/ us. DH and I avoid it like the plague. We have done a couple long weekends at the ocean with them- at THEIR place.

And we're now going to Orlando w/ them for a week in April. The ONLY reason we're going is because FIL is paying for all of it. Hotel, flight, rental cars, and tickets to Disney. DH and I seriously would not fork out a ton of money to travel w/ them. We KNOW it's going to be a frustrating and exhausting trip.

So I have to wonder if SIL is pushing back on $$ because there isn't a huge degree of excitement in taking this big family trip.

traveltheworld · October 2013

I like to stay at nice places while I'm on vacation too and I have traveled extensively. It's hard to imagine that you can't find something nice for under $1,000 per person (so that's $6,000/week), even at high season. Have you tried looking at HomesAway and VRBO?

I second the suggestion that if you want to have a separate bedroom for your LO, then pay for 2 bedrooms yourselves. I'd offer to let their kids stay in the second bedroom too at no cost to them. If that still doesn't work, then I'd just suck it up and rent a place that may be less well-furnished or not right on the beach (and hence cheaper) but still get one that is big enough. You don't want to be in cramped quarters for a week. We went to Hawaii with extended family last winter and due to budget reasons, we rented a place that was about a 10 minute drive to the beach. It wasn't what I wanted; but in the end, the kids all had fun and I used the money we saved for a nice spa afternoon for myself and went out for a very fancy dinner wtih DH, so it worked out fine

NicoleWI · October 2013

We do a multi-family trip every year with my family but it's a big tradition so nothing had to be worked out from scratch. It IS hard for the in-laws I think to deal with the cost of taking a vacation with the extended family when they might rather be with just the immediate family somewhere. We pay by "shares"--each family unit is one or more "shares" so that little kids don't all count as one share--it's not a perfect system but it kind of works. I.e. most couples are one share, but our family might be just 1.5 shares or 2 shares. Then we divide total cost by the shares. We share two big lodges.

But anyway, I think SandAndSea is right. You need to agree on a price point and find something that works for all, or not do it.

Also, not sure where you are going, but is there any option for a hotel or small cabin resort that might work? Sharing one big place can be tough. It's nice for each family to have their own space at night, especially if you aren't used to traveling together. Good luck!

traveltheworld · October 2013

And also, maybe you can give your SIL more details about your planned activities. If you mention that you plan to cook most meals yourselves and just hang out at the beach most days, maybe she'll realize that there are not that many additional costs involved and would be more comfortable with a higher budget for accomadations.

SoMoNY · October 2013

skibunny59 said:

jf198400 said:

That is a tough situation. We do a multi-family vacation every summer with DH's family. His parents rent a 5 bedroom house and all 4 siblings come with their spouses and children. It is cramped. We slept in a room with our 2 kids and it was rough. But it comes down to this- we either stay in the cramped house with everyone and the kids have a blast, and we make sacrifices, or DH and I could rent our own house, spend a lot of money, and miss out on some of the family togetherness.

All of this especially the bolded! Multi-family vacations are cramped. Period. I've been on so many multi-family vacations. As a kid I remember there were often 20 of us (my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc) sharing a vacation home for a week. There were often 4 or 5 kids sharing a room. I have so many fond memories.
We have always shared a room with DD when on vacation. When she's a little older (she's only 18 months now), she will likely share a room with siblings/cousins.
Only your SIL knows what she can and can't afford. I would rather get a less expensive place so that they are able to come.

Can't jam in as many people as you want, a lot of home owners will specify the max number of people allowed in the home.

In some areas its set by law.

DiveFrog · October 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Sunidaze said:

$1000 per adult would be quite a stretch for many people.

This actually brings up another thought - does the SIL REALLY want to do this trip? My ILs always want to vacation w/ us. DH and I avoid it like the plague. We have done a couple long weekends at the ocean with them- at THEIR place.

And we're now going to Orlando w/ them for a week in April. The ONLY reason we're going is because FIL is paying for all of it. Hotel, flight, rental cars, and tickets to Disney. DH and I seriously would not fork out a ton of money to travel w/ them. We KNOW it's going to be a frustrating and exhausting trip.

So I have to wonder if SIL is pushing back on $$ because there isn't a huge degree of excitement in taking this big family trip.

I would definitely wonder about this depending on the relationship.

My SIL invited DH and I to go to Disney with their family and MIL&FIL over Christmas this year. Regardless of cost this didn't sound like a fun trip for us. SIL & BIL have a 10 & 6 yr old, we have an 18month old. we would be crammed into condo accommodations and most likely have to drive from MI to FL with MIL&FIL in our vehicle.

