Newb/mother vent

snooks721 · October 2013

Hello all! I have barely posted on here but have been lurking for some time. I definitely have baby fever but DH and I are not officially TTC. I went off the pill in July and we've just been "being careful". The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about getting pregnant. I think that DH and I are both ready to be parents. The only thing holding us back would be finances. I want to have a good savings built up, however, I know that they always say if you "wait" to be ready, you'll never be ready. So I'm going to try not to worry about that...

The actual reason for my post is to see if anyone is in the same boat as me... I'm really afraid that if we did get pregnant my mother would be concerned. Every time DH and I mention having a baby in front of her she'll say things like "Oh I hope you're joking, you guys need to save a lot of money before you have a baby" and she'll make comments like that. Which just makes me feel like if we did get preggo she wouldn't be happy and she'd be concerned. I know that her opinion shouldn't affect me like this but... she's my mother. I guess we just have that kind of relationship where she has always given me advice and when she thinks something's a bad idea, I start to doubt it myself.

Does anyone else know how I'm feeling?

FemShep · October 2013

If you're "being careful", are you and YH on the same page about trying to conceive now? That seems like the most important consideration you have. Leave your mother's impact on your decisions out of it for a moment, and think about whether you and DH both want to TTC (and have a few discussions about it) as well as whether it's the right time to start TTC financially.

Having savings is relative, and depends on other aspects of your financial life. If you and YH routinely put away, say, $3k a month in savings and you want to have $75k saved instead of $50k, well, get busy making a baby! On the other hand, if you have $250 in savings and you're living paycheck to paycheck, you should definitely get a better financial cushion before you TTC.

Before you TTC, think about a "financial checkup" to go along with a physical one. Do you have STD insurance? You can't get it once you're PG, so sign up now. Do you and your DH have life insurance worth at least 5x your incomes? There's another item to make sure you have in place. Can you afford daycare? Depending on where you live, infant daycare can cost $1000-$3000/month. A good way to boost your savings would be to live on a "baby budget" for a few months and put the money you'd spend on daycare into your savings account. If you take maternity leave, you may not get paid; do you have enough in savings to cover the missed salary? And do you have enough to buy all of the gear a new baby requires? Even if you get many gifts, figure between $500-$1000 for the bare minimums, including things like a car seat, crib, and mattress you really shouldn't buy used.

snooks721 · October 2013

Yes, we have had discussions about it. I guess nothing too official like: Let's start trying. We both just kind of have the mentality right now like "Whatever happens, happens". If we got pregnant right now, we wouldn't be upset about it but if we didn't get pregnant until next year, that would be fine too.

You gave me a lot of good advice to really consider. Thank you for that. Sometimes the "idea" of having a baby isn't always "realistic". There's a lot that I haven't really thought about. That's a really good idea to live on a "baby budget" for awhile and see how we do. Thank you for your help!

snooks721 · October 2013

You're right. I should just tell her how I'm feeling... however, I feel like I already know what she's going to say. If I told her that I was off the pill and that there's a chance we could get pregnant sooner or later, she'd tell me it's a bad idea and what are we going to do about this and that. I can already hear her response. If we did get pregnant part of me just wants to be like "Ooops mom, I got pregnant on the pill!" I shouldn't have to be afraid of her. She got mad when my husband and I got a freaking cat!! She's fine now but she had expressed her concerns to me about the $$ for taking care of a pet and vet bills. Her and my father have worked hard for every penny they have. They don't treat themselves to things. They're the kind of people who wear old, holey clothes because they'd rather be able to buy us a nice Christmas present or something, ya know? They go without, and think we should too. I don't want to live my life like my parents. Yes, they are good at saving money and there's definitely some things they do I try to implement in our lives. But DH and I are still newlyweds and we like to go to dinner and go on dates once in awhile. I don't think that's a crime!!

SmileyJay · October 2013

I think it is really dangerous to take on the mentality of "if you want till you are ready, you will never have kids" or "whatever happens, happens". I think parenthood should be a choice you consciously make and something you prepare for. Obviously, with half of pregnancies not being planned, that is not always the case... and people make it work no matter how hard things get, but why not set yourself up for success?

As far as the mother thing goes, I would explore rather there is truth to what she is saying. Her perspective is shaped by her own experiences. Did she struggle with money when you were little? Or perhaps he was more prepared than she thinks you are and realizes how much easier it made everything. Or maybe she just isn't ready to be a grandmother and see you in a new role? If the two of you are close, I would try to understand her side of this. Ask her what she means and what she feels you need in order to have a baby.

Readiness is very subjective. Every couple has a totally different set of "must haves" to feel ready for parenthood. For some, it is just a spare bedroom and the 'want' for a child, for others it is the ability for one parent to stay home full time. My husband and I have been married for two years, lived together for 3 years before that. We are finally getting to a point of feeling ready. But we save about 30% of our income, own a lovely house, have finished bachelor's degrees, have excellent health insurance, and have a very good marriage. In a perfect world we would have paid off student loans and I would be able to stay home full time, but that is not reasonably going to happen for another 5 years. I am 23 and want to have children young, so we are starting sooner rather than later. Of course, we are in sort of the opposite problem where everyone around us seems to be pressuring us to have kids, with my MIL constantly saying we are "ready" even though her idea of ready when she had her first was 19, broke, and in a bad marriage. That doesn't make her a bad mother, just that everyone had a different set of "ideals" they want to reach first.

My advice is to do your homework. Become very familiar with your health insurance plan including how much it will increase when you add a child (prepare to be surprised!). If you both intend to keep working, figure out how much childcare you will need or if family is open to watching the baby. We live in a low cost of living area but infant care is still about $200/week. You also need to discuss parenting decisions that influence finances like rather you intend to breastfeed or not, cloth or disposable diapers, and budget for baby stuff. You don't have to buy everything new, but it's good to budget as if you will not get any gifts and you will buy everything new. Having too much money or planning too much is not going to cause a problem. Once you figure some of this stuff out, then you and your husband can sit down and make the decision of when you are ready to start a family. Until then, I wouldn't advise just seeing what happens

Best of luck and I hope this helps!

snooks721 · October 2013

This is also very true and gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for you input. I appreciate it!

gogadgetgo · October 2013

If you know your budget, and have decided on things like if you need daycare, and feel like your income can support it, then tell your mom mind your own business. This is a decision only you and you h can make.

SmileyJay · October 2013

Just wanted to chime in again to say that a date night or dinner out ever so often is not a crime!! You should reap some happiness from your income!

With that said, we eat out once a week and my husband randomly brings home flowers or takes me out on a date. We enjoy spending time together and sometimes it's nice to spend that time outside of the house! If you can afford it and aren't like charging it to credit that you can't pay, she can mind her own business. You and DH can decide when you are ready to have a baby. That might not fit her timeline or her budget, but it's not going to be her baby either!

snooks721 · October 2013

Very true. I guess she just makes me feel guilty that we're not living our lives like her and my dad did. But I know it has to be between me and DH, not me and DH AND her. Thanks again ladies!

snooks721 · October 2013

We definitely have to build up our savings a little more. We do have some but I'd like to have more. We don't have any student loans and barely use a credit card, only for emergencies. We have our mortgage and one car payment, my car is paid off. But no crazy credit card debt or anything. DH and I talked this morning and we definitely are going to try to live on a baby budget for a little bit and see how we do. I would really like to have more savings.

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