Then finding out it would cost us around 5K and we were out. Told SIL we were passing,but thanks for the invite.

Maybe she feels like she can't tell you no?

ss+el · October 2013

I like the suggestions of splitting the cost per bedroom.
Also, are you sure you can't share a room with your DD? DS sleeps so well in hotels because vacations wear him out.

I didn't see this mentioned - have you tried airbnb.com?
I have a friend who rents out his vacation home through airbnb (not near the beach, or I'd get you details) on the weekends his family isn't using it and he beats the rates of hotels.

SunAndRain · October 2013

Thanks for all your responses. I think what it all boils down to is that in order for this to work I just need to adjust my mindset to prioritizing being with family to having a comfortable vacation. Because most everything else suggested I've alread done (vbro, talking to SIL about this really being the only cost because we eat in all meals and the beach will provide enough entertainment that we won't need to pay for other activities, etc).

SIL is was VERY interested and enthusiastic when I called her about the idea. Believe me I would make alternate plans in a heartbeat if she seemed on the fence. I haven't felt compelled to pick up more of the cost because we are already paying more with out transportation costs. But maybe that is what it'll come down to.

I am trying to do the right thing by figuring out ways to spend more time with our extended family. Maybe our next step is to have the conversation around establishing a concrete budget.

SunAndRain · October 2013

ss+el said:

I like the suggestions of splitting the cost per bedroom.
Also, are you sure you can't share a room with your DD? DS sleeps so well in hotels because vacations wear him out.

I didn't see this mentioned - have you tried airbnb.com?
I have a friend who rents out his vacation home through airbnb (not near the beach, or I'd get you details) on the weekends his family isn't using it and he beats the rates of hotels.

I also list the idea of splitting cost per bedroom but my DD will be 2 and she has 3 kids so that would allocate more cost to her.

Yes, I'm pretty sure we don't want to share a room with DD. We can stick her in a bathroom, but she is a light sleeper and last time we tried sharing a hotel room with her it was a disaster. She wakes up, notices that mom and dad are in the room, and thinks it is party time and cries. Maybe it'll be easier when she is 2?

I haven't heard of airbnb. I'll check it out. I always use vbro.

Thanks!

EastCoastBride · October 2013

SunAndRain said:

Maybe it'll be easier when she is 2?

No. Maybe 3? One of our worst vacations kid wise (just from the place of not getting enough rest) was when DS was 2.5, in our room, and on a big group trip to the beach. He woke up early, didn't take good naps, etc. He was tired, WE were tired.

We just shared a room w/ him a month ago and it went MUCH better. He's 4.5. He didn't wake as early, slept better, etc.

jf198400 · October 2013

EastCoastBride said:

SunAndRain said:

Maybe it'll be easier when she is 2?

No. Maybe 3? One of our worst vacations kid wise (just from the place of not getting enough rest) was when DS was 2.5, in our room, and on a big group trip to the beach. He woke up early, didn't take good naps, etc. He was tired, WE were tired.

We just shared a room w/ him a month ago and it went MUCH better. He's 4.5. He didn't wake as early, slept better, etc.

Yea I agree, dd did much better with us this year at 3 than last year at 2.

st.augbride · October 2013

For dh's birthday one year I wanted to rent an amazing cabin in the mountains and have a bunch of people meet us. The one I wanted was very pricey, so I looked at what cheaper one's would cost and asked people to pay a rate based on that and I paid the difference. This was fine for me since I really wanted it and it was worth it. I never even told others I was paying a bunch more.

whynotwhynot · October 2013

We used to have multi-family camping vacations every year and there were huge income discrepancies between families. An uncle who earned a lot more would reserved and pay for the cabin. He would then say that he was a poor cook and ask others to bring food and used this as an excuse to only take a nominal amount for the cabin. Now that we are older we do a summer trip with my parents and brother's family. My brother lives on a shoe string budget and my parents give him a card with a picture of where we will stay for Christmas each year. Guess what I am getting at is there a way you could find a face saving excuse to pay more so that you can stay where you want?

rockychryslerb2010 · October 2013

I'm late to this and didn't read all the responses, but we're usually in the same situation each year we plan a trip with the ILs. H and I can afford to spend more on travel, and we usually like to spend on nice accommodations. The first few years we just went with what his family was doing, then we had a horrible experience at a really disgusting beach house, so I said no more. Now we usually pay more to stay in a place we want to stay. I usually work it where SIL / ILs tell me what they want to budget per person for the trip, and I knowingly pick a spot and if it does cost more I don't tell them.

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